It' time for me to move on
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
It' time for me to move on
My AW has been drinking a lot lately & not just her normal "a lot". I have been catching her in a lot of lies. I'm sure it's hard to keep all the lies straight when your incoherent. I had lost all trust in her & was becoming suspicious of something but wasn't sure what. I discovered she is cheating on me. This is it. I can't get my thoughts past this one. There is no more rationalizing my emotions after this one! The alcoholism, the lying & now cheating? This is no good for me. I want off this ride. I don't see how this could ever work.
I know this isn't the woman I married. It is so sad to see what this horrible disease has done to her. 17 years ago when I met her she was sweet, loving & full of life. Now she is a lying, manipulative, alcoholic slug who can't plan any activity unless she & everyone else is drinking! I can't take it any more I need to do whats good for me. I'm going to think this completely through but I see no other option but divorce. I doubt she will seek treatment & I think it's past that point of that making a difference anyway. Besides it would most likely be for the wrong reason anyway, she'd do it to keep me not to do it for herself. We have no kids & the only assets we have are debts. The house was just refinanced for the value of the house so there's not anything to split really. I know we both still care for each other. There hasn't really been any love for a long time, we've been more like roommates or business partners in a marriage. I believe she will go along with a no fault divorce. I don't think (hope) it will get too ugly.
She is away on vacation for week so I have some time to think on this in peace. She doesn't know this is my plan or that I know about her cheating. She knows I'm upset about something. I think she thinks I'm upset about the the last time she got completely blotto. Too bad she doesn't realize that I stopped getting mad at that a long time ago! Thank you 3C's! I'm using many tools from alanon & it is keeping me sane. At times focused & I even have moments of serenity!
Any experiences anyone would like to share on how to approach her or how to begin with a divorce would be appreciated & valued! Thank you all for being here! It means so much to so many!
OhBoy
I know this isn't the woman I married. It is so sad to see what this horrible disease has done to her. 17 years ago when I met her she was sweet, loving & full of life. Now she is a lying, manipulative, alcoholic slug who can't plan any activity unless she & everyone else is drinking! I can't take it any more I need to do whats good for me. I'm going to think this completely through but I see no other option but divorce. I doubt she will seek treatment & I think it's past that point of that making a difference anyway. Besides it would most likely be for the wrong reason anyway, she'd do it to keep me not to do it for herself. We have no kids & the only assets we have are debts. The house was just refinanced for the value of the house so there's not anything to split really. I know we both still care for each other. There hasn't really been any love for a long time, we've been more like roommates or business partners in a marriage. I believe she will go along with a no fault divorce. I don't think (hope) it will get too ugly.
She is away on vacation for week so I have some time to think on this in peace. She doesn't know this is my plan or that I know about her cheating. She knows I'm upset about something. I think she thinks I'm upset about the the last time she got completely blotto. Too bad she doesn't realize that I stopped getting mad at that a long time ago! Thank you 3C's! I'm using many tools from alanon & it is keeping me sane. At times focused & I even have moments of serenity!
Any experiences anyone would like to share on how to approach her or how to begin with a divorce would be appreciated & valued! Thank you all for being here! It means so much to so many!
OhBoy
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm sorry to read what you have been going through. I am glad that you are looking at how you can take better care of yourself and not spending energy on trying to fix her. That is your recovery showing, and it looks good on you!
I shared a house, vehicles, loads of debt, and a child with my AXH. I was also a SAHM (stay-at-home) mom for 12 of our 14 years of marriage. I wasn't sure how to seperate or divorce with the home and debt.
One night after an Alanon meeting, I came home and asked my AH if he would turn down the TV so I could talk. I calmly told him that I planned to leave the marriage. He offered to get sober if I would reconsider. I had enough recovery in me to know that sobriety was not the only factor. I told him that I previously thought sobriety was all I wanted, but had grown to understand that I wanted solid recovery that included changed behaviors. He got snarky and bullied me about what he was not giving me if I left. I did not react to his comments.
I consulted with 2 attorneys. The first was through my EAP (employee assistance program) and that was not a good consultation. I tried again with a local family law attorney and felt better about my options.
I did not discuss my legal plans or appointments with my husband. I had my consultation, gathered important documents, and then went back and started the paperwork process. My lawyer gave me options/ideas about how to handle the notification of divorce proceedings to my husband.
I recommend getting legal counseling as a first step. Find out what your rights are in your local community. Find out what papers are important and need to be secured for the legal process (tax reports, receipts, marriage license, etc.). I would even ask what is recommended for informing your spouse.
I shared a house, vehicles, loads of debt, and a child with my AXH. I was also a SAHM (stay-at-home) mom for 12 of our 14 years of marriage. I wasn't sure how to seperate or divorce with the home and debt.
One night after an Alanon meeting, I came home and asked my AH if he would turn down the TV so I could talk. I calmly told him that I planned to leave the marriage. He offered to get sober if I would reconsider. I had enough recovery in me to know that sobriety was not the only factor. I told him that I previously thought sobriety was all I wanted, but had grown to understand that I wanted solid recovery that included changed behaviors. He got snarky and bullied me about what he was not giving me if I left. I did not react to his comments.
I consulted with 2 attorneys. The first was through my EAP (employee assistance program) and that was not a good consultation. I tried again with a local family law attorney and felt better about my options.
I did not discuss my legal plans or appointments with my husband. I had my consultation, gathered important documents, and then went back and started the paperwork process. My lawyer gave me options/ideas about how to handle the notification of divorce proceedings to my husband.
I recommend getting legal counseling as a first step. Find out what your rights are in your local community. Find out what papers are important and need to be secured for the legal process (tax reports, receipts, marriage license, etc.). I would even ask what is recommended for informing your spouse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Oh Boy,
I second Pelican's great advice but want to add that many states including NY have changed laws and now include the option of collaberative divorces which are designed to limit hostility and promote an amicable divorce. With no assets it is possible to even do a do it yourself uncontested divorce.
Many attorneys offer a free consultation and you can google your area or call around to see who offers this to first time clients. Many attorneys work closely with mental health professionals as well as addiction experts and finding the right attorney will make a huge difference in how much easier this process will be for you.
A divorce is the ultimate line in the sand and a declaration of independence that we will no longer accept unacceptable behavior. Period.
I second Pelican's great advice but want to add that many states including NY have changed laws and now include the option of collaberative divorces which are designed to limit hostility and promote an amicable divorce. With no assets it is possible to even do a do it yourself uncontested divorce.
Many attorneys offer a free consultation and you can google your area or call around to see who offers this to first time clients. Many attorneys work closely with mental health professionals as well as addiction experts and finding the right attorney will make a huge difference in how much easier this process will be for you.
A divorce is the ultimate line in the sand and a declaration of independence that we will no longer accept unacceptable behavior. Period.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I'm really sorry that your AW cheated on you, but glad that you found out, both for your physical health and for your clarity about what's going on.
I tolerated a lot of abuse from my AX and may have continued tolerating more if I hadn't suddenly decided I couldn't take the drinking incidents anymore. But one thing I will never tolerate is cheating. And the mix of cheating AND addiction? I don't think most relationships could survive that.
You don't have to tell her that you know she cheated on you, or confront her about her addiction. It will likely stir up a lot of ugliness from her. If you want the easiest divorce possible, staying emotionally disengaged and saying as little as possible is the best route.
I wish you luck on the divorce proceedings, and I am glad that you realize that your AW is not the woman you knew years ago. As such, I hope you don't take her infidelity personally as a rejection of you. Addiction changes people so much and makes them do insane things that make no sense. Best of luck to you, and take good care of yourself.
I tolerated a lot of abuse from my AX and may have continued tolerating more if I hadn't suddenly decided I couldn't take the drinking incidents anymore. But one thing I will never tolerate is cheating. And the mix of cheating AND addiction? I don't think most relationships could survive that.
You don't have to tell her that you know she cheated on you, or confront her about her addiction. It will likely stir up a lot of ugliness from her. If you want the easiest divorce possible, staying emotionally disengaged and saying as little as possible is the best route.
I wish you luck on the divorce proceedings, and I am glad that you realize that your AW is not the woman you knew years ago. As such, I hope you don't take her infidelity personally as a rejection of you. Addiction changes people so much and makes them do insane things that make no sense. Best of luck to you, and take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I also hit my threshold when I found out about an affair in addition to the drinking.
They both made me feel nuts and the Three Cs were a lifesaver.
We were able to do an amicable divorce with no kids etc involved (though at times it still remain heated). The anger has hit me now some time out thought.
Take care of you.
They both made me feel nuts and the Three Cs were a lifesaver.
We were able to do an amicable divorce with no kids etc involved (though at times it still remain heated). The anger has hit me now some time out thought.
Take care of you.
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