He's back in recovery...cautiously optimistic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Mays Landing, NJ
Posts: 23
He's back in recovery...cautiously optimistic
Hi everyone,
The last time I posted, my ABF of one year had relapsed after 3 weeks of sobriety, and I had ended things. I received a lot of good advice here, most of it telling me to cut my losses and run.
So here's the update. I told him I needed space and time and to not contact me. He respected that except to text me last Sunday to wish me a happy Mother's Day. I said thank you, and that was that. This was very out-of-character for him, since usually during our break-ups (there have been 5, usually only lasting a couple weeks) he texts me relentlessly. The last time I had to block him from my phone.
Anyway this time was different. I assumed he was still drinking and I even suspected he had a new girl on the hook, since it's SO not like him to actually leave me alone when I ask to be left alone. I've been spending the time reading and educating myself, creating a vision board, and going to therapy.
Then this past Wed. evening he texted me to ask how I was doing. He knows I had a medical procedure done and he asked about that. I answered him and thanked him. The next day was his birthday and I texted him to wish him a good day, and to tell him I had a card for him. I just don't have it in me to ignore the birthday of someone I love, especially since we had plans to celebrate it together before the breakup. I invited him to come over after work and get his card and talk for a few minutes. And yes, full disclosure, by this point I was missing him desperately and wanting to see him. This happens every time, after a week or two I just want him back.
Well to my utter shock, he said he was going to an AA meeting that night. He had told me the last time he got sober that he had no interest in AA, that he tried it before and he didn't like it. By coincidence I had already made plans to attend my first Al-Anon meeting which is held at the same time in the same building, so I offered him a ride. (He has no license.) He said only if you're absolutely sure, he was fine with walking. I said I'm absolutely sure, we can talk in the car and I'd give him his card.
In the car he told me that he drank for a week after we broke up, until last Saturday. He said he spent the whole day drinking and crying and contemplating his screwed up life. On Sat. night he decided to quit again and detox at home this time. (The last one was a medical detox in the hospital about 2 months ago.) He said he was sick in bed all day Sunday, but by Monday he was okay enough to work. He called and arranged 3 times a week one-on-one counseling and made plans to go to AA. He didn't tell me he was doing any of this at the time.
I asked what made him change his mind about AA and he just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I've hit my rock bottom." I said that I thought his rock bottom was when he checked himself into the hospital for the detox because he was afraid he was going to die. He said, "No, my rock bottom was losing you."
So he went to his meeting and I went to mine. He said his was fine and he plans to keep going. I asked him why he hasn't been texting me constantly like usual and he said, "Because I figured I've screwed things up enough between us. You asked me not to, so I didn't." By now, I'm thinking, ok who are you??
I told him that I just assumed he was already talking to another girl. He just stared at me and said, "I don't think you comprehend how much I love you."
Ok, so it feels to me like things are different this time. He told me this was his first sober birthday since he was a kid (he's 35). Instead of getting bombed, he went to an AA meeting. That strikes me as a really really good sign.
Plus he's respecting my boundaries, another really good sign. Last night I told him he could come over and just hang out and watch TV as friends and he did. He stayed on his couch and I stayed on mine, then he thanked me and left.
But here's the thing: I'm crazy in love with him. Or as my therapist would put it, addicted to him. I'm not going to be able to sustain this "friends" thing for too much longer. It took all my willpower not to jump into his arms last night.
They didn't give me any advice whatsoever at the Al-Anon meeting, they just told me to keep coming, but there was no cross-talk allowed so no feedback on what I shared with them. A little frustrating.
So I'm asking here: if he stays sober this time, how am I supposed to be supportive and show my love while still remaining detached? How long do I wait before I say ok, we can try again? We're two people who love each other and want to be together. I already called off the engagement and put an indefinite hold on moving in together but I really, really miss just being in his arms.
Just a reminder: he is not a mean or verbally abusive drunk. He basically gets sloppy, needy, and super-affectionate, begs me to marry him, and then passes out. When he's not drunk, we don't fight about anything, ever. I already told him that my recent boundary of not letting him into my house if he's been drinking still stands.
I'm sorry this was so long, but I really need advice from people who have been in my shoes. Thank you in advance!
The last time I posted, my ABF of one year had relapsed after 3 weeks of sobriety, and I had ended things. I received a lot of good advice here, most of it telling me to cut my losses and run.
So here's the update. I told him I needed space and time and to not contact me. He respected that except to text me last Sunday to wish me a happy Mother's Day. I said thank you, and that was that. This was very out-of-character for him, since usually during our break-ups (there have been 5, usually only lasting a couple weeks) he texts me relentlessly. The last time I had to block him from my phone.
Anyway this time was different. I assumed he was still drinking and I even suspected he had a new girl on the hook, since it's SO not like him to actually leave me alone when I ask to be left alone. I've been spending the time reading and educating myself, creating a vision board, and going to therapy.
Then this past Wed. evening he texted me to ask how I was doing. He knows I had a medical procedure done and he asked about that. I answered him and thanked him. The next day was his birthday and I texted him to wish him a good day, and to tell him I had a card for him. I just don't have it in me to ignore the birthday of someone I love, especially since we had plans to celebrate it together before the breakup. I invited him to come over after work and get his card and talk for a few minutes. And yes, full disclosure, by this point I was missing him desperately and wanting to see him. This happens every time, after a week or two I just want him back.
Well to my utter shock, he said he was going to an AA meeting that night. He had told me the last time he got sober that he had no interest in AA, that he tried it before and he didn't like it. By coincidence I had already made plans to attend my first Al-Anon meeting which is held at the same time in the same building, so I offered him a ride. (He has no license.) He said only if you're absolutely sure, he was fine with walking. I said I'm absolutely sure, we can talk in the car and I'd give him his card.
In the car he told me that he drank for a week after we broke up, until last Saturday. He said he spent the whole day drinking and crying and contemplating his screwed up life. On Sat. night he decided to quit again and detox at home this time. (The last one was a medical detox in the hospital about 2 months ago.) He said he was sick in bed all day Sunday, but by Monday he was okay enough to work. He called and arranged 3 times a week one-on-one counseling and made plans to go to AA. He didn't tell me he was doing any of this at the time.
I asked what made him change his mind about AA and he just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I've hit my rock bottom." I said that I thought his rock bottom was when he checked himself into the hospital for the detox because he was afraid he was going to die. He said, "No, my rock bottom was losing you."
So he went to his meeting and I went to mine. He said his was fine and he plans to keep going. I asked him why he hasn't been texting me constantly like usual and he said, "Because I figured I've screwed things up enough between us. You asked me not to, so I didn't." By now, I'm thinking, ok who are you??
I told him that I just assumed he was already talking to another girl. He just stared at me and said, "I don't think you comprehend how much I love you."
Ok, so it feels to me like things are different this time. He told me this was his first sober birthday since he was a kid (he's 35). Instead of getting bombed, he went to an AA meeting. That strikes me as a really really good sign.
Plus he's respecting my boundaries, another really good sign. Last night I told him he could come over and just hang out and watch TV as friends and he did. He stayed on his couch and I stayed on mine, then he thanked me and left.
But here's the thing: I'm crazy in love with him. Or as my therapist would put it, addicted to him. I'm not going to be able to sustain this "friends" thing for too much longer. It took all my willpower not to jump into his arms last night.
They didn't give me any advice whatsoever at the Al-Anon meeting, they just told me to keep coming, but there was no cross-talk allowed so no feedback on what I shared with them. A little frustrating.
So I'm asking here: if he stays sober this time, how am I supposed to be supportive and show my love while still remaining detached? How long do I wait before I say ok, we can try again? We're two people who love each other and want to be together. I already called off the engagement and put an indefinite hold on moving in together but I really, really miss just being in his arms.
Just a reminder: he is not a mean or verbally abusive drunk. He basically gets sloppy, needy, and super-affectionate, begs me to marry him, and then passes out. When he's not drunk, we don't fight about anything, ever. I already told him that my recent boundary of not letting him into my house if he's been drinking still stands.
I'm sorry this was so long, but I really need advice from people who have been in my shoes. Thank you in advance!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by QueenOfSwords 
I'm sorry this was so long, but I really need advice from people who have been in my shoes. Thank you in advance!
She has been "sober" as many times as she has been drunk. It's a roller coaster ride. Your boyfriend may actually be on that lifetime road of recovery or he may relapse. None of us knows....he may not even know. I give my wife credit. She tries and fails. In her worst days she tries to pick herself up and try again...only to fail again. I came here to SR not to fix her....I've learned that this past month....but to fix me.
You will do what your heart tells you to do and we will be here for you which ever path you take. All I'm suggesting that you learn all you can about his addiction and learn all you can to keep yourself happy and at peace.
I wish you and your boyfriend well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
So I'm asking here: if he stays sober this time, how am I supposed to be supportive and show my love while still remaining detached? How long do I wait before I say ok, we can try again? We're two people who love each other and want to be together. I already called off the engagement and put an indefinite hold on moving in together but I really, really miss just being in his arms.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Breakfast in a public place every couple weeks might be pleasant. And I would drive to the meeting alone and drive home alone.
Actions over time. One year at minimum to allow his brain time to change.
Good luck!
Actions over time. One year at minimum to allow his brain time to change.
Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Mays Landing, NJ
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Frankly, I'd give it at least a year. Most people don't stay sober, or get a few months and then pick up a drink. In the meantime it's important for you to build your own life. Recovery is strictly a solitary process, it's not something you can do with him. we all have to walk that path alone.
But what do I know? I still have so much to learn about this. Thank you all for responding. Pretty depressing, but I guess I needed the reality check.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your son has him pegged, he and your other children see what you refuse to see, the truth.
If he really wants recovery he will crawl to meetings, you are already jumping back in the fire and IMHO you will get burned once again.
Your therapist is right on the mark, you'll probably be hopping back in the bed with him...most likely before your next session with the therapist.
It's your life, your choice, however, you have a minor child to consider, your actions directly affect all your children.
If he really wants recovery he will crawl to meetings, you are already jumping back in the fire and IMHO you will get burned once again.
Your therapist is right on the mark, you'll probably be hopping back in the bed with him...most likely before your next session with the therapist.
It's your life, your choice, however, you have a minor child to consider, your actions directly affect all your children.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by QueenOfSwords
I would think he'd be more likely to stay sober with my loving presence in his life than if I say, "Good luck buddy, you're on your own. See you next year, maybe!"
.
.
While I made the choice to stay, I believe with all my heart that the advice you have received here is true, real, and important.
I will tell you this....my loving presence in my wife's life has nothing to do with her sobriety or lack thereof. I know that I am the mistress (I don't know the male version of the word) to her true love of alcohol. You must be prepared for a very difficult life with someone who has the very real possibility of continueing to be an addict regardless of how much you love him
I honestly believe that my wife loves me.....but she either doesn't love me enough to quit drinking, or her mind is so far gone, she doesn't know how. This is what I am learning now. After all these years, I don't believe she will ever be sober for longer than it takes for the craving to overwhelm her again. I'm learning loving detachment and trying to make her reasonably comfortable as the disease takes her health and her mind. Sadly...I have already planned for her funeral.
I gave you my expereince because you asked for someone who has walked in your shoes. I will leave you with this...if you were my daughter (and I do have an adult daughter) I would tell her and you to take the advice of all those that responded to your thread very carefully. We have all been there and am trying to give you an insight into your future.
I know....very sad, but very true.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Mays Landing, NJ
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by dollydo
Your son has him pegged, he and your other children see what you refuse to see, the truth.
If he really wants recovery he will crawl to meetings, you are already jumping back in the fire and IMHO you will get burned once again.
Your therapist is right on the mark, you'll probably be hopping back in the bed with him...most likely before your next session with the therapist.
It's your life, your choice, however, you have a minor child to consider, your actions directly affect all your children.
If he really wants recovery he will crawl to meetings, you are already jumping back in the fire and IMHO you will get burned once again.
Your therapist is right on the mark, you'll probably be hopping back in the bed with him...most likely before your next session with the therapist.
It's your life, your choice, however, you have a minor child to consider, your actions directly affect all your children.
1. He's an alcoholic. He may or may not stay sober. Based on what I'm reading here, probably not.
2. I love him, and he loves me. Someone suggested in my other thread that he may be a sociopath taking advantage of an older woman but that is NOT the truth. I appreciate the concern, but I've known him for 5 years, probably better than anyone on the planet at this point. He's not a sociopath. He's a nice guy with a big problem.
3. I see that I'm caught in a codependent cycle. I went back and read my first post and I sounded angry and hurt and DONE. Clearly I'm not, and I've repeated this pattern several times with him, so that's a problem. But that doesn't mean I don't really love him or that our relationship is not viable if he stays sober.
4. My actions do affect my children. That's the main reason I told him he can't be in my home anymore if he's been drinking.
5. My therapist also told me that we have something solid to build on--a good foundation of friendship, affection, and great communication. She told me there's hope, as long as he's in a recovery program.
So the truth as I understand it is that I'm in a really complicated, heartbreaking situation for which there are no easy answers, which is why I'm here. What exactly is it that you think I'm refusing to see?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" I love him, and he loves me. Someone suggested in my other thread that he may be a sociopath taking advantage of an older woman but that is NOT the truth. I appreciate the concern, but I've known him for 5 years, probably better than anyone on the planet at this point. He's not a sociopath. He's a nice guy with a big problem."
In all hoensty, you do not know that, you are thinking with your heart, not your head.
The % of recovery for life is less than 10%, and he has been an addict for over 20 years,
many failed half hearted recovery attempts,no license, not a good tract record.
You are now all excited that he has been sober for a whole 6 days, and are now having him over to your house and driving him around...codependency at its finest.
Just my 2 cents, after some 60 years of dealing with an alcoholic... my mother...master manipulator...master con artist...just like all garden variety alcoholics.
I sincerely hope that this works out like you want it to.
In all hoensty, you do not know that, you are thinking with your heart, not your head.
The % of recovery for life is less than 10%, and he has been an addict for over 20 years,
many failed half hearted recovery attempts,no license, not a good tract record.
You are now all excited that he has been sober for a whole 6 days, and are now having him over to your house and driving him around...codependency at its finest.
Just my 2 cents, after some 60 years of dealing with an alcoholic... my mother...master manipulator...master con artist...just like all garden variety alcoholics.
I sincerely hope that this works out like you want it to.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
Hi
I do understand your frustration but the advice you have got here has been sound..
Your wanting to believe it will be ok- every other pointer is saying it won't be..
My AH loved me, we could of got married , my best friend .. But the cold reality ( and it took me 5 years) to get it was that the one constant the only think I could be sure of was sooner or later she would drink again.
Oh and dont believe being sober makes a AH any happier..
Love is a great thing but it is a two way street.
Good luck
I do understand your frustration but the advice you have got here has been sound..
Your wanting to believe it will be ok- every other pointer is saying it won't be..
My AH loved me, we could of got married , my best friend .. But the cold reality ( and it took me 5 years) to get it was that the one constant the only think I could be sure of was sooner or later she would drink again.
Oh and dont believe being sober makes a AH any happier..
Love is a great thing but it is a two way street.
Good luck
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