RAH manic and obssessively pursuing monetary acquisition...driven, alienating
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RAH manic and obssessively pursuing monetary acquisition...driven, alienating
I want to start by sayng he came out of rehab in Oct 2010.
He lived here, with us, then for 5 months before I had to ask him to leave because he was out of balance and entitled and bratty
Then he lived elsewhere for 6 months. He learned a lot, went to meetings, etc...
Came back home for 6 months. Then just slowly, slowly started not coming home for dinner, not keeping his schedule w our son...I put him out again. That was March.
He lives on a friends couch. He works, he has been kicking ass.
About 3 months ago, it was like a switch went off in him, and he bought a new used car. A very ently used one, luxury import...Then he traded that in for a brand new import with large payments.
Now he wants to trade that in. He has had it for one month.
He is obssessively pursuing a house to buy, got preapproved...This man was homeless less than two years ago, amazing right?
Big success story, right?
He has a great job with his family, good pay, potential ownership /partnership in the near future....
BUt he went for an interview for a bigger, better, higher paying job, while he still has this job.
He is all but entirely devoid of normal emotional repsonse to things.
He is sober, and this, for him, is what sober looks like .
He throws money at emotional problems, talks down on me for not having a new house or car.
He sleeps on a couch.
I paid this f**Ker's share of parenting while he was a gutter drunk.
What a Jerk.
NO, he does not live here. YES, he sees our son on a schedule.
YEs, he still acts as if my portraying that HE would have to make some changes before ever coming back is whacko, sonce he left (in his mind) because I am so unbearable...
Would you classify this as dry drunk.
I classify this as A**holism
He lived here, with us, then for 5 months before I had to ask him to leave because he was out of balance and entitled and bratty
Then he lived elsewhere for 6 months. He learned a lot, went to meetings, etc...
Came back home for 6 months. Then just slowly, slowly started not coming home for dinner, not keeping his schedule w our son...I put him out again. That was March.
He lives on a friends couch. He works, he has been kicking ass.
About 3 months ago, it was like a switch went off in him, and he bought a new used car. A very ently used one, luxury import...Then he traded that in for a brand new import with large payments.
Now he wants to trade that in. He has had it for one month.
He is obssessively pursuing a house to buy, got preapproved...This man was homeless less than two years ago, amazing right?
Big success story, right?
He has a great job with his family, good pay, potential ownership /partnership in the near future....
BUt he went for an interview for a bigger, better, higher paying job, while he still has this job.
He is all but entirely devoid of normal emotional repsonse to things.
He is sober, and this, for him, is what sober looks like .
He throws money at emotional problems, talks down on me for not having a new house or car.
He sleeps on a couch.
I paid this f**Ker's share of parenting while he was a gutter drunk.
What a Jerk.
NO, he does not live here. YES, he sees our son on a schedule.
YEs, he still acts as if my portraying that HE would have to make some changes before ever coming back is whacko, sonce he left (in his mind) because I am so unbearable...
Would you classify this as dry drunk.
I classify this as A**holism
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Posts: 1,175
Yes. It is frustrating. Fortunately, I am only watching from a distance. NOt that he doesnt call everyday to tel me that I am in poverty and I am lucky that he is around.
Oh, did I mention that he got the bigger, better job? ANd theres the working out for two hours a day, and the TAnning Everyday. And he does not want our son to wear pants for more than a few months at a time..."Because I am not in poverty. My child wears new clothes.I am not like you. I have standards..."
!!!! OMG
Yikes.
Oh, did I mention that he got the bigger, better job? ANd theres the working out for two hours a day, and the TAnning Everyday. And he does not want our son to wear pants for more than a few months at a time..."Because I am not in poverty. My child wears new clothes.I am not like you. I have standards..."
!!!! OMG
Yikes.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Buffalo,
Since you asked, he sounds manic. has he been diagnosed as bi polar? Many times bi polar folks self medicate with alcohol or drugs. Sometimes the alcohol/drugs will mask the mood swings. This is something a professional needs to diagnose. Bi polar is treatable when properly diagnosed. I don't have much personal experience with this but two of my friends had done the self medicating and once sober, had wide mood swings.
I hope it gets sorted out for your family.
Love from Lenina
Since you asked, he sounds manic. has he been diagnosed as bi polar? Many times bi polar folks self medicate with alcohol or drugs. Sometimes the alcohol/drugs will mask the mood swings. This is something a professional needs to diagnose. Bi polar is treatable when properly diagnosed. I don't have much personal experience with this but two of my friends had done the self medicating and once sober, had wide mood swings.
I hope it gets sorted out for your family.
Love from Lenina
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Thanks, Lenina,
Well, he has seen a psych doc, but has lied about the diagnosis. He says just tourettes syndrome, very mild.
I suspected he was bi polar years back when he still drank, but he s not now under the care of a doc, but is taking Lyrica for his tics.
He was taking neurontin for the tics for 4 months, and it greatly balanced his behavior, lessened tics. It was like a miracle. After 5 months the Neurontin bottomed out and stopped working. Thats when he found a doc who would prescribe him Lyrica.
I know. Dangerous and stupid, using drugs for off label use with no doc supervision.
Its hard to say of its manic. He is def not joyful...just very, very driven, and agitated if I am not tickled by and awed by his fabulous success.
It feels very precarious to me, and I told my sons therapist I expected some kind of crash to happen. He is too tightly drawn. It is def not normal.
Luckily, I do not have him in my house, and I shut my phone off til afternoon each day. I listen to the messages when I feel ready. Otherwise he will ruin my day.
Very alienating behavior, though.
Especially the judgement and disdain
Well, he has seen a psych doc, but has lied about the diagnosis. He says just tourettes syndrome, very mild.
I suspected he was bi polar years back when he still drank, but he s not now under the care of a doc, but is taking Lyrica for his tics.
He was taking neurontin for the tics for 4 months, and it greatly balanced his behavior, lessened tics. It was like a miracle. After 5 months the Neurontin bottomed out and stopped working. Thats when he found a doc who would prescribe him Lyrica.
I know. Dangerous and stupid, using drugs for off label use with no doc supervision.
Its hard to say of its manic. He is def not joyful...just very, very driven, and agitated if I am not tickled by and awed by his fabulous success.
It feels very precarious to me, and I told my sons therapist I expected some kind of crash to happen. He is too tightly drawn. It is def not normal.
Luckily, I do not have him in my house, and I shut my phone off til afternoon each day. I listen to the messages when I feel ready. Otherwise he will ruin my day.
Very alienating behavior, though.
Especially the judgement and disdain
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Location: Los Angeles, California
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Buffalo
Manic isn't always joyful happiness. it can manifest as intensity. it can be violent. It can be very expansive behavior with the spending. The focused drive, the boundless energy, the lack of sleep and impatience with others who seem to slow. Anger at been held back. It's tricky stuff! you might want to read up on it.
I wish you well. Take care of you!
love from Lenina
Manic isn't always joyful happiness. it can manifest as intensity. it can be violent. It can be very expansive behavior with the spending. The focused drive, the boundless energy, the lack of sleep and impatience with others who seem to slow. Anger at been held back. It's tricky stuff! you might want to read up on it.
I wish you well. Take care of you!
love from Lenina
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Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Buffalo,
I also agree with Lenina and hydrogirl. A manic phase does not have to be happy, giddy, constantly up. It can include overspending amongst other things. It can also be raging, because they might feel good doing this. My ex would actually have a smile on his face while he was raging and taunting me. Bi-polar is not a one fits all description of behavior.
But please don't try to diagnose things. He also probably lied when he went to doctor, they are very unaware of their own actions. So Dr probably diagnosed based on what he had said.
Just take care of you and your son. Leave him to deal with his own problems. Just like with alcoholism, bi-polar, depression, or any other thing, it is something that he would need to want to seek help for.
Take care
If you want a name of a book that you can look at to see what you might be dealing with it is called Depression Fallout, this book is about what you can do for yourself. It's the only reason I would recommend it.
I also agree with Lenina and hydrogirl. A manic phase does not have to be happy, giddy, constantly up. It can include overspending amongst other things. It can also be raging, because they might feel good doing this. My ex would actually have a smile on his face while he was raging and taunting me. Bi-polar is not a one fits all description of behavior.
But please don't try to diagnose things. He also probably lied when he went to doctor, they are very unaware of their own actions. So Dr probably diagnosed based on what he had said.
Just take care of you and your son. Leave him to deal with his own problems. Just like with alcoholism, bi-polar, depression, or any other thing, it is something that he would need to want to seek help for.
Take care
If you want a name of a book that you can look at to see what you might be dealing with it is called Depression Fallout, this book is about what you can do for yourself. It's the only reason I would recommend it.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Geez, I hope you are getting a lot of child support now that he makes so much money! Make sure you get what's fair. I would try to avoid any discussion with him except "Please be here at 6 pm to pick up our son", etc.
It does sound like there is more going on there than just alcoholism. If he's really not drinking, he could def by a dry drunk, but this sounds more extreme. It could be bipolar, but you have no way of knowing if he isn't diagnosed. It could be that he's just a jerk! At any rate, keep your distance and don't let him emotionally abuse you.
It does sound like there is more going on there than just alcoholism. If he's really not drinking, he could def by a dry drunk, but this sounds more extreme. It could be bipolar, but you have no way of knowing if he isn't diagnosed. It could be that he's just a jerk! At any rate, keep your distance and don't let him emotionally abuse you.
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As far as child support goes, he pays a set sum per month, and some incidentals.
It would be higher if I put him BACK into the system.
Right now, I am hesitant to do it, because he is right on the edge of agitated.
I am OK financially right now, even though he says I am in 'poverty' LOL.
I am talking with my sons therapist about how to proceed.
RASTBEXH has committed to the schedule, as well as the therapy sessions. He made the commitment in front of the therapist.
Right now, I am just wanting to get as much witnessed by the therapist as I can. He has not come to the last 2 therapy sessions and doc called him. He is a charmer.
The bigger, better, new job will limit his visitation schedule, and it took months to get him to commit to that.
Its like watching someone drive 120MPH, hoping they dont hit anyone, knowing they are most likely going to crash.
In his mind, he is extrememly successful, and doing great. He goes to a meeting every month or so, and says that is working a program.
he says I am mean because I try to "sully" his great success and landmarks.
Dry Drunk, yes.
Manic, probably, but, either way...
This is not what I thought sobriety would look like, and I am feeling bitter at the universe, because I invested a lot of years and effort and boundaries, and meow meow to get here, and its like when they finally got to OZ and found out its just some little guy behind a curtain.
The tanning thing is funny. And weird. So unlike him, but he wants to look real 'put together.'
It would be higher if I put him BACK into the system.
Right now, I am hesitant to do it, because he is right on the edge of agitated.
I am OK financially right now, even though he says I am in 'poverty' LOL.
I am talking with my sons therapist about how to proceed.
RASTBEXH has committed to the schedule, as well as the therapy sessions. He made the commitment in front of the therapist.
Right now, I am just wanting to get as much witnessed by the therapist as I can. He has not come to the last 2 therapy sessions and doc called him. He is a charmer.
The bigger, better, new job will limit his visitation schedule, and it took months to get him to commit to that.
Its like watching someone drive 120MPH, hoping they dont hit anyone, knowing they are most likely going to crash.
In his mind, he is extrememly successful, and doing great. He goes to a meeting every month or so, and says that is working a program.
he says I am mean because I try to "sully" his great success and landmarks.
Dry Drunk, yes.
Manic, probably, but, either way...
This is not what I thought sobriety would look like, and I am feeling bitter at the universe, because I invested a lot of years and effort and boundaries, and meow meow to get here, and its like when they finally got to OZ and found out its just some little guy behind a curtain.
The tanning thing is funny. And weird. So unlike him, but he wants to look real 'put together.'
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As long as he's keeping up his child support and commitments with your son, who cares. If he is in a manic stage however he will soon crash and you won't have to worry about any of what you are having a problem with. Not really sure why any of what he is doing is bothering you?
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
Well, he has seen a psych doc, but has lied about the diagnosis. He says just tourettes syndrome, very mild.
Tourette's syndrome is related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
OCD is related to bi polar disorder.
See this article
Nothing you can do to control or diagnose him, but being aware of the symptoms is just being informed so you can protect yourself and your son.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Yeah, it sounds horrifying.
But the good news is: he's your ex! Why do you need to hear his opinions on your car, home, whatever? If he knows where to send the child support, and where and when to pick up child for visitation, that's enough. No need for any conversations.
But the good news is: he's your ex! Why do you need to hear his opinions on your car, home, whatever? If he knows where to send the child support, and where and when to pick up child for visitation, that's enough. No need for any conversations.
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How much time does he spend with your child, unsupervised?
I think I'd be alarmed by the change in behavior. It could be mania, or it could be drug abuse--coke or meth. If it is mania, the risk is the massive depression which will follow. The massive depression after mania can lead to suicide and in very rare cases the suicidal person takes a family member with him in death. I don't mean to terrify you. But I would be alert about what is happening when he has your child. And...if it's coke or meth, the dangers are obvious.
I wouldn't care about the material things, or all the weird stuff like the tanning, etc.
But I'd be concerned about my child under his solo supervision. So do take care, and maybe check in with the child frequently (the age of the child...does he have a cell phone of his own yet?) when he is with the father. I hope your counselor can help you with all this.
I think I'd be alarmed by the change in behavior. It could be mania, or it could be drug abuse--coke or meth. If it is mania, the risk is the massive depression which will follow. The massive depression after mania can lead to suicide and in very rare cases the suicidal person takes a family member with him in death. I don't mean to terrify you. But I would be alert about what is happening when he has your child. And...if it's coke or meth, the dangers are obvious.
I wouldn't care about the material things, or all the weird stuff like the tanning, etc.
But I'd be concerned about my child under his solo supervision. So do take care, and maybe check in with the child frequently (the age of the child...does he have a cell phone of his own yet?) when he is with the father. I hope your counselor can help you with all this.
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It might be the same thing...
...at least I think it is. One of the gifts I've gotten in recovery is I no longer need to label behavior. If I'm honest with myself about what I'm seeing the label doesn't matter. I just have to respond to the behavior to the best of my ability (or using what I've learned in Alanon which more and more often is the same thing).
IMHO he is exactly who you are witnessing him being. His repeated behaviors is all the evidence you need. I wish I could tell you what to do about it but I've got nothing other than to suggest what I always suggest-- either start, restart, continue, or go to more Alanon meetings and working the program.
Sorry you are yoked to him through your child, but it's good to see you are doing your best to protect him and you.
Take care,
Cyranoak
IMHO he is exactly who you are witnessing him being. His repeated behaviors is all the evidence you need. I wish I could tell you what to do about it but I've got nothing other than to suggest what I always suggest-- either start, restart, continue, or go to more Alanon meetings and working the program.
Sorry you are yoked to him through your child, but it's good to see you are doing your best to protect him and you.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
Would you classify this as dry drunk.
I classify this as A**holism
I classify this as A**holism
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This is not what I thought sobriety would look like, and I am feeling bitter at the universe, because I invested a lot of years and effort and boundaries, and meow meow to get here, and its like when they finally got to OZ and found out its just some little guy behind a curtain.
You are bitter at the universe because your "investment" didn't pay off the way you thought it should?
What was supposed to happen? What are you waiting for?
This is who he is, I think if I go back, you have mentioned his coldness and inability to be with his son.
Are you two seeing the same therapist? What good is that? Why do you need the therapist to witness his "commitment" to a schedule, when he does not follow the schedule anyway?
Whose sobriety is this anyway?
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You can't control him.
You can't control his meds, who he gets them from or if he takes them.
You can't control how much he works out, if he tans, how much he works or which jobs he pursues.
You will find that you certainly cannot control if he chooses to not exercise a visitation schedule with his son (even a judge can't make him do that).
You also do not have to listen to his criticisms.
Maybe he is manic, maybe he isn't. Does it matter if he isn't willing to do anything about it?
He is a person, not a project to be managed. Your investment of time and energy is your CHOICE.
You can't control his meds, who he gets them from or if he takes them.
You can't control how much he works out, if he tans, how much he works or which jobs he pursues.
You will find that you certainly cannot control if he chooses to not exercise a visitation schedule with his son (even a judge can't make him do that).
You also do not have to listen to his criticisms.
Maybe he is manic, maybe he isn't. Does it matter if he isn't willing to do anything about it?
He is a person, not a project to be managed. Your investment of time and energy is your CHOICE.
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Location: Waterford MI
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as in the past, it could be back n forth once again.
But, it is great news how wonderful your son is doing.
Does he spend time alone with his father? This last episode sounds dangerous.
Beth
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