Broken up with for a coke habit
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 30
Broken up with for a coke habit
Hi everyone
I posted this first in the substance abuse section but, having read on the board for a bit longer, think I should have posted it in here.
I was seeing a guy for a few months and I had really started to like him. We had loads in common, had a lot of fun together and I felt very comfortable around him. A couple of weeks ago he finished with me very abruptly.
He was a coke user - though he told me not that much. His two previous girlfriends both took cocaine with him (one on Christmas day at his grandparents' house). I know of at least 4 times when he took it during the time we were together and two of those times were at family occasions (his mum's 60th birthday party & at a family wedding).
He told me that I made him nervous and that being around a friend of a friend who is a police officer also made him nervous. He often came home from work and fell asleep and would sleep a lot over the weekend.
The last time I saw him, we spent the weekend together and had a great time (or so I thought). When he finished with me, he said that I was beautiful, funny and intelligent and that he couldn't understand why he felt the way he did. He said that he didn't think we had a lot in common, that he'd got to the stage where he'd rather hang out with his friends and that I wouldn't like his friends anyway (I suspect because he did drugs with them).
I am wondering if the fact that I'm a non-user was a problem because he couldn't do coke openly around me. I wonder if he was bored when he was with me because he wasn't on coke. Our last weekend started off really well - he was chatty & funny & great company - and by the end of it he was quite restless. I am now wondering how often he was on coke when I was with him. The guy I thought was so great may have just been on a coke high.
We are in our mid-thirties and he's been doing it for at least 15 years. He dealt drugs all through university. He holds down a good job and appears to fully functioning in every other aspect of life.
We had a lovely time when we were together but he was very hot and cold inbetween.
Any advice, help, understanding from those who have been in a similar situation would be very welcome. I was with someone for years before who would occasionally take drugs and he would - without fail - finish with me when he was on a coke/pills downer a week or so later. I am wondering if this is the case now. I don't want to get back with him but felt terrible when he broke up with me (the way he did it didn't help) and struggled to understand his behaviour. I have felt very confused by his hot & cold behaviour.
Thank you.
Bristolgirl
I posted this first in the substance abuse section but, having read on the board for a bit longer, think I should have posted it in here.
I was seeing a guy for a few months and I had really started to like him. We had loads in common, had a lot of fun together and I felt very comfortable around him. A couple of weeks ago he finished with me very abruptly.
He was a coke user - though he told me not that much. His two previous girlfriends both took cocaine with him (one on Christmas day at his grandparents' house). I know of at least 4 times when he took it during the time we were together and two of those times were at family occasions (his mum's 60th birthday party & at a family wedding).
He told me that I made him nervous and that being around a friend of a friend who is a police officer also made him nervous. He often came home from work and fell asleep and would sleep a lot over the weekend.
The last time I saw him, we spent the weekend together and had a great time (or so I thought). When he finished with me, he said that I was beautiful, funny and intelligent and that he couldn't understand why he felt the way he did. He said that he didn't think we had a lot in common, that he'd got to the stage where he'd rather hang out with his friends and that I wouldn't like his friends anyway (I suspect because he did drugs with them).
I am wondering if the fact that I'm a non-user was a problem because he couldn't do coke openly around me. I wonder if he was bored when he was with me because he wasn't on coke. Our last weekend started off really well - he was chatty & funny & great company - and by the end of it he was quite restless. I am now wondering how often he was on coke when I was with him. The guy I thought was so great may have just been on a coke high.
We are in our mid-thirties and he's been doing it for at least 15 years. He dealt drugs all through university. He holds down a good job and appears to fully functioning in every other aspect of life.
We had a lovely time when we were together but he was very hot and cold inbetween.
Any advice, help, understanding from those who have been in a similar situation would be very welcome. I was with someone for years before who would occasionally take drugs and he would - without fail - finish with me when he was on a coke/pills downer a week or so later. I am wondering if this is the case now. I don't want to get back with him but felt terrible when he broke up with me (the way he did it didn't help) and struggled to understand his behaviour. I have felt very confused by his hot & cold behaviour.
Thank you.
Bristolgirl
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
This is the right forum. Glad you found us.
I suspect that you will read a lot of "you dodged a bullet" comments to your post.
I dated a coke addict many years ago for about six months. You'd think I would have learned something after getting out of a bad marriage to an addict but.......nope. Went right into a relationship with a great guy, with a great job, great personality and great big problem.. He broke up with me and I was heartbroken. Later I met my (now) husband. He has shown me the true definition of "great guy" and drugs are no where in the picture.
I'm glad you're here. This is a good place to take a look at ourselves and figure out why we get involved in relationships with addicted men. I've been married to my (non addict) husband for 30 years. Life and relationships are tough enough without addiction in the picture.
I would suggest a great book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and see if any of it strikes a familiar chord. If so, it will help you recognize these bad relationships before getting involved.
gentle hugs
ke
I suspect that you will read a lot of "you dodged a bullet" comments to your post.
I dated a coke addict many years ago for about six months. You'd think I would have learned something after getting out of a bad marriage to an addict but.......nope. Went right into a relationship with a great guy, with a great job, great personality and great big problem.. He broke up with me and I was heartbroken. Later I met my (now) husband. He has shown me the true definition of "great guy" and drugs are no where in the picture.
I'm glad you're here. This is a good place to take a look at ourselves and figure out why we get involved in relationships with addicted men. I've been married to my (non addict) husband for 30 years. Life and relationships are tough enough without addiction in the picture.
I would suggest a great book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and see if any of it strikes a familiar chord. If so, it will help you recognize these bad relationships before getting involved.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 30
Thank you, Kindeyes. I will check out that book.
I'm quite naive about drug use and, although he dropped hints about it, it's only now that I'm out of it that I suspect his coke habit was worse than I had thought. When I met him, I had no idea that he took drugs. He looks smart, is very good looking, holds down a good job and is surrounded by his family and friends.
The previous guy I was with didn't take drugs that much - maybe 3 or 4 times a year, but I got to know the pattern. We had other problems and I kicked him out in the end.
This guy finished with me after only a few months though and it was very abrupt and seemed to come from nowhere. I just want to understand if it was me or if his drug habit/addiction (is there a difference?) is partly responsible for his change in mood & behaviour. I thought that his drug use seemed controlled as it doesn't seem to be affecting his work life, for example.
I can't understand how he can go from being loving and tender one week to being completely dismissive of me the following week. He did say that he'd rather hang out with his friends and that I was pressuring him for dates (which isn't quite true) and I do wonder if that was because he could take drugs with them.
It's all been very hurtful.
Thanks again.
Bristolgirl
I'm quite naive about drug use and, although he dropped hints about it, it's only now that I'm out of it that I suspect his coke habit was worse than I had thought. When I met him, I had no idea that he took drugs. He looks smart, is very good looking, holds down a good job and is surrounded by his family and friends.
The previous guy I was with didn't take drugs that much - maybe 3 or 4 times a year, but I got to know the pattern. We had other problems and I kicked him out in the end.
This guy finished with me after only a few months though and it was very abrupt and seemed to come from nowhere. I just want to understand if it was me or if his drug habit/addiction (is there a difference?) is partly responsible for his change in mood & behaviour. I thought that his drug use seemed controlled as it doesn't seem to be affecting his work life, for example.
I can't understand how he can go from being loving and tender one week to being completely dismissive of me the following week. He did say that he'd rather hang out with his friends and that I was pressuring him for dates (which isn't quite true) and I do wonder if that was because he could take drugs with them.
It's all been very hurtful.
Thanks again.
Bristolgirl
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
Bristolgirl,
For people who are in active addiction, their drug of choice will ALWAYS 100% of the time come before you.
He wants to be around his friends because he can use around them, I'm sure they use with him.
Unfortunately, with addicts who are actively using, they tend to get rid of people in their lives that they see as a threat to their high. Because you are not an addict, and seem to not be okay with him using around you, you are a threat to his high and his habit.
Ask yourself...are you willing to take a backseat to his drug addiction? Because if you two were to stay together, that's what you would be doing.
Consider yourself lucky to get out now.
Best of luck to you
For people who are in active addiction, their drug of choice will ALWAYS 100% of the time come before you.
He wants to be around his friends because he can use around them, I'm sure they use with him.
Unfortunately, with addicts who are actively using, they tend to get rid of people in their lives that they see as a threat to their high. Because you are not an addict, and seem to not be okay with him using around you, you are a threat to his high and his habit.
Ask yourself...are you willing to take a backseat to his drug addiction? Because if you two were to stay together, that's what you would be doing.
Consider yourself lucky to get out now.
Best of luck to you
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 30
Hi Pock
Thank you for your reply. As someone who has never really used drugs (I can count on one hand the number of times I've tried anything) it's hard for me to understand how addiction works so I appreciate your response.
I couldn't work out if he was/is addicted or if it's a controlled/recreational habit. A clue was when he turned down concert tickets that I'd bought on a Saturday night to go and hang out with his mates. When he was with me we were doing "normal" stuff like going out to the cinema, going out for a drink, walking my dog, and having dinner out - normal date type stuff. I was really happy but he seemed to get a bit restless.
Before I connected the dots with his drug use, I spent 2 weeks after he finished with me wondering what was wrong with me and why he'd prefer to hang out with his mates than see me when we seemed to have such a good time together. I don't want to go into too much detail but it was a bit of a blow to my ego to know that he'd rather spend the night with his mates than with me - if you know what I mean!
Both my brothers took a lot of drugs in their 20s but got other things in their lives and their drug use dropped off in their 30s so I'm fairly tolerant of drug use. And this guy seems to be functional in all aspects of his life. However, he is 34 and his social life seems to revolve around it still. I am trying to look back and be thankful that he finished with me when he did but it's hard!
Thanks again for your reply - much appreciated.
Bristolgirl
Thank you for your reply. As someone who has never really used drugs (I can count on one hand the number of times I've tried anything) it's hard for me to understand how addiction works so I appreciate your response.
I couldn't work out if he was/is addicted or if it's a controlled/recreational habit. A clue was when he turned down concert tickets that I'd bought on a Saturday night to go and hang out with his mates. When he was with me we were doing "normal" stuff like going out to the cinema, going out for a drink, walking my dog, and having dinner out - normal date type stuff. I was really happy but he seemed to get a bit restless.
Before I connected the dots with his drug use, I spent 2 weeks after he finished with me wondering what was wrong with me and why he'd prefer to hang out with his mates than see me when we seemed to have such a good time together. I don't want to go into too much detail but it was a bit of a blow to my ego to know that he'd rather spend the night with his mates than with me - if you know what I mean!
Both my brothers took a lot of drugs in their 20s but got other things in their lives and their drug use dropped off in their 30s so I'm fairly tolerant of drug use. And this guy seems to be functional in all aspects of his life. However, he is 34 and his social life seems to revolve around it still. I am trying to look back and be thankful that he finished with me when he did but it's hard!
Thanks again for your reply - much appreciated.
Bristolgirl
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
Addiction if very much a progressive disease. Maybe right now he's not selling his soul for a some coke, but don't think that it will never happen.
Chances are, it's not YOU that is the problem.
For so long, I was convinced that there was something wrong with me because my boyfriend would choose to hang out with his friends (who were all heavily into drugs) instead of be with me. It took me a long time to realize that my boyfriend was just doing what addict do...getting drugs, using drugs, and putting drugs before anything else.
Addicts don't all look the same. They don't all live on the street, they don't all look like "junkies". Just because someone appears to have their life together, does not by any means imply that they have their addiction under control. And if it appears that they do have it all together, and are not in recovery...just wait, give it some time. A drug addiction will chew you up and spit you back out. And it affect everyone and everything that the addict touches, if you allow it to. Like I said, addiction is progressive.
Count your blessings!
Keep posting, keep reading. You'll find a lot of comfort on this site from people who understand.
Chances are, it's not YOU that is the problem.
For so long, I was convinced that there was something wrong with me because my boyfriend would choose to hang out with his friends (who were all heavily into drugs) instead of be with me. It took me a long time to realize that my boyfriend was just doing what addict do...getting drugs, using drugs, and putting drugs before anything else.
Addicts don't all look the same. They don't all live on the street, they don't all look like "junkies". Just because someone appears to have their life together, does not by any means imply that they have their addiction under control. And if it appears that they do have it all together, and are not in recovery...just wait, give it some time. A drug addiction will chew you up and spit you back out. And it affect everyone and everything that the addict touches, if you allow it to. Like I said, addiction is progressive.
Count your blessings!
Keep posting, keep reading. You'll find a lot of comfort on this site from people who understand.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Hi BristolGirl,
My XABF is a coke user. He knows it is a habit and tried very hard to cut down but doesn't really want to stop completely.
I understand the patterns you describe. He used to always dump me when he was coming down off the coke. He would pick a fight with me then tell me how awful i was (sometimes i didn't need to say anything) then dump me.
Sure enough a few days later he will be back on the phone feeling better and back to 'normal'.
You're much better off away from the drama and the obsession of his 'habit'. He might not be addicted enough for it to impact on his life dramatically, but it's obviously a problem enough that he can't form normal healthy relationships with people unless they use drugs too.
It's a difficult habit to break. People here are lovely and will answer your questions as best they can, but if you want some tough love there's a lot of that here too.
WELCOME
My XABF is a coke user. He knows it is a habit and tried very hard to cut down but doesn't really want to stop completely.
I understand the patterns you describe. He used to always dump me when he was coming down off the coke. He would pick a fight with me then tell me how awful i was (sometimes i didn't need to say anything) then dump me.
Sure enough a few days later he will be back on the phone feeling better and back to 'normal'.
You're much better off away from the drama and the obsession of his 'habit'. He might not be addicted enough for it to impact on his life dramatically, but it's obviously a problem enough that he can't form normal healthy relationships with people unless they use drugs too.
It's a difficult habit to break. People here are lovely and will answer your questions as best they can, but if you want some tough love there's a lot of that here too.
WELCOME
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 48
Also remember on coke you may be chatty and outgoing but your emotions are also numb. You still care about things but not that much and whenever drugs are available the user would always pick drugs over you.
Reminds me of a girlfriend who would always ditch me to go out with a guy.
People on drugs aren't themselves, you may never have really known him.
Reminds me of a girlfriend who would always ditch me to go out with a guy.
People on drugs aren't themselves, you may never have really known him.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
walk away and don't look back!!
you are going to get hooked in and codependent with a coke head because you want to be liked.
it doesn't matter if you're ugly, boring, stupid, leprous, bad breath, stinky....
it just does not matter
what matters is that he prefers doing blow over leading a healthy life
a coke head finds a healthy life threatening, confusing, boring, grey, something they can't attain...whatever
it DOES NOT MATTER
step away from the coke head and MOVE ON! don't get hooked in for your own ego!!!!!!!
you are going to get hooked in and codependent with a coke head because you want to be liked.
it doesn't matter if you're ugly, boring, stupid, leprous, bad breath, stinky....
it just does not matter
what matters is that he prefers doing blow over leading a healthy life
a coke head finds a healthy life threatening, confusing, boring, grey, something they can't attain...whatever
it DOES NOT MATTER
step away from the coke head and MOVE ON! don't get hooked in for your own ego!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
My xah abandoned my 2 year old son and i . He is a cocaine addict. He started with weed...wake and baker. Honestly, RUN and don't look back. We were together for 16 years, and he was a great guy. My best friend. My 1 and only. Be lucky you don't have kids with this person. Drugs are bad. From this point on if someone smokesa cig, that is a deal breaker. If they have to have a drink everytime we do something, bye bye. And I will NEVER be with anyone who does any kind of drug whatsoever! but, those are my boundries.
What is he thinking? Who knows. It is easy to so who cares, but we do. I still, 1 year later, have hard time accepting why he did this to his family and why he doesn't love me anymore. It hurts. Who really understands what an addict is thinking. They are only thinking about protecting their addiction. And its best to end your wandering thoughts of "why?" with, who cares. Try to let go. You deserve so much better an addict can cause nothing but pain. I promise you will find another person you enjoy. Good luc k!
but, those are my boundries. What is he thinking? Who knows. It is easy to so who cares, but we do. I still, 1 year later, have hard time accepting why he did this to his family and why he doesn't love me anymore. It hurts. Who really understands what an addict is thinking. They are only thinking about protecting their addiction. And its best to end your wandering thoughts of "why?" with, who cares. Try to let go. You deserve so much better an addict can cause nothing but pain. I promise you will find another person you enjoy. Good luc k!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Even if he did stop the hot and cold might not. Many of us Codie's at some point said to ourselves "if he/she would just stop drinking/drugging things would be ____________. Guess what my X did stop and he was the same selfish self entitled 13 year old as he was when drinking and talking pills.
The drug of choice is a symptom of a MUUUUUUCH bigger problem.
This guy will probably come around again and if you let him back in...the insane roller coaster will begin for you. I hope you can cross this guy off the list.
Damn they can be so charming, alluring, sweet, apologetic when trying to get you back into their web.
The drug of choice is a symptom of a MUUUUUUCH bigger problem.
This guy will probably come around again and if you let him back in...the insane roller coaster will begin for you. I hope you can cross this guy off the list.
Damn they can be so charming, alluring, sweet, apologetic when trying to get you back into their web.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 30
Wow - thank you all so much for all your replies.
Thanks Pock for your insight and I'm sorry to hear that you went through something similar.
Limiya -thank you for sharing your experiences. It's reassuring to hear that others have had similar treatment from their ex's.
This struck home for me: This does seem to be the case and I will bear this in mind if I start regretting the fact that the relationship is over.
Leise - .
I would have put money on the fact that he wouldn't be back but he e-mailed me last night. Nothing amazing, just basically saying hi. He did say he wanted to stay in touch when he finished with me and I said not to bother. I was a bit shocked because I didn't think I'd hear from him again. But I won't get drawn back in again. I'm doing some soul searching now to work out why I was attracted to him in the first place.
Doingfine - thank you. I have been wondering if I did really know him because I suspect he was on coke on a lot of the time we were together. I will be less naive next time I get involved with someone (I hope!). I had wondered about your emotions being numb. If someone is on a chemical induced high, then they must be numb when not on the drugs. That does make a lot of sense.
Lesliej -I will not get hooked back in - I am determined! He seemed quite indifferent to me at the end anyway so I don't think he will try to come back. He has another ex-girlfriend who is still hooked in so it's more likely he will go to her if he wants attention. I think she may have done coke with him too.
Story74 - so sorry to hear about your experiences with your husband. That's really heartbreaking. I guess I am lucky that he finished it earlier rather than it going on for a while. I spent 5 years with someone who was very abusive before I got the courage up to kick him out and so I hope that one day I'll look back and be glad that it didn't drag on for much longer. I hope you are doing ok now though I guess you must feel heartbroken still. Thank you for sharing your story.
FindingJoy - thank you. I have wondered about the drug being a symptom. I guess if someone is a bit bored, a risk taker, etc then they will constantly seek new experiences and so the drugs will be a symptom of that. Having a nice, normal, healthy relationship with someone maybe isn't enough for these people even if they're not on drugs.
Thanks everyone - I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. I will keep these replies to remind me that I'm lucky to be out of it.
Bristolgirl
Thanks Pock for your insight and I'm sorry to hear that you went through something similar.
Limiya -thank you for sharing your experiences. It's reassuring to hear that others have had similar treatment from their ex's.
This struck home for me:
...it's obviously a problem enough that he can't form normal healthy relationships with people unless they use drugs too.
Leise -
He'll be back soon.. so be ready
I would have put money on the fact that he wouldn't be back but he e-mailed me last night. Nothing amazing, just basically saying hi. He did say he wanted to stay in touch when he finished with me and I said not to bother. I was a bit shocked because I didn't think I'd hear from him again. But I won't get drawn back in again. I'm doing some soul searching now to work out why I was attracted to him in the first place.
Doingfine - thank you. I have been wondering if I did really know him because I suspect he was on coke on a lot of the time we were together. I will be less naive next time I get involved with someone (I hope!). I had wondered about your emotions being numb. If someone is on a chemical induced high, then they must be numb when not on the drugs. That does make a lot of sense.
Lesliej -I will not get hooked back in - I am determined! He seemed quite indifferent to me at the end anyway so I don't think he will try to come back. He has another ex-girlfriend who is still hooked in so it's more likely he will go to her if he wants attention. I think she may have done coke with him too.
Story74 - so sorry to hear about your experiences with your husband. That's really heartbreaking. I guess I am lucky that he finished it earlier rather than it going on for a while. I spent 5 years with someone who was very abusive before I got the courage up to kick him out and so I hope that one day I'll look back and be glad that it didn't drag on for much longer. I hope you are doing ok now though I guess you must feel heartbroken still. Thank you for sharing your story.
FindingJoy - thank you. I have wondered about the drug being a symptom. I guess if someone is a bit bored, a risk taker, etc then they will constantly seek new experiences and so the drugs will be a symptom of that. Having a nice, normal, healthy relationship with someone maybe isn't enough for these people even if they're not on drugs.
Thanks everyone - I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. I will keep these replies to remind me that I'm lucky to be out of it.
Bristolgirl
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 48
Yes I agree some soul searching is a good idea. If you have a pattern of wanting to take care of someone, or help them get of situations it may be more than a mothering instinct. I look back at some of the sickos I tried to help or the excuses I gave abusive partners and it's disgusting.
It's a pattern that happens over and over again because I wanted control of the situation. I would pay for things so that I had control or be the decision maker and the "mother" and it always turned out I felt used and it All happened because I was too nice. Thats what I thought. Now I like to think I have changed but who knows if I will try to save someone again. Bad habit
It's a pattern that happens over and over again because I wanted control of the situation. I would pay for things so that I had control or be the decision maker and the "mother" and it always turned out I felt used and it All happened because I was too nice. Thats what I thought. Now I like to think I have changed but who knows if I will try to save someone again. Bad habit
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
*******, I'm coming in late to this conversation, but wanted to share my experience, as well as tell you I am happy that you said the relationship is over and told him to not bother keeping in touch.
I am a recovering addict, my boyfriend is an alcoholic, so I have some perspective on both ends of this thing.
People on drugs/booze are mercurial, up and down, love ya, hate ya, having a great time and two hours later suicidal, want to see you everyday then disappear for a week.
For some of us that is WHY we self medicate, because we have some serious issues and are trying to "normalize" by using...it doesn't work.
Then the drugs/booze themselves add to the insane and unpredictable nature of things, or, in the case of someone who didn't start using to self medicate, the drugs cause the same sort of crazy unpredictable behavior.
I lived it as an addict, I experience it as the GF of one.
If you want to know some of the reasons why we treat our friends, family, lovers as we do, I'll share.
Because we are wasted and have given over control of our behavior to a substance.
Because when we are "coming down" from a high, we feel so badly that we will do ANYTHING to get our drug, and become blind and uncaring of the needs and feelings of others.
Because we hate ourselves when we see we are hurting those we care for, and we try to do the right thing by ending relationships...then we miss them, or feel scared and lonely, or tell ourselves we are going to be different, so we try to resurrect relationships...only to repeat the cycle.
Because we hate ourselves when we see people around us succeeding, and we know ourselves to be losers. It hurts. We'd rather hide or hang out with our loser friends.
Sometimes we resent the crap out of those who care for us but can't "save" us, and we either try to hurt them, show them, or we feel guilty and just try to stay away from them.
Sometimes we just say F it and feel like getting wasted more than we feel like hanging out with you.
Some of us identify with our drug, or our drug using friends/culture and are terrified of attempting life without that identity. When we get involved with people or situations that don't involve that...we get scared and uncomfortable. We start worrying that we can't hack it, or make it in that world, without the drug, out of that culture we know...and we run back to what we know.
These are the issues I deal with daily with myself and my boyfriend.
PLEASE do NOT think that because you "understand" any of it that you can change it, deal with it, accept it, live with it, or fix it.
Being emotionally crapped on, lied to and jerked around hurts and is damaging. Stay away.
It doesn't matter why someone is mistreating you, if they mistreat you, you end the relationship and go elsewhere, period. There is never an excuse to abuse another, or a responsibility to remain in a relationship in which you are being poorly treated.
I hope the man you describe, myself and my boyfriend find our way to freedom and a fulfilled life.
I hope you do too. Your odds increase by not hooking up with an addict.
I am a recovering addict, my boyfriend is an alcoholic, so I have some perspective on both ends of this thing.
People on drugs/booze are mercurial, up and down, love ya, hate ya, having a great time and two hours later suicidal, want to see you everyday then disappear for a week.
For some of us that is WHY we self medicate, because we have some serious issues and are trying to "normalize" by using...it doesn't work.
Then the drugs/booze themselves add to the insane and unpredictable nature of things, or, in the case of someone who didn't start using to self medicate, the drugs cause the same sort of crazy unpredictable behavior.
I lived it as an addict, I experience it as the GF of one.
If you want to know some of the reasons why we treat our friends, family, lovers as we do, I'll share.
Because we are wasted and have given over control of our behavior to a substance.
Because when we are "coming down" from a high, we feel so badly that we will do ANYTHING to get our drug, and become blind and uncaring of the needs and feelings of others.
Because we hate ourselves when we see we are hurting those we care for, and we try to do the right thing by ending relationships...then we miss them, or feel scared and lonely, or tell ourselves we are going to be different, so we try to resurrect relationships...only to repeat the cycle.
Because we hate ourselves when we see people around us succeeding, and we know ourselves to be losers. It hurts. We'd rather hide or hang out with our loser friends.
Sometimes we resent the crap out of those who care for us but can't "save" us, and we either try to hurt them, show them, or we feel guilty and just try to stay away from them.
Sometimes we just say F it and feel like getting wasted more than we feel like hanging out with you.
Some of us identify with our drug, or our drug using friends/culture and are terrified of attempting life without that identity. When we get involved with people or situations that don't involve that...we get scared and uncomfortable. We start worrying that we can't hack it, or make it in that world, without the drug, out of that culture we know...and we run back to what we know.
These are the issues I deal with daily with myself and my boyfriend.
PLEASE do NOT think that because you "understand" any of it that you can change it, deal with it, accept it, live with it, or fix it.
Being emotionally crapped on, lied to and jerked around hurts and is damaging. Stay away.
It doesn't matter why someone is mistreating you, if they mistreat you, you end the relationship and go elsewhere, period. There is never an excuse to abuse another, or a responsibility to remain in a relationship in which you are being poorly treated.
I hope the man you describe, myself and my boyfriend find our way to freedom and a fulfilled life.
I hope you do too. Your odds increase by not hooking up with an addict.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 30
Hi Doingfine - thanks for the advice. I did have a relationship with someone for 5 years who had a lot of problems (not related to addiction) and I fell into that pattern with him. However, the good thing is that it taught me never to fall into that trap again. I spent (wasted) 5 years being emotionally abused by a man whom I (thought I) adored. Never again!
Threshold - thank you so much for your insight. I've tried to see things from his perspective and so much of what you write now makes a lot of sense to me. I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a difficult time of it but it sounds as if you've taken huge steps to dealing with the problems in your life which is very impressive.
I recognise my ex in the description you gave of someone who identifies with their drug. Although he seems to be a weekend user, it does appear that his social life revolves around it, which to me means that his identity - at the moment, at least - is tied up with it too. If he was to carry on seeing me, he'd have to make a choice between that and the drug and he's obviously not ready to give the cocaine up yet.
If blowing hot and cold was going to be a pattern of his behaviour, then I think he did me a favour by finishing it when he did.
Thanks for the insight - it's been really helpful to read.
Threshold - thank you so much for your insight. I've tried to see things from his perspective and so much of what you write now makes a lot of sense to me. I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a difficult time of it but it sounds as if you've taken huge steps to dealing with the problems in your life which is very impressive.
I recognise my ex in the description you gave of someone who identifies with their drug. Although he seems to be a weekend user, it does appear that his social life revolves around it, which to me means that his identity - at the moment, at least - is tied up with it too. If he was to carry on seeing me, he'd have to make a choice between that and the drug and he's obviously not ready to give the cocaine up yet.
If blowing hot and cold was going to be a pattern of his behaviour, then I think he did me a favour by finishing it when he did.
Thanks for the insight - it's been really helpful to read.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
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BristolGirl, just to let you know. Even when he says you will never hear from him again, i would bet on it that you will.
I went through that crazy roller coaster for YEARS. He would break up with me and never want to speak to me again, and 2 weeks later i'll get some random coked up phone call telling me he doesn't know why he's calling me again.
This would happen over and over.
Just to warn you to expect him to rear his head for a while when it suits him. Best thing is to just be incredibly indifferent towards him or don't have contact at all. It's not easy, especially when you have strong feelings for someone, but it can be done.
Limiya
I went through that crazy roller coaster for YEARS. He would break up with me and never want to speak to me again, and 2 weeks later i'll get some random coked up phone call telling me he doesn't know why he's calling me again.
This would happen over and over.
Just to warn you to expect him to rear his head for a while when it suits him. Best thing is to just be incredibly indifferent towards him or don't have contact at all. It's not easy, especially when you have strong feelings for someone, but it can be done.
Limiya
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 30
Hi
To those who said I would hear from him...well, I did. Nothing stunning, just a chatty email and this time he put a few kisses at the end (second email-I mentioned the first one above). It churned me up a bit.
I don't know whether he was testing the water or just trying to be nice or was just seeing if I'd respond. Either way, it's made things harder. I keep thinking about him. He's the first guy I've really liked in 3 years.
I've never been addicted to anything other than lipbalm (!) so I still struggle to understand how he can prefer to hang out with his druggie mates over seeing someone he (so I thought) had a good time with. I guess I could do with some more reassurance that he's no good if anyone can offer me that.
Thanks everyone.
To those who said I would hear from him...well, I did. Nothing stunning, just a chatty email and this time he put a few kisses at the end (second email-I mentioned the first one above). It churned me up a bit.
I don't know whether he was testing the water or just trying to be nice or was just seeing if I'd respond. Either way, it's made things harder. I keep thinking about him. He's the first guy I've really liked in 3 years.
I've never been addicted to anything other than lipbalm (!) so I still struggle to understand how he can prefer to hang out with his druggie mates over seeing someone he (so I thought) had a good time with. I guess I could do with some more reassurance that he's no good if anyone can offer me that.
Thanks everyone.
Last edited by Bristolgirl07; 05-25-2012 at 03:50 PM. Reason: Typo
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Join Date: May 2012
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Hi Lyn
Thanks for the reply. I didn't know he was into drugs when I met him and I still don't know whether he has a habit or an addiction or even if there is a difference. It's only after he finished with me that I reflected on his drug use and thought that it was probably worse than I had suspected.
To me, he seemed funny, laid back, passionate and very together. Perhaps if we had gone out for longer I might have seen the effects more but I am so naive about drugs that I didn't even think to look out for the signs.
I am trying hard to put him out of my mind but I've still got him on that damn pedestal. I am trying to knock him off it!
Thanks for the reply. I didn't know he was into drugs when I met him and I still don't know whether he has a habit or an addiction or even if there is a difference. It's only after he finished with me that I reflected on his drug use and thought that it was probably worse than I had suspected.
To me, he seemed funny, laid back, passionate and very together. Perhaps if we had gone out for longer I might have seen the effects more but I am so naive about drugs that I didn't even think to look out for the signs.
I am trying hard to put him out of my mind but I've still got him on that damn pedestal. I am trying to knock him off it!
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