EmmyG

My AH seems to be on some kind of downward spiral mentally. He has been drinking a lot for a couple of weeks, and I know he tends to do cocaine when he binges. He is all over the place. I thought he was sober when I spoke to him earlier today, but now I'm thinking he's under the influence of something. I'm at my parents' house with our kids. I don't feel that it's a good idea to turn my phone off because it will make him really angry. I did that the other day and I have several threatening voice mails from him. I can't let someone in this state near my children, but I'm afraid if I go get an attorney, there is a possibility he would hurt me. I'm not quite sure what he's capable of anymore. I don't want to be tortured by him for the rest of my life and I want to protect my children from hi craziness. He has never been abusive toward them, but I don't know if he's going to be doing this on a regular basis. I am really worried I have so many regrets. I didn't think it would end up here.

Zoenob

Emmy, take a deep breath. Your thoughts need a break. You need sleep. Breath.

You are allowing him to hold you hostage. You deserve better. You can do this. You are not alone.

EmmyG

I am so tired, you're right. I feel so alone and afraid of what the future holds. I'm going to try to sleep. I feel like maybe my kids will be worse off now, but I know that's not true. This just feels like a nightmare.

Zoenob

I will be awake for a while. Let me worry about it for you tonight. You get some rest. This is hard but you are being very strong. You wouldn't be here if you weren't.

EmmyG

Thanks for your kindness. I've given him so much and his cruelty hurts so bad. I feel so much hurt. I'm cuddling my baby boy and hoping this will get better and hoping I can protect him and his brother from this pain.

akrasia

Very considerate of him to leave voicemails. Makes it easy for the judge to issue a restraining order.

Threatening their mom counts.

This is the kind of situation that DV centres are made for. It is not right for him to terrorise you just because you're married.

You're right that the threats can escalate when the victims starts to get help. But the DV people know that too. Good luck to you.

Zoenob

I've been there. I felt like I was suffocating. It will get better. Just keep moving forward.

Hold your son. Rub his hair. Hum to him. Smell him. Kiss his sweet hands. It's still Mother's Day. You are a good Mom, enjoy your child. He is safe Emmy! He is in his Mother's arms.

(((((Hugs)))))

EmmyG

You're right. I just got a horrible text from him calling me a name. I know it's not true. This baby is a gift, he's the sweetest child. He looks like a little angel. He's trying to walk lately and he dances to music. I love them both so much. I have to keep my focus on them and do my best to keep them from this situation.

AndreaB

Darling Emmy, I am so sorry that you are going through this, and it looks very bleak right now, but in the end, you and your children are going to be fine and will be better because of it. Right now, your head is swimming because you are watching the life that you had planned for yourself and your children dissolve before your eyes. It is terrifying.

Fortunately, you have your parent's support and it is better that it is happening now, then to continue to expose yourself to additional abuse. Abuse wears you down. And even if your children are not abused by your husband, they will feel the effects and might eventually lose respect for you. That's the worse. It breaks my heart, when I meet a spouse who has tolerated years of abuse for the sake of the children and then, in the end, the children have no respect for the abused parent because he or she allowed themselves to be a doormat.

So my dear, I am sorry. I went through the exact same thing. The night I realized that my marriage was not going to work and I was on my own with the children, was the absolute worst night of my life. But that was years ago, and after that initial shock and a few set backs, I thrived. I got to stop walking on eggshells!

You will need help and support, so ask for it. But, first, take a breath (as suggested by others), and don't do anything sudden or extreme. Just coast for a bit. There's no place to rush to right now.

This seems to be a great place for support. Use it.

My thoughts are with you.

Zoenob

Keep the focus on you. You are no good to them if you don't take care of you first. Just ignore the text. Turn the phone off or just the volume if that will make you rest better. Now get back to that little Angel.

EmmyG

Thank you so much Zoenob and Andrea. I am so grateful that someone is listening. I hold back when I talk to anyone because of course I don't want them to know the extent of it. But I just feel like I'm dealing with this all by myself. It really helps to talk about it.

It is really sad and devastating to realize it's totally over. I can't go back ever again. It just hurts and it's so confusing because literally a couple of weeks ago, before this binge, he was behaving like a normal person and telling me what a wonderful person I was.

My aunt came to visit this last weekend and she just left her husband recently. She told me not to be her. She's 55 and spent 30 years with him. She said her daughters resent her now. My cousins are so messed up from it. I won't do it to my boys or myself. She drinks herself to sleep every night.

When did my life become a lifetime movie? Surreal.

Zoenob

You don't have to hold back here. Get it all out. It feels good to let it out. Every time I talk about it, it gets easier to breath. Like each word and worry is a small anchor keeping me down. Just keep trudging forward.

Seren

Hi Emmy,

How scary! I'm glad you are at your parents' house right now. I hope you will consider keeping any and all evidence of his behavior to file a temporary restraining order against him. What he is doing is abusive....and the most dangerous time for any woman is when she leaves the relationship she had with a controlling man.

Please consider keeping these numbers handy and call them at any time. These lines are staffed by trained counselors who can advise you.

This "stickie" also contains a lot of great information about staying safe.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

I'm sorry you have not been sleeping well. I hope that you will be able to take a nap sometime today?! Hug those beautiful children...it will get better!!

dollydo

Try not to obsess or project into the future, neither serves any useful purpose.

Keep his messages, give them to your attorney, let your attorney handle it. If necessary you can get a restraining order against him.

wanttobehealthy

It won't get better unless you take steps (that I was afraid to do too) to make it better for you and your boys. Being at your parents is great. I am worried for your safety though after reading this thread.

Not turning off your phone bc of fear he will be mad? Not seeing a lawyer bc of fear he will retaliate.

Call the local Dom Viol shelter and ask for help filing an ex parte order of relief. Your AH has left threatening voicemails for you and a judge WILL surely grant a RO based on your fear.

When I have been in your shoes I've thought that if I just gave it time and let AH cool off and calm down it would be okay. I thought that taking steps to protect myself would anger him and make it worse. By the time I DID finally take steps to protect myself he was so far out of control and feeling so entitled to control and abuse me that things got worse than I could have imagined.

I wish I would have done just as folks are suggesting to you now, when they were first suggested to me. I had the same fears as you, I wanted to just make things calm and safe for my girls and I and I still clung to a little bit of hope that AH would get better and we could be a family. I didn't put myself and my girls first because I worried that if I did it would wreck any chance of being that family if I involved the courts/police etc...

I regret it all.

Please take care of yourself and your boys. Turn off your phone at the very least. He is trying to scare and control you and I know the fear you feel is very real, but you haven't done anything wrong and you have every right and an obligation even to yourself and your kids to protect yourself.

Zoenob

Emmy,

Aren't you a paralegal? Is there an Attorney at your work that can record and keep a record of all these texts and messages? Don't be afraid to tell them what is going, I would be surprised if they didn't already know. Maybe they could do some Pro Bono work for you.

NewbieJ

I just said this last week to a friend. We must be going back to back.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are STRONG and as others have said, we all need sleep and to give ourselves rest and a break. Easy does it - one day at a time. You and your children are the priority, yes?

Have you been attending al-anon meetings?