How to talk to an addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
How to talk to an addict
I spent a lot of time (years) trying to reason with an addict. It never worked. Imagine that.
I'm currently in a very limited contact with my addicted son. I don't answer the phone if I don't recognize the number and I have no way of contacting him. But I did have contact a couple of weeks ago......he called......I picked up.
I was calm. He was not. He tried to get me wound up. I didn't let him. He pulled every trick out of his bag to try to get me into a codependent FOG (using fear, obligation and guilt). And I listened. During the whole conversation I said about three sentences.
The first was a boundary....I will not/cannot have a relationship with anyone who is in active addiction.
The second was a statement of position......I will support you in recovery. I will not support your disease.
And the third called it like I see it.....I am feeling manipulated. (I didn't state why I felt that way just that I did. Notice the word "you" was not in that sentence.)
The phone call ended and I felt serene and under control. I knew he was spinning into orbit. I let it go.
Why am I sharing this? Because this recovery stuff works....if you work it. The "no contact" issue is less important to me than the "how I handle it if it happens" issue.
I talked to my brother (he's a therapist) later about it. He said....the conversation went on too long. And I just laughed. He was right.
Just sharing......
gentle hugs
ke
I'm currently in a very limited contact with my addicted son. I don't answer the phone if I don't recognize the number and I have no way of contacting him. But I did have contact a couple of weeks ago......he called......I picked up.
I was calm. He was not. He tried to get me wound up. I didn't let him. He pulled every trick out of his bag to try to get me into a codependent FOG (using fear, obligation and guilt). And I listened. During the whole conversation I said about three sentences.
The first was a boundary....I will not/cannot have a relationship with anyone who is in active addiction.
The second was a statement of position......I will support you in recovery. I will not support your disease.
And the third called it like I see it.....I am feeling manipulated. (I didn't state why I felt that way just that I did. Notice the word "you" was not in that sentence.)
The phone call ended and I felt serene and under control. I knew he was spinning into orbit. I let it go.
Why am I sharing this? Because this recovery stuff works....if you work it. The "no contact" issue is less important to me than the "how I handle it if it happens" issue.
I talked to my brother (he's a therapist) later about it. He said....the conversation went on too long. And I just laughed. He was right.
Just sharing......
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Thank you for sharing!! The FOG is a great reminder. I might borrow some of your words for future conversations with AM or ASD. I know how hard those conversations are, but good for you for not getting hooked into the manipulations!! Your boundaries were in place.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((KE))) - Way to GO!!! I'm very proud of you.
As both an RA and a recovering codie with loved ones who are A's, I will also need to remember the FOG thing. I have to admit, I'm a bit of a hard a$$ with my stepmom, who is addicted to whatever will make her numb...preferably opiates and benzos.
I live with her and my dad, so when she has her eyes half opened, slurring her speech and I say "you're f'd up"...she denies it, asks my dad (who has NO clue about addiction, nor the desire to learn...he just enables) if she's f'd up, I just say "whatever" in my most obnoxious tone and go to my room. She has followed me, sailing the river of denial, and I tell her "I know what I know, this is ME...the addict in recovery? I'm not stupid, and I know what I know, so get OUT of my room".
Usually, I come to SR after one of these episodes. Lately, though, I just see her passed out on the couch and I keep walking. I cling to the 3 C's. Mostly, I know she is an ACOA, A, codie and everything else and I can't undo 65 years of being who she is. My dad enables, so I tune him out when he starts complaining. I tell him to go to al-anon, as he won't listen to me, so I have nothing for him.
It's taken me years to get to this point, and I thank this forum for getting me to where I am today. I may live in dysfunction junction, but I don't have to be a part of the dysfunction. I can put the brakes on, detach, or whatever it takes to maintain my serenity. Yes, I still slip and slide, but it is for a very short time..one day, max. Again, I wouldn't be able to do this if it weren't for the wonderful people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
As both an RA and a recovering codie with loved ones who are A's, I will also need to remember the FOG thing. I have to admit, I'm a bit of a hard a$$ with my stepmom, who is addicted to whatever will make her numb...preferably opiates and benzos.
I live with her and my dad, so when she has her eyes half opened, slurring her speech and I say "you're f'd up"...she denies it, asks my dad (who has NO clue about addiction, nor the desire to learn...he just enables) if she's f'd up, I just say "whatever" in my most obnoxious tone and go to my room. She has followed me, sailing the river of denial, and I tell her "I know what I know, this is ME...the addict in recovery? I'm not stupid, and I know what I know, so get OUT of my room".
Usually, I come to SR after one of these episodes. Lately, though, I just see her passed out on the couch and I keep walking. I cling to the 3 C's. Mostly, I know she is an ACOA, A, codie and everything else and I can't undo 65 years of being who she is. My dad enables, so I tune him out when he starts complaining. I tell him to go to al-anon, as he won't listen to me, so I have nothing for him.
It's taken me years to get to this point, and I thank this forum for getting me to where I am today. I may live in dysfunction junction, but I don't have to be a part of the dysfunction. I can put the brakes on, detach, or whatever it takes to maintain my serenity. Yes, I still slip and slide, but it is for a very short time..one day, max. Again, I wouldn't be able to do this if it weren't for the wonderful people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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