Not Sure Where to Post This Maybe I shouldnt Have at All
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Not Sure Where to Post This Maybe I shouldnt Have at All
I was emotionally and verbally abused as a child and so were my siblings. They were eight of us all together.
Neither one of my parents were alcoholics, but my mother's dad was and he killed himself in his sixties. My father was physically abusive to my mother. I don't really ever remember my father hitting my mother. What I do remember is my mother locking herself in her room at times because my father got carried away when they were teasing and wrestling each other. I remember my mom crying sometimes.
My mother had an affair on and off for years and out of that affair they produced a child. I did not find out that my dad was not her father until they told me at the age of 11. I guess they were afraid that we would have found out sooner or later so they wanted it to come from them.
My mother would continue to have this affair on and off for years. The last time that I knew about it is when she brought this other man to my house after I was grown and moved out. I was probably around 23, wow young now that I think about it. I was so upset she brought this guy to my house that she even felt comfortable enough doing so. uggggggg I told my sister which she was so upset she told my dad. Well they didnt talk to my sister for probably a year for that one or me. Every time we would tell my dad something he would not believe us, and would always take my moms side. Kind of felt very betrayed by my father.
My mom was so verbally and emotionally abusive while growing up. I mean she did some really vicious things that I just can't explain. When she would get upset to the point where I guess she couldnt handle it anymore she would tell my father and he would get out his belt. Or she would just loose it sometimes she would either get a flipper or wooden spoon from the kitchen drawer and just continue to hit. I would remember having welts on my body as a young child. My father pushed me down once and I fell backwards and broke my baby finger. I know he didnt mean to break my finger but it broke.
Anyway, point to all of this. I thought for so many years that I had forgiven them as I had gotten older and had children of my own.
Thoughout these years I have seen my mom ridicule one sibling or another behind their back. She would comment on their parenting or their children. Not excluding me let me tell you. She would just take turns I guess.
I kept saying she has a good heart, she doesnt mean these things, she just says things that are stupid. I would never agree with her but I did not disagree with her or tell her to stop. I guess I was afraid if I called her out on it I would be the next person she would talk about. For some reason I was always afraid to say or do something to make her upset or angry with me. So I would just shut my mouth and listen to all the garbage. She it seems would take turns not speaking to one of her kids at all times it was someone in hot water. She didnt talk to my one sister for two years and the thing is the rest of us would be just as bad and go along with my mom and not speak to that sibling either. For that I feel so incredibly bad for going along with what my mom preaches, loyalty, honor your parents, dont let anyone speak ill of them. But yet it was okay for my mom to say and do whatever she wanted to whatever sibling she was pissed at. My father went along with whatever my mom chose, he would also not speak to that sibling or that siblings children (their grandchildren). My parents would go months, proven years without any contact at all and always blame the child.
Fast forward:
I am that child this time. I simply did not agree with them, I had my own opinion. I acted on my own opinion and I did what I thought was right.
What I did was contact my brother's daughter who was 9 years old started talking to her and invited her to my state to visit with me.
I know not as simple as that right?? My brother tried to commit suicide when my niece was three years old. My brother is still living and my parents are taking care of him he is full care. When my brother did this, my parents blamed his wife and they even accused her of doing it to my brother. My brother's wife stuck around for over a year taking care of my brother, cleaned his poop, bathed him, fed him. she was only 35 years old and couldnt do it anymore after a year. She even moved out of state to live at my parents and transported my brother to a nursing home near my parents because they had a small child and she couldnt do this alone. She couldnt do it after a year, she started talking to this man from her own state was having an online affair and I guess physical affair. To say the least she move back to her own state with their daughter, meanwhile my parents visited my brother daily at the nursing home close to their home.
They hate her for all of this. They blame her and call her a **** and everything else you can think of. My father filed papers and was legally able to make any and all decisions for my brother since he was not able to make any. My father started a divorce but I guess it was never finished because they are still married. My brother has a life insurance policy of over 100,000 dollars and received some kind of back pay for social security and my parent think that they should be entitled to all of his back pay and entitled to my brother's insurance when he passes.
I dont agree with them, I dont think his wife was the cause of his suicide attempt, I dont blame her at 35 years old for moving on with her life after all my brother did a very selfish act. I dont feel that my sister-in-law should of had to give my parents the back social security, she needed that to take care of her and their daughter. I dont feel like my sister-in-law should have to take the insurance money that she will eventually get and give it to my parents, or do what my mom says and split it between the brothers first two kids from his first marriage and their daughter together.
My mom did not even want me to keep in contact with her, she was happy that over six years had gone by and she didnt even try to contact her grandaughter. I went along with it for years. Their baby was almost three at the time. After six years I did find them on the internet, I talked to my sister-in-law and was hoping to establish a relationship enough to let her have my niece come for a visit.
While my sister-in-law stayed at my parents, she was able to see first hand how manipulative and mean my mom can be, she heard stories from my brother over the years. She fled out of state without even letting my parents know.
I did establish a relationship with her without my parents knowledge. She agreed to fly my niece in so I can see her, my niece was nine at the time. But my sister-in-law made me promise to not bring her to my parents this time, to let her get to know me and my family first and next time I could bring her to my parents. Which was easy because my parents are two hours away.
I told one of my sisters about the situation and they said you need to tell mom. I was scared to tell her because I know how she would have reacted. I told her anyways and I told her about the stipulation about her not coming to see them the first trip. My mom had a fit, she said to me YOU TELL HER THAT IS MY GRANDCHILD AND IF SHE CANT COME SEE US THAN SHE CANT COME.
wow talk about world war II starting in my family. I didnt want to loose the chance of not seeing my niece after six years of not seeing her. So I told my whole family that the trip was cancelled when it was not. My parents never found out about it. Since the visit went so well my sister-in-law decided it was okay to send her for the whole summer, this was just like a month later. My sister-in-law gave me permission to bring her up north to see my parents this time. I told my niece she could not tell grandma and grandpa that she was already here once.
That summer I had her, no one up north but one sister could manage to take the time to keep her. My parents didnt let her stay one night with them. When they did see her they were short with her, it is almost like they hated her.
My parents have been so mean to me and my whole family since this I found my niece and brought her into our lives.
You know sometimes I wish I had not because she was better off, but I know my brother would have wanted me to have had her in our lives atleast mine.
My mom would find things to get pissed at me over the last years, she would look for anything. I went to the hospital to see my brother and she started yelling at me while my brother lie in the hospital bed, telling me how disappointed she was in me because I conveyed to my sister-in-law that my brother was in the hospital not doing good and they didnt know if he was going to make it this time. My mom was so PO at me for telling her that, but you have to know that my niece had established some kind of relationship with her dad, because she was allowed to go visit him at my parents house while she was staying with my sister. After she went home, she kept calling my mom's house and my mom would not answer her calls or call her back this went on for a couple months. finally my sister-in-law called me and asked what was going on that her daughter my niece wanted to know how her dad was and no one would return her calls. So I told her that my mom has been busy and that my brother was in the hospital again, making excuses why my mom was ignoring her. My mom found out I told her he was in the hospital in critical conditions and my mom was so mad at me for telling her anything at all. She said she dont want her knowing anything, all she is waiting for is to collect my brother's insurance money.
My mom did not talk to me for over three months, finally my brother was sick in the hospital again and my youngest brother called me and told me I should call mom. I did it was very vague but we did talk, not about the issue though about non important stuff, which was good I guess. I might have talked to her one more time and than I seen her at my other nieces baby shower which was in October and she has not called me since.
This is long and if you get through this amazing.
For the most part I am okay with never speaking to her again, there has been so much hurt from her my whole life and I feel like she is so evil, but there is a part of me that is missing something from her.
I did recognize Mother's Day and sent her a card, but quite honestly I dont like her very much but I love her very much.
Thoroughly confused
Neither one of my parents were alcoholics, but my mother's dad was and he killed himself in his sixties. My father was physically abusive to my mother. I don't really ever remember my father hitting my mother. What I do remember is my mother locking herself in her room at times because my father got carried away when they were teasing and wrestling each other. I remember my mom crying sometimes.
My mother had an affair on and off for years and out of that affair they produced a child. I did not find out that my dad was not her father until they told me at the age of 11. I guess they were afraid that we would have found out sooner or later so they wanted it to come from them.
My mother would continue to have this affair on and off for years. The last time that I knew about it is when she brought this other man to my house after I was grown and moved out. I was probably around 23, wow young now that I think about it. I was so upset she brought this guy to my house that she even felt comfortable enough doing so. uggggggg I told my sister which she was so upset she told my dad. Well they didnt talk to my sister for probably a year for that one or me. Every time we would tell my dad something he would not believe us, and would always take my moms side. Kind of felt very betrayed by my father.
My mom was so verbally and emotionally abusive while growing up. I mean she did some really vicious things that I just can't explain. When she would get upset to the point where I guess she couldnt handle it anymore she would tell my father and he would get out his belt. Or she would just loose it sometimes she would either get a flipper or wooden spoon from the kitchen drawer and just continue to hit. I would remember having welts on my body as a young child. My father pushed me down once and I fell backwards and broke my baby finger. I know he didnt mean to break my finger but it broke.
Anyway, point to all of this. I thought for so many years that I had forgiven them as I had gotten older and had children of my own.
Thoughout these years I have seen my mom ridicule one sibling or another behind their back. She would comment on their parenting or their children. Not excluding me let me tell you. She would just take turns I guess.
I kept saying she has a good heart, she doesnt mean these things, she just says things that are stupid. I would never agree with her but I did not disagree with her or tell her to stop. I guess I was afraid if I called her out on it I would be the next person she would talk about. For some reason I was always afraid to say or do something to make her upset or angry with me. So I would just shut my mouth and listen to all the garbage. She it seems would take turns not speaking to one of her kids at all times it was someone in hot water. She didnt talk to my one sister for two years and the thing is the rest of us would be just as bad and go along with my mom and not speak to that sibling either. For that I feel so incredibly bad for going along with what my mom preaches, loyalty, honor your parents, dont let anyone speak ill of them. But yet it was okay for my mom to say and do whatever she wanted to whatever sibling she was pissed at. My father went along with whatever my mom chose, he would also not speak to that sibling or that siblings children (their grandchildren). My parents would go months, proven years without any contact at all and always blame the child.
Fast forward:
I am that child this time. I simply did not agree with them, I had my own opinion. I acted on my own opinion and I did what I thought was right.
What I did was contact my brother's daughter who was 9 years old started talking to her and invited her to my state to visit with me.
I know not as simple as that right?? My brother tried to commit suicide when my niece was three years old. My brother is still living and my parents are taking care of him he is full care. When my brother did this, my parents blamed his wife and they even accused her of doing it to my brother. My brother's wife stuck around for over a year taking care of my brother, cleaned his poop, bathed him, fed him. she was only 35 years old and couldnt do it anymore after a year. She even moved out of state to live at my parents and transported my brother to a nursing home near my parents because they had a small child and she couldnt do this alone. She couldnt do it after a year, she started talking to this man from her own state was having an online affair and I guess physical affair. To say the least she move back to her own state with their daughter, meanwhile my parents visited my brother daily at the nursing home close to their home.
They hate her for all of this. They blame her and call her a **** and everything else you can think of. My father filed papers and was legally able to make any and all decisions for my brother since he was not able to make any. My father started a divorce but I guess it was never finished because they are still married. My brother has a life insurance policy of over 100,000 dollars and received some kind of back pay for social security and my parent think that they should be entitled to all of his back pay and entitled to my brother's insurance when he passes.
I dont agree with them, I dont think his wife was the cause of his suicide attempt, I dont blame her at 35 years old for moving on with her life after all my brother did a very selfish act. I dont feel that my sister-in-law should of had to give my parents the back social security, she needed that to take care of her and their daughter. I dont feel like my sister-in-law should have to take the insurance money that she will eventually get and give it to my parents, or do what my mom says and split it between the brothers first two kids from his first marriage and their daughter together.
My mom did not even want me to keep in contact with her, she was happy that over six years had gone by and she didnt even try to contact her grandaughter. I went along with it for years. Their baby was almost three at the time. After six years I did find them on the internet, I talked to my sister-in-law and was hoping to establish a relationship enough to let her have my niece come for a visit.
While my sister-in-law stayed at my parents, she was able to see first hand how manipulative and mean my mom can be, she heard stories from my brother over the years. She fled out of state without even letting my parents know.
I did establish a relationship with her without my parents knowledge. She agreed to fly my niece in so I can see her, my niece was nine at the time. But my sister-in-law made me promise to not bring her to my parents this time, to let her get to know me and my family first and next time I could bring her to my parents. Which was easy because my parents are two hours away.
I told one of my sisters about the situation and they said you need to tell mom. I was scared to tell her because I know how she would have reacted. I told her anyways and I told her about the stipulation about her not coming to see them the first trip. My mom had a fit, she said to me YOU TELL HER THAT IS MY GRANDCHILD AND IF SHE CANT COME SEE US THAN SHE CANT COME.
wow talk about world war II starting in my family. I didnt want to loose the chance of not seeing my niece after six years of not seeing her. So I told my whole family that the trip was cancelled when it was not. My parents never found out about it. Since the visit went so well my sister-in-law decided it was okay to send her for the whole summer, this was just like a month later. My sister-in-law gave me permission to bring her up north to see my parents this time. I told my niece she could not tell grandma and grandpa that she was already here once.
That summer I had her, no one up north but one sister could manage to take the time to keep her. My parents didnt let her stay one night with them. When they did see her they were short with her, it is almost like they hated her.
My parents have been so mean to me and my whole family since this I found my niece and brought her into our lives.
You know sometimes I wish I had not because she was better off, but I know my brother would have wanted me to have had her in our lives atleast mine.
My mom would find things to get pissed at me over the last years, she would look for anything. I went to the hospital to see my brother and she started yelling at me while my brother lie in the hospital bed, telling me how disappointed she was in me because I conveyed to my sister-in-law that my brother was in the hospital not doing good and they didnt know if he was going to make it this time. My mom was so PO at me for telling her that, but you have to know that my niece had established some kind of relationship with her dad, because she was allowed to go visit him at my parents house while she was staying with my sister. After she went home, she kept calling my mom's house and my mom would not answer her calls or call her back this went on for a couple months. finally my sister-in-law called me and asked what was going on that her daughter my niece wanted to know how her dad was and no one would return her calls. So I told her that my mom has been busy and that my brother was in the hospital again, making excuses why my mom was ignoring her. My mom found out I told her he was in the hospital in critical conditions and my mom was so mad at me for telling her anything at all. She said she dont want her knowing anything, all she is waiting for is to collect my brother's insurance money.
My mom did not talk to me for over three months, finally my brother was sick in the hospital again and my youngest brother called me and told me I should call mom. I did it was very vague but we did talk, not about the issue though about non important stuff, which was good I guess. I might have talked to her one more time and than I seen her at my other nieces baby shower which was in October and she has not called me since.
This is long and if you get through this amazing.
For the most part I am okay with never speaking to her again, there has been so much hurt from her my whole life and I feel like she is so evil, but there is a part of me that is missing something from her.
I did recognize Mother's Day and sent her a card, but quite honestly I dont like her very much but I love her very much.
Thoroughly confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
I am so happy that I did get to know my niece and have a relationship with her. She is such a good, smart, pretty girl. She will be going to middle school next year. She has no other family besides us and her mom. I thought it was important for her to know us. I dont regret going against my mom's wishes.
Will I be able to live with myself if something happens to my mom or my dad and I have gone and they have gone now six months without speaking to me.
Will I be able to live with myself if something happens to my mom or my dad and I have gone and they have gone now six months without speaking to me.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 53
Cassey,
It is not just up to you to make your relationship with you parents work...if they don't put forth an effort as well then there is no way to make them want to be part of your life or anyone else's. Just from reading what you wrote about them, you are probably better off without them speaking to you. I wouldn't sweat it. Even though they are your parents--if they don't have not ever acted like parents to you--then it is just the title of the same genetic makeup. Nothing more!
Take care of you and if you feel the need to do something about it -- Pray!
It is not just up to you to make your relationship with you parents work...if they don't put forth an effort as well then there is no way to make them want to be part of your life or anyone else's. Just from reading what you wrote about them, you are probably better off without them speaking to you. I wouldn't sweat it. Even though they are your parents--if they don't have not ever acted like parents to you--then it is just the title of the same genetic makeup. Nothing more!
Take care of you and if you feel the need to do something about it -- Pray!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by Cassey 
Will I be able to live with myself if something happens to my mom or my dad and I have gone and they have gone now six months without speaking to me.
My daughter does not owe me anything. The respect and love she has for me is not something I can demand; it is something I earned by being a loving parent.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I thought it was important for her to know us. I dont regret going against my mom's wishes.
I am so sorry your parents were and are so despicable to you, especially about friggin' money.
LoveAllGone is right about not having a relationship with them. They have to make an effort and I do not see that happening with them, the way they are practically hovering over your brother's sick bed feels kinda creepy to me.
As a recovering mother, I am so grateful my children have forgiven me (for the most part) for my neglect as a drunk. Delighted to have an open and loving, growing friendship (they are young adults now) with them.
Enjoy your niece, have good times together you can share later in life. Leave your parents toxicity out of it. You owe them nothing.
My children owe me nothing. Nothing at all. They have lives to live of their own.
Feel like I am just jabbering now.
:ghug3
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
Thank you all for reading that long post and thank you for your responses.
I am frustrated with myself because I have this void, this emptiness, this need for my parents unconditional love and respect even if I don't agree or go along with how they feel or how they handle things. If my parents tell me no, I want to respectfully say I am sorry you feel that way but yes I am going to continue my path knowing you are not going to like it.
At 47 years old I can't accept that as part of my life anymore. I am my own person with my own thoughts, feelings, wants and needs.
I have a daughter who is 23 (next month) and a son who is 19 (next month). My daughter made some choices in her life without discussing it with me, I didnt like those choices she made, but I accepted that those were her choices and I respected her choices and told her how much I love her not matter what her choices were. I do not want to control my children.
I think my mom is still trying to control all of us in her own way, it is sad really.
I dont' want to see my parents, but I am missing and wanting my parents in a way that they will never give me. I have to let that go.
I am frustrated with myself because I have this void, this emptiness, this need for my parents unconditional love and respect even if I don't agree or go along with how they feel or how they handle things. If my parents tell me no, I want to respectfully say I am sorry you feel that way but yes I am going to continue my path knowing you are not going to like it.
At 47 years old I can't accept that as part of my life anymore. I am my own person with my own thoughts, feelings, wants and needs.
I have a daughter who is 23 (next month) and a son who is 19 (next month). My daughter made some choices in her life without discussing it with me, I didnt like those choices she made, but I accepted that those were her choices and I respected her choices and told her how much I love her not matter what her choices were. I do not want to control my children.
I think my mom is still trying to control all of us in her own way, it is sad really.
I dont' want to see my parents, but I am missing and wanting my parents in a way that they will never give me. I have to let that go.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
I read it too Cassey.
Your story is pretty familiar to me. I'm 48, & only just learning now how to be an adult & how to live life on my own terms. In my opinion, the lack of adequate nurturing & support from ones parents is one of the most devastating things that can happen to us. It has terrible life long consequences. My therapist has been successful in teaching me to "give myself the things I want from others" - especially my mother. This means finally accepting my mum will never give me the love & approval & support & encouragement & praise I want, & giving it to myself. It's hard. Very hard. But I'm doing it one baby step at a time.
Try not to get involved too much in the "he said/she said/then she did" stuff. It's just a smoke screen unhealthy people use to keep under cover the fact they are not in control of themselves or anybody/anything else & their lives are a nightmare. Try & listen to that little voice inside you that knows what the best thing to do for you is.
Your story is pretty familiar to me. I'm 48, & only just learning now how to be an adult & how to live life on my own terms. In my opinion, the lack of adequate nurturing & support from ones parents is one of the most devastating things that can happen to us. It has terrible life long consequences. My therapist has been successful in teaching me to "give myself the things I want from others" - especially my mother. This means finally accepting my mum will never give me the love & approval & support & encouragement & praise I want, & giving it to myself. It's hard. Very hard. But I'm doing it one baby step at a time.
Try not to get involved too much in the "he said/she said/then she did" stuff. It's just a smoke screen unhealthy people use to keep under cover the fact they are not in control of themselves or anybody/anything else & their lives are a nightmare. Try & listen to that little voice inside you that knows what the best thing to do for you is.
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