transformyself

Looking for a quick guide, a link to previously published material even.

I just realized this is what I need. I think I deserve it, I think it will help me maintain some semblance of sanity and peace until I can leave, but how do I do it while living in a 900 sq foot house with him, two boys (including a six foot three 14 year old) two little dogs and a cat?

I'm scared. I'm stressed. But I think I can pull this off. I''m crying easily too but I keep removing myself and breathing.

Tuffgirl

I have no resources for that, but I do have a great book I read often on detaching. "Codependence and the Power of Detachment", Karen Casey.

Other than that - all I can envision is some sort of MP3 player and ear buds.

I don't know, T. Sounds like this one may end up being way bigger than you think right now. And awkward and tense for everyone in the house (kid and animals).

Big hugs and prayers to you today! Hang in there...

gerryP

Transform, what a stressful situation to be in. Are you doing everything possible to find work to get you the funds to get yourself out of there? I know bad economy...Can you spend time at a library researching jobs and getting applications out? Less time at home?

Spes

I agree with Tuffgirl. My iPod and a great set of noise cancelling headphones with my eyes closed can sometimes put me in a different place when things get to stressful at home.

Also.....sometimes just walking around the block and literally smelling the flowers will lift my spirits.

I truly wish you well; please try to take care of yourself.

transformyself

Thank you for the great suggestions.

Here's the skinny:

I feel pretty good right now, can politely ignore him while the kids are gone. It's when the kids are around that things are really bad. I am looking for a place to take them tomorrow while he's off from work.

Transportation: We're down to one car, mine keeps breaking. I fix it, it breaks right away again. Gotta sell it, even though it's very old, and get a more reliable vehicle. So we're spending time in the car together. I drop him at work, drive the kids to school, pick him up, etc.

Income: I am working on bringing in more income. I'm self employed but got two great tips today. My biggest fear is housing. AH moved into the house that I rented, and LOVE, because he was paying the bills anyway. Now he's refusing to leave. Fine.

Divorce: The first $150 I get will go towards filing for divorce. I'll have to sort how to tell him about that later. I think the courts will give me $800 monthly for both boys, and I can probably bring in about $900 from my business every month.

Housing: I think my business might also be able to give me an advance of sorts to get the $ together for a place. It's more important that we dont' live together right now than it is for me to fight with him about who leaves. I'd rather live in a hole in the dirt than with him anyway.

I have horrible credit, no regular income (except, presumably, what the courts tell him he's got to pay me) and am trying hard to not worry about how I'll get into a place, because I know how to find those sorts of placed. It's just that the thought of moving again basically shuts me down, i've moved so much.

that's my report. i'm so glad you guys are here. Thank you.

gerryP

Transform when I have had times where everything has needed fixing, I literally take one at a time (tick off) and work on the next thing. Make the list in order of importance. More money is usually the first thing. Work endlessly on pursuing that. Then housing, then car for example. Once you make a dent in the first issue the rest begins falling into place. Sounds trite and we've all heard it before, but it is a process, one step at a time. Take the action and grab the shovel (in more ways than one.) Good luck in the two leads you heard about today.

transformyself

Thank you Gerry that is GREAT advice! I hadn't even gotten to that astute observation: everything needs fixing. I just thought I was SCREWED lol...

transformyself

Here's what I've learned today. Rather, here's what I remembered today:

The longer I am detached from AH, the better I feel.
Detachment is my job, at all cost. Don't take bait. Constantly, constantly refocus myself on the task at hand and boy do I have a loooong list.

Seems to be working.

wicked

Karen Casey has a new book on Detachment.

"let go now - embracing detachment"

I think you summed it up the best transform. "Don't take bait." Just 3 words - perfect.
My last ride.
We deserve better.
That was then.
This is now.
Soon, I'm free.
Can't hear bait.
Bait's for fishing.
Let's go fishing.

Getting silly now.
Keep it simple.
You are wonderful!

Beth

transformyself

I'm going to ******* kill this man. I want to attack him, really, physically. I have to get out of here.

Tuffgirl

Sometimes detachment isn't terribly effective, huh?!

For your sanity, Transform, I highly recommend a separation. At whatever the cost.

You'll be amazed at the clarity that comes with distance.

transformyself

That's what I'm working on. That and not killing him.

transformyself

I've been separated from him twice and went back for a kick in the face each time.

And you're right, I'm amazed by the clarity it brings. He was out of town for three short days and I felt fantastic.

Now this

transformyself

Ok, working on being positive. Not killing, not talking, just breathing. Seems to really be helping.

transformyself

god this is exhausting. I was reading the stickies up top, the "when does the pain end" or whatever it's called and it says when you stop blaming the A for not being able to do what you want him to do and stop blaming yourself for staying.

That's a crazy thought. I have to forgive myself before I can move on? Makes sense but I hadn't put it together before now.

wicked

It does sound crazy, but it is true. For me, I had to let go of the fact that I picked this jackwad to marry and have children with. I chose him and stayed with him.
I cannot change the past, but I can forgive myself for the choices I made, and LEARN from them.
I cannot make over my childhood and fix it by finding jackwads and make them over.
So forgive yourself for not being able to fix him or your childhood.
Let it go and be free. Like a lioness. Born Free! (you are not old enough for that one i think)

Beth

TakingCharge999

Congratulations on not killing him!! YAY!!

Square breathing helps.

Transformy, I am anxious about jobs and making ends meet now that I got rid of my old job. You need to trust God that things will fall in place. FEEL as if you are already out and in a peaceful place. I swear you attract things by FEELING them. Try not to worry that much and focusing on actions that make you feel better-a walk outside, calling a friend, posting here, brainstorming, looking for jobs...

I recall you worked in, er, progressive medical fields right.. ? one idea would be for you to sell an interview /article on your research to international media, magazines, newspapers... ? I know in my country this is a hot topic nowadays. Maybe if not money at least that kind of thing would bring more visibility to your business?

TakingCharge999

PS I love you transformy, dont forget you are very strong, and "no hay mal que dure 100 años" "No pain lasts 100 years"

transformyself

OMG Wicked Jackwads. You are SO funny. And of course I remember Born Free, as free as the wind blows. I used to play that song on my little plug in organ too. Thank you so much.

TC-Hello! Thank you so for the encouragement. I think you're right and it's why I"m stuck because me feelings are choking me. So much anxiety I can barely function. I'm also a chronic pain patient and have been having horrible flares.

So "feeling," peace, love, acceptance and safety seems nearly impossible. The only thing that works is NC, which was the name of my previous post.

I know I'll be leaving, or he will, and soon, but it might be him getting carted off to jail drunk after one of his outbursts. He's VERY scary lately when he's drunk. Punched a hole in the bathroom wall a couple of weeks ago. The kids weren't home, and he told them it was a construction project gone wrong, but they're not stupid.

I have a plan for the $150 I need to file for divorce, I think I can get it Tuesday.
Then he'll get served and probably go insane for a bit.

What's funny is my thinking process through all of this. I think that I believe the things he says to me, even though he has been resentful for so long towards me. I think I see myself the way he sees me, and he's NUTS. You think I'm crazy, you should see AH.

One things' for sure, the kids will be glad when we dont' live together anymore.

He's got so much anger, and drinks so heavily, I don't want them to be alone with him. He's going to freak out completely when I tell him that.

Katiekate

Pulling for you.

YOu sound so strong, well you are strong.

You are in my thoughts, and you still have a sense of humor, how awesome.

xoxo