What is love?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
What is love?
I know in my head that my ex never loved me. Maybe he believed he did/does, others certainly believe that he did.
But it has taken me a long time to get to the point where I can acknowledge that what he felt wasn't love. It was a power game to him, he wanted to control me. A man who lives you would never say all those awful things, he would never threaten your life or physically assault you. He wouldn't purposely damage you emotionally and psychologically. He wouldn't hold you down and rape you or stop you from having any kind of life. He wouldn't treat you as his servant, maid and punching bag.
So why do some people think its okay to say 'yes, of course he loved you' 'he only treated you this way because he grew up in that environment' or 'because he is an addict', or 'because the f'ing sky is blue'.
It's a cliche but love IS a verb. Love is actions, not words. It's not ok for him to treat me bad and then tell me he loves me. I won't accept that. If he loved me he WOULD NOT do the things he has done to me. What he felt was not love, because love is equal
. Love is kind, honest, truthful, respectful and it doesn't ever involve violence and control. I can stick as many labels on him as I want, but at the end of the day, he is sick and he needs a lot of help, whichever way I look at it. Someone said to me 'well he always told everyone how unhappy you made him, he only stayed because he loved you'. No. A man who loved me would not be running me down behind my back to everyone we know, making up lies and vicious rumours about me. He wouldnt want everyone to hate me, to turn against me and cut me off. A man who loved we wouldn't do any of the evil things my ex did.
I think I'm starting to get it. I think I'm on my road to healing, slowly and painfully. I can finally accept that other people who question this truth are maybe not that healthy, but that's ok. They need to find their own path and I need to stay on mine, not be pulled off it by people who aren't there yet.
Addiction is a strange creature, some people think its an excuse for any kind of behaviour the addict throws out. Not all abusive men are addicts, and not all addicts abuse women. There is no excuse, ever. And love is definitely never an excuse!
/end rant.
But it has taken me a long time to get to the point where I can acknowledge that what he felt wasn't love. It was a power game to him, he wanted to control me. A man who lives you would never say all those awful things, he would never threaten your life or physically assault you. He wouldn't purposely damage you emotionally and psychologically. He wouldn't hold you down and rape you or stop you from having any kind of life. He wouldn't treat you as his servant, maid and punching bag.
So why do some people think its okay to say 'yes, of course he loved you' 'he only treated you this way because he grew up in that environment' or 'because he is an addict', or 'because the f'ing sky is blue'.
It's a cliche but love IS a verb. Love is actions, not words. It's not ok for him to treat me bad and then tell me he loves me. I won't accept that. If he loved me he WOULD NOT do the things he has done to me. What he felt was not love, because love is equal
. Love is kind, honest, truthful, respectful and it doesn't ever involve violence and control. I can stick as many labels on him as I want, but at the end of the day, he is sick and he needs a lot of help, whichever way I look at it. Someone said to me 'well he always told everyone how unhappy you made him, he only stayed because he loved you'. No. A man who loved me would not be running me down behind my back to everyone we know, making up lies and vicious rumours about me. He wouldnt want everyone to hate me, to turn against me and cut me off. A man who loved we wouldn't do any of the evil things my ex did.
I think I'm starting to get it. I think I'm on my road to healing, slowly and painfully. I can finally accept that other people who question this truth are maybe not that healthy, but that's ok. They need to find their own path and I need to stay on mine, not be pulled off it by people who aren't there yet.
Addiction is a strange creature, some people think its an excuse for any kind of behaviour the addict throws out. Not all abusive men are addicts, and not all addicts abuse women. There is no excuse, ever. And love is definitely never an excuse!
/end rant.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
It is sad that THAT is all the things HE calls LOVE.
It does NOT and should not be your definition.
Corinthians 13:4 starts....Love is patient Love is kind
Husbands are to PARTNER - PROTECT - and PROVIDE
These are the things I think of. Is my husband Partnering? Nope
Protecting? Nope Providing? Nope
It does NOT and should not be your definition.
Corinthians 13:4 starts....Love is patient Love is kind
Husbands are to PARTNER - PROTECT - and PROVIDE
These are the things I think of. Is my husband Partnering? Nope
Protecting? Nope Providing? Nope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Ah see, if I ever enter into another relationship, there will be no provide or protect. I don't want or need a man to earn my money or put himself into a role of my bodyguard. I can be my own provider and protector. I want a PARTNERSHIP. I never ever want to feel inferior to a man ever again. This might be my inner feminist being unleashed as I also launched an attack on Disney princesses today 
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Windmills,
I believe there were legitimate tender moments between the two of you. I believe, at times, he was capable of kindness and loving gestures. I also believe, after my experiences, that an addict in active addiction is simply incapable of being an invested, healthy partner in a relationship and/or marriage over a sustained period of time. And that's what you were up against. He's a sick, sick guy.
My hope is you try not to personalize this. You must understand that if it weren't you, he would likely have found someone else to victimize. I know you gave your all and made the best effort you could to be a source of stability and support. And you ran into something that, ultimately, you couldn't handle. Most people couldn't.
If you find yourself going down a road where you're ruminating about things, where you're starting to get really, really angry and resentful, please don't give it any more power than it already has. It's OK to be angry. It's OK to be hurt. But in order to heal yourself, you can't feed those negative emotions. Otherwise, you'll be lost and in a world of hurt worse than you already are. I've been there, and it's not a fun place to be. Healing is a choice that begins with deciding that you will be OK, you will get through this, and you'll be a stronger, wiser person when you come out of this the other side. When? I don't know. But I do know you can, and will, get through this.
Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Ask God to take away your pain. Do that every day. He WILL listen. And when you're ready, pray for your ex, too.
I will be thinking of you during my prayers.
Be Safe,
ZoSo
I believe there were legitimate tender moments between the two of you. I believe, at times, he was capable of kindness and loving gestures. I also believe, after my experiences, that an addict in active addiction is simply incapable of being an invested, healthy partner in a relationship and/or marriage over a sustained period of time. And that's what you were up against. He's a sick, sick guy.
My hope is you try not to personalize this. You must understand that if it weren't you, he would likely have found someone else to victimize. I know you gave your all and made the best effort you could to be a source of stability and support. And you ran into something that, ultimately, you couldn't handle. Most people couldn't.
If you find yourself going down a road where you're ruminating about things, where you're starting to get really, really angry and resentful, please don't give it any more power than it already has. It's OK to be angry. It's OK to be hurt. But in order to heal yourself, you can't feed those negative emotions. Otherwise, you'll be lost and in a world of hurt worse than you already are. I've been there, and it's not a fun place to be. Healing is a choice that begins with deciding that you will be OK, you will get through this, and you'll be a stronger, wiser person when you come out of this the other side. When? I don't know. But I do know you can, and will, get through this.
Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Ask God to take away your pain. Do that every day. He WILL listen. And when you're ready, pray for your ex, too.
I will be thinking of you during my prayers.
Be Safe,
ZoSo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Do you know, I'm not resentful. Im not angry either, just sad. I just find it hard when people who should be supportive aren't. I am in an odd place right now, realising a lot and working on myself a lot. It is what it is and I accept that, last night I just gave something one last shot with someone and it didn't work out which is what brought on this thread.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
It IS confusing....but alot of what I have learned on SR is to NEVER believe words.
All the mouth does is give a centerpoint to return to as you evaluate actions and
body language.Addicts cannot believe how 'stupid' we are when we continue to
cash their worthless checks (I PROMISE THIS TIME!!!!) as if they WERE cash.
No more lines of credit for me.Love is a verb,not a hook for gullible suckers.Does that
mean we toss them out because they forgot to give us a goodnight kiss--of course not.
But a pattern of abuse,lies,and hurt from those who "love" us.......means they
are only using a powerful word as a lever.
All the mouth does is give a centerpoint to return to as you evaluate actions and
body language.Addicts cannot believe how 'stupid' we are when we continue to
cash their worthless checks (I PROMISE THIS TIME!!!!) as if they WERE cash.
No more lines of credit for me.Love is a verb,not a hook for gullible suckers.Does that
mean we toss them out because they forgot to give us a goodnight kiss--of course not.
But a pattern of abuse,lies,and hurt from those who "love" us.......means they
are only using a powerful word as a lever.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Beautiful words, Windmills. You have a destiny, I think, which will involve in some way your recovery from domestic violence. Maybe it will be a quiet mission, maybe you will be the young woman who says just the right, kind words to someone who needs them in order to save herself. Or maybe it will be a more public mission one day. I just think God has a plan for you, and I believe it is an important one.
You will also be a wonderful protector of Daisy.
You will also be a wonderful protector of Daisy.
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