Lisalittle

So all this is new to me, my bf and I just broke up...for the 10th time. He's an alcoholic, but I never really could see it. He would always drink when something went wrong, he was stressed, etc...and every time he would come back and say how sorry he was, he was never drinking again, he never cheated on me. He says that I'm controlling when I would ask him not to drink so much...I've never been around someone that could drink as much as he can. Everything came out when we moved in together, his parents kicked him out bc of his drinking but knew he would be with me...so it was ok;( when he moved in he was drinking everyday, and the past 3 weekends he was getting a hotel bc I wouldn't let him come home when he was wasted. I feel like I wasn't strong enough to tell hi
Not to drink, I know I tried but he would always blame me, make me feel guilty, and I just didn't want to fight anymore...that's what he would tell anyone: "all we do is fight." how do u get past this? I feel damaged..

Seren

Hi lisalittle, Welcome to SR!

I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. I don't have any experience dating someone in active addiction. It was my stepson who sent me searching on the internet one evening. I can tell you that your xbf's drinking will only get worse unless and until HE decides to make some changes for himself. He is the only one who can do the work to obtain and maintain sobriety.

An important concept I learned here and in the face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon is something called the 3C's:

I did not Cause the addiction.
I cannot Control the addict.
I cannot Cure the addict.

The sad truth is, no amount of arguing, blackmail, pleading, tears, or guilt will get someone to stop drinking. It is totally an inside job.

Please make yourself at home, read all the threads you can including the "stickies" at the top of each forum. You are among people who understand!

dollydo

Sorry that you are so stressed...might be time to let him go...all those breakups should tell you something.

Take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers. And, get to Alanon meetings, they were a lifesaver for me.

He will be an addict all his life, this is a progressive disease that has no cure, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in turmoil and unrest?

Keep reading, keep posting, we are here for you.

Lisalittle

What r stickys? What's worse is his family blames me, he has a habit of lying when we r having problems. I don't want to get back with him, I have given up my life for the past 2 years. He is the type that can have 2 beers one night, not drink for a month, and then start drinking and won't stop. He had me believing he could control it...but watching him come home every night with at least a 12 pack made me realize this is not normal.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

When you click onto the main page for Friends and Family: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

the first 14 posts (approx) listed are the "Stickies". Stickies are marked with a padlock symbol in the left column. They are older posts that have been preserved for repeated viewing because of the wisdom and information they contain.

Here is one of my favorite stickies. The steps in this post helped me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Seren

Another of our moderators has a quote in her signature that I have learned to love:

"What other people think of me is none of my business."

In other words: They are going to think what they are going to think, and they have that right. I know the truth, I did nothing wrong, and it doesn't matter what they think.

It will get better!!! Hang in there!!