The Journey
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 76
The Journey
I felt so blessed when I found this website many years ago. What a comforting place to know that there are so many of us out there, struggling with this ugly disease that society has taught us only low income losers battle. We too carry our addicts guilt and shame. We allow our addicts choices and behaviors to define who we are, and define the image that we see in the mirror. We beat ourselves up everyday for loving what society has deemed "unlovable". Our bodies and minds beat down and wore out just like our addicts, tired of trying to make sense of insanity. Asking ourselves daily...."what did I do to deserve this?"
I have been on this journey for 18 years. My addict is my husband. When I met him I felt so lucky to find a guy as great as him. He was honest about his addiction, but was in recovery and swore he would never travel that path again. I wasn't aware of the lies an addict could tell, and I was raised in an alcoholic family, so I'd heard that story time and time again. I have been thru bankruptcy, lost 2 houses in foreclosure, and wondered where the food for my children would come from. My AH was about to head to prison for forging prescriptions when he discovered the grace of God. He was the first person in our town to complete a recently introduced "Drug Treatment Court" and our family found peace and comfort in the arms of an amazing church family. We spent almost 4 years in a non chaotic, loving, supportive home. He taught a class for young boys, was a leader in the church's faith based recovery program, and has participated in more mission trips than I could even mention. I was a youth leader and shared my story with many high school youth....always adding, I hated going thru it, but I had so many of my own lessons to learn that I would never give it back. It made me who I was.
So, now my journey has come to another fork in the road. My AH is back into full addiction. I have watched the road he traveled, and apparently forgot all the lessons that I learned. You see, when he took that fork in the road, I chose to follow. Like his drug of choice sucked him in...so did mine...him. My focus came off of me and onto him. I have hidden his secrets, carried his shame, made all of the excuses....all the while building up more and more anger towards him. This was his fault, he put us here. Yes, he did, but I chose to follow. You see, that's what addiction is, choices. Life presents us with choices everyday....today, I choose to be with my AH. Only I will choose the other fork in the road, the one that provides me with peace, serenity, and the grace of God to carry me thru each day- 1 at a time. I choose to love the unlovable, simply because I have seen in the heart of my AH, and I know what's there. His higher power will restore him, if and when he chooses that. Today, I choose mine to restore me. My life is completely unmanageable, but by the grace of God, I will carry on. I have spent the last few days reading numerous posts on this site, reminding me of where I once was, and where I am today. What it has helped me realize is that I have been given the tools to survive addiction, and I am not in this journey alone. It reminds me that my AH doesn't define me and his choices don't define me. I will not carry his guilt or shame, I will not be his excuse to walk out the door, and I will not allow that chaos back into my home. I will love him with all of my heart....and a whole lot of boundaries. But his choices are his, and mine are mine.
Thank you to all who are posting on these pages, who have traveled the same journey, and who help remind me that my addict doesn't define who I am.
I have been on this journey for 18 years. My addict is my husband. When I met him I felt so lucky to find a guy as great as him. He was honest about his addiction, but was in recovery and swore he would never travel that path again. I wasn't aware of the lies an addict could tell, and I was raised in an alcoholic family, so I'd heard that story time and time again. I have been thru bankruptcy, lost 2 houses in foreclosure, and wondered where the food for my children would come from. My AH was about to head to prison for forging prescriptions when he discovered the grace of God. He was the first person in our town to complete a recently introduced "Drug Treatment Court" and our family found peace and comfort in the arms of an amazing church family. We spent almost 4 years in a non chaotic, loving, supportive home. He taught a class for young boys, was a leader in the church's faith based recovery program, and has participated in more mission trips than I could even mention. I was a youth leader and shared my story with many high school youth....always adding, I hated going thru it, but I had so many of my own lessons to learn that I would never give it back. It made me who I was.
So, now my journey has come to another fork in the road. My AH is back into full addiction. I have watched the road he traveled, and apparently forgot all the lessons that I learned. You see, when he took that fork in the road, I chose to follow. Like his drug of choice sucked him in...so did mine...him. My focus came off of me and onto him. I have hidden his secrets, carried his shame, made all of the excuses....all the while building up more and more anger towards him. This was his fault, he put us here. Yes, he did, but I chose to follow. You see, that's what addiction is, choices. Life presents us with choices everyday....today, I choose to be with my AH. Only I will choose the other fork in the road, the one that provides me with peace, serenity, and the grace of God to carry me thru each day- 1 at a time. I choose to love the unlovable, simply because I have seen in the heart of my AH, and I know what's there. His higher power will restore him, if and when he chooses that. Today, I choose mine to restore me. My life is completely unmanageable, but by the grace of God, I will carry on. I have spent the last few days reading numerous posts on this site, reminding me of where I once was, and where I am today. What it has helped me realize is that I have been given the tools to survive addiction, and I am not in this journey alone. It reminds me that my AH doesn't define me and his choices don't define me. I will not carry his guilt or shame, I will not be his excuse to walk out the door, and I will not allow that chaos back into my home. I will love him with all of my heart....and a whole lot of boundaries. But his choices are his, and mine are mine.
Thank you to all who are posting on these pages, who have traveled the same journey, and who help remind me that my addict doesn't define who I am.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry to hear of your husbands relapse aft such a long period of sobriety. It's a reminder that battling an addiction isn't ever "done". When in recovery, the addict is always one bad decision away from falling back into it.
It sounds like you have a lot of strength. I find that it's not whether or not I fall into my own crazy behaviors, it's whether I recognize it and work to correct it.
You and your husband will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
It sounds like you have a lot of strength. I find that it's not whether or not I fall into my own crazy behaviors, it's whether I recognize it and work to correct it.
You and your husband will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Thank you for the share. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this difficult time, but I appreciate your honesty. I'm glad you've been reading on here. There is a lot of wonderful information--about addicts, boundaries, letting go, etc. My RABF was addicted to pain pills for 7 years. I'm familiar with the prescription drug addiction. I know all the chaos, lies, and manipulation that goes along with it. You've come to a good place for support.
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