ceeceeharley19

Hello, I am new to the group. I met a wonderful man a few months back. We texted each other everyday, and made plans to go for dinner, and then he pulled away. I told him I was confused, had I done something wrong, he said no, I, meaning him confuses himself. He is in AA, And believe he has been for over 10 years maybe more. I don't push, when it comes to him talking about it. He came over to my house one night, and told me that he killed his best friend, he was the driver and he was drunk. I didn't judge him, cause many a night I drove home drunk with friends in the car and it could have been me. but it wasn't me, it was him, and I am assuming, he will beat himself up everyday cause he lived. Or maybe I am wrong, I am not sure how he deals with this in AA. He is very dedicated, he goes to his meeting, he volunteers at a Rehab and gives back to the community a great deal. He works 7 days a week, and has several thriving businesses. He is a good man, but he is very distant with me all of a sudden. I know he likes me, but is it that he feels he doesn't deserve anything after the accident? He is 43, never married and has no kids. I don't want to try and FIX him, all I want to do and say the right things. I have my own demons, we all do. In my heart, it was a terrible accident, and I hope he has started to forgive himself. I have no idea how to approach him, was wondering if someone could help me, so I don't say or do the wrong thing. I have read that his RECOVERY is his, not mine. His Recovery comes first. I understand that, and would never jeopardize that. I just want to be able to be there for him, and let him know ppl care about him and he could be loved if he wanted to be. Thank you, for all and any input.

changeschoices

All I can say is, he may have more problems than having killed his best friend. It doesn't apply to all people, of course, but a man in his 40s who's never been married, has no kids, and gets close and then runs away...is probably not a good catch. If you can manage to catch him. I would find out a whole lot more about his relationship history, and not from him. From his family and friends.

I just broke it off with a commitment phobic 41 year old alcoholic, also never married and no kids, and a runner. He has two broken engagements under his belt, has abandoned two single mothers with kids, and in recent years has started being promiscuous (having sex with total strangers). I didn't know any of this when we started dating; I only found about it a ways in because one of his friends told me. Yuck.

Also, your guy may be a workaholic. Healthy people who are financially stable know the importance of taking regular time off. Every week.

It sounds like you are already starting to get wound up in HIS feelings, HIS past, HIS current way of dealing with things. Why do you feel worried about saying and doing the right things? It's not your cross to bear, it's his.

He is telling you about himself. He pulled away and left you hurt and confused. He admitted he is confused. If the relationship is starting like this, it will most likely continue like this. He is 43 years old, I'm sure he knows he could be loved if he wanted to. It sounds like he doesn't have a lot to offer in that department, though.

Seren

Hi CeeCee, Welcome to SR!

This is a great place filled with people who 'get it' and understand exactly what you are going through.

You sound a bit like I used to be in my younger days. Oh, how I loved a "wounded soul" so that I could be his angel and rescue him. It was more about me than about any man.

He may be a great guy, but he sounds as though he has very serious problems beyond his alcoholism. In my experience, it is difficult to have a great relationship, or any relationship for that matter, with someone who cannot be emotionally open, honest, and available.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is to offer him your friendship without any romantic attachments.

Pull up a chair, make yourself comfortable, and read, read, read! Learn all you can about addiction and recovery. We are here all the time!

HG

akrasia

Dear ceecee,

I'm not sure from your post whether this is someone you're dating or someone whom you want to date? You mention that he's been over your house and that you once had plans for dinner, which he cancelled, but otherwise lots of texts.

In any case, who knows why he's pulled away? For whatever reason he's not ready to have a relationship. There's not really anything you can do about that. It could be because of his baggage, but that's his deal to work out, not yours.

Maybe in the future things will change for him, who knows. I recommend going out on other dates in the meantime!

tabatha

Unless he decides to let you in on why he's been distant or why he pulls away there's not much of anything you can do or say - or not say really. He's 43 years old and has been sober for 10 years and in recovery. He most probably knows by now what he's dealing with and is aware of his patterns in relationships. The fact he hasn't been married by now or hasn't lived with someone in a long term committed arrangement gives a clue in my opinion that he may not be capable of having a healthy normal relationship. I wouldn't worry about saying the wrong thing or how to approach him. Be yourself and do what you normally do. His reactions are his to own not yours.

tomsteve

i am a recovering alcoholic who has also killed a man while drunk. i believe you ARE assuming he beats himself up every day. it is a demon. it pops up, but i dont kick my as* over it any more and i hope he doesnt either.
i am 43 years old and never married( man, were those women smart to say no!!) i never really had a clue how to have a relationship with a woman, or anyone else for that matter.i have been in a relationship with an amazing woman now for about 3 years. she is also in recovery. we both have flaws. we both have choices: if we break out the magnifying mind and focus on them flaws, they will get bigger. but we work at not doing that and accepting each other for who we are and focus ont he qualities. the more i focus on my baby dolls qualities, the bigger they get!
i learned that " the courage to change" in the serenity prayer meant not that i should change her, but i should change myself and learn to accept her as she is. i also learned that the higher my expectations of her( or anyone else) the lower my serenity. get rid of expectations, and my serenity level rises.

FindingJoy

My ExAB is 47 no kids never married, wonderful super Codie mommy, he is good looking, smart, sweet when he wants to be etc....

In couples Thearpy it came out that he doesn't feel he deserves love so he pushes people away when they get too close.

Wondering if fear of intimacy is common with addicts??

NYCDoglvr

I've been sober for 20 years so I can say this: it doesn't matter how long someone is sober, recovering alcoholics have big problems with relationships. This guy is clearly signalling he's not up for a relationship. I hope you move on and find a terrific guy. But this person isn't it.

ceeceeharley19

Thank you everyone. I have read all your replies and agree with you all. Thank you for taking the time out to lend some helping words. At least I have a new FRIEND.