theuncertainty

...and... I can't describe it.... I don't know.... misled... betrayed... left to twist...

There is a no contact order in place through civil court from our divorce. Contact between AXH and I is only to be via e-mail about DS, phone only in case of an emergency about DS.

I'd sought an ex parte DV protective order, but didn't go into enough detail on what AXH did so the magistrate denied the ex parte request and put it down to him seeming intimidating and us having differing levels of interest in s-x. The courts then rolled the long term PO request into the civil hearing with the divorce. His attorney started by saying, well, the ex parte was denied, but we'll agree to a mutual no contact order. My attorney at the time told me that it's the same thing, just I can't bug him either. Fine. I don't want to talk with him at all so I'd never bug him any way.

What the f-head didn't say, and what I learned today (a year and a 1/2 later) when I called the DV response unit about AXH's text message, was:

1. There is no order out there that's enforceable by the police; i.e. unless AXH's text was overtly threatening (which it wasn't), they couldn't go talk to him, much less arrest him, for violating the no contact.
2. Once the request for PO goes into the civil court and changes to a no contact order, it's basically just the judge telling the party not to do something.
3. I would have to tell my attorney or the judge about the infraction, which means filing an order and waiting.....

I replaced the 1st attorney after he

1. took my notes outlining AXH's abuse, including rather explicit details about the SA, and simply pasted them onto his letterhead, without editing, to file as a affidavit in response to AXH's filing.
2. failed to tell me that the affidavit would be viewable by the public - DS when he's older, prospective employers who might do public records searches as part of their hiring process, etc. and
3. I found out that it's a very common tactic for attorneys to offer to agree to a mutual no contact order (which SHOULD have raised flags for me then)

My second attorney never said anything about the no contact order being not-enforceable by the PD. (I guess it wouldn't have mattered, it was already done, and I can't go back and ask for one until AXH gets REALLY out of line again.) In fact, when, at the end of the divorce proceedings, I told her about infractions by AXH, she asked me why I didn't call the police. 'Well, because you'd told me to log it in a journal and bring it back to you and we'd tell the judge. That's what I'm doing.' 'Well, there's nothing we can do NOW.'

These were both people that I trusted to help me take the steps I needed to keep me and DS safe. They're supposed to be the people versed in the legal process and I was PAYING them to advise me on the process. WHY didn't they tell me the most basic thing of: if you go this route, a no contact order, the police won't have any teeth against AXH?

She's not my attorney now that the divorce is complete. I could go back to her, but that'd mean another retainer, more fees. I have no extra money and I make just *this* much too much to qualify for assistance or low-cost legal assistance. And based on the help I got from 2 fairly expensive attorneys, I think I'd be better off representing myself, any way. Because then, at least it seems, the judge would 'offer help' - he basically held AXH's hand through the proceedings after his attorney asked to be let go. "Now you understand that if you ____, then that means ____."

It took me about a year of no-contact via phone to get to a point where I wasn't jumping out of my skin every time the phone rang - afraid it was AXH. I don't want to have to go through that again.

I'm not looking for advice, just venting. Could use a shoulder, because I really do feel like I'm alone in all of this.

purpleflower8

:ghug3

Spes

You are not alone. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))

lillamy

You are not alone. And you can at least blame the lawyer. I agreed to rolling the DV PO into the divorce as a mutual NC, knowing what it would do, because not doing it would have delayed my divorce and probably pushed it from uncontested to contested. My lawyer asked me over and over again if I was sure I wanted to do that. And I did it anyway...

And you're right. It has to cross the line to criminal threat which is incredibly hard (for example, sending you a text that says "I am going to beat you up" isn't enough) because it has to rise to you "reasonably fearing imminent harm"... basically, he'd have to be standing outside your door and YELLING it...

AND because you're sharing custody, you can't block his number either.

It's infuriating and mindboggling and very, very painful. And I know. :ghug3

MsPINKAcres

I pray for the day when our judicial system truly realizes how serious a restraining order needs to be handled by the law enforcement ~ that most of the time it is not just some

"hormonal housewife ticked off cause her old man stayed out one nite having a good time with the boys and now she is trying to get back at him"

ugh ugh ugh . . .

sending out prayers & PINK HUGS for brighter more peaceful days soon!

Rita

theuncertainty

Thank you, guys. :ghug3

I just sent an e-mail to him telling him that I'm not communicating with him by text based on the court order: contact only by e-mail and pointed out that the e-mail string I was replying on showed he had mobile e-mail on his phone. (He said he didn't have internet access. I didn't point out that he could use the computers at the library for free, because I like to hang out there with DS....)

I also repeated my request for the correct address of his new place and the names of the 2 new roommates he said he had.

I probably didn't have to do any of that. But I *felt* I had to. Kind of a paper-trail, I guess... I really do need to go in and ask the courts to revise stuff, so DS and I can have at least a couple uninterrupted weekends where we can plan to go camping with out having to rush back just so he can be disappointed by his dad no-showing and mad that we cut the weekend short.... I don't know why I'm dragging my feet on that...

theuncertainty

I need to get this out, and my sister is out of state (2000 + miles away), sooooo..... It's been 10 weeks since AXH has seen DS. 10 weeks of last minute cancellations or no-shows. 10 weeks of lies about why he's not showing. Approximately 10 weeks since his GF (now ex), who is/was a visitation supervisor, kicked AXH out. 10 weeks of feeling like DS and I are still hostages to his schedule.

Two weeks ago, I finally pulled my courage and notes together and filed a motion to modify visitation.

I've received 2 emails from the exGF. One to tell me AXH is lying about why he's not seeing DS; that AXH is a pathological liar, sex addict, alcoholic loser. Which really isn't news, but sex addict is a new label. (One I don't agree with. I don't think it's an addiction; I just think he's an a--hole who thinks he's entitled to what ever he wants and doesn't take no for an answer.) The 2nd e-mail was after AXH received the modification paperwork to tell me she had to take a protective order out against AXH.

I also have the name of one of his roommates, since she signed the return receipt card for AXH. In the past 2 years, this lovely lady has had a DV-no kids-protective order and a (non-DV) protective order taken out against her; has violated both PO's, has a disorderly conduct conviction, a driving with an open container conviction. So there are a few reasons he's avoided the names...

Today is the deadline for AXH to file a response to the custody modification and serve the documents; though I think there's then a 3 day period for it to get through the mail to me. So if I don't receive anything by Friday or Saturday, he's not contesting it. I'm not going to hold my breath though, because if he lets his sister know and she takes over his work on contesting the modification, I'll be facing an uphill battle to keep the visits supervised...

One thing I don't really understand is my ex-sister-in-law and ex-father-in-law are also court approved visitation supervisors, but no sign of them since the beginning of the year. Nor have they been in contact wanting to see DS in their own right. XSIL was vociferously, nastily adamant about AXH having rights to see his son. I'm torn, between thinking they've FINALLY started taking steps to stop enabling their brother/son and wondering why they've pushed DS out of the picture. I don't get it and I'm trying to tell myself that I never will. I already know that my idea of Family is completely different from their idea... *shakes head* I just need to let that go, but it's so hard.

I'm trying really hard to let go of the guilt for wishing / hoping that AXH and his enabling family just disappear, that they all just let DS and I go. That in a year from now, I'll still not have heard from them. Guilt because, they're DS's family, too. Guilty because I feel like the requirement that AXH's visitations be supervised (by them) is giving them an excuse to push DS away; like I'll be blamed for them ignoring him.

Huh.... so this post took a different turn than I expected when I started... and I no longer feel as strong as I did when I started typing.

suki44883

You have NO reason to feel guilty about anything. If it were me, I would be hoping they'd all just go away, too. They all sound like a bunch of nuts to me. Both you and DS are better off without them in your lives.

I hope you don't hear a word from them and are able to get your modified visitation. BTW - What did you ask for in the way of modification?

theuncertainty

Based on the new information that GF got a PO against him, I didn't change it enough...

Current arrangement is that AXH gets: Visits supervised by (now-ex)GF, his sister or father; 2 of every 3 weekends Saturday Noon to Sunday 4 pm, and on the 3rd weekend dinner on Sunday, Father's Day, AXH's birthday, every other Thanksgiving, all day Christmas Eve.

AXH never exercised his visit on his birthday, a partial visit on one Father's Day, and a greatly abbreviated visit on Christmas Eve so they could go to holiday parties; has never shown for ANY school events or appointments.

What I asked for is dinner every other Monday supervised by SIL or FIL, a short visit on Christmas Eve and dinner on Father's Day. DS and I get all of Spring Break and at least 2 straight weeks in the Summer for trips without restrictions from AXH.

And even with the PO and the visit history, I'm afraid the court will see me as a vindictive ex who's trying to withhold visitation from AXH....

I *know* that what I've asked for is more than he's been doing, but still...

wicked

No guilt here at all the uncertainty. What can you do about adults who think this whole thing is a game. They won the prize, (got the visitation) once they "win" it's over. DS was barely a thought tied to the idea of winning. I have been married to a family like this, be glad they have dropped you. They are poison. Would you feel guilt for poison?
Guilt and blame, remember this game is over.

Walk away proud that you fought the entire family and are happy with your DS.
Put them out of your mind and live a good life.
You and he deserve it.

Beth

wanttobehealthy

Oh I'm so sorry for you! I'm sure you know I can totally relate to the useless justice system when it comes to RO's and enforcing them and protecting women. It's sad how many of us there are who've found the system fails us. You have every reason to be angry and fed up. Good for you for ditching your first lawyer who sounds like a real piece of work

wicked

Please tell me how you become a vindictive ex when he does not exercise his visitation?
I do not understand the jump from what he does makes you look bad?

theuncertainty

Oh, Beth, it doesn't, and I *know* that even if panic or awfulizing sets in and I forget. But.... with AXH and his family I've been the vindictive ex who was mad that AXH for moving in w a new GF while we were still married and THAT (in their mind) is the ONLY reason I was insisting on supervised visits or asked for drug testing.

wicked

I am sorry, but you are handling it well.
It has been awful you had such terrible representation.
It seems criminally negligent to me, but I watch way to much Law and Order.
All flavors, all reruns. And now Comcast can replay whenever I want it!

Remember too, that whatever those loop de loos say about you is just so much dust in the wind. They have no substance.

:ghug3

Beth

pinkdog

It sounds like you are doing what you need to do. Hugs.

lillamy

"Progressive Disease" is what I'm thinking.
Who knows what's gone on between him and his family.
Is it unreasonable to believe that he has done something to alienate them as well, like stealing from them or lying to them or chewing them out in a drunken rage? Maybe they're finally seeing the light, and that's why they're staying out of the picture. I mean, even if they see you as the vindictive ex, they may still see that your AXH isn't a good person for DS to be around?

You're doing great, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he simply doesn't contest this.