LoveMeNow

My beautiful son is 16 yrs old. He has raised by his addict bio mom for the first 8 yrs of his life. I adopted him when he was 10 yrs old but have been in his life since he was 3. He was the most loving, sweet boy.

My husband and I fought hard for custody. It was very costly battle both emotionally and financially. Our family court system was a nightmare. The Judge gave us the kids for 3 weeks then gave them back to bio mom, gagged ordered it and stepped down...was just one example. The trial was once a month and it dragged on. The kids best interest was lost and appeared to be all about the money and we were paying for most of it. We even had to $40,000 of her legal bills - court ordered.

Bio mom was evil and she was clever! She didn't care how she used her own kids for revenge against others. It was heartbreaking to watch.

At this time, my husband had no addiction issues, we put the kids in therapy, sports, youth groups and were building our family. I was a new full time mom, had a terminally ill mother who just moved to my state and helped a run a business. My plate was full! lol

My son showed many signs of mental health issues. My husband was in denial. It was easy to make excuses for him though. Abuse, neglect, abandonment issues, I had them down. And I was a great enabler.

His behavior continued to get worse... stealing, pathological lying, manipulation, created chaos, running away and finally a bomb threat. It was then decided he needed a more intensive program so he spent 10 months in a behavioral center and was only discharged because he exhausted all his benefits.

Then he entered his freshman year...a big transition year...more excuses by me. By sophomore year, he started smoking pot and got arrested for it.

He continued to violate his probation and I even turned him for smoking K2. These kids had the system beat. He was eventually put into a substance abuse program and appeared to be doing good. I told him my boundaries and I would no longer be abused by him. First home pass went well. Second home pass (last weekend) I could see the "old" behaviors. Tuesday, I got a call, he had stole and old RX of mine, which was hidden and dispersed it among the others boys and has been kicked out.

I have to be honest, I don't want him coming back home. I can't do it. It's more than just drugs with him and I am his target...by his own admission.

He is only 16 and they are trying to force me. They are well of his my AH issues and seem to give him a "pass." I have been threatened with abandonment and neglect charges, even termination of parental rights.

What am I going to do??

cangel2

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Rough with a 16 yr old....he is still a child really....is another inpatient rehab an option? You can still force that option since you are legal guardian.

Also.....what would happen if your parental rights were terminated? What would his options be then? I am not suggesting that you allow that but what if he was offered an either "this or that" scenario based on termination of rights?

I am sure that there will people along here with experience with minors who will likely be more help. (My AS is legally an adult so that is a bit different).

Hugs to you as you navigate through this situation.

Kindeyes

Is military school an option?

I really don't know what to tell you. This sounds like a very complicated situation. You and your husband are having issues as well, right? He is addicted? This sounds like a whole lot of stress on you. Tough enough to deal with a rebellious teenager when there is a united parental front....really really tough when there's not.

I don't really have any experience to share with you that I think would be useful. I think I would seek counseling if I was faced with this overwhelming situation.

Please......take care of you. Don't lose yourself in this chaos.

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

Our insurance company will not place him in another program. We had to have a psychiatrist recommend a treatment program again. There was long waiting list for the ones I wanted, and his JPO had suggested this and our case worker jumped on it. I wasn't really in favor of this place as I knew he would get kicked out eventually.

I am not sure of all the legalities. But I do know the psychiatrist recommended a therapeutic foster care after his completion of this program....for our safety. However, that is not easy to find especially with all the cut backs.

My son is very intelligent, charming, polite and good looking. He is a master of manipulation and the "honeymoon" periods become longer and longer. He can fool the best of them and has. I used to get frustrated by that, but I know in time....sadly, he will show his true colors. The program director, who is also his counselor, told me off the record - after 20 yrs of working with kids, my son had really fooled him. I said, I know, I understand!

My husband is only 3 weeks clean and appears to be working a program. My son had just gone to NA meeting with him and told my AH everything he wanted to hear. He really believed his only son was on the right road to recovery. I wasn't fooled this time.

I am not giving up hope, however I can not and will not live like that again. Because he is only 16, they can not label him as an anti social personality but off the record I have been repeatedly told he probably is and told by many. My AH will not accept that!

Very sad!!

LoveMeNow

I have looked and looked for military schools, and other programs but because of his legal issues or the cost, it was not an option.

I do have a great therapist and she is supporting my decisions. She agreed there is no way he should come home.

After he left on Sunday, it took my 6 hrs to find my car keys. I have no doubt he hid them. It's just part of the power games he likes to play. Yet to meet him, you would think what a nice kid.

cangel2

Has your therapist provided some ideas of options other than "not at home". She/He should be in a position to provide you with some concrete options based on their experience. This is probably your best resource.

It sounds to me like a place with the ability to deal with dual diagnosis would be important since more than just addiction is an issue here. I just can't believe there isn't an option that insurance would cover under those circumstances. (but maybe I have too much faith in the system).

You seem very very clear on what you are willing not to do...the trick is discovering what you can do. A minor child is still a child and our responsibility no matter how horrible the situation may be. I just know there have to be resources out there....maybe not ones you are particularly fond of but there has to be something.

I know parents who were responsible for older minors with drug and violence issues who basically banned their children from the house but provided them a bed, heat, food and clothing in a garage or outbuilding and just left them to it. I don't get the sense that you have reached the point of letting go or the dire need to do so. But doing that meets your legal responsibility.

Please touch base with your therapist and local agencies again for constructive ideas.

While doing that it might be a great idea to go to some meetings to both get more f2f support and see if others' stories may give you some additional insights.

Impurrfect

(((LoveMeNot))) - thought not the exact circumstances, I understand what your are going through.

My niece was only 1 year and 2 weeks old when her mom died in a car wreck. Her bio-dad is an A to the max. My stepmom had legal guardianship of her, and she is an A, ACOA, codie.

Though my niece knows I love her, there are many times we don't like each other. We are okay, for right now, but I am the total opposite of her bio-family who wants to "take care of everything"...a place to stay with baby-daddy for no money, stepsister who is forking out money for whatever she needs, codie dad who will do the same.

I hold firm to my boundaries...what I have learned here. She is not my child, but I think of her as mine. I refuse, however, to make it easy on her. Though we LOVE eah other, there are many times we don't LIKE each other.

I hold strong to what I've learned about codependency. My fervent prayer is that she "gets" what I'm trying to teach her. Will it work? I don't know..she has her bio-family who wants to do everything she needs/wants. Before she found out she was pregnant? She was a budding addict.

I do the best I can do, and that's ALL I can do. I've clung to the F&F forums and I'm okay (most of the time) when she has nothing to do with me. I remember being 18, thought I knew it all. I've shared this with her, as well as the depths I went to for addiction.

She was sexually active at 13, using drugs when she was 11, thanks to my dad and stepmom who felt "poor baby, she lost her mom when she was a baby". FWIW, my stepmom (her guardian until she turned 18, an addict. Taught my niece that opiates and benzos were the "answer" to life's streffs.

I've worked on MY codie recovery and cut her no slack, but her other family babies her.


I love her, she knows I love her, but she is going to choose the family that babies her. I refuse to be a part of it. She is 4th or 5th generation of ACOA and I can't undo that. I just pray that what I've talked to her about will someday sink in.

We can only do what we can. Some of us (ME!) need to hit rock bottom before we choose a better life and I pray that my niece, the baby she is goint to have may have more insight.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

My niece is now 18, 4 months pregnant. Her baby-dady has a good family so I am hoping and praying for their child.

Chino

If you're at the end of your rope and no longer able to deal with him, please seek legal counsel. In almost all states, there's a juvenile status called 'beyond parental control' or something similar. When parents file the petition the juvenile is detained and essentially becomes a ward of the court (institutionalized). It's a drastic step that no one should take unless all options have been exhausted, and it appears the groundwork has already been done.

Is your husband supporting your decision, that your son is not coming home?

LoveMeNow

My AH and I are separated. He is supposedly around 3 weeks clean (not really truly clean because he is using suboxone) and working a program but who really knows the truth. I have seen some positive changes but I have also seen him very irritable too which is not his "usual" behavior. He says its because his body and mind are still detoxing.

We went to dinner tonight and a Naranon meeting, He said he wanted to see "things" from the families point of view. We discussed it and he wasn't sure how wanted to deal with it. He admitted to wanting to trying to save him from addiction although he knew that was not possible.

He supports my decision for ME 100%. He is just not sure what he wants to do. I bit my tongue and said nothing. It has to be his decision and I don't want to influence him in any way.

But I am 100% sure of my decision about not allowing him to return home and have the full support of my therapist and I know my son's previous 2 therapists will support it 100% too. Both had expressed major concerns for my safety, lack of sincere remorse by him and saw the sick games he like to play with me.

EnglishGarden

Following your story here. I am so sorry for all this stress for you.

Just to get the story right: Is it the substance abuse facility which is ordering you to allow him back home and threatening you with legal action?

Also, have you considered calling the police about your situation today?

We have here, up the road from me, a psychiatric residential facility for juveniles with mental health problems. Often, almost weekly actually, in the police blotter there will be a report about an assault on a faculty member at a local youth residential center. Of course, everyone in town knows where.

I have no knowledge or experience to share with you, I just want to connect and say I'm sorry and hope you will get exactly the right professional advice to protect you.

YearForMe

Facilities (especially when benefits are exhausted) like to threaten abandonment.

It puts fear in you.....and gets him out of their facility.

This is common with elderly people that go to the hospital and when the family says they have no way to bring them home and care for them....the hospital threatens abandonment.

What if he were to "go home" with his dad?

I raised my daughter as a single parent with not one single dime of child support from my ex. My daughter was a great kid and a straight A student until around 14-15 years old.

It was like someone flipped a switch and she started hanging with the wrong crowd, doing drugs....skipping school. Then she ran away to live with her dad (who's rights had been limited but not totally removed)
It was only a few years ago that someone sent me the DSM IV diagnosis definition of Sociopathy.....which fit my daughter to a tee.

There is no cure for Sociopathy. Therapy usually makes it worse....they just keep adding to their sociopathic tool box.


He threatened to file for child support from me. I laughed and said I would terminate my own parental rights and quit my job before that would ever happen.

It was just a threat.

Now is the time for you to be fearless (or appear so) and draw your line in the sand and don't back down.

Do some research on sociopathy and narcissism and if you decide he exhibits similarities, then you can only protect yourself.

zoso77

LoveMeNot...

I don't have children. I really don't have the slightest clue on how to handle this...

...but here are my thoughts, anyways...

At the end of the day, YOUR boundaries are YOUR boundaries. And sometimes that means making decisions you really don't want to make. The greatest thing about this board is there are women like you who have shared how they've dealt with children with either mental health issues, addiction issues, or both. Use that as a resource. Make sure you're taking care of yourself. Make sure you hydrate. Make sure you have something good to eat.

Take care of you. You're in my thoughts and prayers, as is your son.

ZoSo

Anaya

Please do protect yourself. It is horrible to live under the thumb of a minor, who knows that the law gives them the upper hand and then use it to their advantage to take advantage. Life can become a nightmare.

Take care of you first.

LoveMeNow

"There is no cure for Sociopathy. Therapy usually makes it worse....they just keep adding to their sociopathic tool box."

This exactly what I am seeing and have been saying. His "honeymoon" behavior is getting longer and longer but his true colors always show up eventually. Scary!!

The program is looking for placement because I will not allow him to come home. DCF will be called and abandonment charges will be filled. I spoke to a his former therapist and she confirmed that this is what will happen. She also supports my decision.

My therapist and his former therapist are willing to write a letter on my behalf. But in order for the state to put him a long term foster care program, I will have my parental rights terminated. The judge can charge me or not, its up to their discretion.

It breaks my heart to say this but I just can not allow him to come. He is far worse then living with a full blown active addict.

I have read a lot about anti social behavior and he has so many of the characteristic that it is so scary.

The other option is - my son may be able to live with my AH. The program director is fighting this but my husband is meeting with him next week to discuss it. Sadly, I don't care if his father is in active addiction or not, I will support him living with his father. It wont last long.....my son is one crime away from a long term commitment program so I give that living arrangement no more than a month.

LoveMeNow

That's exactly what is happening! My son knows the system and what I must do legally and he is playing it well. Life is a nightmare with him, the court system is a nightmare. I am standing firm and saying NO to him coming home.

At this point, I will take accept the legal ramifications or I will end up in a psych ward. I am thinking about ME. I am protecting my sanity at all costs.

I still love my son very much, however I will just need to love him from a distance.

JustAYak

I can almost guarantee your parental rights will be terminated and you will be charged with abandonment. Be prepared for that. I understand your decision though. It is sad...your son will most certainly not be helped at all in the foster care system. He will probably be moved around a lot as the foster parents will not be able to put up with his antics either and request that he be removed. Unfortunately, this will only add to his issues...but it sounds like his issues can't really be helped much anyway, not if he doesn't want it. It's a bit cruel really (the foster care system, not you). I would definitely look into legal counsel though, if you are charged, it can be a felony though I think if you voluntarily give up your rights its classified as a misdemeanor, probably varies by state...

I was in the foster care system for a short period of time (I went in a couple months before I turned 18) and my sister was in the system too and got moved once, until our original foster parents adopted her officially after my mom's parental rights were terminated by a judge. She did not willingly give us up, so it was a different situation, really.

I wish you the best.

crazybabie

((((LoveMeNot)))

When I first joined SR. it was because of my son he has a diagnosis of schizoaffective and anti social personality. He started seeing and hearing things when he was only 6, The first thing I did was put him in therapy sadly as time went by he did exactly what the doctors told me would likely happen.I had to lock myself and my other two children in the bedroom and put a dresser against the door too protect us.

I was told that he would likely be in and out of the system and he was, he did boot camp, juvie, one program he was in for a year. The older he got the worse it got he started going in and out of jail and is now in prison.

I was told these things would likely happen and possibly death. He has been very lucky thus far because once someone ran their truck through his motel room and another time he was found in the middle of the street by the police someone had beat him in the head with a gun.

He learned how to work the system well. I will be praying for you and him I understand how hard this, is I tried to find help and it was not available.

Anaya

LoveMeNot: My heart breaks when I read your posts and those of others, who have loved and nurtured and then have had to face the pain of letting go of loved ones, when it is no longer safe to be around them.

I cannot offer solutions but would like to add that in my own experience, we ran the gamut of all sorts of outside help for our troubled teenaged son - physician, psychiatrist, MH therapists, D&A outpatient treatment, dual diagnosis inhouse stay, police, court intervention, school teachers and admin, and even concerned family and friends. Once he was over 18, had gotten into trouble with the law multiple times, had commandeered our home, continued with drug use, his regular crowd, refused help and continued with manipulation, we chose (what I guess I could say is) tough love, when as prisoners in our own home, we would no longer tolerate the nightmare. We kicked him out...so NOT easy.

If it's any comfort, now at almost 21 years old, he is respecting our house rules, the violence is gone, and this is the first time in years we have had an extended period of peace. I know that could change in a heartbeat but, for now, there is peace.

I admire your strength and wish you continued strength for the possible battle that lies ahead. I hope the therapists, who offer support for you, will follow through. Research all possibilities that will give you an opportunity to have protection and a chance at some peace of mind.

Keep us posted. I am praying for you and your family.

LoveMeNow

Thank you for kind words and support. We have ran the whole gamut you too as well as I had written to our Governor twice. One was helpful, one was not.

It's very sad! The program director told me he truly believed with out some divine intervention, my son would spend his life in and out of jail.

LoveMeNow

Thank you Anvilhead for your support. My son is only 16 so unfortunately the courts don't agree. But honestly, I have done everything I know to help him since he was 8 yrs old.

He is very smart, good looking, charming, well mannered and most people would and used to think I was exaggerating about him. But his last 2 (really 3) therapist have warned me about him.

Looks and charm can very deceiving. The current program director who has worked with troubled kids for 20 yrs now agrees I should be very concerned. He has been there for 2months, no issues and boom!! Not the norm. He has fined tuned his act.

My son was even one of the many reasons I stayed with my AH. A good mom doesn't allow he son to live with an addict, yet I was afraid of him and knew I couldn't do it alone. Well, I have to take care of me now. My AH will probably get a place for them and they can feed off each other. I have done all I could and I can't do any more. I seriously mean that, I CANT!

Now my goal is to realize that about his father!!