Itsachoice

I'm new to this website and was searching for a little strength and support. I am almost 60 and I have been with my husband for 16 years, married for the last 12. I have an occasional drink, never to excess and have never had tolerance for those who did. I married a man who I thought was the same way. We would have a beer or glass of wine at a restaurant when we would go out to eat occasionally. Neither of us would have more than 2 drinks, and usually just 1 each. We never had liquor in the house, but would buy beer or wine if guests were coming. Again, always moderation, or so I thought.
In 2008, my husband was hospitalized for an irregular heart beat which had caused congestive heart failure and brought him close to kidney failure. He was in the hospital for several days while they tried various things to regulate his heart beat. After a couple of days, I figured he was getting bored and I thought he might like his laptop. When I went to get it out of his briefcase, I found a large, almost empty bottle of vodka. At that moment, my entire relationship (at that time 12 years) passed in front of me. It explained everything. I was totally blown away. It explained the isolation I felt, the barriers he put up, his health problems, his bad memory, his letting everything deteriorate, not being able to awaken him to go to bed at night, ...the list went on and on. I felt like such a fool.
When I confronted him, he was sorrowful, admitted he was a "functional alcoholic" and had been for long before he met me. He admitted to drinking several times a week, after he got home from work, always carefully hiding the bottle and disposing of it off premises. Of course, he promised to quit, but didn't. He refused to go to AA. I did for a while convince him to go to counseling, which he did to appease me, but he would stop at the liquor store on his way home. He doesn't want to quit. He wants to be left alone to drink and get his buzz and fall asleep. He doesn't have hang-overs, he says he doesn't experience physical withdrawal symptoms if he doesn't drink, but he psychologically can't quit, he craves the buzz and gets antsy and agitated without it.
I tried Al-anon for a while but the group was a bit cliquish and a far drive. But I read a lot of the materials and books, and found some good information to help me through my most difficult times. We since moved, and there isn't a group anywhere near. I have seen a decline in my husband's mental and physical abilities. He is/was a brilliant man but now displays what I feel are symptoms of alcohol dementia. He is 62. A couple of years ago, he quit his job. So much for the "functional" part. I could see where his mental decline would make it hard for him to do his job and he had a boss he didn't like. He has always been passive-aggressive and proud of it, so he probably drove her nuts, as well. But, he just couldn't do analytical thinking anymore, and he doesn't seem to know it and I'm sure he wouldn't admit or agree if I told him. But the simplest tasks totally confound him. He didn't look for another job and I don't think he could handle one anyway. He doesn't remember anything and he is so flipping argumentative. He says the same thing over and over and over and doesn't listen/remember/understand what anyone else is saying. I can't stand talking to him anymore.
He still hides his liquor and we generally don't discuss it. He is a pretty quiet drunk. He drinks, he falls asleep or passes out. But our whole day is still effected by his alcohol. If we go out during the day, you can see his anxiety build if we aren't home by 3. You can see him plotting getting to the liquor store, plotting sneaking, plotting hiding, plotting disposing. He isn't abusive or mean-spirited, although with that passive-aggressive business he can be a bit of an ******* sometimes. He isn't going to do anything he doesn't want to do, and anything he does, it's going to be his way. He is a frustrating man who is controlled by alcohol and I have no hope that he will change. I have lost respect for him, I have compassion for him, but I don't know if I love him or not anymore. He isn't the man I thought I married, and obviously never was. I worry about safety issues as he is so absent minded. I don't think he drinks and drives, but I don't have anyway of knowing. His reaction time is bad and his driving scares me when he is sober.
I have done a lot to save myself lately. I had to retire from my job in 2007 due to disability. I am now in a wheelchair, and although I can still stand and walk some, it is painful and exhausting for me. I was always very independent so it was pretty depressing for me to have to depend on someone else or ask someone to help me. We didn't socialize much and we really didn't know many people except those from work and neither of us wanted to associate with people from work outside of work. So when we both were at home 24/7 there just wasn't anything new to talk about and we got bored and boring. Our house wasn't very wheelchair friendly either, so I decided it was time to sell and find a place I could function in. I also thought it would be a good idea to find a place that was active adult community so we would be around others who had retired and could socialize some. We found a great spot and my higher power was looking out for me. Our house sold quickly, we had our new one built, all ready for my wheelchair. I have made it my personal goal to find friends here that I am comfortable around so I don't feel emotionally dependent on my husband for conversation or to go somewhere. I think the biggest strain on our marriage is for me to look for something from him that I am not going to get. It's depressing to know that is pointless to want anything from him. It's also depressing to know that I am in a relationship where there is no warmth, no passion, only compassion. It's also difficult to live in a relationship that is a lie. I haven't told my adult children of his problem. I don't lie, I don't cover for him, but I just haven't discussed it with them. Perhaps they have figured it out on their own, perhaps not.
Sometimes I think of leaving him, sometimes I think, why bother. Sometimes I wish he would drop dead, and sometimes I think I might miss something about him if he did. Sometimes I wish he would just hold me and tell me that he loves me, sometimes I wish he would just stay on the other side of that barrier he built so long ago.
But anyway, that's me, I'm here and hope to hear some uplifting words from fellow spouses of alcoholics.

NYCDoglvr

Wow, what a tough time you're having. But based on your post you sound like a strong, resilient person and your life can improve. You are right, it is very sad to realize that the basic things you need from your mate aren't going to materialize. And you're powerless to change that.

It helps to move forward, even if it is small steps. Have you read "Codependent No More"? It's a wonderful book that has helped so many of us understand ourselves and what we need to do to have a better life. Al-anon saved my life. I wouldn't have been able to leave an abusive relationship without the support of my sponsor. Factoring in your disability, is it possible to leave the situation entirely?

We've all been where you are but like others we can vastly improve our lives by taking action to make the changes.

God Bless!

Itsachoice

Thanks for responding. Sorry I was so long winded. It's all overwhelming sometimes. Leaving or staying is a dilemma. One makes it more difficult physically, the other is more difficult mentally. My husband always wanted to cook and do the shopping alone and I always let him. When I found out about the drinking I new why. So I take the good with the bad. But the worse he gets the more difficult it is for him to plan, shop and prepare a meal so I wonder how long it will be before it matters either way. he has gotten where he embarrasses me now. I can't see where it's going. I read codependent no more years ago when my youngest daughter was giving me problems. She liked to create the mess and jump out and let me clean it up. She would suck me into every situation of her bad judgement. I read the book, through her out of the house when she dropped out of s hook and wouldn't work but wanted to be a total jerk. I pulled a tough love on her but she pulled through and made it and has a teen of her own who doesn't come anywhere near close to paying her back. I'll reread the book again. Thanks for reminding me about it

Spes

I echo the sentiments of NYCDoglvr. I can also empathize with your dilemna. At our age it can sometimes be very difficult to start over again.

You wrote that you are afraid of his driving and that he hides the liquor and it's not talked about. My wife has gotten into accidents while driving and not remembered it happened. She doesn't drive while drunk but she has suffered blackout while sober. For the safety of innocent people, I drive her to the liquor store when she wants to go. I don't believe I am enabling because she is going to go with or without my blessing and I don't want her to kill someone by her driving. I don't buy the booze; she has to walk into the store, pay for it, and carry the bag home. I'm just the taxi service.

She doesn't hide it because I don't want her to have to sneak around to get it. Again...I see it as a safety issue because of her blackouts.

If your husband doesn't want to stop drinking on his own, then there is nothing you can do to make him change. What is important is you. Is there a senior center near you where you can take classes or engage in activities that will give you enjoyment? Is there a hobby you have put off doing like painting or music or whatever interests you?

I would also recommend the book: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie where she talks about the idea of loving detachment.

I'm sorry you are having a bad time. Whether you stay or leave is a personal decision that is made even more difficult by your circumstances. Believe me, I understand more than you know. What I do know is that the people here on this board have helped me immensely by sharing their stories. Please take the time to read all the "stickeys" and their stories.

My wife sounds remarkedly similar to your husband. She is dying from physical health issues from the alcohol and her mental abilities are about gone. I do what I can to keep her from driving and I keep an eye around the house for safety issues like her leaving the stove on. I was going crazy before I arrived here a month ago and I am so grateful for all the help I have received here to help me cope.

I truly wish you well.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family. You are a good writer!

I hope you will continue to share, read, ask questions and make yourself at home.

I am currently re-reading Codependent No More. I've lost count on how many times I have read the book, but I always gain new insight with each reading.

I wanted to welcome you, send you a cyber (((hug))) and encourage you to keep reaching out for support - you are worth the effort!

changeschoices

Is your husband willing to see a doctor about his mental confusion? I am worried for you because when his condition gets worse, you will be the caretaker, unless you leave him. As cold as it sounds, you may have to weigh the pros and cons here of staying or leaving. Can you handle both your physical limitations plus having to care for someone with dementia? Do you want to be in that role for someone who gives you so little emotionally?

Being the caretaker of someone with dementia is challenging under the best of circumstances, but when that person is an alcoholic who is passive aggressive and unloving, you really have nowhere to fill your emotional cup unless you have fantastic, supportive friends and family nearby.

How are you doing in your new community? Are you getting out and having a social life without your husband? Do you have family nearby? Have you considered seeing a counselor or a pastor/rabbi/priest if you practice a religion? How are you doing physically--are you practicing good self-care and doing okay?

I think it's okay to tell your adult children. It is very hard and not healthy to keep secrets inside, and it's probably best for your children to know in the event that something serious happens with your husband and you need their support.

Is your husband willing to go to counseling? AA? It sounds like he knows he has a problem, but is going keep drinking even though it's killing him.

I am sorry for the lack of connection and passion in your marriage. We all want to connect. You might find that passion in doing something that you love, be it a hobby or volunteer work. Or you might find it with a new person.

Do come back here! We are all at different points in our journeys but our stories have so much in common.

Itsachoice

My husband denies he is mentally confused. Having to be his caretaker is my concern also and I know it sounds cold, but.... I just don't have sympathy for a person whose behavior and choices led them to all of their conditions. I would feel more compassion and sympathy for a total stranger than I can for a person that though their own choices has ruined their lives, especially with someone who has had such a charmed life as he has had. What a waste of a brilliant mind. I am physically unable to be his caretaker as well. Another concern is the financial responsibility for a man who may cause injury to someone else or need long-term medical care.
I am getting out some in the new community, mostly with my husband, but sometimes on my own. My community has a wonderful indoor heated swimming pool that I go to and exercise. It is renewing physically and mentally.
I haven't told my children for a few different reasons, although I did tell one of his sons as I felt it was important for him to know. I don't like involving them with my problems when they have enough of their own Needing someone to talk to, I told my sister when I first discovered he drank, and have regretted it many, many times. I think that if you don't walk in someone's shoes, it is difficult to understand what they feel, and why they feel it. Something I told my sister in confidence, she has chosen on many occasions to make a topic of discussion in her social circles...just because she likes to tell stories and talk about others, with some embellishment. I don't doubt but what she told my other sister who in turn probably couldn't resist mentioning it to one of my daughters which I'm sure got told to the other daughter. This may not be the case, but knowing my sisters, it probably is. The time may come when I have to tell my children and I know they will be supportive when I do, but I just don't want to put it on their plate just yet. I am trying to develop my own coping mechanisms and sometimes I do real well and sometimes I'm not so tough.

Itsachoice

My husband won't drink openly, everything has to be hidden. I have asked him not to hide it as I feel he cannot even begin recovery until he quits hiding and comes out of the denial. Honestly, I would much rather have him put the bottle on the counter in the open than hide it, sneak and drink, and let me have to observe his behavior and wonder if this is the night he is drinking or not. He just won't do it though. Saying this, you can see why he wouldn't let me drive him to the liquor store. I don't know if this will ever change. The hiding is as much of his addiction as the drinking is.

sugarbear1

Try reading this: The Immortal Alcoholic

It's sad what alcohol can do to a person.

I wish you well,