delacalle3

This may end up long, but if you can provide insight, knowledge, experience, or anything else, it will be worth the read.

I began drinking at almost 19 when my dad accused me of stealing a large sum of money i didn't even know was in the house.

I moved in with my boyfriend and became dependent on alcohol to sleep. he is an un-admitting alcoholic.

Never drank to get drunk. Maybe a few times at parties. nightly only to be buzzed enough to sleep.

Now, however, I find myself shaking if I don't have a drink. But just one is enough. For a few hours. I am also bulimic, instigated by gastroparesis that i took advantage of and it became bulimia.

So I drink not to eat and mess up my teeth and esophagus and heart by throwing up (it is a reflex. Never stuck a finger down my throat,) beer makes me not want to eat, even if it is only one or 2 every few hours.

If I stay "self-medicated" this way through my depression, bulimia, and self- hate, I feel fine. (all day)

As I said, I don't get drunk, I do become emotionally sensitive and out of control sometimes, but I only drink throughout the day to cope.

And I am sick of living this way, in this routine/pattern. I want to eat and also drink like a normal person. I do not want to obsess over my next binge or my next beer.

I want to be there for my younger brothers and watch them have families and be happier than they ever have been. But when the urge hits, I don't care. I do care, but it doesn't bother me. Until I hit my 8 or 9 beer.. then i become a crying mess questioning why do i do this to myself my famlily that I love to my fiance that is concerned and why when i try to stop why i can't just be normal... I am only 22 and after 3 years of the same thing every day (i can count on 1 hand how many days i drank less than 2 tall boys since being 19,) and diagnosed with liver disease possible cirrhosis.... any advice?

SomethingBetter

22 years old?

This thing only gets worse, it's not a maybe, it will get worse, it's progressive.

Please stick around and read, your not alone...

Welcome to the forum

Sapling

That sounds like the last two years of my drinking....I drank from morning to night...I didn't get drunk and I couldn't eat....And I'd shake bad if I ran out....I shook bad if I knew I only had two left. Sounds like you should give it up for good. There is a line we cross that you can't go back to normal drinking....And it sounds like you crossed it young. What do you feel about never drinking again?

Dee74

Hi and welcome delacalle

I'm sorry to read your story. I know you'll find a lot of support and encouragement here tho

Are you open to the idea of face to face support too? seeing your Dr, or counselling, or AA or another recovery programme, or maybe even rehab?

D

Jitterbugg

Hi dela,
It sounds like you have developed a strong tolerance to alcohol, which never a good sign. During my heavy drinking days, I would drink 12 tall boys a day just to feel normal and stave off withdrawal. If I really wanted to get drunk, I would drink the 12 tall boys plus a fifth of vodka. I started the daily drinking for the same reason you do; to sleep. I couldn't have any peace of mind unless I was sufficiently 'medicated'.

I went down a slippery slope and hit rock bottom at 34 yrs old. The nightmare started when I was your age and I really wish I could have seen the path I was taking back then. You have a chance now to stop the madness before it takes everything away like it did for me. Seek help!

dotherightthing

Hi de la calle,

Thanks for posting here. It's good to hear that you want to take back your life.

You probably know this, but what you describe above is going to kill you, and not slowly, either. Once your body starts to fall apart, it will snowball at a disturbing rate. What you're describing is the beginnings of that.

The good news is that you don't ever have to drink again. There are people who have succeeded in this, and they can help you find your way out, too. Talk to recovering alcoholics. Ask for what you need. Share how you are. Just don't cut off communication. Best of luck to you. You can do this.

brokensnowflake

Delacalle....sounds like you are in a difficult place but it also sounds like you have the desire to stop. Have you tried AA? You don't have to drink again or feel this way again, ever if you don't want to.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

You have an opportunity to have a fabulous life, if you stay stopped now! The world will open it's doors for you. I used the steps of AA, and they saved my life. I self-medicated with alcohol. Alcohol became my solution to dealing with my insides and with the world around me. I also drank as I didn't eat as much, either. AA gave me in person support from people who understand. With your liver not functioning normally, I hope you feel that you are willing to do what it takes to stay stopped. The steps of AA helped me to get a new perspective on the world. It is my new solution. I will have one year of sobriety tomorrow. A year ago, I had no real reason to wake up, other than to drink away my problems. Today, the world seems to be giving me opportunities to be the person I always wanted to be. The doors are opening again.

I wish I had stayed stopped when I walked in to my first AA meeting at the age of 25. I chose to do it my way another 25 years. My life was a disaster.

Today, my life is much more well rounded. It is an amazing experience to stay stopped.

If AA isn't what you'd want to explore, there is also AVRT, SMART, Women for Sobriety, and possibly other programs available. Please find a program that works for you.

You can stay stopped and have a wonderful life!! I hope you keep coming back here and that you stay stopped, too! You are worth sobriety and a happier life.

I wish you well on your sober journey.

Love, hugs, and peace,

Zencat

Welcome to SR

Alcohol is a horrible coping mechanism for every sort of illness or disorder. Think of it, self-medication with a toxin is not the way find healing.

Its time to stop drinking and you can do that. Explore some recovery options, get support (as in staying connected here at SR) and commit yourself working for a better life.

I know from experience that making positive changes in not always easy. I had to change my ways because it was killing me to go on as an active addict. Life without alcohol/drugs is far better these days for me. I can face my problems head on, search for a solution and work towards my goals. You can do this too, believe in yourself and stop the madness please.

delacalle3

Thanks everyone for your words. I know staying stopped is what I need to to even have a future, let alone a good one.

I am taking this one day at a time, taking each craving and temptation as a challenge and decision toward keeping myself alive.

Thanks again and good luck to everyone.

2granddaughters

A.A. helped me stop and stay stopped. I wish you the best.

Bob R

artsoul

Welcome delacalle -

You're not alone - Most all of us have been in the same spot, where we "know" what we need to do yet can't seem to do it on our own..... we keep reaching for the drink/drug anyway.

I'm glad you reached out today, so that we can tell you that you don't have to live this way anymore, that there are solutions and resources to help you get sober. If we can do it, you can too!:ghug3

(This is just my 2 cent's worth, but I think it's worth considering inpatient rehab, especially when there are underlying issues and/or need for a medical detox. I suffered from untreated depression long before I drank, and going to a treatment center to address that (as well as addiction) was one of the best things I ever did.)

freshstart57

Cravings are thoughts, by definition, right? Some of our thoughts we can control, some of them we can't, but we can always choose whether we act on our thoughts or not. We do not have to become our thoughts, we can watch them if we choose.

Can you imagine a perfect day for you? One without alcohol? How does it start, and what happens next? How will you feel waking up sober and knowing that you don't have to drink today, and you won't? What will you be able to do on that day that you would be unable to do drunk?

These questions can help you make a plan about continuing to use alcohol. Are you ready to make your plan, dellacalle3?

delacalle3

Well "drunk" i am not.. maybe once a month or so I get out of hand... It is just steady drinking to remain in a slightly inebriated state all day. But yes, I am ready for a plan.

I am ready to decide what I can do with my life without alcohol, with more motivation- I can go back to writing music, reading, studying, being productive in cleaning and other things a "woman" is held accountable for...

But as we all know, it is very hard to say no to the next drink no matter how much you want to.

eh1988

I was there....that was me. I convinced myself I wasn't an alcoholic for nearly 3 years. I used the same excuses....(I only drink to fall asleep, I only drink to keep a small steady buzz, I only drink when I'm anxious) It was all just a big lie to myself. I was, I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink to a normal capacity as most of society can. Just because I only drank a beer or two an hour, doesn't mean I was any better than anyone else, at the end of the day I was still dusting around 20 beers a day. You have made a great decision by joining SR, trust me, it started my sobriety. For most people though, it will take a little more, maybe catching a meeting in your area, getting a sponsor who knows exactly what you're dealing with. At the very least, keep posting here, keep coming back, I promise you it makes a huge difference. I wish you nothing but the best, I know every single person here can get sober, and I have the utmost faith that we all will and remain sober.