EmmyG

I've been reading and re-reading everyone's advice and trying to use my head and not my heart. This is the tricky part because AH has the alcohol out of his system and is acting like himself again. When he's not drinking, like a lot of alcoholics, he is a nice person and is good to me. The thing that's hard is in the last two years, he's binged twice. For the first couple of years of our marriage, it was every 3-4 months. So he's made some progress. His friend coming to visit was like an excuse to put himself in drinking situations, which he has been avoiding for the last year. He says he is going to a Smart Recovery meeting tonight.

Has anyone dealt with someone who goes this long between these episodes? It's almost harder for me to understand. Is the monster he acts like when he is in one of his binges who he really is? The sober AH is a different person who is a loving dad and sweet, encouraging husband. I'm so confused. I'm not going home. I'm just having a hard time throwing in the towel officially. And I'm trying to understand who he really is. Part of me feels like the fact he's been able to go so long between means he should be able to get help. I don't want to be stupid though. I just don't understand how he can act like that and be normal the rest of the time.

Seren

Hi Emmy!

I don't really know what to tell you except whether you stay or go is your decision. I know you miss your home. Would it be possible for him to move out and you to move in while you try to decide what is best for you and the children?

It is possible for alcoholics to work a good and strong recovery program and for their marriages to remain intact....but only if both parties work toward their own recovery.

Try to remember that not all decisions have to be made right now...this moment. You are allowed to take your time, think about what you want to do without anyone else's voice in your head, not your husband's, not your parents', not your friends', and not ours either. You get to make the decision that is best for you. We can only tell you what we have been through and what worked for us.

Huge hugs, HG

Pelican

These words (your AH) are from less than 48 hours ago:

Is this him acting like himself?

These words are the words of a monster.

LifeRecovery

I had to stop making it about him and make it about me.

The drinking only happened every once in awhile but when the binge happened it was big.

I on the other hand was a mess ALL the time. Trying to control the next binge and keeping it from happening, trying to keep him from having any emotions, seeing certain friends etc that might set him up.

I have learned on here that functional alcoholism is just a stage, and without treatment does not truly get better. Sure he is having less drinking episodes, but it does not sound like he sober is treating you any better (that is similar to what happened to me).

Just recently my counselor reminded me when I get into a stressful situation, I need to ask myself "What do I need to do right now to take care of myself." This is a way to not feel judgemental but to keep the focus on me (and kids as in your case).

This is really hard stuff you are experiencing. Confusion is part of it. Keep working on it, and turn some of that gentleness that you want to give to him on you.

suki44883

This "man" has physically abused you in addition to the years of emotional abuse. Physical abuse and alcoholism are two entirely separate things. Many, MANY alcoholics never hit their significant others. Even if he quit drinking and never drank another drop, this would be a deal breaker for me. If someone hits me one time, they will never have the opportunity to do it again. I deserve better and so do you.

Florence

Perhaps he is just as you describe him. But I also think, based on some of your history, that it might be useful to consider this cycle another way. Could it be that you're just in a calm phase of the cycle?

wow04

I have went through and read your threads. Honey, you need to get out of this abusive relationship. He is abusing you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Seek counseling. Think of you and your babies. I am praying for you!

akrasia

Even when he's not drinking, as you've described, he abuses you.

I definitely appreciate the head-vs-heart thing. The cure for that is to go no-contact. Block his texts, no emails, no phone calls except for brief logistical ones about the kids (make sure someone else is in the room with you when you're on the phone with him). This will of course be easier with a restraining order.

Give yourself six months of no-contact. Then see how you feel.

In the meantime, I hope you've contacted the DV services.

XXXXXXXXXX

Mine went for much longer periods withough binges at one point. As the time between binges got shorter and shorter, my life became about trying to enjoy what little peace there was between them.

There were good times. But as it went on, the time between got so much shorter, and it got to where I couldn't even enjoy the time between because I knew the next disaster was on the way.

And it was like I was always building sandcastles. We would work on building our relationship, so much hard work and it was beautiful, and then the tide would come in and wash it all away.

Take care of yourself and your babies

Seren

I think this bears repeating, Emmy

I know that your head must be spnning right now, but it might be easier for you to see the overall picture of your relationship with this man if you give yourself the time and space you need.

Abuse should never be acceptable regardless of whether or not someone is drinking. I realize that you may have a hard time even putting that label to what you have experienced, but looking in from the outside, you have been abused by this man. You and your precious children deserve so much better treatment!

akrasia

Sorry for re-post but I've just seen that you've posted a lot today.

GOOD FOR YOU!

You are obviously really doubting his BS if you're bringing it here, writing it out for everyone to see, and getting verification of what your own good sense is telling you.

Being abused messes with your mind, big time. It makes you doubt yourself. Seriously, it's a medical fact.

A weaker woman than you would just take his BS at face value, go, "Oh, but he occasionally acts nice," stop posting here, and jump back in.

But you're saying, "Wait, I am not the crazy one here! This is crap!"

WAY TO GO!

Stay strong, my good woman. He's going to pull out all the stops now. But once you've seen the manipulative garbage for what it is there's no going back.

In the meantime, keep posting here! I'll give you a pep-talk anytime you like.

Windmills

Abusive men aren't abusive because they drink/drug. If you take away the substance abuser you still have an abusive man. He wont just 'fix' that one day, it takes years and they have to really WANT it, just like recovering addicts do.
Personally I had to learn to reconcile the two sides f him- the 'nice' guy and the abuser. I found once I looked at it properly, there was no nice guy. It was a role he played, a different hat he put on when he thought that was the best way to achieve his f'd up goals. The goals were power and control. That is consistent with ALL abusers. I realised that the light and dark were both HIM, there wasn't some things I could say 'well.. that wasn't REALLY HIM'.. if you see what I mean? I personally feel that my ex acted nice but it got too hard and he couldnt keep it up anymore. He is a very sick man and needs a lot of help, but myself and our daughter wont be living in fear of him while we wait for that day, if it ever arrives. There is no way you can say 'he's back to being himself' as the nasty, abusive part is still him. He's showing you who he really is.

EmmyG

He called me on his way back from his business trip today. He said he understands why I don't want to be home and that as much as he misses the kids, this is for the best. He said if I will go meet with the psychologist with him
(she specializes in addiction but is also a marriage and family therapist), he will follow whatever advice she has, even if it means us just being friends while he works on himself. He thinks that any professional would recommend we live apart right now, and if we tried to live together, everything would just go right back to the way it is.

I know it's just talk at this point. My question is, is it still best to go NC? He's not making any kind of threats or bothering me. He only does that when he's drinking, so I'm not in any kind of fear. I am just wondering if seeing the psychologist is a completely bad idea. He told me to be honest with her and tell her everything. Do you guys think his is just a manipulation?

akrasia

He called me on his way back from his business trip today. He said he understands why I don't want to be home and that as much as he misses the kids, this is for the best.

Why, how magnanimous of him. Except you don't need his permission.

He said if I will go meet with the psychologist with him
...he will follow whatever advice she has.

So according to him, if you do exactly as he says, things MIGHT get better for you. Hear the implied threat in that?

I know it's just talk...

Yup.

My question is, is it still best to go NC?

Yup.

He's not making any kind of threats or bothering me.

Wasn't he making threats just yesterday? And creepily insisting that YOU must go to a psychologist that HE's chosen? That's bothersome.

I am just wondering if seeing the psychologist is a completely bad idea.

If you wanted to see A psychologist OF YOUR CHOOSING ON YOUR OWN, sure, why not? But not something that an abuser is orchestrating.

In any case, any psychologist worth her salt will sniff out the weird controlly vibes and refuse to play along with his creepy plan.

He told me to be honest with her and tell her everything.

Yes, I bet he's dreaming that you'll give a long confession of all the things that are wrong with YOU, while he sits there monitoring. Yeah, that's not creepy.

Also, in any and all cases, dude doesn't get to tell you to do things.

Do you think this is more manipulation?

Yes.

dbh

Dear EmmyG:

My heart goes out to you and your children. I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. I found your previous postings truly frightening.

I hang out on this site because I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic. He and my mother divorced when I was 15 years old. Even before the divorce he wasn't around much. He drank mostly in bars. He wasn't always a "bad" drunk, but when he was it was awful. I actually think the unpredictability of his behavior was the most difficult thing to understand as a child.

Growing up in our dysfunctional home affected me and my siblings deeply. I've been working on my own recovery for the past 4+ years. My children are still young (they're 9 and 12). I'm trying to become a healthier mom so that I don't continue to pass my family's dysfunction down to them.

That's my background.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home and being involved in MANY dysfunctional relationship sort of warped my mind a bit. I grew up in a house where people were always telling me how to act and feel. My own emotions were often discounted. "You shouldn't feel sad/mad/scared!", "You have no idea how lucky you are!", etc. It sort of taught me not to trust my own instincts.

Often in 12-step groups, we are told to only share our Experience Strength and Hope (ESH). To refrain from giving advice because people in abusive relationships need to learn to listen to their own voice and trust their instincts again.

However, this is often hard to follow when you feel like someone (especially children) are in danger.

Wishing you the best as you determine what type of life YOU want for you and your children.

Please keep reading and posting. I've been amazed at how therapeutic sharing on forums like this can be.

Sending you strength,

db

lillamy

Amen. Been there. You know what it took for me? It took someone accidentally overhearing how AXH treated one of our children over the phone and saying to me, "You know that what he is doing is abuse? And that you don't have to put up with it?"

Up till that point, I was doubting my own perceptions. I was telling myself, "it isn't that bad" or "I have to be patient; he's had a rough life" or "it's just a cultural difference; in his family, yelling was accepted and I just need to learn to live with it."

That kind of treatment damages you. And when you get to the point where you second-guess your own instincts and experiences, it is very hard to see what's real and what's not. Especially when you have someone telling you what to believe.

I cringed reading your AH's note, because it was so familiar to me. And your other posts as well. The whole part about "you lied" -- I was also always blamed for any choices he made. It's pretty typical, because if he could blame me for the decisions and choices he made, he didn't really have to take responsibility for them.

Pelican

This is spot on adivice.

He previously stated that he would begin therapy immediately. That was two weeks ago.
Now he has made an appointment, but You have to be present, and You have to confess to His therapist everything. (So he can keep throwing your insecurities back in your face for the next five years??). Two weeks into His plan to seek immediate therapy and suddenly You are the one on the therapist's couch.

Say NO. (No is a complete sentence and needs no further explanation)

Then watch his actions.

EmmyG

Maybe I should have been more clear - he said for me to tell her everything about HIS behavior, not mine. We wouldn't be seeing the therapist for me, I haven't some anything wrong. It would be to get some counsel on how to handle things. I would be letting her know everything that's gone on. I don't feel pressured because we are both looking at living apart as the best thing for us and the kids. There's no convincing me otherwise. The therapist will without a doubt say we should stay apart. But to be honest, it's in all of our best interests for him to get help. He's still the father of my kids, and I'd like him to be healthy for them, married to me or not.

Pelican

I'm sorry about misunderstanding what you would be sharing with the therapist.

It is a possibility that if you attend his session and share what living with him was like - he may then decide he doesn't like/agree with the therapist's recommendations. He may refuse to see that therapist again and the process begins again.

We have a slogan in Alanon:

Be patient. More will be revealed.

dollydo

Last week he was leaving you threatening messages, and, all wound up because you "lied" to him 5 years ago, B/4 you were married. You were afraid for your well-being, now he is doing so well and being so nice, and you are mentally running in the revolving door, yet again.... where is your clarity in all this madness?

This guy is real good at what he does...manipulate you.