Spantoh

I have been in a relationship with my beautiful gf for 7 years. I am 30, she 27 next month.
We do not live together. Over past few years I noticed changes in her. I confronted her one morning and she broke down to me telling me she had been taking roxicet and that she'd also come clean to her family.

She did not want to go away. Parents had her on 24 hour lockdown basically at home. She was clean but not changing at all. Still very addict like daily behaviors. This led to numerous heated arguments between us. I had felt she had given up. I was thinking about our future. Children, moving in together, etc. I was astounded that she was sort of rolling over. She had to travel for a wedding and when she got back she told me she had relapsed. I broke down and told her I could no longer be with her and that she needs to go away, please dont ruin your life. I didnt know how else to get through to her other than to take myself away. I heard from her brother that she went away the next day.

Well--a week went by and I could not stop thinking about her. Is she thinking about me? Is she going to be ok? Her insurance did not cover her staying any longer and she was released after about 8 days. Since she has been attending OP meetings and looks, sounds and feels great. Especially looks great! I saw her the night she was let out. I realized just how much I missed her and how much so I wanted to be with this clean her. Her eyes shined again. It had been years since they looked that way.



That said, this is where I could use some guidance. Its been about a week since she is out and she acts distant. She's told me, & I totally understand, that she can not focus on "us" now. Told her if she wants space, consider it done.
If she needs someone to listen, JUST LISTEN, and not judge or invest in her words I can and will. Im no longer thinking about how she hurt me, nor the future. I just want to be part of her life clean.

I am deeply in love with this girl and planned on taking the next step soon. What frightens me is since her release and with all the terrific stories she's told me about people she's met in rehab, etc. I cant help but be worried that once her life is more normal, so to speak, that she will no longer need me..

I am losing my mind trying so hard to balance between being supportive and there for her yet not being too pushy or forceful.
I find myself so carefully choosing my words (I love you's, etc.) so as not to scare her off or distract her focus from herself. It is hard to know what is right.

However, over the last 2 days she's told me she would like to spend some time tgthr but then is on the other line i beep thru and she does not answer and doesn't call or text me back. Yet earlier today she called me after talking to one of her group members she was talking off the ledge. Called me 'baby'.. you'd have thought Charlize Theron had called me baby! I was ecstatic ha..
What a roller coaster ride this is. Very tough. First NA meeting is Thursday for me.

Is it sort of common for her to be really distant?
Could her counselors in IOP be telling her to create space between us? (which I understand, I just wish she'd tell me)


Totally in the dark..
Thanks all

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR, Spantoh.

Seven years is a long time, your first decade of adulthood has been spent with your addict girlfriend. If she was completely clean when you met her, that means that today--in addiction--she is now profoundly changed. And this shakes us to our core when we see the same face, same eyes, same body but we experience an entirely new energy emanating from the person we love, and that energy is cold, selfish, and volatile. We can't believe it. We start to feel crazy because of the flip. It is a deeply disturbing experience.

She is barely clean and still very much operating with the mind of an addict. This puts you in danger of being hurt, as addicts cannot have mutually loving, mutually respectful relationships. You are at risk of losing yourself in obsession over her and adopting a false persona when you are with her, as you try to manage the relationship, her moods, her addiction, and prevent her from turning on you. This is what happens to us.

You will receive much support here. There are links labeled "Sticky" on the forum opening page. You will benefit from reading those. You need to read all you can, as you have some serious challenges ahead. It is always emotionally dangerous to be involved with an addict.

lesliej

yes, it's a hard truth to face...sometimes we codependents actually have an underlying fear of someone else's recovery. of course we want someone we love to find recovery from a horrible addiction, but we fear that their new found health and greater freedom of spirit will leave us behind...

so, guess what? that fear becomes part of our own sickness. your honesty will help you. the eggshells that exist between you, the unspoken communication that is needed for a healthy relationship, the darkness you live in and are going crazy in, are all red flags for a dysfunctional relationship.

getting your own recovery at nar anon or al anon or reading "codependent no more" will help you begin your own journey. being here, posting, processing and reading will also help you. the more you do for yourself the better outlook on life and love you will have!!! recovery works. but you have to work your own, not someone else's.

if you are afraid of someone else's recovery then there is a problem...pretty much guaranteed! so you are in the right place here, look with open eyes and you will find the tools you need to thrive and be happy.

Spantoh

Thanks Leslie, English..
I've gotten several books to learn about her addiction as well as my own in living with a recovering addict.
I have been hurt several times before in relationships--have and am capable of forging on and forgetting but I my heart truly does not want to in this instance.

My "fear" of her recovery is just that I know this clean amazing girl from 5 years ago, beautiful green eyes, hard-working, kind, loving, generous and if she comes back, I long to be a part of her new life.
Would an addict consider that selfish on my behalf, perhaps?

You say the darkness I am living in is a sign of dysfunction; do you recommend I flat out ask if she would like me to leave her alone?
Or is this too intrusive / too loaded a question at this point in her recovery?


Or should I take the non call backs and non replies to messages as sort of a 'hint, hint'?
My question to that is why tell me you want to spend time with me just to not answer/ignore my attempt to take her up on that offer?
I can only pray she is not playing 'mind games' with me, she was never that type of girl before but..


Thanks all, feeling better

Spantoh

1 more thought..
Is it normal to sort of place your new peers and connections before your family and SO?
Them relating to what she's going through and my just trying to?

I mean, its pretty clear she'd rather talk to them than me.. and if so--may this gradually change with time?


Thanks

cc88

^This^

Actions speak loud enough.

She may be trying to let you down easy, or maybe isnt sure what she needs so shes keeping the door open in case. Or maybe she legit DOES want to spend time with you.

And yes, its common for recovering addicts to make other recovering addicts/meetings/etc 90% of their social interaction. Its actually the best thing for them. When they start not wanting to see those people/talk to their sponsors/go to meetings, thats when trouble usually starts. Well it usually starts before then, and that is an indicator. This is whats keeping her accountable right now.

I feel u dude, I left something for my own sanity and it shattered my heart. But I knew that unless I broke it off COMPLETELY, it would just leave the door open for something bad to happen. I said "God, if this is meant to be, then me telling this girl 'never talk to me again' wont matter. You'll bring us back together. and if it is NOT meant to be, then I can do 1,000,000 things a day for her and its not going to matter. It wont work out."

Sometimes when your car spins out, the best thing to do is let go of the wheel and let the alignment straighten you out. The more we struggle for control the worse things get. Control is, at best, an illusion.

Ill pray for you dude.

P.s. The girl I told to never talk to me again is now my wife. If i didnt cut her off completely for a long time and live my life, she wouldnt be. God works how he wants to. Who are we to say we know better.

Spantoh

Awesome cc.. so awesome. "God works how he wants to. Who are we to say we know better."
I am so glad I'm here and that people like you and all the others above are here.

I actually DID cut her off completely. The 2nd time she told me she started using again I broke down and said I cant do this as your BF anymore.
I am here for you as a friend if you may need me but please go away and get help. She did the following day.
While at inpatient (she told me this upon her release) she was under the assumption I was gone for good and she focused solely on herself.

But then a week in--I called. I didn't shower her with I love you or I miss yous. Just asked how she was and told her I believed in her and that I always have (something I'd say daily while she was trying to kick it at home.)
Today, part of me regrets it but part of me doesn't. Eh, ya live and learn.

But I am going to sort of let go again. Well, let go of the reigns, at least.
She has made it clear (day after she was released) that she does not know how to be in a relationship sober yet does not want to lose me but also feels that I deserve much better.

What's so hard is I want to explain (which I do not, so as not to be too intrusive) is that all I want is the best her that she can be.
I don't care if she doesn't have a 6 figure career, a swimsuit figure or a flawless past..

I just would love a shot at being with the clean, healthy her.

Will keep you posted, all.. and thanks again you've made the past 3 days much more clear.

steve1840

hey man-

i feel for you. i've been in this place for a long time. 8 days is a really short time. she's not even started to process any change. after 90 days in a program and ten more clean i thought my gf was getting it. when she went in to her program, i began 2 stepping my program thinking that i was ok. she left after 100+ total clean days. i havent heard from her since we said goodnight sunday. she's back out. we werent even thinking about relationship stuff. i felt it most important that she get better. i put myself 2nd thinking i didnt need much to get better. we both understood our love for each other and that neither of us were planning on going off anywhere. that we would end up together. maybe she was letting me down easy. she felt guilty about it. i do not doubt for a second that she loves me. but she hasnt had enough clean time. doesnt know herself or what she wants right now- her words. i accept that. but she's gone again and i am standing alone facing that truth. the truth that it will take a long time before anything can progress. its the hardest thing in the world to accept that things just have to be over now. maybe it was too soon for us to see each other. but i cant go nuts trying to find answers. im not too coherent right now, but read my old threads, i went through the same exact thing. i have said form the beginning, i want nothing more than a chance to be with her clean. i am thankful i had those 3 days, but i meant a lifetime. just take care of yourself, your ride may only have started.

Spantoh

Thank you, Steve.. luckily, I have a great group of friends I've known for 15+ years and have lots of support in case I do wind up without her.

I am going to try my best not to project ahead--for both her and myself.
I will continue to support her when she searches for it and to read and learn about both her addiction and my coping with it, (whether she stays or not) as I know my #1 interest should be in taking care of myself, same as she is doing.

Pray for me, all..
Thanks

sevenofnine

not wanting to lose someone is not the same as loving them.
Somebody here said that what A's want most is to live in the delusion that they aren't so bad, and being able to say that they didn't lose their SO allows them to think they are still OK.
Its hard, but it sounds like you already know you have to let go and just see what happens. HUGS!

outtolunch

There more than a 50-50, that the reason she is distancing herself is because she has relapsed.

There is nothing you can say or do to keep her clean or cause her to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

lesliej

you never step into the same river twice

life flows forward in time and space

when you do enough recovery to really detach with love, to let the addict in your life go on their path to either find recovery or dig their own hole deeper, when you let go of a relationship that you are afraid of losing, when you take the time and energy and love (that you have been throwing away into the abyss of active addiction) and turn it toward your own spirit and life affirming relationships and creative pursuits, when you allow your heart, mind and soul to start to heal from the traumatic chaos that you have been attached to in a dysfunctional manner...

when the addict that you "loved" had had the time to maybe get a solid footing on their path...if they are able to get some traction find their way toward recovery over the next year...

then, maybe then, possibly then, you can say that "you want a shot at her"

none of us can tell the future. none of us know where we or they will be as time goes by. since a person in active addiction is not capable of making a real long-term commitment to someone else...then expecting anything of the sort is just getting in the way

if someone has been actively using then you really don't even have a clear picture of how they are. Once having been down this road it's not like the "clean girl" is going to be some ideal that is set in your memory of how it was/could be.

if they find the grace to stay clean (statistically very difficult) they are going to need a lot of time and space...you don't even know who they will become. there is A LOT of growth and change in recovery. this does not mean that you or they will even like one another as time goes by.

getting stuck on some winning prize ideal is really unhealthy for all involved

the river flows forward

maybe you will continue to meet on the shores, maybe you will decide to crew together and make the journey together at some point...we just cant know, this is part of recovery...something bigger than us makes that river flow, and we as humans always want to dam it up or stay stuck on the dock too long.

Spantoh

Hey all..
So things are moving along. She is VERY determined and proactive with her meetings and I am very proud and supportive.
We are in touch a few times a day which was very difficult for me at first but I am slowly learning and accepting that "we" are a non-issue right now.

Lots of hopes and prayers but I am focusing on myself.

Atom

I am going through the same thing, Spantoh. My bf of 3 years is just getting into the recovery stuff now and has shut me out and thrown himself into the program 100%. As much as it hurts me being shut out like that I know in my heart it is best for him. It's what he HAS to do. The only thing I can do now is be here if he needs me. Have to watch out for that though because addicts can be very manipulative. He will come to me when he is having a bad day and expects me to take the hurt away and make it better. I can't do that...I can't turn into his other drug. He has to feel and cope with the pain himself and that tears me apart. I also worry that he will find someone to be with from the program that understands him more and that he won't need or love me anymore later on in his recovery. I have resigned myself to that fact. Him getting better means more to me than anything in the world. If he can be safe and clean and happy later on down the line without me then I will accept that. The recovery is the most important thing. Hang in there!

cc88

Even you being healthy/happy?

Atom

If it means him being well, yes. I can resume my life knowing he is ok. I can't honestly say that I don't want to be a part of his future but if that's how it ends up all I can do is be his friend and wish him nothing but the best. This is all new to me so I really have no idea what is in the future with the recovery and setbacks and relationships and stuff. I just know that I have to do what I have to for him. I just need to be ok doing it.

gbuehrle

Wow, reading this thread makes me feel not so alone. My gf is in recovery for the past 2 months. She has been pushing me away to focus on her recovery too. The more I try to control the situation and try to show her I'm just being supporting, the worse it gets. I find that if I hang back and let her come to me when she's ready, things work out much better. When I try to contact her or persuade her to spend more time with me it ends up backfiring and pushing her away.

The problem with "wait and see" is that my life has become an emotional roller-coaster ride. I'm happy when I know we are going to spend time together then I'm a mess when I don't hear from her for a while. This is no way to live, I know. But I can't seem to figure out how to do otherwise. See, I want to be with her and marry her some day. So, I figure if I wait patiently eventually she will come back for good. I'm realistic enough to know there's no guarantee this will happen.

So, do I continue the roller-coaster? Do I allow her to control the relationship and my happyness or do I need to take a different approach? It seems to me that taking a different approach is giving up on her. The last thing I want to do is push her away. So many questions, I just go over and over this in my mind every day and it makes me crazier and crazier. I pray for guidance but when I think it's God speaking to me I wonder if I'm just hearing what I want to hear. All I know is that my life has become unmanageable and I feel completely insane.

Thanks for letting me share... :-)

Doingfine

You say you are going to let go of the reigns?

Are you controlling her moves as if she were a horse?

If you had proper reigns she wouldn't go behind your back to get high before and also shut u out of recovery.

I hear some control issues, that may or may not be true.

If you haven't you should read up on codependency- I've got issues with that too

Doingfine

When I was getting clean I didn't want my boyfriend to talk to me about drugs. He hasn't tried any before and has no clue about them.

I felt judged. Like he thought he was better than me. Like I was being controlled.

He was always suspicious and his questioning made me so angry- especially when I wasn't doing it anymore and he still didn't trust me.

The trust is so hard to gain back and I suspect he will always think of me as a past drug user which hurts, can never get away from feeling judged.

Spantoh

Hardly. I had meant reins as in let her dictate whether she wants to contact to me and me not be proactive with that. But thanks though, will read more about codep