Few to no guys posting here?
Re-Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Few to no guys posting here?
Is it that we are all self sufficient or none of us have alcoholic wives or girlfriends who are verbally or even physically abusive women?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi itchy, welcome to 'this side of the board'!
There are many more women than men here, it's true. I think it's probably because women, IRL, will seek out help when something is wrong (go to the doctor or dentist, try to get help for a relationship, etc.).
We do have men who post here, too. You've just met one, Mike! More will be along soon.
Welcome again, Itchy
There are many more women than men here, it's true. I think it's probably because women, IRL, will seek out help when something is wrong (go to the doctor or dentist, try to get help for a relationship, etc.).
We do have men who post here, too. You've just met one, Mike! More will be along soon.
Welcome again, Itchy
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
OK, I've got my workout in, had breakfast and coffee and am officially awake.
So, welcome again. Is there anything in particular that is bothering you or you would like to discuss? To give you a little background I separated from my AW 1 year ago and am in the process of getting a divorce. We have been married 37 years and she became a full blown alcoholic between 15 and 20 years ago. I spent most of that time covering for her, trying to help her and being a full blown codie. Finally after her last big binge I moved out, started posting here and started going to Al-Anon. I consider Sober Recovery to be the biggest part of my recovery. I feel centered, much better adjusted and strong in my recovery. This is a great place to get help and to share experience, strength and hope.
Also, you can get very good, solid, no nonsense advice from the Ladies here as well. The problems that are the result of dealing with alcoholism don't seem to care what gender you are.
So, yeap, we're here. Feel free to discuss, post or just lurk.
Your friend,
So, welcome again. Is there anything in particular that is bothering you or you would like to discuss? To give you a little background I separated from my AW 1 year ago and am in the process of getting a divorce. We have been married 37 years and she became a full blown alcoholic between 15 and 20 years ago. I spent most of that time covering for her, trying to help her and being a full blown codie. Finally after her last big binge I moved out, started posting here and started going to Al-Anon. I consider Sober Recovery to be the biggest part of my recovery. I feel centered, much better adjusted and strong in my recovery. This is a great place to get help and to share experience, strength and hope.
Also, you can get very good, solid, no nonsense advice from the Ladies here as well. The problems that are the result of dealing with alcoholism don't seem to care what gender you are.
So, yeap, we're here. Feel free to discuss, post or just lurk.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
There are men that post here regularly. That being said, it seems that men tend to leave alcoholic wives/girlfriends much more often than women leave A husbands/boyfriends. I don't really know why. Maybe because society perceives drunk women as shameful more so than men, or maybe men are more likely to be alcoholics than women. Maybe because women are conditioned to be caregivers in relationships, and also are more likely to depend financially on men than vice versa.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I agree with other posters, I think men wait to find outside help or advice. There were 2 new men at our Al Anon meeting last night and we were all very surprised. One was there because of his daughter, the other was there because of his wife who just got her third DUI. I showed up at Al anon when my AH got his first DUI so maybe that's part of the difference as an example.
Welcome to the boards!
Welcome to the boards!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I usually wait until I'm in agony before I'll see a doctor. True to form I didn't find SR until after I separated.
Scott here. Too lazy to type my story, feel free to read the last couple threads I started.
Scott here. Too lazy to type my story, feel free to read the last couple threads I started.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Like asking for directions, I thought I could fix it myself. I learned that I was wrong and I thank my higher power every day for the help and support I receive every day from all the wonderful people here at SR. Thank you all !!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
IMO but women DO talk more than us guys. I poke around, read a bit. But really us men are in the minority. For me my wife died from complications from addiction. I'm in recovery (20 years sober) and remarried again to a Godly, and husband supporting woman. No drama and all the crazy stuff..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 152
Yeah itchy there are a few of us hanging around. I know that I do a lot more reading than posting. I dont have a lot of time to post. Also I think that it is harder for us guys to write down our thoughts than it is for women.
grizz
grizz
Re-Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Wow!
I only got as few hours sleep but thanks for all the replies guys and gals.
M1k3, your situation sounds identical to my situation. We would have had 40 years this September, when I will also have two years sobriety thanks to SR and a few months in AA. Yep I have been enabling her and have already set us up for life to never have to work again but it looks like I am going to have to break all that up and sell it all and split the proceeds. I have been trying to ignore it and realized that there is no peace of mind possible with a mean mouthed victim in the room who goes off nightly almost and thinks I am a verbal whipping post because I won't physically STOP her with violence. I did a lot of reading about men who are victims and found that many have stayed too long and responded to their verbal and physical attacks in kind and been labeled the aggressors.
I am not getting my due for past abuse, I was the steady drinker that no one could tell had so much to drink, no abuse, no stumbling, no binge drinking just a steady two to three drinks an hour from sunup to midnight. I was and am a sweet guy without a mean bone in my body. I am not damaged in my self esteem, nor afraid of her. I just have difficulty believing she wants what is about to happen to her. But I want to be free of the nightly 7:30 to 8:30 at the latest nightly really juvenile attempts to pick a fight. I guess what I am saying is that I have gone from concern and trying to help her, (enabling) to seeing her for the pathetic creature she has allowed herself to become.
The best way I can put it is that it is like we are the only two in an elevator and she passes gas. Then thinks she can convince me I did it. I can't believe the unimportant things she lies about daily.
Oh well, I just needed to know there was life after late life divorce. And despite all the lack of talk I see readily apparent there are one or two websites that give the excellent advice of never letting them push to the point of striking. Then it appears we are always wrong and the woman becomes a statistic. Mine is such a drama queen that she would love being a statistic and a victim. She will never realize she is safe because I would not give her the satisfaction. The very sad part is that we are, to all external appearance, the perfect success story and couple. But since I set us up for life on a minimum, it all goes away when we have to split it up. My retirement and benefits are great for two, but half is less than half of what one needs. Then she can be a real victim of her own refusal to get help, help herself, or live in reality. I give up. I need to have some peace for my last twenty or thirty years of life. I think I will get an RV and take off. We've done that as a couple, now I can get a much smaller rig and do it as a single.
If anybody has any reading that is guy oriented I would appreciate some links. I am not overly depressed, nor helpless, nor struggling to gain my self respect. She has been an alcoholic since the early 80's. I drank originally to make her slow down so she could be a designated driver. I truly can't believe that but it is true. I joined her once and finally got loose.
Thanks so much for the quick sketch M1k3. I am amazed that I am not the only one in a similar position, as much as I am not surprised.
Sorry about the middle of the night expectation but we do have folks on the other side of the world here too. I waited a couple of hours then gave up.
I am not on danger of any relapse and my own sobriety remains a joy to me. I intend to keep it that way. My relationship with myself is like the hug icon.
:ghug3 I am finally going to take care of myself and let her fall where she may. She needs to find another whipping post that is willing.
I kept hoping she would try to help herself and maybe get well. I realize that isn't happening and is the linchpin of my co-dependence. I don't mind if I am needed to play a part in a comedy, or a love story. But I am through playing a part in a tragedy. That part will soon be vacant.
Now I just need the mechanics and nuts and bolts of getting away cleanly and fairly.
Thanks again folks. I'll be reading.
I only got as few hours sleep but thanks for all the replies guys and gals.
M1k3, your situation sounds identical to my situation. We would have had 40 years this September, when I will also have two years sobriety thanks to SR and a few months in AA. Yep I have been enabling her and have already set us up for life to never have to work again but it looks like I am going to have to break all that up and sell it all and split the proceeds. I have been trying to ignore it and realized that there is no peace of mind possible with a mean mouthed victim in the room who goes off nightly almost and thinks I am a verbal whipping post because I won't physically STOP her with violence. I did a lot of reading about men who are victims and found that many have stayed too long and responded to their verbal and physical attacks in kind and been labeled the aggressors.
I am not getting my due for past abuse, I was the steady drinker that no one could tell had so much to drink, no abuse, no stumbling, no binge drinking just a steady two to three drinks an hour from sunup to midnight. I was and am a sweet guy without a mean bone in my body. I am not damaged in my self esteem, nor afraid of her. I just have difficulty believing she wants what is about to happen to her. But I want to be free of the nightly 7:30 to 8:30 at the latest nightly really juvenile attempts to pick a fight. I guess what I am saying is that I have gone from concern and trying to help her, (enabling) to seeing her for the pathetic creature she has allowed herself to become.
The best way I can put it is that it is like we are the only two in an elevator and she passes gas. Then thinks she can convince me I did it. I can't believe the unimportant things she lies about daily.
Oh well, I just needed to know there was life after late life divorce. And despite all the lack of talk I see readily apparent there are one or two websites that give the excellent advice of never letting them push to the point of striking. Then it appears we are always wrong and the woman becomes a statistic. Mine is such a drama queen that she would love being a statistic and a victim. She will never realize she is safe because I would not give her the satisfaction. The very sad part is that we are, to all external appearance, the perfect success story and couple. But since I set us up for life on a minimum, it all goes away when we have to split it up. My retirement and benefits are great for two, but half is less than half of what one needs. Then she can be a real victim of her own refusal to get help, help herself, or live in reality. I give up. I need to have some peace for my last twenty or thirty years of life. I think I will get an RV and take off. We've done that as a couple, now I can get a much smaller rig and do it as a single.
If anybody has any reading that is guy oriented I would appreciate some links. I am not overly depressed, nor helpless, nor struggling to gain my self respect. She has been an alcoholic since the early 80's. I drank originally to make her slow down so she could be a designated driver. I truly can't believe that but it is true. I joined her once and finally got loose.
Thanks so much for the quick sketch M1k3. I am amazed that I am not the only one in a similar position, as much as I am not surprised.
Sorry about the middle of the night expectation but we do have folks on the other side of the world here too. I waited a couple of hours then gave up.
I am not on danger of any relapse and my own sobriety remains a joy to me. I intend to keep it that way. My relationship with myself is like the hug icon.
:ghug3 I am finally going to take care of myself and let her fall where she may. She needs to find another whipping post that is willing.
I kept hoping she would try to help herself and maybe get well. I realize that isn't happening and is the linchpin of my co-dependence. I don't mind if I am needed to play a part in a comedy, or a love story. But I am through playing a part in a tragedy. That part will soon be vacant.
Now I just need the mechanics and nuts and bolts of getting away cleanly and fairly.
Thanks again folks. I'll be reading.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Oh yeah, I was all set for the retirement as well. Still might be able to pull it off at 62 but I'm not sure now. Before it was a sure thing.
I still find myself getting caught on being 'fair' when it comes to the alimony. As tuffgirl said, fair is where you go to ride the rides. I think I'm getting of that ride now.
Oh, my AW would have handled the fart in the elevator by admitting she farted but trying to convince me that somehow it was my fault. Sad part is that for a long time I would have agreed with her.
Your friend,
I still find myself getting caught on being 'fair' when it comes to the alimony. As tuffgirl said, fair is where you go to ride the rides. I think I'm getting of that ride now.
Oh, my AW would have handled the fart in the elevator by admitting she farted but trying to convince me that somehow it was my fault. Sad part is that for a long time I would have agreed with her.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Itchy, and pleased to "meet" you 
As you can see, there's plenty of guys around here. It's just that we're _guys_. I was busy in my "man cave" and I generally communicatie with grunts. All my guy friends understand me, I just need a computer that will hear my grunts and translate into text. It's on my list of things to invent
Oh yes there is. Oh boy there is. I divorced my ex-AW, moved out of town, decided to wait at least a year before I started dating again. Well, I did not wait the full year, nor did I follow my sponsor's advice to wait a year. 6 months and I was dating again. Lovely lady, but we just didn't "fit" as well as were trying to fit. Thank goodness for al-anon or I would have "pushed" that relationship instead of letting it grow.
A year after that I'm in love again. Fantastic woman, full-speed ahead relationship, fireworks in the sky kind of thing. Lasted several years, but we realized we had some deep down disagreements that just were not working out.
Today my sis is trying to set me up with a friend of hers.
And that's just dating life. I have a ton of friends, have travelled across the country, love my quiet little condo. My life is just as wonderful today as it was when my marriage was going well.
I have learned that life doesn't stop just because my emotions are a trainwreck. It goes on. I just have to take a little time to heal and get back on the "road of life".
Oh, and as far as "late life", I am a great-grandfather. I don't use that "late life" term, I prefer "wise life". I can sit back and watch the young-uns spin their wheels all day long and be grateful I don't do that anymore.
Now that is a wide open question Readings on what subject? You know the _best_ guy oriented readings I have found are the al-anon books. Except change the "he" to a "she" in every sentence. That gave me just a little bit of a glimpse of what it's like to live in a world that is oriented to a gender other than mine. Gave me some deep perspective I was lacking.
Welcome to SR, there's a ton of wisdom here and the largest congregation of kind and compassionate peeps on the web. That's why I keep hanging around, I may have seen it all and done it all in my life, but every day I learn something new just reading SR.
Mike
As you can see, there's plenty of guys around here. It's just that we're _guys_. I was busy in my "man cave" and I generally communicatie with grunts. All my guy friends understand me, I just need a computer that will hear my grunts and translate into text. It's on my list of things to invent
Originally Posted by Itchy 
... I just needed to know there was life after late life divorce.....
A year after that I'm in love again. Fantastic woman, full-speed ahead relationship, fireworks in the sky kind of thing. Lasted several years, but we realized we had some deep down disagreements that just were not working out.
Today my sis is trying to set me up with a friend of hers.
And that's just dating life. I have a ton of friends, have travelled across the country, love my quiet little condo. My life is just as wonderful today as it was when my marriage was going well.
I have learned that life doesn't stop just because my emotions are a trainwreck. It goes on. I just have to take a little time to heal and get back on the "road of life".
Oh, and as far as "late life", I am a great-grandfather. I don't use that "late life" term, I prefer "wise life". I can sit back and watch the young-uns spin their wheels all day long and be grateful I don't do that anymore.
Originally Posted by Itchy
... If anybody has any reading that is guy oriented I would appreciate some links.....
Readings on what subject? You know the _best_ guy oriented readings I have found are the al-anon books. Except change the "he" to a "she" in every sentence. That gave me just a little bit of a glimpse of what it's like to live in a world that is oriented to a gender other than mine. Gave me some deep perspective I was lacking.Welcome to SR, there's a ton of wisdom here and the largest congregation of kind and compassionate peeps on the web. That's why I keep hanging around, I may have seen it all and done it all in my life, but every day I learn something new just reading SR.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
I'm not gonna lie, there is a gender imbalance (not a bad thing nor good; it just is what it is). Statistics show that women are more likely to stay with an alcoholic partner and men are more likely to leave one. I think part of that is shaped by traditional husband-wife roles. Interesting topic.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Itchy
I think I will get an RV and take off. We've done that as a couple, now I can get a much smaller rig and do it as a single.
L
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
