Dispatches

So I went to Rehab March 25th. Since then I had a great mindset on staying sober until this past week or so. I managed to string together 35 days of sobriety. This past weekend I was using and drinking again. Today I've stayed sober.

I was going to meetings twice a week and it just felt like they stopped helping me, or I just lost interest or something. Now I'm wondering if I'm going to go anymore. I've sort of turned my back on all of it for some reason. This place is great, I really like it. But I'm not so sure about everything else now.

I don't really know why I'm posting except that I'm worried that I stopped participating in the things I was before. I think its important that I talk about whats going on.

I believe the AA program works, but I've lost the desire to work it. I don't get it, I'm on the fence or something. I just feel really confused about what I want to do. Maybe I've talked myself into believing that I don't need it, I'm not sure.

I had a fire lit under me in Rehab, I was so determined. Now I don't have that determination as much. I want myself to want to stay sober for good again. If that makes any sense.

Dee74

lack of motivation, or continuing motivation is a big one for a lot of people, I think.

We can be all or nothing people too - when we 'fail' a lot of us find that fire can go out....all the self doubt about whether we can do this, and the fear that we can/can't really plays on us, whether we realise it or not.

You had one slip in 35 days...don't knock the board over, cos you made a bad move

If you really feel you need something else besides AA, that's your call - there's a lot of alternatives out there...

but my advice is work through the apathy - do *something* for your recovery, even when it's the last thing you want to do cos that probably the time you really need to ...

down the road, you'll be glad you did

D

HitRockBottom70

Hey Dispatches.
Glad to hear you got right back to sobriety.
What lit the fire during rehab? Why did it start to fade?
How do we keep the fire in our belly?
Can you give me some pointers, I'm new.
And don't think you failed, you got right back with it, which is huge.

Sapling

I've heard it said that AA is not a program for people that need it...It's a program for people that want it. It may be as simple as you just aren't done yet...I've seen that. Why don't you try a different program...AVRT...SMART...Lifering...Anything....If you don't have the desire to work those...Then I guess the problem is with you.

awuh1

I believe that often , when people have a difficult time staying sober, it is the result of a mood disorder, typically depression. If the depression remains untreated it’s like fuel for alcoholism. I don’t know if it’s the case with you but your lack of interest/enthusiasm (I’m uncertain what word to use) might be an indicator of that mood disorder. If in fact no other program seems to have much appeal either, then perhaps, an evaluation for that mood disorder might be warranted. Sometimes they miss it (as it's not clearly seen in the first 30 days) in the rehabs.

dotherightthing

It sounds like you've not really gotten past step one. You want to want to stay sober but you don't really want to stay sober? Perhaps you don't see yourself as having a problem.

instant

what are the pros and cons of using/ drinking for you? I wonder that the pros and cons of not participating in your recovery are ?

I've sort of turned my back on all of it for some reason.

Is there a way to find that reason?

The thing we fight can be hard to 'see' sometimes

Dispatches

Thanks for all your responses, I'm sober again today after another few days of using. I've had some time to think about whats been going on, and what I think I should do about it. I'm planning on getting back into AA. Find a new place to go with familiar people I can make friends with. I think I need that close support and I haven't been getting it since I completed Intensive Outpatient. I have a friend that I can try and start going with to help with the anxiety I have. I have social anxiety and other social problems.


I guess the main things were that I was dependent on opiates for 7 years, and it just wore me out. The last 2 years were just awful, depressed and exhausted. I hurt a lot of people around me deeply, Mostly myself. I abused other things too. The more intense using was off and on, but I always took opiates, to not withdrawal, and to get the energy, motivation, and the euphoria they gave me.

I think the fire faded because I stopped working it the way I should. I haven't gone to enough different meetings to give up on AA yet. I lost the close support I had and didn't look hard enough to find it again. I got complacent, I wasn't working the steps. An opportunity to use arose and so I did. Once I did it once it was easy the following times. If I had drugs or alcohol in the house I would probably use them right now. I haven't taken action to find a solution that is sobriety.

I know in my heart I'm an addict/alcoholic, and always will be. It's in my blood, passed down from my parents and their parents. There's been death in my family due to Addiction/Alcoholism. Suicide, Liver and Kidney failure, Incarceration, Depression, etc... I know where it leads, and where I'm going if I continue. I just feel so crappy sometimes, physically, mentally, I'm still exhausted. Its so easy to just go and get those pills or that drink and have everything wash away for a moment. Since getting out of rehab its been a roller coaster. Wonderful at times, Terrible at others. I know it will get much better if I continue on the sober path, I just have to find that desire to stop. Through myself and my higher power, and the people I hope to meet at new meetings, Through this website.

I'd have said the same thing to myself when I was 30 days sober.

I don't know, maybe I haven't gotten past step one. I'm new to all of this still, I learned a lot, but still can learn so much more. I truly feel like I have gotten past step one, but maybe that feeling is just a feeling? I don't know. I feel I do know, but maybe I'm wrong. I do know I have a problem that leads to death, incarceration, or insanity.

These are tough questions The pros are the short fix to all of my problems, the cons are too many to list.

The pros to participating in my recovery is an opportunity to live a happy sober life. Cons to not participate are to continue what I've been doing.

I hope I've found the reason. I think it is simple and I think I have been making it complicated. I need to work at it harder, and if its not working then I need to actively find something that will. I just forget all of this so easily, its just totally absent from my mind at times. That or I just put it off, or ignore it for the time being. I don't know but I think I've typed enough for the night.

Thanks again,

Sapling

Everything you need to know is in the Big Book. Read and study the first 103 pages till you understand it...Then find someone to take you through those steps...There is a solution...And that is it.

ph3314

Dispatches! It sounds like you at least know what you need to do to get started. Just keep thinking, 24 hours. I am right there with you trying to figure everything out. You are worth it and deserve to be happy!

Let us know how the meeting goes today!

2granddaughters

I was the same way.. I called them "mood swings".

2 meetings a week for a newcomer isn't enough IMHO, what does your sponsor say?

If you want what the oldtimers have you will have to do what the oldtimers did. Go to the meetings whether you want to or not, they will save your life.

The fact that I don't want what is good for me shows my disease for what it is.

All the best.

Bob R

wpainterw

Would it help if you worked on the possibility or even likelihood that deep within your brain there is something, often called the "lizard brain", a primitive area left over from an earlier evolutionary stage, which wants the alcohol to return, which wants you to slip, which says subconsciously or mutters to your more conscious rational self, "Hey, it's so boring being sober! These meetings! So boring! No fun at all! Not like the old days!" So it plays on the tedium, the apathy, trying to get you to pick up that first drink, to bring back the "old days". Think about the "old days". Were they really "fun"? And hang in there, one day at a time. It gets better. Stick with it.

W.

coming_clean

whatever you do..
just don't give up and keep trying.

Dispatches

Woke up today feeling good! I was emotional on the car ride to the meeting I met a friend at, but I feel like it was a good thing.

The meeting went well, I heard things I needed to hear and I shared what was going on and found some support.

The best part is I think I have a sponsor now. I'm meeting with him tomorrow morning after a meeting to talk about what he expects from me and if I'm willing to do it. I'm actually excited despite being nervous and anxious.

artsoul

That's great, dispatches - now you're working the solution (instead of thinking about the problem, which just makes us feel defeated). You've discovered how easy it is to fall back into the same old thought patterns, and you're doing something about it - awesome!

You have to keep reinforcing the rational/sane part of you (that knows you're an alcoholic) on a daily basis. It's when get caught up in our own thinking and how bad we feel, and what we the future be like, that we're going to have that knee-jerk reaction to drink/use. So stay in the moment and stay with that sane voice. It really will get better and easier as you go along. :ghug3

artsoul

oops double post.......

flhogi

Keep going to meetings get a sponsor work the program. Keep an open mind to what you hear at the meetings. Get phone numbers from folks at the meetings for support.

Dispatches

I didn't have the strong urge to use today. The thought popped into my head and I said not today. I feel determined again, and for that I am grateful. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

I just wish I could talk to my family about my relapse. They all think I have been sober since March 26th. I don't want to tell them because I know they will be devastated. I can't put anymore stress on them. Its feels like I'm getting mixed up in my old lies. Is it wrong for me to lie about it for now?

Sapling

Honesty is a major part in getting sober...Especially getting honest with yourself. As long as you are aware of where your old lying ways will take you...I think in this case...If you'd be doing more harm than good by telling them...I probably wouldn't tell them...Maybe I'm wrong about that. I think for me...If it would devastate them and stress them out...I'd pass on telling them.

Sapling

I'd also find some motivation to work your program....So maybe a year down the road you can tell them you had a little slip when you got started.