MrsA

My husband's asleep! After we decided he'd stay at his mum's for a while and get into recovery he just dozed off. How is he allowed to sleep when I'm not? I'll be up all night crying.

I just prodded him (I know, I should just leave him to sleep) and said I'll really miss him and it was really sad that it had to come to him leaving and just said murr and went back to sleep.

I really love him but I know he has to go and get himself sorted, I can't have him stealing and lying when I've got a baby to look after. He was going on about can he take the playstation with him to his mum's, like that even matters - we're talking about not seeing his baby, I'd be stressed not seeing her even for an hour let alone a month or more.

Is it because he doesn't love me as much as I love him, did he really only stay with me all this time because I was enabling him?

MrsA

I keep thinking stuff like, is it my fault, because before I had my baby I used to work later than him so he'd do his drinking in the time before I got home, now I'm home all the time he changed to doing it at work so would he still have his job if I had allowed him to drink at home? Does that mean it's my fault? xx

Seren

Hi MrsA, I'm sorry for what happened today. Please know that NONE of this is your fault. You did not make him drink at work....he has a serious problem and has to deal with it himself. There is nothing you can do to help him. But there is plenty you can do to help you!

I'm sorry you are having a bad night and hope that you will be able to get some sleep. Try not to awfulize the situation or to blame yourself. Tomorrow you can continue to take steps to secure your finances and to take care of yourself and your baby.

XXXXXXXXXX

None of this is your fault. Sleeping is his reality escape at the moment. He doesn't have to deal with you or the baby.

I hope that he does go to his moms and give you some peace and time for you to pull things together, but don't count on it. Figure out a plan for yourself.

You didn't cause this, and you can't cure or control.

Wishing you peace, as I do know what this feels like. The whole day that I packed to leave, my ex slept.

dollydo

I agree with Anvil, he just passed out...as for it being your fault...NO WAY!

wicked

This is no more your fault than it is your beautiful baby's fault.
He is not sleeping, he is passed out cause he is drunk.
He is fine the way he is, take care of you and the baby.
That is all. You and the baby.
Try rocking the baby and say something positive to yourself over and over.
It will be fine baby, I will be fine baby, You will be fine baby.
Relax, think good thoughts and rock.

Beth

MrsA

Thank you, I know it's not my fault really, it's nice to hear it from you, it makes me believe it more.
I keep worrying social services will get involved and take our baby from me, that isn't going to happen, is it? Like, if he gets arrested or gets admitted to hospital will they come round and take my baby away? xx

dollydo

If she is your priorty you will do what is best for her, as long as you stay with him there will be a risk that a government agency can step in.

Impurrfect

Social Services will not take your baby away IF you are putting you and her first. Let him go to his mom's. Take care of you and the baby.

My niece lives with my dad/stepmom because her mama died when she was only a year old (car wreck) but her dad was an A. We had to do what the court ordered (let her dad have visitation) but it became evident that he, and his parents, were not good for her. They lost all visitation.

It was hard...letting her go to them, but it worked out in the long run. Her dad kept breaking the rules, she had a guardian ad litem, lawyer, social worker by the time she was 3. They saw him for what he was.

I strongly suggest you get away from him. Take care of you and your baby...let him sleep at his mom's. He is nowhere near realizing how bad off he is (and I say that as both a recovering addict and a loved one of addicts), so let him deal with the consequences.

Put you and your baby's well-being first. He's going to do what he's going to do.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MrsA

I got a few hours sleep. I can be strong for her, Friday AH goes to live with his mom, my mom and dad have said they will give me a place to stay, they will stay with me, they will give me the support I need. I'm lucky to have my family, I'll keep posting, please keep supporting me and reassuing me xx

Impurrfect

You are doing the right thing. I'm glad you have a supportive family. Getting some distance from him will be hard, at first, but you will soon relish not having to deal with him on a daily basis.

I know this is hard, but we are here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

djayr

You are doing awesome, try to count your blessings and go one day at a time.

Amy27

It sounds like you a very stressed out! I hope today is a better day for you and for him.

What I noticed first about your message is ALLOWED. You are really not allowed to allow him anything. He is an adult and can make his own decisions. Whether they be good ones or bad ones. It is a human right to be able to do this. You would not want to ask anybody for permission when making your own decisions, so don't except it back, especially from an alcoholic.

ALLOWING = WANT FOR CONTROL : We don't have the right to control any other human being just as we have the right not to be controlled. Research codependancy.

They kinda do their own thing. SO to safe yourself some heartache, lower your expectations (probably down to zero) and when something good happens you will be twice as suprised.


Enjoy your day and good luck!

fedup3

Be strong, lean on your parents for now for support, take care of your baby and put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward and soon this will be behind you. You can do it! I'm praying for you.

SoaringSpirits

He's "sleeping" because he's drinking. Alcohol is a sedative.

Can you get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? In particular read the chapter titled "Detachment." It will help you.

Good on you for being a responsible mother and doing what it takes to raise your baby without this craziness. I'm really happy that your parents are being so supportive, too. That makes all the difference in the world.

NYCDoglvr

This is a very though thing to go through and my heart goes out to you. It helps to understand you're taking these actions in an effort to save yourself. Of course you deserve a man who doesn't just fall asleep drunk when important things are said. There isn't anything you can do or say that will affect your husband; your power lies in the actions you take for yourself.

Kateausten83

My husband was in rehab for 2 weeks and it was unsuccessful for him...however I attended a family day that included some classes for family members. The one thing that will stick with me for the rest of my life is when one of the counselors (a recovering addict himself) said there is nothing you have ever said or done that has made him drink, and there's nothing you can say or do that will stop him from drinking. Its sad...I always think about how the idea of losing him or my son would be enough to stop me from doing anything. But now my husband is facing that reality and its not enough. So, I know how you are feeling. The best thing you can do is care for yourself so you can effectively care for your little blessing. I hope you get some peace while he's gone.