Amy27

Found this article and thought I would pass it along

Patterns and Characteristics© of Codependence
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favours on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

Copyright © 2010 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors -All Rights Reserved

Pelican

Thanks for posting this Amy!

I think some of the denial patterns can be seen in most members that live with alcoholism in the home. I see myself in those patterns and have had those same patterns for many, many years.

The Low Self Esteem, I perfected that. I could walk on eggshells everyday and wonder if I was the one putting them on the floor. (In reality, my low self-esteem/denial were putting eggshells on the floor of my one precious life)

The Compliance Patterns were evident in my career. I was an expert at customer service as I was always anticipating others needs, going beyond my physical abilities to do everything for everyone before they asked.

After years of denial, low self esteem and compliance I perfected the Control Patterns. Ugh! I shudder when I remember how angry and controlling I became as my codependency progressed and the alcoholism in my life progressed. This was the point when I realized I had become someone I did not know or like.

I believe I developed these patterns at a very young age. I see these patterns in my behavior of each long term relationship I experienced. Now that I am aware of these patterns I can accept that they are unhealthy and work towards making changes for my well-being and my serenity.

My codependency patterns are something I continue to address.

lillamy

Thanks for posting this, Amy.

I went through the statements and while the control behaviors aren't, and haven't really ever been something I can strongly identify with, most of the rest of that sure is.

And what was eye-opening to me was that I feel like I'm doing really well, that my recovery has made me... almost normal.

And then I see things like:
and realize that this is what I was talking to my SO about last night -- about how just the thought of having made a mistake, maybe, possibly, gives me anxiety attacks.

And I see things like:
and realize that my counseling homework this week is to stop and a) feel, and if I can stick with that, b) try to put a name on what I'm feeling.

And I laugh sheepishly over my coffee here because I seem to be making this post every few months:

Every time I feel like I'm almost there, HP gives me a nudge that says, "you still have a ways to go up Recovery Road, babe".

Thank you for being that nudge this morning. It's not discouraging to me to know that I still have a ways to go; it's encouraging that I still have much to learn and that my life can still get so much better.

Spes

Thank you Amy. Your post just put my working of my recovery steps in a new light.

Like lillamy says: Thank you for being that nudge this morning. It's not discouraging to me to know that I still have a ways to go; it's encouraging that I still have much to learn and that my life can still get so much better.

NikNox

Wow, what an interesting post. I can identify all of the denial patterns, low self esteem patterns and compliance patterns in my stepdaughter!! And she's only 13!! Thankfully, she is coming out of a lot of it now, but we've had to work very hard to achieve things, even the littlest things. We used to find it so odd that as a child, she was so compliant it was abnormal. She would never say boo to a goose, would never put a foot wrong, would never argue or answer back. She would never, ever ask for anything, even sweets. At Christmas and birthdays she would say 'I don't want anything, honestly I don't want anything', and if we asked her to write down a few things she wanted she would not write anything. If she did falter, as she did once when we were in the supermarket and she saw a box of cereals with a toy in it, she said 'ooh, that looks cool', so we asked her if she wanted it. She said 'oh no, not for myself, but if you bought the cereal I could take the toy home for my brother'.

This Christmas she had been living with us 6 months, and we asked her to write a Christmas list a couple of weeks beforehand. She produced a list with 15 items on it, which was actually way over budget, but we were thrilled, absolutely thrilled that finally she was showing signs of being a normal teenager

LifesALongSong

Thanks for posting this !

I started going down this codie list and I'am thinking "wow, I may not be a codie after all" ! Then I got to the Control Patterns section. Yep, a few of those statements jumped up and hit me in the face ! What a eye opener that is. I need work on myself.

NYCDoglvr

Thank you very, very much for posting this. It was a huge awakening to understand there's a big difference between need and love.

It's been an ongoing process to avoid offering unsolicited advice. Sometimes I have to hold my breath because I want to tell others what to do. In essence this is a very rude thing to do to someone else. If they want our advice they'll ask for it.