Really needing some honest advive
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 6
Really needing some honest advive
Hi everyone
I am needing some advice right now. My husband and I have been married for almost three years (together 5). For most of this marriage we drank together quite regularly (me approx 3 days a week and him 7 days a week). About a month ago I moved to an apartment (he wanted to separate because "I make him unhappy"). He has threatened divorce multiple times over the marriage and we separated briefly last year and then, as usual, reconciled. It is a never ending cycle of "I want you", "I don't want you." Anyhow, I have quit drinking and am working on myself and getting stronger day by day. We were still seeing each other a couple of times a week and had an understanding that we would try to work things out. However, every time we got together he has been drunk and it escalates into arguments. I can say the smallest thing and he will take it and go on a rampage of verbal abuse. After a few of these episodes I have finally told him that I don't think we should have contact anymore. I guess I am just wondering if this is the right way to go with an alcoholic spouse. I am so confused and feel like he will never change. (he doesn't really think he has a problem.) I know that I can't be taken down with him and do not deserve the verbal abuse but I am doubting my decision.
Thanks everyone for listening. I need to get this off my chest and I would love some feedback
I am needing some advice right now. My husband and I have been married for almost three years (together 5). For most of this marriage we drank together quite regularly (me approx 3 days a week and him 7 days a week). About a month ago I moved to an apartment (he wanted to separate because "I make him unhappy"). He has threatened divorce multiple times over the marriage and we separated briefly last year and then, as usual, reconciled. It is a never ending cycle of "I want you", "I don't want you." Anyhow, I have quit drinking and am working on myself and getting stronger day by day. We were still seeing each other a couple of times a week and had an understanding that we would try to work things out. However, every time we got together he has been drunk and it escalates into arguments. I can say the smallest thing and he will take it and go on a rampage of verbal abuse. After a few of these episodes I have finally told him that I don't think we should have contact anymore. I guess I am just wondering if this is the right way to go with an alcoholic spouse. I am so confused and feel like he will never change. (he doesn't really think he has a problem.) I know that I can't be taken down with him and do not deserve the verbal abuse but I am doubting my decision.
Thanks everyone for listening. I need to get this off my chest and I would love some feedback
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,002
Cursive,
Do not doubt yourself. You sound like you have your act together. Do not let yourself be taken down with him. I say this as an alcoholic that has decided to be sober. When drinking or wanting to drink we are not the people we should or want to be. We are liars and are very good at manipulating any situation into something that allows us to drink or to blame our problems on someone else. He will not change because you want him to. You are not making him miserable, he is miserable and the alcohol is making it worse. You are not going to fix him.
Do not doubt yourself. You sound like you have your act together. Do not let yourself be taken down with him. I say this as an alcoholic that has decided to be sober. When drinking or wanting to drink we are not the people we should or want to be. We are liars and are very good at manipulating any situation into something that allows us to drink or to blame our problems on someone else. He will not change because you want him to. You are not making him miserable, he is miserable and the alcohol is making it worse. You are not going to fix him.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Cursive, Welcome!
No one here can make this decision for you, we can only tell you what happened for us. I can tell you that addiction is progressive and will only stop if and when your husband decides to get help for himself.
Is his behavior acceptable to you? You have said that he is verbally abusive--for me that is a deal breaker. Looking in from the outside, you deserve much better treatment! You deserve peace and joy!!
No one here can make this decision for you, we can only tell you what happened for us. I can tell you that addiction is progressive and will only stop if and when your husband decides to get help for himself.
Is his behavior acceptable to you? You have said that he is verbally abusive--for me that is a deal breaker. Looking in from the outside, you deserve much better treatment! You deserve peace and joy!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: North Augusta, SC
Posts: 35
I agree with the comments. Until he faces the fact he has a problem, it will only escalate. I've lived with my AH for 30 years. Add verbal abuse in there on top of the alcoholism and I'm now (finally) at my breaking point. I'm still with him but I'm now going to Alanon, have been reading books, and will start counseling next week. I have lost who I am over the years and haven't been happy for a long, long time. I have a long way to go to get my happy back, to get myself back, but I have to do it for my own health and sanity.
You sound like you have it together. Keep thinking about you and what you want and need and go with that. The AH will only think of himself. Believe it or not my AH once acused me fo being selfish! Ha!!
You sound like you have it together. Keep thinking about you and what you want and need and go with that. The AH will only think of himself. Believe it or not my AH once acused me fo being selfish! Ha!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 6
Thank you everyone for replying and sharing your experiences with me.
As hard as it is to have no contact with him I now feel that it is the right decision. I guess if he misses me enough he will reach out and perhaps make some changes in his life to save the marriage. If he chooses his lifestyle over the marriage I guess I have my answer there too as heartbreaking as that is.
I've probably been struggling with it so much because he has told me time and time again that I will never find love or make anyone happy, that I am a failure and selfish is a word that he throws around on a weekly basis. He has twisted my mind to believe that I am the one with all of the problems and that he drinks because of me. I know in my heart that it is not true.
As hard as it is to have no contact with him I now feel that it is the right decision. I guess if he misses me enough he will reach out and perhaps make some changes in his life to save the marriage. If he chooses his lifestyle over the marriage I guess I have my answer there too as heartbreaking as that is.
I've probably been struggling with it so much because he has told me time and time again that I will never find love or make anyone happy, that I am a failure and selfish is a word that he throws around on a weekly basis. He has twisted my mind to believe that I am the one with all of the problems and that he drinks because of me. I know in my heart that it is not true.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by cursive 
he has told me time and time again that I will never find love or make anyone happy, that I am a failure and selfish is a word that he throws around on a weekly basis. He has twisted my mind to believe that I am the one with all of the problems and that he drinks because of me. I know in my heart that it is not true.
My husband of 16 years is an alcoholic. We are separated but our relationship is amicable. We have four kids. He has chosen the drinking lifestyle over being with his family. There is nothing I can do but put my life back together and move on as best I can without him. Alcoholics can't/won't change unless they want sobriety and recovery more than booze. That's the bottom line.
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