I'm the alcoholic, but I'm leaving her. Please help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
I'm the alcoholic, but I'm leaving her. Please help.
Hi,
I'm a 29 yo alcoholic in recovery (6 months sober after 1st trying Oct 1, 2012, sponsored, working steps, will begin to sponsor newcomers soon). My fiance and I were engaged in March, 2011 and have been together for almost 5 years.
I was a high bottom drunk who treated her poorly when he was drunk and threw lots of chaos into our relationship for about the last year of my drinking. To include verbal abuse on a number of occasions, 2 trips to the ER, wandering off into the night, and threats to end our relationship while I was at my drunkest. I don't discount these things and suffer deep remorse over them. I've come to terms with them recently by working my 5th step with my sponsor.
My fiance and I are in individual and couples therapy. She has identified abandonment issues that predate our relationship but were exacerbated by my drinking (and now my recovery). She has gone to Al-Anon 5 times in the 6 months I've been sober, but only gave it a fair, non-hateful, shake for the 1st time last week.
In the last 6 months, she's the one that has brought the crazy (I am not admitting perfection). She screams, cries, makes threats of suicide (to include putting an extraordinarily sharp kitchen knife to her arm during a fight), behaves erratically during the smallest of fights (tried to jump from the passenger seat of my moving car when I rolled her window down without 1st asking her), and makes threats or effectively ends our relationship during every fight. She is verbally abusive to an extent that, I believe based on what she has detailed to me about my drunk episodes, exceeds that of which I directed at her during my drinking. Regarding the threats of suicide and the terminations of our engagement, she tells me she was never serious, but only after I've kowtowed to her.
She was a heavy drinker during my active alcoholism, but not what I would diagnose as an alcoholic. However, she continues to drink and occasionally get drunk (quite drunk on 3-4 occasions). I admit to sending mixed messages about what is acceptable drinking on her part during the 1st 4 months, but I have been clear every since - I'd prefer she not drink at all, but could tolerate moderate and infrequent drinking in social settings. It's her right and her choice to do as she pleases, but for my partner, I need alcohol to be minimal if not absent from their lives.
I am tired of the chaos. I am tired of being held responsible for her mental health. I am tired of her suicidal threats. I am tired of being dumped (after 5 years) during every single fight. I am tired of every disagreement turning into WW3. I am tired of being blamed.
It hit the fan this morning when I came home from my 6:30 am meeting to drive us into work (a compromise of mine so that we can spend time together before we go to work). She's previously agreed to be ready by 8 am on these days, when I usually get home, so we can spend 5 min together drinking coffee and then head into work together (same hospital, different departments). She was still fast asleep at 8 am, and I asked if she could be ready soon. She blamed me for not calling to check if she was awake on my way home. I responded that her half of the bargain was to be ready by 8 am. This didn't have to be WW3. I wasn't in a hurry to get to work, but wasn't mozying about either. I was merely a bit irritated. Before I knew it she's screaming, throwing things, swearing at me, and then threatening to end our relationship (by throwing her engagement ring on the table). I finally told her that if that's what she wanted, she could have it and that I was done taking daily abuse.
I love her beyond comprehension and I feel like I'm torn in two. My heart says stay but my gut and intellect say leave.
What am I to do?
I'm a 29 yo alcoholic in recovery (6 months sober after 1st trying Oct 1, 2012, sponsored, working steps, will begin to sponsor newcomers soon). My fiance and I were engaged in March, 2011 and have been together for almost 5 years.
I was a high bottom drunk who treated her poorly when he was drunk and threw lots of chaos into our relationship for about the last year of my drinking. To include verbal abuse on a number of occasions, 2 trips to the ER, wandering off into the night, and threats to end our relationship while I was at my drunkest. I don't discount these things and suffer deep remorse over them. I've come to terms with them recently by working my 5th step with my sponsor.
My fiance and I are in individual and couples therapy. She has identified abandonment issues that predate our relationship but were exacerbated by my drinking (and now my recovery). She has gone to Al-Anon 5 times in the 6 months I've been sober, but only gave it a fair, non-hateful, shake for the 1st time last week.
In the last 6 months, she's the one that has brought the crazy (I am not admitting perfection). She screams, cries, makes threats of suicide (to include putting an extraordinarily sharp kitchen knife to her arm during a fight), behaves erratically during the smallest of fights (tried to jump from the passenger seat of my moving car when I rolled her window down without 1st asking her), and makes threats or effectively ends our relationship during every fight. She is verbally abusive to an extent that, I believe based on what she has detailed to me about my drunk episodes, exceeds that of which I directed at her during my drinking. Regarding the threats of suicide and the terminations of our engagement, she tells me she was never serious, but only after I've kowtowed to her.
She was a heavy drinker during my active alcoholism, but not what I would diagnose as an alcoholic. However, she continues to drink and occasionally get drunk (quite drunk on 3-4 occasions). I admit to sending mixed messages about what is acceptable drinking on her part during the 1st 4 months, but I have been clear every since - I'd prefer she not drink at all, but could tolerate moderate and infrequent drinking in social settings. It's her right and her choice to do as she pleases, but for my partner, I need alcohol to be minimal if not absent from their lives.
I am tired of the chaos. I am tired of being held responsible for her mental health. I am tired of her suicidal threats. I am tired of being dumped (after 5 years) during every single fight. I am tired of every disagreement turning into WW3. I am tired of being blamed.
It hit the fan this morning when I came home from my 6:30 am meeting to drive us into work (a compromise of mine so that we can spend time together before we go to work). She's previously agreed to be ready by 8 am on these days, when I usually get home, so we can spend 5 min together drinking coffee and then head into work together (same hospital, different departments). She was still fast asleep at 8 am, and I asked if she could be ready soon. She blamed me for not calling to check if she was awake on my way home. I responded that her half of the bargain was to be ready by 8 am. This didn't have to be WW3. I wasn't in a hurry to get to work, but wasn't mozying about either. I was merely a bit irritated. Before I knew it she's screaming, throwing things, swearing at me, and then threatening to end our relationship (by throwing her engagement ring on the table). I finally told her that if that's what she wanted, she could have it and that I was done taking daily abuse.
I love her beyond comprehension and I feel like I'm torn in two. My heart says stay but my gut and intellect say leave.
What am I to do?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
If I were you, I'd listen to my gut and intellect in this situation. You've done a lot to get yourself on the road to recovery, but you two are too wrapped up in each other for either party to enjoy a healthy or successful recovery from your respective issues. Your recovery is your job, her recovery is her job. Maybe intersperse those A.A. and Al-Anon meetings with a few CoDA meetings?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I call my gut feelings my inner voice. That voice has only my best interests in mind. When I have honored that voice I have found increased peacefulness and happiness. I spent many years ignoring it and paid a very high price for doing so. Ignoring it brought me to my own bottom - and not the alcoholic kind.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
The first thing that comes to mind is that you've been together for 5 years, been sober for 6 months and presumably have behaved in many of the predictable ways of an active alcoholic for the other 4 1/2. Your girlfriend surely brought baggage to the relationship too and continues to have her issues that you describe... But living with active alcoholism for 4 1/2 years is a lot for anyone... You might want to consider that some of her difficulty is not separate from the way things went down when you were drinking and treating her badly (as you admit to).
What does your sponsor say about the difficulty you are having with your girlfriend? You don't have to answer that... Just thinking that your sponsor might be able to help you...
What does your sponsor say about the difficulty you are having with your girlfriend? You don't have to answer that... Just thinking that your sponsor might be able to help you...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Get out now.. Ask yourself.. Can I build on this? Is this going to get any better just because we say we love each other.. Move on, work on yourself and let a woman who is passed all that and dealt with it come into your life.
But that is just my free advice.
AG
But that is just my free advice.
AG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
What does your sponsor say about the difficulty you are having with your girlfriend? You don't have to answer that... Just thinking that your sponsor might be able to help you...
He is extraordinarily objective and sifting out my part and her part, but offers no relationships advice.
I have spoken to and confided in our (my fiance and I) mutual close friend since my original post. She told me that she saw this coming, loves us both, but that it seams like we've exhausted all options.
It breaks my heart to do this because I love her so much.
To add insult to injury, we bought a cat together, but she legally owns him because she signed the paperwork. His name is Calvin he's been my best little friend throughout my recovery. I'm happy we got him because he'll always have a good home no matter what, but I am going to miss my buddy so much.
Thanks for all of your help and support. It truly is empowering and it is appreciated.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
The focus should be on recovery and taking the steps. If a significant other impedes that, then you have to do what you have to do to stay sober.
"My heart says stay but my gut and intellect say leave." There you go. The "gut feeling" is usually the "unsuspected inner resource" described in the BB (pg 567-568). The BB also says that "when agitated or doubtful", we pause and ask for the right thought or action (bottom of pg 86 and bottom of pg 87). In our decision in step 3, we turn will (thoughts) and lives (actions) over to HP. That means the relationship issues, too. We don't take our problems to HP, we apply our HP to our problems and let HP guide us. They will work themselves out. The answers will come.
"the Big Book suggests that we do not willingly make changes to existing relationships in the 1st year of recovery." Please provide the page numbers(s) for this citation.
My step-father, when he got out of rehab 20 years ago, was told to stay put in his rotten marriage until 1 year sober. He did. But in the meantime, he moved out and got separated. On his one-year sober birthday, he filed for divorce. He met and married my mother 2 years later. They are happy and in love. The moral to the story? He followed the directions of his sponsor and protected his sobriety at the same time.
("no major changes for a year" is rehab-ese, not BB. Once a person has the tools and has taken the steps, he is a free man. Year-schmear. IMO)
Good luck.
"My heart says stay but my gut and intellect say leave." There you go. The "gut feeling" is usually the "unsuspected inner resource" described in the BB (pg 567-568). The BB also says that "when agitated or doubtful", we pause and ask for the right thought or action (bottom of pg 86 and bottom of pg 87). In our decision in step 3, we turn will (thoughts) and lives (actions) over to HP. That means the relationship issues, too. We don't take our problems to HP, we apply our HP to our problems and let HP guide us. They will work themselves out. The answers will come.
"the Big Book suggests that we do not willingly make changes to existing relationships in the 1st year of recovery." Please provide the page numbers(s) for this citation.
My step-father, when he got out of rehab 20 years ago, was told to stay put in his rotten marriage until 1 year sober. He did. But in the meantime, he moved out and got separated. On his one-year sober birthday, he filed for divorce. He met and married my mother 2 years later. They are happy and in love. The moral to the story? He followed the directions of his sponsor and protected his sobriety at the same time.
("no major changes for a year" is rehab-ese, not BB. Once a person has the tools and has taken the steps, he is a free man. Year-schmear. IMO)
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
Its hard for me to read your post because I am in the situation of your girlfriend. I went through years of emotion, verbal and physical abuse and I am doing all I can to heal while my husband was in recovery and now that he had 8 mos sober he expects me to be perfect. He isn't working his steps and isn't being empathetic or compassionate. I try to let him know although I'm so proud of his 8 months, there were years before that will take time to heal.
She is a human being who was affected by your disease. The cycle of chaos was normal and you can disengage at any time. Don't give up on her if she's trying to get help. She didn't give up on you.
She is a human being who was affected by your disease. The cycle of chaos was normal and you can disengage at any time. Don't give up on her if she's trying to get help. She didn't give up on you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 8
I find that when my AH is going through a good patch, ie not drinking for a while, my anger at what we have been through comes to the surface at the most peculiar and inappropriate times.
I am scared of getting too close. I also get frustrated with myself - it is not rational but its true - as he seems to be getting better and when I should be rejoicing, which is what I would like to be doing, I get grubby instead. I think it is because I don't like myself very much for thinking such negative thoughts about the person I love. It is self pity I guess - quite natural and I'm letting off steam, albeit inappropriately. At times like this it would help me if he could just listen for a short while and then give me a hug and say 'its going to be all right'.
In the absence of hugs, I hope we can give each other the space to shake off some of the awful stuff (as I type this I am imagining a dog coming out of water - and taking a step back to avoid getting splashed!). I hope that we find our love and laughter before too long.
BIG Congratulations on all you have achieved - sounds like you are doing really well.
I am scared of getting too close. I also get frustrated with myself - it is not rational but its true - as he seems to be getting better and when I should be rejoicing, which is what I would like to be doing, I get grubby instead. I think it is because I don't like myself very much for thinking such negative thoughts about the person I love. It is self pity I guess - quite natural and I'm letting off steam, albeit inappropriately. At times like this it would help me if he could just listen for a short while and then give me a hug and say 'its going to be all right'.
In the absence of hugs, I hope we can give each other the space to shake off some of the awful stuff (as I type this I am imagining a dog coming out of water - and taking a step back to avoid getting splashed!). I hope that we find our love and laughter before too long.
BIG Congratulations on all you have achieved - sounds like you are doing really well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i am seeing a crapload of talk about her and she. whats your part in it? why ya lettin it happen? the program teaches us our troubles are of our own making and an alcoholic is an example of self will run riot. time to grow some and put the light on yourself.
your sponsor sounds like a good one, although i disagree with the relationship changes in the 1st year. ya may want to have him show you where it says that, because i see where it says seperation may be necessary.
sobriety and life isnt about other people. we must look in the mirror and look at oursleves.
chaos and drama can be an addiction, too. but the steps work for that too.
your sponsor sounds like a good one, although i disagree with the relationship changes in the 1st year. ya may want to have him show you where it says that, because i see where it says seperation may be necessary.
sobriety and life isnt about other people. we must look in the mirror and look at oursleves.
chaos and drama can be an addiction, too. but the steps work for that too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Congratulations on six months. In the same way we're powerless over alcohol, we're powerless over other people. It sounds like a toxic relationship to me; I would certainly leave if someone was saying abusive things -- that is healthy self care.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
My suggestion would be go with your gut feeling. Look at your part in it. You can't change other people, only how you react to it.
I don't know where you are on your steps, but have you made amends to her? You don't have to answer that, just something to think about.
I don't know where you are on your steps, but have you made amends to her? You don't have to answer that, just something to think about.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 19
Im in the same place as you Sweetteewalls 
except my ABF moved out and Im trying to hold on while he goes thru counselling.
Unfortunately he is relapsing all the time while in therapy and he isnt be completely honest when he posts on SR either!
But in the meantime, Im getting support for my 'anger issues' so that if he returns to the family I can be a support for him and not slide him back to the old ways.
except my ABF moved out and Im trying to hold on while he goes thru counselling.Unfortunately he is relapsing all the time while in therapy and he isnt be completely honest when he posts on SR either!
But in the meantime, Im getting support for my 'anger issues' so that if he returns to the family I can be a support for him and not slide him back to the old ways.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi
and congrats on the 6 months.
I was also in your girlfriends situation, except I was married for 25 years. So I can only speak from what I know of, and how I reacted.
I am also an alcoholic. Sober since 8/2011. Divorced 12/2010.
My reasons for drinking when I was married was because I could not take it anymore. Was actually hospitalized for a possible suicide attempt. I really wasn't trying to commit suicide, I just wanted to sleep.
My ex would just assume that if he just disappeared for about a month or so, that everything should be ok, he actually would say to me, well we haven't fought in a month, why are you so pissed off?
I was also accused of jumping out of moving cars. I didn't. I would try to talk to him in the car, and I would get the silent treatment. I would then ask him to stop the car, and I would get out, it didn't matter where I was, how close or how far from home, just couldn't deal with being ignored.
My ex was verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive to me. It took me 22 years of marriage before I finally snapped. I no longer cared if he went at me verbally, or physically. I just got as crazy as he was. I knew he was too strong and too big for me to attack him physically, so "I" would tell him to stop, while holding a knife to my own veins.
All I wanted was for the pain to go away, to know and to feel that he loved me. But now he was calling me crazy. My ex was also an alcoholic.
So please, before you do anything that you regret, really look at your part in things. There would never be a WW3 without 2 participants.
And of course, I can be totally wrong about all of the above. But first look at yourself. Be that sweet loving man that she first met. Make amends to her, reassure her of your love for her, then keep your side of the street clean.
If nothing changes, then nothing changes. If it does, then it does. Do not have a defeatist attitude, that just causes problems.
The times that I was the most upset, was when my ex was sober. Why? Because I thought that I could talk to him, but I still wasn't able to. He had this really big need to blame me, and if I tried to talk to him, well.............. guess where that went, and then, guess where I went........................(to the bottle).
So take what you can, and leave the rest. This is my story. I don't know you, and I can't judge your situation, only you can.
and congrats on the 6 months.
I was also in your girlfriends situation, except I was married for 25 years. So I can only speak from what I know of, and how I reacted.
I am also an alcoholic. Sober since 8/2011. Divorced 12/2010.
My reasons for drinking when I was married was because I could not take it anymore. Was actually hospitalized for a possible suicide attempt. I really wasn't trying to commit suicide, I just wanted to sleep.
My ex would just assume that if he just disappeared for about a month or so, that everything should be ok, he actually would say to me, well we haven't fought in a month, why are you so pissed off?
I was also accused of jumping out of moving cars. I didn't. I would try to talk to him in the car, and I would get the silent treatment. I would then ask him to stop the car, and I would get out, it didn't matter where I was, how close or how far from home, just couldn't deal with being ignored.
My ex was verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive to me. It took me 22 years of marriage before I finally snapped. I no longer cared if he went at me verbally, or physically. I just got as crazy as he was. I knew he was too strong and too big for me to attack him physically, so "I" would tell him to stop, while holding a knife to my own veins.
All I wanted was for the pain to go away, to know and to feel that he loved me. But now he was calling me crazy. My ex was also an alcoholic.
So please, before you do anything that you regret, really look at your part in things. There would never be a WW3 without 2 participants.
And of course, I can be totally wrong about all of the above. But first look at yourself. Be that sweet loving man that she first met. Make amends to her, reassure her of your love for her, then keep your side of the street clean.
If nothing changes, then nothing changes. If it does, then it does. Do not have a defeatist attitude, that just causes problems.
The times that I was the most upset, was when my ex was sober. Why? Because I thought that I could talk to him, but I still wasn't able to. He had this really big need to blame me, and if I tried to talk to him, well.............. guess where that went, and then, guess where I went........................(to the bottle).
So take what you can, and leave the rest. This is my story. I don't know you, and I can't judge your situation, only you can.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I am torn on this one. You haven't been sober for long (but congrats on that - it is a real accomplishment) and she has 6 years of crap going on in her head that she needs some time to deal with too.
Alcoholism is a family disease. While you are feeling better and more grounded now that you have found sobriety, she is struggling. She may be acting like a total nut case and being very difficult to live with right now, and I don't blame you for questioning the future of this relationship. But maybe instead of simply bailing on her, how about setting some firm boundaries regarding the way she treats you, and then model those to her? Treat her the way you expect to be treated? Give her the time you would want her to give you...she already gave 6 years...why only 6 months for you?
Alcoholism is a family disease. While you are feeling better and more grounded now that you have found sobriety, she is struggling. She may be acting like a total nut case and being very difficult to live with right now, and I don't blame you for questioning the future of this relationship. But maybe instead of simply bailing on her, how about setting some firm boundaries regarding the way she treats you, and then model those to her? Treat her the way you expect to be treated? Give her the time you would want her to give you...she already gave 6 years...why only 6 months for you?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Your 6 months of sobriety are really good. That said, its still pretty new & in your post theres a lot of focus on your girlfriends issues & i wonder if thats where your focus should be? I also wonder whether her perspective on her issues is different than yours. Id be willing to bet yes. 6 yrs of living w addiction is a lot to live with & I just hope you're aware of that. She may have lots of issues but you undoubtedly contributed in some way to them. It doesn't mean you owe her or the r/s anything but I feel like that is something I needed to say. You've been sober 6 months. She lived w active addiction for 6 yrs. That's a lot for anyone.
One of the best things I've gotten from al anon is the reminder that as expectations go up so do resentments. Have you asked yourself if you have expectations of your girlfriend that you feel she's not meeting? It's fair to expect things in a r/s & if you can't get what you need then it seems it's a wise move to move on. Seems to me whe stayed in a r/s where she didn't get her expectations met for quite some time & that didn't lead to anything good for either of you
One of the best things I've gotten from al anon is the reminder that as expectations go up so do resentments. Have you asked yourself if you have expectations of your girlfriend that you feel she's not meeting? It's fair to expect things in a r/s & if you can't get what you need then it seems it's a wise move to move on. Seems to me whe stayed in a r/s where she didn't get her expectations met for quite some time & that didn't lead to anything good for either of you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Thank you for your post, and congratulations on your six months of sobriety!
I think your post drives home for me again why they call alcoholism a family disease. Clearly, you are not the only one in this relationship who is sick and in need of recovery.
But what the wiser folks above me said is obviously true for an alcoholic as well as for a codie: You can only take responsible for your own recovery; you are not responsible for another person's behavior; an explanation for a behavior is not an excuse; and last but not least: Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
You have the same right as all of us to set boundaries. And with six months of sobriety, I would probably choose to focus on solidly establishing my own recovery and make sure that can happen in an environment that is as stress-free as possible.
I think your post drives home for me again why they call alcoholism a family disease. Clearly, you are not the only one in this relationship who is sick and in need of recovery.
But what the wiser folks above me said is obviously true for an alcoholic as well as for a codie: You can only take responsible for your own recovery; you are not responsible for another person's behavior; an explanation for a behavior is not an excuse; and last but not least: Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
You have the same right as all of us to set boundaries. And with six months of sobriety, I would probably choose to focus on solidly establishing my own recovery and make sure that can happen in an environment that is as stress-free as possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Well, this may work out well for both
To follow up, nothing happened as I expected. For all who replied, and for my own accountability, here is the story.
I consulted with my sponsor and some of my supports and made the decision the end the relationship. She was devastated. She even went as far as to smash our glass coffee table into a thousand pieces and she said some very, very hurtful things.
She stayed with friends and I stayed with my sponsor and supports over the next week. We met with our couples therapist to go over the logistics of terminating our relationship, and then a (rather a few) funny things happened. I started to recognize where I was wrong and she started to really own the craziness and chaos she'd brought to our relationship. She began attending Al-Anon meetings and found what seams to be a great sponsor. I'm really proud of her and believe her intent to resolve her end of things is earnest.
We have agreed to live separately for the summer and to call off our engagement, indefinitely. Essentially, we're attempting to enter a trial separation with structured boundaries. We've both come to recognize how utterly co-dependent we both were/are and understand that we really need to set firm boundaries and define ourselves as individuals before we can function as a couple. She has really been working her Al-Anon program and I'm very proud of her.
Unfortunately, I relapsed over the weekend. It wasn't an all-out crashing off the wagon though. I missed a single meeting, called my sponsor within 24 hours, and received my surrender token on within 36 hours. I am still shocked, frankly, because it just seemed in that moment that I went from devoutly sober to relapsing so quickly. My sponsor and I completed a relapse inventory and I've identified the parts of my program that are lacking. No surprise, it seams that I was too reliant on her and had begun disconnecting from my program whilst attending daily meetings. Fortunately, I was able to not let it go to far and avoided behaving regretfully during the relapse. My now ex-fiance responded gracefully and offered support, kindness, and sympathy where it was not self-sacrificing.
It seams that the separation may be the long-term catalyst that was needed to whip us both into shape.
Rather than wallow in self-pity, I'm picking myself up and immersing in my own recovery and providing myself with accountability from within the AA fellowship.
It then seams that we both have a lot of work to do on our own recovery programs and the time apart should be really valuable. It also seams that I have a LOT to learn and am far more vulnerable to relapse than my misplaced confidence would have led me to believe. My disease is a lot more cunning, baffling, and powerful than I was giving it credit for and I'm bound determined to take the actions required to stay sober. As a friend of mine says, "I'm sober, but my disease is waiting outside in the parking lot, and it's doing pushups.".
With some luck and a lot of hard work and the help of my higher power, I'll be able to share the story of my successful recovery as well as my journey forward with this woman whom I love and care for deeply.
Thank you for your input and continued support. Take care.
I consulted with my sponsor and some of my supports and made the decision the end the relationship. She was devastated. She even went as far as to smash our glass coffee table into a thousand pieces and she said some very, very hurtful things.
She stayed with friends and I stayed with my sponsor and supports over the next week. We met with our couples therapist to go over the logistics of terminating our relationship, and then a (rather a few) funny things happened. I started to recognize where I was wrong and she started to really own the craziness and chaos she'd brought to our relationship. She began attending Al-Anon meetings and found what seams to be a great sponsor. I'm really proud of her and believe her intent to resolve her end of things is earnest.
We have agreed to live separately for the summer and to call off our engagement, indefinitely. Essentially, we're attempting to enter a trial separation with structured boundaries. We've both come to recognize how utterly co-dependent we both were/are and understand that we really need to set firm boundaries and define ourselves as individuals before we can function as a couple. She has really been working her Al-Anon program and I'm very proud of her.
Unfortunately, I relapsed over the weekend. It wasn't an all-out crashing off the wagon though. I missed a single meeting, called my sponsor within 24 hours, and received my surrender token on within 36 hours. I am still shocked, frankly, because it just seemed in that moment that I went from devoutly sober to relapsing so quickly. My sponsor and I completed a relapse inventory and I've identified the parts of my program that are lacking. No surprise, it seams that I was too reliant on her and had begun disconnecting from my program whilst attending daily meetings. Fortunately, I was able to not let it go to far and avoided behaving regretfully during the relapse. My now ex-fiance responded gracefully and offered support, kindness, and sympathy where it was not self-sacrificing.
It seams that the separation may be the long-term catalyst that was needed to whip us both into shape.
Rather than wallow in self-pity, I'm picking myself up and immersing in my own recovery and providing myself with accountability from within the AA fellowship.
It then seams that we both have a lot of work to do on our own recovery programs and the time apart should be really valuable. It also seams that I have a LOT to learn and am far more vulnerable to relapse than my misplaced confidence would have led me to believe. My disease is a lot more cunning, baffling, and powerful than I was giving it credit for and I'm bound determined to take the actions required to stay sober. As a friend of mine says, "I'm sober, but my disease is waiting outside in the parking lot, and it's doing pushups.".
With some luck and a lot of hard work and the help of my higher power, I'll be able to share the story of my successful recovery as well as my journey forward with this woman whom I love and care for deeply.
Thank you for your input and continued support. Take care.
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