Never See Him Drink
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1
Never See Him Drink
Sadly, I never thought I would find myself posting on a board like this but I need some support and guidance. I love a man who's behavior is erratic - he can be extremely loving and affectionate and at other times impatient with very low tolerance for anything to do with conflict. He will speak to me unkindly or storm off.
We are in our forties and have had alcoholics in our lives - his brother and parents are recovered (to my best knowledge). I lost a brother to addiction. I NEVER want to experience the tragedy I did in losing my brother.
When I fell in love with this man I did not know he was an alcoholic. I have been with him a year and it has only reared it's ugly head 3 or 4 times when we've had devastating arguments about breaking up otherwise he doesn't drink around me or tell me that he drinks.
So why the devastating arguments about breaking up? Because, no joke, we are insanely happy for 3 or 4 days and then like clockwork something happens and he gets upset with me. We try to talk it out but he usually gets pissed or acts dejected and I get frustrated. It takes a day to work thru and then we're back on track for 3 or 4 days and the cycle continues. There have been only a handful of times where we haven't worked it out very well and we then "break-up" - this is when his behavior is altered to the point that he is "no longer himself" and I find out he's been drinking.
He admits now he has a problem but says AA doesn't help him - he's tried.
Additional info that could help. He is divorced partly because of his drinking. He has a professional career but is finically struggling to support his kids.
Also a few weeks ago we decided (him a bit reluctantly) to take some space to work thru our issues - I am not yet divorced and he with his drinking and not treating me kindly. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. I love him like I've never loved or been loved. He says the same. Yet I am not strong enough to endure a future with alcoholism or his erratic behavior.
I want a healthy stable relationship (my past husband of many years is nice and a friend but I know I married him too young and we are separated - each of us wanting a relationship that is more loving and less platonic).
Does my current relationship sound like anyone else? Where can I get support for being in love with an alcoholic. I went to Al Anon recently and everyone read pages from a book. No one talked much in the way of offering support. I do see a therapist (because of my failed marriage) and she advised an Al Anon step program. Thanks for your help.
We are in our forties and have had alcoholics in our lives - his brother and parents are recovered (to my best knowledge). I lost a brother to addiction. I NEVER want to experience the tragedy I did in losing my brother.
When I fell in love with this man I did not know he was an alcoholic. I have been with him a year and it has only reared it's ugly head 3 or 4 times when we've had devastating arguments about breaking up otherwise he doesn't drink around me or tell me that he drinks.
So why the devastating arguments about breaking up? Because, no joke, we are insanely happy for 3 or 4 days and then like clockwork something happens and he gets upset with me. We try to talk it out but he usually gets pissed or acts dejected and I get frustrated. It takes a day to work thru and then we're back on track for 3 or 4 days and the cycle continues. There have been only a handful of times where we haven't worked it out very well and we then "break-up" - this is when his behavior is altered to the point that he is "no longer himself" and I find out he's been drinking.
He admits now he has a problem but says AA doesn't help him - he's tried.
Additional info that could help. He is divorced partly because of his drinking. He has a professional career but is finically struggling to support his kids.
Also a few weeks ago we decided (him a bit reluctantly) to take some space to work thru our issues - I am not yet divorced and he with his drinking and not treating me kindly. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. I love him like I've never loved or been loved. He says the same. Yet I am not strong enough to endure a future with alcoholism or his erratic behavior.
I want a healthy stable relationship (my past husband of many years is nice and a friend but I know I married him too young and we are separated - each of us wanting a relationship that is more loving and less platonic).
Does my current relationship sound like anyone else? Where can I get support for being in love with an alcoholic. I went to Al Anon recently and everyone read pages from a book. No one talked much in the way of offering support. I do see a therapist (because of my failed marriage) and she advised an Al Anon step program. Thanks for your help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
That could have been my Al-anon group! We decided to do a "book study", and yeah, ugh, ...not the most helpful atmosphere for a newcomer.
Please try another meeting...every meeting is different and every night is different. They suggest that you attend 6 different meetings. Partly because every meeting has a different flavor and partly because it takes a little bit to figure out why sitting around in a circle with a group of strangers is going to help you.
I think that the fact that thousands of us "keep coming back" every week is a testament that it can help.
And, you've got your therapists recommendation. Give it another chance, you'll find a lot of support in those rooms.
Please try another meeting...every meeting is different and every night is different. They suggest that you attend 6 different meetings. Partly because every meeting has a different flavor and partly because it takes a little bit to figure out why sitting around in a circle with a group of strangers is going to help you.
I think that the fact that thousands of us "keep coming back" every week is a testament that it can help.
And, you've got your therapists recommendation. Give it another chance, you'll find a lot of support in those rooms.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
You will also get much support from this board.
Sober Recovery has meant so much to me personally.
Yes, Marlee, your relationship sounds like a certain stage of my last marriage. The cycle lasted a week, and out he went. I was terrified and worried sick all night, then he would come home, broke and crying with another crazy story.
I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your brother.
Please stay around and read the stickies, and other's stories. You will find many many people who understand your pain and can help you find your way.
You cannot change him, but you can change you.
I am trying a new meeting tomorrow, they all have a different feel to them, thats true.
I dont like the book study either.
Welcome
Beth
Sober Recovery has meant so much to me personally.
Yes, Marlee, your relationship sounds like a certain stage of my last marriage. The cycle lasted a week, and out he went. I was terrified and worried sick all night, then he would come home, broke and crying with another crazy story.
I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your brother.
Please stay around and read the stickies, and other's stories. You will find many many people who understand your pain and can help you find your way.
You cannot change him, but you can change you.
I am trying a new meeting tomorrow, they all have a different feel to them, thats true.
I dont like the book study either.
Welcome
Beth
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
I have a friend that has that kind of relationship-they have been doing the song and dance for almost 6 years now. He is the alcoholic.
They are together and then are not-the longest they have actually been together is 4 months I think-the shortest is 3 weeks-back and forth, back and forth.....
He works only part time (2 days a week!), lost his house, filed bankruptcy, had a car accident last July (that was not his fault, surprisingly) and has NOT replaced his car, lives with his parents and uses THEIR car....And the attraction is????? lol
Don't wait 6 years to make up your mind about this guy-I would hate to ready from you years from now how you wished you had ended the relationship..
Good Luck~
They are together and then are not-the longest they have actually been together is 4 months I think-the shortest is 3 weeks-back and forth, back and forth.....
He works only part time (2 days a week!), lost his house, filed bankruptcy, had a car accident last July (that was not his fault, surprisingly) and has NOT replaced his car, lives with his parents and uses THEIR car....And the attraction is????? lol
Don't wait 6 years to make up your mind about this guy-I would hate to ready from you years from now how you wished you had ended the relationship..
Good Luck~
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