yez5

Good Morning Everyone. I haven't posted in a bit and have just been roaming the site and absorbing. I was preparing myself for the meeting I had yesterday with my AH and his doctor/therapist team he working with. My plan, suggested by my therapist, was to write a letter titled "Price Tag" and in it I was to be absolutely honest with myself and my AH about what I needed from him to ever be able to accept him in my life again. It took me a few days to complete, I was told not to stop writing till it felt right. On my way to the meeting yesterday I was beyond nervous. I was shaking, sweating, nauseous, anything you can think of I felt it. I found myself singing "The wheels on the bus" over and over. I had to stop take a breath and say to myself, he has NO power over me, I am doing nothing wrong. I said this over and over until I arrived. We all greeted each other cordially and the therapist set the stage. They assured me that this was a place to be heard and not to feel fear or pressure and that they would make sure MY points came across. At first I just wanted to bust out crying because they said something that was so important to me just then. That they would make sure I was heard. I took out my letter, took a breath, looked at my AH and for the first time in our relationship I was completely honest and open with him about my need, my feelings and my boundaries when it comes to him. I started and couldn't stop. For the most part he listened but when I said I did not want him back in the house now, that I needed to KNOW he was lean for a minimum of 6-12 months before I would even consider letting him back in my house he began to push. Those wonderful therapists told him, in their terms, to basically shut up and let me speak that these are things I need to express. I gave him my rules and told them they were non-negotiable and I gave them all copies of my letter. They made my AH stay quiet for long enough that he actually understood what I was saying for once. He couldn't talk over me, or tell me I was wrong or exaggerating. It was one of the scariest and most liberating moments of my life. Even thinking of it now brings tears to my eyes. I still can't believe I did it. When we were done he walked me to my car, and I knew what was coming. He told me he didn't know what he was going to do, that the hotel he was staying in was a terrible place filled with bad elements and that he is overwhelmed by everything I said. I know this part; we were alone so he was trying to make me feel guilty. I told him I am sorry he is having a hard time but he has to try and find a better place, that I can't talk anymore ad have to go back to work. He left and I drove away. Since then I am just sort of floating around with my emotions constantly changing but one, my utter sense of accomplishment. I was actually proud of myself, something I haven't felt in a very long time. I know this is just the beginning and I will have more bad time and good times mixed in this crazy soup before it’s over. I just wanted to share this accomplishment with you guys, however small it may be. Because being here, listening to you, getting advice and me occasionally trying to help another has helped to give me the strength to do what I did. I will forever be grateful to all of you all. My other family of Lovely Brilliant Lunatics!

Windmills

That sounds AMAZING! Good job, I'm so pleased for you. I'm so glad it went well and they managed to make him keep his mouth shut and listen.
Well done on staying firm when you were at the car too, that must have been hard but you did the right thing .
You are getting soo strong!

Kindeyes

That was not a small accomplishment. It was a huge step forward! Addicts are so very good at talking over someone else. I'm so glad that you had a safe environment to say what you needed to say. I'm so glad that it has given you strength.

Keep taking care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

EnglishGarden

That took tremendous resolve and courage, Yez. You were alone and you went in there and you spoke your truth from your deepest self and you drew a line in the sand protecting you and your two little children from the disease that can destroy everything.

So continue to get support, Yez, because he still operates with the addict mind and will want to assume power and control again. So stick with all your support, do not isolate. If you are in active strong recovery with support, you will save yourself and your babies.

GoldfishSyn

Thanks for sharing yez! I'm glad you were able to tell him how you feel instead of focusing on how he feels. I am working on tightening and enforcing my boundaries right now, and this post was very helpful. Way to go for standing your ground and not getting sucked into feeling guilty!

LoveMeNow

Great Job! I bet it felt so good to say everything you needed and wanted to say.....probably for years.

I don't know how to quit say this - so please understand I am speaking from my own experience and I only want to share as a possible warning.

I did something similar a few weeks ago. I was strong, honest and confident. I meant what I said and it felt good. He was quiet, he listened and even became emotional at times.

Then, the next week, I went into complete emotional relapse. I still have not figure out why. I haven't been going to many meetings, or doing a lot of self care except with meeting with my therapist and I even canceled an appointment.

I still will not allow him to come home but I have been riding the roller coaster. I have made myself sick, more depressed and crazy by doing this.

Please be careful. I am not trying to scare you! Maybe someone can explain it to me. But for me, it seems, releasing all those emotions gave me a renewed energy and sadly, I used it in an unhealthy way.


P.S. After writing this and before I hit post...I got call. It was a great call and conversation. I am not giving myself any options but to attend meetings. I have to go. Period! Also, my mind was starting to weaken and was "thinking" about letting my husband come home. I just called him and told him NO, we can discuss again in 30 days. He agreed (shock) that we both need more recovery time and trying to repair our marriage before working on ourselves would be disastrous.

cangel2

What a Huge and courageous moment for you!! Being actually heard is so powerful isn't it. Good for you!!

yez5

Thank you all so much for you words of wisdom and praise!! ((LoveMeNot)) I totally understand what you are saying and take it as the kind advice it is. I actually had a crazy moment late at night on the same day of the meeting. I think I had what you would call a mini breakdown. All I wanted to do was take it all back and say sorry. I walked around my house in circles for a good 15 to20 minutes going a little nuts. And then I sort of mentally slapped myself upside the head and used all my nervous energy on doing things I like to do. I worked out, dyed my hair, watched Blazing Saddles and maybe got 2 hours sleep that night. But it calmed me and showed me that I am okay and I can do things on my own. That I didn't die from saying the truth and the world did not come to an end. I am no doctor but what do I think happened? I have been in a state of constant fear and restraint, for lack of a better word, for so many years that letting go so suddenly kind of put my metal system into shock. It is allot of work lying all the time, keeping secrets, keeping the peace, not rocking the boat. It’s freaking exhausting. Who wouldn't lose it a bit after letting go to something so big for so long whether it is god or bad? Anyway that is my personal take on it and it helps me get through the day and not act like too much of a nut job during the day. Got to keep my day job you know!