ditched626

I feel like I was skipping along in a wonderful relationship with my AH. Well my new husband. We had a whirlwin romance, fell in love, he asked me to marry him 3 months into the relationship..I had enough sense to say yes lets get married BUT let's not put a date out there yet, when it seems like the right time then we will. We were married July 1, 2011. He left me February 17ish 2012. No real warning as to what the "real" reason was. The reasons went from too much arguing to him having regrets as to the pace of the relationship to his realization that he was a dry drunk and has not been working his program as he should. On top of that he didn't feel love anymore. He knew he did the day we got married but doesn't know what happened.

Not to get to into the weeds, we had talked about marriage counseling. He kept me hanging on by stating he hadn't "made his decision" about going. Then stated he would go. We went once then had individual sessions. During this time communicating with him on a daily basis "as friends" was taking its emotional toll on me. Per his instruction we were not allowed to talk about the relationship because it frustrated him. I asked where is alcoholism issues end our relationship problems begin. He stated he cannot pull them apart because that is what started him drinking in the first place. KIND OF A VITAL PIECE OF INFORMATION TO HAVE PRIOR TO 7MOS INTO A MARRIAGE. Never told me this or even hinted that he was struggling with it. I decided I needed to take a break from communicating so casually with him. It was hurting me and my emotions were not in check. Go into our second "together" session and he waits until three minutes before the end of the hour to say that he doesn't want to go through the counseling process. That the three weeks of not communicating solidified it for him.

His actions toward me are cold and he acts like he is mad at me. I did nothing wrong. It would be easier to understand all of this if I treated him poorly. I have supported him over the last two years and loved him like no other. We have both been married before and have kids from those marriages. He ditched me and left my kids behind and they are wondering where he went and why.

I was so angry about his announcement. When he said it I just got up and walked out. Haven't spoken to him since.

I engaged in al anon after he left and have gone lightspeed through books and alanon literature to gain awareness and understanding. He was not honest with me and I feel so duped by this guy. Like it was a game for him to see if he could "do a relationship" and decided he couldnt.

I am the one that feels ugly, broken and unlovable. I just needed to send this out into the void thanks to those who might read it.

sewmad

I totally know where you are at right now thats where I am, except we didnt get married in the end......as he walked out the door he said ;we aren't long term and I don't think I would ever marry you'.....nice thanks for that!
But 4 weeks later says he loves me and he doesnt know what he wants!

Alcohol is a poison for some relationships.....

ditched626

It's interesting because when we first started dating he always commented on how "real" I was. He said that he found that many people sent in "the representative". Well, um, isn't that what he did to me? I knew he was a RA when we started dating. There was no indication that he didn't have a handle on it. He went to meetings occasionally. He did not have a sponsor. I didn't get into educating myself until he left. I certainly should have sooner.
We had an argument the weekend prior to getting married. He mentioned postponing. The argument had to do with the kids and I stated that these kind of situations were going to come up and we would need to deal with it better. He now says that I talked him into not postponing. Hmmm. We both slept on it for a few days. I asked what he thought. He said he thought yes lets do it. Now, i talked him into it.

Says while he loved me the day we got married (9mos ago) it didnt sit right with him. Says he ran out of things to blame his feelings on...so of course, it landed on the relationship.

He has said that he had resents toward me but he has worked them out and that he doesn't hate me, doesn't dislike me and doesn't wish any ill will on me. Thanks....shwooooo....and I was worried that you disliked me.

He has plenty of his stuff still floating around the house, he is on my company's health insurance and I fully expect him to take care of the divorce. There is a year waiting period on that.

in the meantime, I am mourning the loss of what I thought was going to be for the rest of our lives. Pulling myself off the floor.

I appreciate your ear...I do hope that you find clarity in your situation. Acceptable actions, loving detachment and the person actively participating in their recovery are the elements that I have been told are paramount. If those qualities are not their it all is a futile effort and will repeat and repeat and repeat, etc....

NewbieJ

I am so sorry for you to be going through this. The struggle with a loved one's alcoholism is very very new to me, and I am not by any means an expert, but it seems to me from what I have heard that feeling that the A is mad at you, and noticing they are acting cold even though you did nothing wrong and treated them well, is a common experience.

From what I have heard it has to do with the A hating themselves so much. This is difficult for me, and I think other spouses, to accept, because it just seems so out of nowhere, so undeserved. It's progressive and in the end, by the time we see it, it doesn't make sense.

Hang in there and keep venting...

akalacha

(((ditched))) I didn't marry my A, but I did move to another country and buy property here with him. I remember him telling me before the big move ¨I am totally committed to this, I'll be there with you, I'm in this for the long run.¨ I like to believe he meant it at the time. But that was before he became a full-on alcoholic. Now most days we don't even talk. He is no help, support, companion, or anything else that I thought he would be as a partner. I understand when you say ¨I am the one that feels ugly, broken and unlovable. ¨ I felt that way too for a long time. But you know what? It's taken a while, but with the help of Alanon and SR and other resources I finally began to realize that I'm NOT ugly, I'm NOT unlovable. And yes, I was broken for awhile due to the craziness of loving/living with an alcoholic. But I CAN fix that part of myself and that is what I've been doing. It takes time, but it can be done. Please don't let HIS craziness make you doubt or think less of yourself. Alanon can be a big help, so can this forum. Please keep coming back, reading other posts, sharing your journey. We understand, and we care. You are not alone.

Tuffgirl

Ditched626, welcome to SR. Reading your posts is so familiar its spooky. You could be writing my story, all the way down to the twisted versions of history. I, too, "pushed" my husband into marriage. Funny, huh? In a sad, sad way...

So now I sit with the broken pieces of five years of my life, slowly putting them back together in a version that works better for me. And screw the idea that you did something wrong or are unlovable. We just made decisions based on the best information we had at the time.

And P.S. take what he says as projections of his own crap. Because it is. Alcoholics are masters of projecting their crap all over whoever is closest.

Keep coming back!
~T

lillamy

I know I have my BS flag around here somewhere...
Alcoholics always find a reason to drink: Because you don't want to have sex enough, because you pressure them for too much sex, because you work too much, because you don't work enough, because they got a promotion, because their boss was being nasty, because it's sunny, because it's raining. Alcoholics drink because it's what they do. A person can drive herself crazy trying to be "better" so he won't "have to" drink. Trust me, I tried. For 20 years.

Your story is sort of mine, too. Married too quickly, before I knew who he was. He even told me after we had been married for a while that he hid his drinking and lied about his mental illness because if he hadn't, I would never have married him. Dang straight I wouldn't have.

But you have already taken steps to repair that. And you're not. And you came to the right place. There's no void here. But lots of hugs.

ODAT63

Alcohol is poison for ANY relationship!!

changeschoices

I'm so sorry. You must feel truly betrayed that this is happening with someone you married. I've been through it, tho I got out before we got married. Eight months ago, my AX was down on his knees with a diamond ring, asking him to marry him and telling me he would never hurt me again (he'd hurt me previously due to his drinking, DUIs, rehab twice, etc.).

Well, here I am, eight months later. I asked him to move out a month ago after one drunken episode too many. All communication between us has broken down, and I am the recipient of a truckload of blame (somehow I forced him into loving me, living with me, and proposing to me?). I have an email dated just over a month ago from him saying that he knows his drinking was the cause of all the problems in our relationship, but today he tells me he's not an alcoholic at all and he doesn't want to be with me because it was "too stressful".

I have a poofy white wedding dress hanging in my closet and a beautiful diamond ring in a box in my sock drawer.

chronsweet

oooo my, alcholics (or any addict) are masters of the blame game.

I am surprised I don't get blamed for breathing. HA!

((HUGS))

ditched626

Anvilhead-- It was a year and a half. Both had been married before and had other relationships. He did not tell me until after he left three months ago that he wasnt capable of being in relationship. Said he didn't want to hurt me.