ODAT63

Almost a week since I relapse and the craziness is still taking me downspiral? WTF!!
I emailed his GF regarless all the advise I got here and from my sponsor, I continue to check on my AXH regardless the fact that I know I don't want to go back with him or love him, is like a game, he reset the password and I reset it back again!!
His GF does not responded nor she care, I am sure now she really thinks he was right and I am crazy!!
I think this most be like what the alcoholic feels after the first drink..hard to stop until you are done with it!!
I do feel this relapse helps me understand how far I am on my recovery.
Thank you for all the post today, I totally get the NC FOREVER!!, I do feel that it will be terrible to start the madness all over, I hope this "binge" is over for me and to get back on my program.
I will have to see what the consequences are going to be. My BF told me I should send the AXH an apology, I say no way..any suggestions?

ODAT63

I know Anvilhead! I tell him that almost everyday, I said to him last Friday after the relapse that I TOTALLY understand if he walks away from me..his response was "Relationships are hard sometimes and I am not leaving you and I still want to marry you, I am worry that your X will do something to you and that is my biggest worry".

I did apologize to him (BF) and told him I feel I am not ready for a relationship, he said we had been in a relationship for 18 months now , not to be silly...

angrywife

That sounds like something we codies would say to our A.

Seren

The craziness will stop when you stop it, ODAT

dollydo

You do understand that your behavior is not rational and borders on being stalking, if I were his girlfriend I'd think you were crazy too. Leave them all alone, stop playing childish games with his password, let go.

Tuffgirl

Do what the A's do - play mind games with yourself. Treat this drama-addiction as what it is - an addiction. Look for ways to distract yourself. The cravings come in waves. If you can ride out the wave, you'll be fine until the next one. Then do it again. And again. Until one day you realize it no longer matters to you anymore.

LaTeeDa

It sounds to me like you do not want to take responsibility for your own behavior or your own life.

You're asking when it stops? When you stop it. You say you're not ready for a relationship? Then why are you in one? You control you.

L

ODAT63

I am fighting this really hard, he changed the password and I am not going to get in it, but I am taking it one minute at a time.
I know is childish and I want to stop, I am trying to control the cravings and my crazy thinking.
now that I am aware, I am accepting it so my action is to stay busy and stop.
Yes, I do think my BF is a codie, he says he is not that is normal for people to be concern about the ones they love "love thy neighbor" stuff.
The craving is less strong right now, it is amazing how this s**t came out of nowhere!!
Thank you all for your support.
I just want to mention that I share in this forum my struggles "my disease" but that is not who I am on a daily bases.
I am a caring person, I do not yell or mistreat my BF, I am honest and try my best to communicate my feelings without being hurtful, I do allow him the dignity to make his own choices and live his own life, he is doing the same for me, we do support each other and have a great time together.
However; I do agree that I jumped into a relationship way to soon.

LaTeeDa

Do you have a personal therapist? I have to say that is the one thing that helped me the most in getting to the bottom of my behavior. It doesn't really come out of nowhere, it comes from somewhere, but often we need the help of a professional to discover where.

L

ODAT63

Yes, I do, she is also familiar with Al-anon, we have done lots of REM therapy. I have some stress lately and I think that triggered my binge.
I had email her to set up another session.
Thank you LaTeeDa.

SoaringSpirits

The craziness is a 2-way game. As long as you are playing the game, it will go on.

By breaking contact with him, you will stop your end of the craziness.