My alcoholism was his excuse for an affair.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Candler, NC
Posts: 5
My alcoholism was his excuse for an affair.
Help. I'm struggling here. I am an alcoholic. I have been in active recovery since January 11, 2012 when my significant other for 6 1/2 years delivered an ultimatum... Get help or we would just have to be friends. I have not had drink since. I started going to AA 3 days later and have really been taking a good hard look at myself through the steps.
What I didn't know at the time was that he didn't expect me to get sober. He was using my drinking as an excuse to end the relationship because he had started an affair. They meet on-line in an Alonon chat room (of all places) and within 9 days, they were expressing deep feelings for each other. I was clueless though. I just thought I wasn't working hard enough. I wasn't sober enough. I wasn't... anything you can think of... enough. It wasn't until 2/17/12 that I found out because he had gotten in a car accident while sneaking off to meet her while I was traveling to spread my father's ashes at the beach.
Now don't get me wrong. For me the ultimatum was the best thing that could have happened. It woke me up to how screwed up I had made my life. I was fortunate. I woke up before anything legal happened to me. I still have my daughters. I still can drive freely. I don't have to report in to anyone. Etc. But I didn't wake up before the person I loved and held dearest to my heart betrayed me in the worse way, turning me away in my greatest time of need and then used my disease as an excuse to cheat.
Before anyone asks, before this ultimatum we had fought over alcohol and I had gotten as far as admitting I had a problem with it, but he had never threatened our relationship with it. The first time he gave me the ultimatum, i acted upon it promptly. The thought of losing him hurt more than the pain I was trying to bury with alcohol.
But now it feels like the affair is consuming me. It's in my every waking thought in one form or another. I can't even consentrate on my sobriety and work the steps without the knowledge that if he hadn't cheated he would have never forced the issue like he did. We are working it out and he swears he will never do it again but the damage is done. I don't know what to do... all I do know is that I can't drink to ease the pain. I feel stuck. Frozen in this constant replay of the past 4 months. Any advice?
What I didn't know at the time was that he didn't expect me to get sober. He was using my drinking as an excuse to end the relationship because he had started an affair. They meet on-line in an Alonon chat room (of all places) and within 9 days, they were expressing deep feelings for each other. I was clueless though. I just thought I wasn't working hard enough. I wasn't sober enough. I wasn't... anything you can think of... enough. It wasn't until 2/17/12 that I found out because he had gotten in a car accident while sneaking off to meet her while I was traveling to spread my father's ashes at the beach.
Now don't get me wrong. For me the ultimatum was the best thing that could have happened. It woke me up to how screwed up I had made my life. I was fortunate. I woke up before anything legal happened to me. I still have my daughters. I still can drive freely. I don't have to report in to anyone. Etc. But I didn't wake up before the person I loved and held dearest to my heart betrayed me in the worse way, turning me away in my greatest time of need and then used my disease as an excuse to cheat.
Before anyone asks, before this ultimatum we had fought over alcohol and I had gotten as far as admitting I had a problem with it, but he had never threatened our relationship with it. The first time he gave me the ultimatum, i acted upon it promptly. The thought of losing him hurt more than the pain I was trying to bury with alcohol.
But now it feels like the affair is consuming me. It's in my every waking thought in one form or another. I can't even consentrate on my sobriety and work the steps without the knowledge that if he hadn't cheated he would have never forced the issue like he did. We are working it out and he swears he will never do it again but the damage is done. I don't know what to do... all I do know is that I can't drink to ease the pain. I feel stuck. Frozen in this constant replay of the past 4 months. Any advice?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Good for you for getting sober and for working on your recovery. 
I don't know if you and he will be able to work through the affair issues. It could be that he was hoping/expecting you to fail so he could move on, however, he may have felt that your drinking was coming between you. I don't say this in judgement of you. Quite the opposite, as I was the alcoholic causing pain to my husband and my family. Bottom line is that alcoholism causes problems in relationships, but stopping drinking doesn't necessarily solve the problems. And, it's scary that you feel your recovery is in jeopardy.
Have the two of you considered couples counselling?
I don't know if you and he will be able to work through the affair issues. It could be that he was hoping/expecting you to fail so he could move on, however, he may have felt that your drinking was coming between you. I don't say this in judgement of you. Quite the opposite, as I was the alcoholic causing pain to my husband and my family. Bottom line is that alcoholism causes problems in relationships, but stopping drinking doesn't necessarily solve the problems. And, it's scary that you feel your recovery is in jeopardy.
Have the two of you considered couples counselling?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Candler, NC
Posts: 5
We have talked about it but not gone. His thoughts were lets adjust to the changes that have happened and then see if we need to still go to counseling.
The alcohol was a huge factor in the relationship. I don't deny that in the slightest. I drank to numb emotional pain but that also made me selfish, hateful, and judgemental. I can see now how horrible I was when I was at my prime. It is one of the biggest factors in why I want to at least try to work it out with him. I want the chance for a life like we were buildig before I drowned in my disease. But even so... he had no right to cross that line.
I don't have a desire to drink right now, but I do have a desire to find something (none addiction related) to turn too, to ease this pain I'm in. But I guess you are right it is in jeopardy if I can't move forward either.
The alcohol was a huge factor in the relationship. I don't deny that in the slightest. I drank to numb emotional pain but that also made me selfish, hateful, and judgemental. I can see now how horrible I was when I was at my prime. It is one of the biggest factors in why I want to at least try to work it out with him. I want the chance for a life like we were buildig before I drowned in my disease. But even so... he had no right to cross that line.
I don't have a desire to drink right now, but I do have a desire to find something (none addiction related) to turn too, to ease this pain I'm in. But I guess you are right it is in jeopardy if I can't move forward either.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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You can meditate, you can pray, you can journal. All those things are healthy ways to deal with painful emotions.
Can you forgive him for what he did? That doesn't mean condoning it or accepting it. It means letting go of the pain you're carrying and feeling. I suspect that he is carrying pain as well. You are human and you made a mistake in using alcohol to fix things. He is human and he made mistake in getting involved with another woman. Forgiveness is a choice and it's a gift that you give to yourself.
Can you forgive him for what he did? That doesn't mean condoning it or accepting it. It means letting go of the pain you're carrying and feeling. I suspect that he is carrying pain as well. You are human and you made a mistake in using alcohol to fix things. He is human and he made mistake in getting involved with another woman. Forgiveness is a choice and it's a gift that you give to yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
I'm sorry that happened to you; a rather similar thing happened to me and ended my marriage. It was not an affair, but an ultimatum followed by (once I got sober) the discovery of a million and one additional shortcomings in me, practically a new gripe every day. It was very odd and difficult in early sobriety.
Whichever way it turns out for you (continue with him or break up), I wish you the best of sanity and health. Don't let anything become an excuse to backslide. Enjoy your new happiness and every new day, and que sera sera.
Whichever way it turns out for you (continue with him or break up), I wish you the best of sanity and health. Don't let anything become an excuse to backslide. Enjoy your new happiness and every new day, and que sera sera.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
You mentioned AA and the steps so I will direct you there. That is my advice. I think you can find answers and some solace in them. I invite you to post your question in the 12 step section to get a twelve step perspective.
Welcome to SR!
Welcome to SR!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
I am really sorry you're going through this pain. It makes your sobriety all the more impressive. I guess if there's a silver lining, maybe it's that now you know that you're sober for yourself, not for anyone else? That seems like a pretty bright silver lining since it benefits so many other aspects of your life (belated happy Mother's Day, by the way )
I've find it really helpful to let go of the things I can't control. Most of all the past, since it's now beyond anyone's control. Like Anna said, I try to forgive myself and others. We're human. We make a lot of wrong choices, some of them painful. And I try to be grateful for what I have.
I know it hurts, but if it's any consolation it sounds like you're very self-aware and have a handle on things. Maybe you just need to give yourself time? Glad you found us.
)I've find it really helpful to let go of the things I can't control. Most of all the past, since it's now beyond anyone's control. Like Anna said, I try to forgive myself and others. We're human. We make a lot of wrong choices, some of them painful. And I try to be grateful for what I have.
I know it hurts, but if it's any consolation it sounds like you're very self-aware and have a handle on things. Maybe you just need to give yourself time? Glad you found us.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Where the sun is always shining
Posts: 425
Ask yourself this. If you were not an alcoholic, do you think you would be able to forgive this person? Your sickness was no excuse for an affair. If it was so bad, he should have just ended the relationship rather then use your disease as an excuse to cheat. Sorry. I wasn't an active alcoholic at the time but I've been there. I tried to forgive and stayed for 2 more years. I lost trust. It ate me alive. Even if he wasn't cheating, I always felt he was or was worried. My self esteem went to he!!. Your sobriety is the most important thing right now. No one here can really give you sound advice. In this situation, it lies within you. I would however suggest that if you stay, get counseling. Get as much support as you can. Work you steps in AA if you go. I'm sorry you have to go through. Betrayal is painful but you can come through this strong, sober and happy. Great job on staying sober through this so far. Keep it up. :ghug3
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