How to support recovering addict?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 7
How to support recovering addict?
Hi all, I'm a newbie here.
My fiance and I have been together for 10 years. For about 8 of those years, he has been an off-and-on addict. He did just about every drug in his youth, is a recovering alcoholic, but has mostly been a "functioning" addict for the better part of his life.
He has sought psychotherapy, but it was mostly unsuccessful. The times it was, he had to discontinue for financial reasons.
Last year, he started to get his life together. At his lowest point, I told him to choose between alcohol or me (at the time, he was not taking drugs) and he chose to get sober. I said I would always be there for him as long as he was helping himself. I'm so proud to say he's been sober from alcohol for 9 months. During this time, he proposed to me and I said yes.
This year he also sought the help of a psychiatrist who has seemingly helped stabilize his mood disorders with medication, but he is not seeing an actual therapist. Recently, he was in a motorcycle accident and when the doc asked what he wanted for pain, he said Oxycontin.
It had been so long since he was addicted to opiates (at least 7 years) that I did not think it would be an issue. Well, he ran out of his prescription and the doc refused to refill it. After several days of withdrawals and pain he could not manage, he began to seek it out.
He quickly realized he had a problem and did not want it to spiral out of control. We are both so exhausted with this cycle of addiction/sobriety, and want to lead normal, healthy and sober lives. He said he needed help, and wanted to enter a methadone program. I tried to talk him out of it - saying he could go to NA meetings for support and just allow himself another week to detox. He didn't agree that was best, and chose to enter the program on Friday.
I'm so torn... On one hand, I recognize that he's actually seeking help (even if I don't agree it's the best method). I'm trying to be supportive and positive, but I'm so full of uncertainty and worry. He's on a low dose of methadone (30 mg) and it's only been a few days, but he's so out of it most of the time it's really bothering me. I'm hiding this from my family because they have always been critical of him. But I know I need support, too. I can't afford a therapist, I don't know what resources are available to me or really how to support him through this.
Does anyone have some advice? Resources? Words of encouragement? How long should this last, how successful is this program, etc. The man I love with all my heart is in there ... how can I help him break the chains of addiction and stay sane myself?
My fiance and I have been together for 10 years. For about 8 of those years, he has been an off-and-on addict. He did just about every drug in his youth, is a recovering alcoholic, but has mostly been a "functioning" addict for the better part of his life.
He has sought psychotherapy, but it was mostly unsuccessful. The times it was, he had to discontinue for financial reasons.
Last year, he started to get his life together. At his lowest point, I told him to choose between alcohol or me (at the time, he was not taking drugs) and he chose to get sober. I said I would always be there for him as long as he was helping himself. I'm so proud to say he's been sober from alcohol for 9 months. During this time, he proposed to me and I said yes.
This year he also sought the help of a psychiatrist who has seemingly helped stabilize his mood disorders with medication, but he is not seeing an actual therapist. Recently, he was in a motorcycle accident and when the doc asked what he wanted for pain, he said Oxycontin.
It had been so long since he was addicted to opiates (at least 7 years) that I did not think it would be an issue. Well, he ran out of his prescription and the doc refused to refill it. After several days of withdrawals and pain he could not manage, he began to seek it out.
He quickly realized he had a problem and did not want it to spiral out of control. We are both so exhausted with this cycle of addiction/sobriety, and want to lead normal, healthy and sober lives. He said he needed help, and wanted to enter a methadone program. I tried to talk him out of it - saying he could go to NA meetings for support and just allow himself another week to detox. He didn't agree that was best, and chose to enter the program on Friday.
I'm so torn... On one hand, I recognize that he's actually seeking help (even if I don't agree it's the best method). I'm trying to be supportive and positive, but I'm so full of uncertainty and worry. He's on a low dose of methadone (30 mg) and it's only been a few days, but he's so out of it most of the time it's really bothering me. I'm hiding this from my family because they have always been critical of him. But I know I need support, too. I can't afford a therapist, I don't know what resources are available to me or really how to support him through this.
Does anyone have some advice? Resources? Words of encouragement? How long should this last, how successful is this program, etc. The man I love with all my heart is in there ... how can I help him break the chains of addiction and stay sane myself?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Hello, I am sorry your going through this I know it is hard to know what to do.
(how can I help him break the chains of addiction and stay sane myself?)
Do you have an Al Anon, Families Anonymous.,or any other support group you can
attend?
Most states have some type of helpline that you can call and find out.
IMO, he has started working on him all you can do is work on you.
(how can I help him break the chains of addiction and stay sane myself?)
Do you have an Al Anon, Families Anonymous.,or any other support group you can
attend?
Most states have some type of helpline that you can call and find out.
IMO, he has started working on him all you can do is work on you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 31
I am sad to hear you find yourself in this situation. ON the positive side, you have experience dealing with these things so there will be no suprises.
I have heard mixed reviews about the methadone program. Some people take advantage of the program, and some use it just not to get "sick" . Some people say its worse then heroin.
Keeping this to yourself is a stressful burden. Counselling can be expensive, but on a plus side some have "sliding scale" fees based on your income.. so the less you make the more you pay. Research free counselling programs in your area. There are also stress or crisis lines you can call. If you don't feel comfortable with that try a meeting.
It sounds like he is aware of the problem, so thats a good thing. I suggest self care so you don't become emeshed in the situation
I have heard mixed reviews about the methadone program. Some people take advantage of the program, and some use it just not to get "sick" . Some people say its worse then heroin.
Keeping this to yourself is a stressful burden. Counselling can be expensive, but on a plus side some have "sliding scale" fees based on your income.. so the less you make the more you pay. Research free counselling programs in your area. There are also stress or crisis lines you can call. If you don't feel comfortable with that try a meeting.
It sounds like he is aware of the problem, so thats a good thing. I suggest self care so you don't become emeshed in the situation
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
how can I help him break the chains of addiction and stay sane myself?
In terms of staying sane yourself, well the only way to do that is to work on you, just you. It won’t even matter if you hang around to watch or leave, there is no road to sanity without doing the work. Find a recovery program and some support for yourself.
Methadone, will be what he makes it, and it will be his as well. You have no say in the matter and while you can having feelings about it, they are yours and for you to use, not something you have a right to take a stand on for him.
Educate yourself on enabling which is a huge no no. If you want him to have a chance then avoid being an enabler. Know you have no control over his actions or behaviors only what you take and take and take, only how you allow it to effect, chain you...know he doesn’t need help to use and never will. He doesn't need anyone to make excuses with him/for him, to make assignments either of good and or bad. He doesn't need pity parties, or anyone to hide the truth, and keep this secret, even if the addiction is counting on that. He doesn't need to be seen as less than, as incapable. He doesn't need his mistakes to be fixed, a cushion for each fall, or someone to tell him what he should or shouldn't be doing. He needs to live this, real time, in any pain and frankly he will only learn from doing that.
Education yourself on codependency and on addiction...
And most importantly take good care of YOU!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 36
So sorry for where you are at this time...
I KNOW how you feel all too well.
I'm quite familiar with the active/clean roller coaster ride of emotions also.
I'm just going to touch on the topic of methadone first..
It does vary from state to state.. doses are different, etc..
BUT it is always hard to get off of.
I have heard from a number of people that methadone and suboxone are worse to get off of than heroin and the withdrawals/detox from it are so much worse.
My RA fiance is on methadone.
He has been for nearly two years now.
There was a point where he was down to only 16mg a day and being blind dosed to taper off.
That was,unfortunately, very short lived.
We relocated to a different state while he was doing this, the dose strength was different, he relapsed, and now he's back up to 40mg and is in no hurry to taper back off.
He has been clean of everything else for 10 weeks now. I know it's just a grain of sand compared to how long he has been in the meat grinder called addiction.. but it is something at least.
It sounds like your fiance wants this, but you do need to take a step back and focus on you.
Giving him an ultimatum, and making him choose between his DOC and you... that isn't okay.
That is pretty much forcing him to become sober for you, and it may not last. I'm not saying it won't.. but you are forcing him into a choice that he may not be ready for.
From what you've said, it sounds like he is doing better and does want this though, so congrats to both of you for that!
You must let HIM focus on his recovery though, and you must start your own recovery plan.
It's more important than you'd think, because these next few months will be hard and you will both be growing and changing.
That will help you both stay sane also.
I really do wish you both the best, and hope to see some positive posts coming from you
You've got plenty of support here, should you need it.
Big hugs and prayers going your way.
I KNOW how you feel all too well.
I'm quite familiar with the active/clean roller coaster ride of emotions also.
I'm just going to touch on the topic of methadone first..
It does vary from state to state.. doses are different, etc..
BUT it is always hard to get off of.
I have heard from a number of people that methadone and suboxone are worse to get off of than heroin and the withdrawals/detox from it are so much worse.
My RA fiance is on methadone.
He has been for nearly two years now.
There was a point where he was down to only 16mg a day and being blind dosed to taper off.
That was,unfortunately, very short lived.
We relocated to a different state while he was doing this, the dose strength was different, he relapsed, and now he's back up to 40mg and is in no hurry to taper back off.
He has been clean of everything else for 10 weeks now. I know it's just a grain of sand compared to how long he has been in the meat grinder called addiction.. but it is something at least.
It sounds like your fiance wants this, but you do need to take a step back and focus on you.
Giving him an ultimatum, and making him choose between his DOC and you... that isn't okay.
That is pretty much forcing him to become sober for you, and it may not last. I'm not saying it won't.. but you are forcing him into a choice that he may not be ready for.
From what you've said, it sounds like he is doing better and does want this though, so congrats to both of you for that!
You must let HIM focus on his recovery though, and you must start your own recovery plan.
It's more important than you'd think, because these next few months will be hard and you will both be growing and changing.
That will help you both stay sane also.
I really do wish you both the best, and hope to see some positive posts coming from you
You've got plenty of support here, should you need it.
Big hugs and prayers going your way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 36
OH! And I'd like to add..
some clinics will allow him to sign a release form that will allow you to call and get whatever info you'd like about how he is managing there.
You can just call and confirm his dose, stuff like that.
My fiance did that in the beginning for me because like you, I was pretty uncertain about the whole thing.
I have only called one two occasions, but it helps ease your mind a bit.
Some might feel that it is a bad idea, or whatever. I don't really care what anyone thinks about it because it was my fiance's idea, he did it and THEN informed me about it, and it gives me peace of mind knowing that I can call there any time I have doubts and confirm that he is still going,what his dose is, and if he has "dropped dirty."
Something to discuss perhaps.
some clinics will allow him to sign a release form that will allow you to call and get whatever info you'd like about how he is managing there.
You can just call and confirm his dose, stuff like that.
My fiance did that in the beginning for me because like you, I was pretty uncertain about the whole thing.
I have only called one two occasions, but it helps ease your mind a bit.
Some might feel that it is a bad idea, or whatever. I don't really care what anyone thinks about it because it was my fiance's idea, he did it and THEN informed me about it, and it gives me peace of mind knowing that I can call there any time I have doubts and confirm that he is still going,what his dose is, and if he has "dropped dirty."
Something to discuss perhaps.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. This is a great place to find information and support for yourself. Everyone here loves someone who is addicted.
The most important thing I read here was to work the program that I wish he would work. I took that to heart and I'm doing just that. It's been a tough go....but I feel a sense of serenity most of the time. I'm happy most of the time. I focus on myself and my own recovery most of the time. And that's all healthy stuff.
Meetings and a 12 step study group have been most helpful for me. I hope you stick around and learn what you can from others here. There is a lot of collective wisdom here on SR and a lot of people who understand.
gentle hugs
ke
The most important thing I read here was to work the program that I wish he would work. I took that to heart and I'm doing just that. It's been a tough go....but I feel a sense of serenity most of the time. I'm happy most of the time. I focus on myself and my own recovery most of the time. And that's all healthy stuff.
Meetings and a 12 step study group have been most helpful for me. I hope you stick around and learn what you can from others here. There is a lot of collective wisdom here on SR and a lot of people who understand.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 7
Thank you all so much for the support so far.
To clarify, I agree that "off-and-on addict" was the incorrect term to use. He has an addictive personality - it just isn't always to drugs and alcohol. During his sobriety from alcohol, he has had trouble with spending and "rescuing" animals. It started as a positive hobby to farm chickens, and led to him wanting to bring home a new animal from the flea market every week. So yes, while I consider that as an "off" phase, it's correct to say it's still an addictive behavior (thought I'll take dealing with that over drugs any day!)
I know I need to get help for myself. Anvilhead, you hit it on the, well, head. My biggest problem is letting his problems become my problems and drawing that line. We've been together and lived together so long that we have struggled to maintain our independence at times. While I feel like I've improved on that to an extent, in this case I absolutely feel like I'm being sucked too far into this particular issue in his life.
I am, however, committed to him. He's not hopeless, he's not as bad off as he could be, and he's got the strength to (eventually) overcome. I just want to be supporting him in the right ways without hurting myself or being an enabler. I want him to find his inner strength, but I also want to "hold his hand" through this journey so he knows he's not alone.
I really appreciate your advice and support. I'm open to more of it.
To clarify, I agree that "off-and-on addict" was the incorrect term to use. He has an addictive personality - it just isn't always to drugs and alcohol. During his sobriety from alcohol, he has had trouble with spending and "rescuing" animals. It started as a positive hobby to farm chickens, and led to him wanting to bring home a new animal from the flea market every week. So yes, while I consider that as an "off" phase, it's correct to say it's still an addictive behavior (thought I'll take dealing with that over drugs any day!)
I know I need to get help for myself. Anvilhead, you hit it on the, well, head. My biggest problem is letting his problems become my problems and drawing that line. We've been together and lived together so long that we have struggled to maintain our independence at times. While I feel like I've improved on that to an extent, in this case I absolutely feel like I'm being sucked too far into this particular issue in his life.
I am, however, committed to him. He's not hopeless, he's not as bad off as he could be, and he's got the strength to (eventually) overcome. I just want to be supporting him in the right ways without hurting myself or being an enabler. I want him to find his inner strength, but I also want to "hold his hand" through this journey so he knows he's not alone.
I really appreciate your advice and support. I'm open to more of it.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
I think my AH might count as on and off addict. like he is an addict all the time, but he has managed for as long as three years without. Usually just one night of using and he'd come home and start over with the recovery.
My counselor said some coke addicts are like that.
Although now I'm now wondering if he really was "in recovery" at all... someone here (sorry to not properly give credit here) suggested that not using does not equal recovery, and that sounds pretty right to me, esp in light of the continued slips.
My counselor said some coke addicts are like that.
Although now I'm now wondering if he really was "in recovery" at all... someone here (sorry to not properly give credit here) suggested that not using does not equal recovery, and that sounds pretty right to me, esp in light of the continued slips.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
This does not ring true.
We both scoffed but the doctor was dead serious. I wish I would have had enough sense then to say no when my fiance asked for Oxycontin, but hindsight's 20/20.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Hydrocodone doesn't work for him and when he told the doctor that he said "OK, what do you want?"
Hmmmm...
Actions always, their actions tell exactly what is going on, never has anything ever been so true.
Oh and you would have had no right to say no to the Oxy, his ride, he really has to do this his way in every good thing he does for himself and every thing you deem as not good. The learning is in them doing it their way.
One thing I have found is that the things that in the moment look the worst are sometimes the things that needed to happen in order to give them a chance. Each relapse my husband had was a huge learning tool, sometimes there were the same lessons he needed to learn over and over.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
sometimes there were the same lessons he needed to learn over and over.
Thanks!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
Oh and you would have had no right to say no to the Oxy, his ride, he really has to do this his way in every good thing he does for himself and every thing you deem as not good. The learning is in them doing it their way.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I know how hard it is to watch, but really this will all be on him.
And I really want to tell you that you know nothing, but that has to be a realization you need to come too… Because you can’t know, as this isn’t yours.
I hope you read Anvilheads post and I would say read it a couple times.
He does have to own this, every inch of it and come to terms with it all. And he is the only one who knows what is going on is his head. And this disease is always progressive, with bottoms that get deeper and deeper and lines that become all to easy to cross.
And to sevenofnine...OMG heroin walked in the door here and it was like I was suddenly turned stupid. I am still somewhat pissed about how I forget everything I knew and all the lessons I did learn...well maybe thought I did cause some I needed to learn all over again and of course the hard way UGH!
And I really want to tell you that you know nothing, but that has to be a realization you need to come too… Because you can’t know, as this isn’t yours.
I hope you read Anvilheads post and I would say read it a couple times.
He does have to own this, every inch of it and come to terms with it all. And he is the only one who knows what is going on is his head. And this disease is always progressive, with bottoms that get deeper and deeper and lines that become all to easy to cross.
And to sevenofnine...OMG heroin walked in the door here and it was like I was suddenly turned stupid. I am still somewhat pissed about how I forget everything I knew and all the lessons I did learn...well maybe thought I did cause some I needed to learn all over again and of course the hard way UGH!
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