Tunie

I haven't had or read any good discussions about sexual issues concerning Adult Children who weren't sexually abused. I can understand that those who have had sexual abuse have much more pressing concerns and problems with healthy sex. I'm curious about those who are fortunate enough to not have had sexual trauma/abuse. Are there common issues we (non sexually abused ACAs) experience?

Personally, (a 20-something female ACA) I've always had the most difficulty having a normal sex life. Even when I keep my other personal dysfunctions in check, I don't have a handle on an appropriate sex life.

To briefly describe what I'm talking about, it's can be categorized as "all or nothing functioning". In the beginnings of a relationship with someone, I can't get enough of them. But once things become more comfortable with each other, I will quickly lose my sexual desire for them and it becomes a huge chore to maintain healthy and consistent sex.

Then, without any relationship in mind, I find myself being promiscuous. I set up the rule for myself "take a break for at least a month" each time after a sexual encounter. But I think I've followed through with that only a couple of times.

Anyone else have any input on this subject?

cb12

Thanks for bringing this up. I haven't really considered that growing up with alcoholic parent would have affected my sex life, but I guess it has.

I have only had two "serious" relationships in my life and I only had sex with one them. I have had other flings with guys, but I always cut it off before I get attached and want "more." I have tried for most of my life to suppress my feelings for partners because I don't trust that they won't hurt me. I tend to think like a man.

To make my point, when I lost my virginity, I made it a one time thing with a long time friend of mine. I made it very clear that I wanted to just get it over with and that it would be an experience to just put in a box at the back of my brain and be done. I didn't want the romance, the first love BS. I just wanted it over with.

I'm sure this all goes back to trust issues. Big ones. That I have yet to deal with.

I need to do some more thinking on this.

DavidG

There is an old saying- "Fools rush in where angels
fear to tread...." And "there is no fool like an old fool."

But here goes... I grew up expecting to meet someone
nice, fall in love, get a regular job and build or buy a
house.

This did not happen to me... in fact from the 60's onward
that dream evaporated for a lot of people. Many reasons.

My first girlfriend was sweet... I tried to follow the dream
and we got engaged... but it did not last. Times really
were a'changing!

After that I rebelled and had a number of unsuitable
relationships with rough alcoholic women... it seemed
to give me a buzz... and a reason to 'move on' when
I felt like it.

Currently I have been married 30 years [to the same person!].
It was a lot of hard letting go, and it had big ups and downs.

But I would not have made it without Alanon as a base, and ACA.

Its the old story... -you can take the kid out of the family
but you caint take the family out of the kid-

I suppose that is why I am in ACA and remain here... with
some success...

I did not learn how to deal with intimacy... how to learn
to trust.

I suffered from verbal stuff and a lot of neglect in the past.

I wondered what that neglect had left me with. A few
times I linked up with people who had been sexually abused.
And through the programme I began to explore my own
experience.

The term I would use is this: I felt totally emasculated. -lost,
broken.

I am gratefull for this chance to share...

there is hope out there...

-DavidG.

Chris1000101

“. . . all or nothing . . .” Sexually abused or not this is one that most, if not all, of us struggle with somewhere in our lives. I feel at times that all or nothing tends to be centered mostly on relationships and trust for me. All or nothing affects a few areas of my life: college, home order, relationships, etc. With college, I just passed a class with a 92.91. Am I happy I got an A- for advanced psychology, no. I am pissed that I was .09 points short of the A, “all or nothing”. Home order is also all or nothing. Either something sits for a week before I see it or I have been accused of OCD. There may be some truth to the OCD thing, everything is clean, in order and I am still learning patients when others visit and move stuff around. Relationships get to be interesting because of the different facets they have. Before I got serious about wanting a more committed relationship, I took almost two years off for myself asking myself: Who am I? – What have I accomplished? – Am I where I want to be? I spent that time working on myself and understanding myself. Then when I did seek a serious relationship I recognized enough of my patterns that I had to then learn self-control. The hardest one to control was the adrenaline rush once I got that the rest was slow and natural. Yes, maintenance takes work but I find it much easier when I know myself first then know my companion. Trust, acceptance and understanding always need to be first. Ideally, a healthy relationship will always be growing and changing. Am I willing to grow and change with it? I can give lip service to an answer but I cannot answer it honestly until I first know myself.

heathersweeds

OMG! I do this too. Infact, it never crossed my mind to talk and deal with it. Thank you for bringing up this topic. It also made me realise I stuff more thoughts and feelings than I know. I've been to some ACOA meetings and the feeling of the "click" is greater there than at AA. I even felt more comfortable sharing in ACOA. In AA I feel as if people are thinking I don't know what i'm talking about lol. But back to point....I would like to know as you do too what is going on with this? My bf now for over a year says he would like sex at least twice a week and that feels like a huge committment to me. Almost a chore. Like I have to keep a pen and pad next to my bed to keep track. I was blaming it on the antianxiety meds but now......maybe its something else.

Tunie

I like how you said "I tend to think like a man." I can relate. Although after putting more thought in it... I think I act like a woman without emotional intimacy (men tend to define women by being overly emotional). But once my emotional intimacy switch is turned on, good God. Stand back.

JustAYak

As a 21 year old male, I am finding the same things happening... all or nothing. Generally I lean more towards the nothing. It's like I have zero interest in it...the thought of it is exhausting. I think its because I'm not okay with myself yet and all I really want to do is work through my issues because I can't take on anyone elses' and sex seems like such a huge commitment that I generally cut girlfriends out before I get to a point where that is feasible. I feel safer when I am alone, sex brings someone too close to me, both physically and mentally. I would much rather have a serious conversation with my hypothetical girlfriend about my problems rather than have sex (and that's saying something, I hate talking about my issues face to face) because I crave emotional/mental connection, not physical. I think I will crave the physical once I can feel a connection emotionally/mentally (if I ever let myself feel it, that is). It's just a trust thing.

DesertEyes

Hey gang, easy does it please.

This site is rated PG and is wide open to the whole world. We have a _lot_ of children who read but don't post, so kindly be _very_ careful with what you write.

Mike
Moderator, SR

gplmdyw

I recreated my relationship with my parents with men. What my parents did to me I did to others. I was in dire need of recovery because i was hurting myself and others. I found the Solution to all of this in the Big Book of AA. In the sex conduct part of the 4th step inventory it says that "To yield would mean heartache." In other words, we all have to do our own work in the 12 steps to change our attractions and our behaviors.

I sought my parents' approval and kept hoping they would change or I could change what happened (no sexual abuse with me either, but a lot of emotional abuse and rejection.) Not having resolution to my relationship with them and continuing to give them my power made me look for power out in the world with men.

There's a lot more to this dynamic. I strongly suggest finding a sponsor who can guide you thru the Big Book, and you absolutely don't have to be an alcoholic. Look for Alanon Big Book Studies or even AA Big Book Studies, go in and listen. We're all the same and you will identify.

Meetings where people are doing "talk therapy" crap are not 12-step meetings, they're a watered down excuse for them. Go where they are in the Solution and doing the actual work. Those are the only people who can really help you.

Best of luck and God Bless.

kudzujean

Thanks for bringing this up. I could identify with so much of what you, and others, have posted here.

I'm currently not in a relationship (think I'm a relationship-phobe). Sometimes I feel like I'd like to be in one, but I don't want to have sex.

Kialua

I met the boy next door in 6th grade and married him when I was 19, and 30+ years later still married to him. My AD tried to grope me and kiss me but that's it, beating me up was enough. If there are any kids out there reading this, you can have a good relationship when you grow up too, it's possible.

tromboneliness

I would add that there is no set timetable! I never had so much as a date until I was 30, at which point I met a woman who, unlike me, was not a bit shy, knew what she wanted, and was not afraid to go get it. Turned out she was an alcoholic, and it's a long story, but almost 19 years later, we're still married (which happened about 4 years after we met, and a bit more than a year after she got sober -- which is a long story in itself, as you guys know).

I think a big part of it is that we don't have this "everything has to be perfect, and we live happily ever after" concept. That's not realistic -- we just want things to work, and are both pretty much committed to making them work, and not sweating the small stuff....

T

Tunie

In a previous relationship, I thought that if I could efficiently keep a healthy communication and emotional intimacy with my boyfriend, the physical stuff would fall into place. In theory, it makes total sense. But I found that relying on opening up emotionally/mentally would become my excuse for avoiding physical what-have-you. In hindsight, I can see how I was subconsciously picking and prodding at every issue except the one that this thread is about.

Tunie

Thank you for reminding me/all of us.

Tunie

Hahaha. I have experienced the same scenario. I totally felt like he set some rules just so I could fail at it. I could get into the whole perfectionist, pessimist stuff, but I'm sure you already know what I'm talking about.

Antidepressants usually do no good for one's boyfriend/girlfriend time. But I'm sure your suspicions that something else is interfering is valid.

Tunie

My mother, who is an ACOA as well (what are the odds! *joke*), is finally getting married in less than a month to a kind and loving man. It took her two divorces, and however many decades to find him. She credits all she's learned from bad relationships to finding my step dad.

Which goes to show that there isn't a timetable or formula to finding your soul mate. Not to mention how all of the crappy relationships not only teach you what dysfunctional romance is, but also what to look for in a beautiful relationship.

DesertEyes

My "relationship mentor" is my adopted Mom. She is 99 years old now and still full of life and gumption. She fell in love with a boy from the farm down the road when she was a teen. She got sent off to school, then the depression hit, then the War, and they lost track of each other.

By the time she was 80 she had outlived two husbands and was comfortably settled in retirement, and making sure the pastor did a good job with the congregation. A friend of a friend happened to run into that boy from the farm and got then together again. They waited a year, and got married, 50 some years after they lost track of each other.

Seven years later he died too.

No matter, Mom moved into a retirement home. She was tired of doing laundry and dishes. She is not a widow, mind you. She is _single_ and has two boyfriends to prove it. Each one of them is over 100. She doesn't like men under 80, they're too foolish and don't know nothing about life.

She always kept her finances separate, always had her own career, her own friends. She says that a relationship is like two people picking a field. You are working towards the same purpose, but each has their own bag and their own row. At the end of the day if the other person did their fair share you both enjoy the results. If not, then you just walk on down to the next field and try again.

I don't know anything about picking fields but I get the message. I have to take care of my own mental and physical health so that I can do my fair share in a relationship. Which is why I hang around here on SR and face to face meets

Mike

LotusBlossom

All or nothing...lol. You may as well have been writing about me up there. Not that I've acted on it that much (thank god even in my drinking days) the line from the King and I comes to mind "Because it is natural. It is like old Siamese saying. A girl is like a blossom, with honey for just one man. A man is like a honey bee and gather all he can. To fly from blossom to blossom a honey must be free. But blossom must not ever fly from bee to bee to bee."....except I am the man...or at least my body wants me to be! Grrr. Then after a while when I'm in a relationship it's like a big giant dam shutting off the waters that says "OK, done. No more."
I've only been in 3 relationships since my marriage, however that were only a few months and were similar to this, but...I don't know if that was because it was also towards the end of my drinking and there was a myriad of other stuff going on too.

This is quite an interesting line of thought though you have given me.

Thank you for sharing, it is greatly appreciated and thanks for listening.

DavidG

your mum seems like someone I know... I began my paid working life at the age of 12 harvesting carrots... [I was still in school too mind you....].

This is not my home group... actually I have two online home groups... mostly the other two that are around the 'net.

But I like attending here too... always something to learn...

...thanks Mike...

DavidG

Deep South-
southern Noo Zealand...

49er_fan

I’ll take a stab. Sex has certainly been an extension of my ACA personality in the fact that:

1) I don’t realize I can get my needs met
2) I don’t know how to get my needs met

My last 3 years in college and 1 year thereafter (4 years) I dated a girl and we didn’t have sex. She wanted to wait until she was married. She wasn’t religious, just very naïve, sheltered, and paranoid (also didn’t drink, but somewhat dysfunctional). She was someone I could take care of, someone I could be a hero for, and someone who I’d do anything for. I convinced myself and fed off the idea that I could give her what noone else could: understanding, patience, loyalty, a nice admirable guy who was willing to wait. And I did. I waited. And waited. And waited. I’m a very patient person. Of course I wanted sex. My problem is that I waited for her to change in order to get my needs met. And it never happened. I was under the illusion that if I somehow met her needs, she’ll somehow meet mine, even when those needs were opposite.

Eventually we grew apart and broke up. Looking back I can now see how long I went without ever realizing that I wasn’t getting my needs met, and I didn’t even have a clue how to even try. It was also a good example of how long I stayed in a relationship in which I wasn’t getting my needs met just for the sake of keeping the relationship alive.