MycoolFitz

Got a clear the premises notice today after a rent check bounced because I accidently used an old check. Never missed a payment in 3 years. Went to talk to the landlady and she says are you ok. Earth talk for sober. Tried to give her the right check says the owner won't take my check. I said let me talk to the owner and did but felt like a 2nd class person. I mean I have a disease, I screwed up, am I less a man? Oh he took the check after I sounded sober on the phone but dang sometimes it is hard being good. Oh I am kind of really down but when there is down there is up. I kind of cried in the office which made the landlady cry and then I felt bad about her feeling bad then the old custodian came in and we all had like a heart holding. Now I'm just tired. I'm trying my best but maybe it is not just about amends but redemption and that being self-acceptance. I am my worst critic but I will do a meditation on that (Probably mess it up :-) Love to all

Dee74

I think it's important to keep a sense of perspective Fitz...

you made a mistake - which everyone does sometimes, alcoholic or not...but everything turned out ok...

and I wasn't there...but maybe sometimes 'are you ok' just means are you ok?

D

Impurrfect

(((Fitz))) - I'm trying to get a job with a LOT of bad references in my old career, thanks to addiction. I have days when I think I will never overcome my past. I have days when I am grateful for recovery, realize that I've been through a TON of bad stuff, but didn't use.

I don't know the answer. I have bills that aren't being paid because I don't make enough money in my current job. I also have a "near perfect record" of paying those bills...thanks to recovery.

We do the best we can. As someone told me, nearly EVERYONE has a past...A or not. I simply focus on not going back to the A life, as that's what got me in this position in the first place. I also hang around here, a lot. I've heard of people with way worst pasts than mine, and they have good jobs and are doing well. It gives me hope, it gives me something to hold onto when I want to drown myself in "OMG, I have TOTALLY screwed up my life!!!!!"

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Wayne444

I understand how you are feeling. I have felt like a 2nd class person before and have been overcome with sadness because I have led myself to it with drinking. I'm not sure if that is what others thought or if I was thinking they thought that because of my own thoughts about myself. Either way, I figure I'm better off not thinking about it now and just moving forward and doing positive things that will hopefully overtake the negative residue I have left with some others.

I read something a while ago that has helped me a bit regarding being my own own worst critic which I am, like you. I'll share in case it helps. It was something like "Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Be gentle with yourself." This was in the background of my mind during one of my frequent daily emotional self-battery sessions a few weeks ago. I was making coffee and thinking about the absurdity of clobbering myself during this simple peaceful act, and I suddenly thought about that advice and got pretty choked up standing there. I was thinking "why are you this hard on yourself? Why so cruel to yourself? Don't you deserve to treat yourself at least as well as you treat others?" I wouldn't treat anyone as sadistically as I was treating myself.

I have been a bit kinder to myself. I have a ways to go with self acceptance, but I think a few months of sobriety has enabled me to hear my own voice come through.

I wish for you the self-acceptance I am aiming for.