greynblue

This has been a rough holiday season for me.
I don't kow where to start. My mom has been an alcoholic for about six years. It has been better for me since I have moved out, but most of my existance growing up has been being there for my mom. For a long time it was just her and me before she remarried. Actually, sometimes it seems worse since I have left because now it feels like she doesn't even have me.
What she doesn't seem to know is that I feel like I am the only one that is rooting for her, that is on her side. We went out to dinner the other night, after xmas, and she proceeds to order beer...tells me to take my time, and "why do we have to be in a hurry"....basically she wants to get as much liquid in her before food so she can maximize her buzz. She then tells me that she's grateful for my time, seeing as I must have nothing better to do if I was sitting there with her. She thus begins dumping her strife, but when I begin to say something, she almost yells at me that its not about me, its about her, she just needs friend, and knows that I don't care. I'm astounded. I didn't know she had so much animosity built up towards me. So, I just sat there and listened. I didn't say another word. The approach seems to help because she thanked me for days later about being there for her. Its just so hard, because I call her all the time and feel like I'm always there for her. She has gotten less and less logical over the years. She's gained a lot of weight. She doesn't stand up straight. When I look at pictures from five years ago she looks like she's aged like ten yeas since then. She looks like shes dying, inside and out. And it kills me. When I'm home I see myself acting like a person I'm not. I get sassy and smarty. I can't save her or my family at home who are also dealing with it. I'm scared my step-dad will leave her. I'm scared that when she finds out I am not moving home for grad school she will emotionally cut me off again. She's drunk everytime I go home. I have so many strories over the years I wouldn't even know where to begin. I guess one 'thread' at a time.

gracie

Gosh, Grey - I could feel the weight of your sadness in your words. I feel incredibly sad that you feel this is your burden. There is little that I can say to you besides this: You didn't cause her alcoholism, you can't control it and you didn't cause it, not in that particular order. I have learned first hand what a nasty, selfish disease this is and your survival is imperative. I think it's wonderful that you are there to listen to your mother and be a friend to her but I also think it will wear you out, as it obviously is doing - I don't know how open your communication is with her or if she recognizes she has a drinking problem but I do know that there is a saying somewhere across this board that says: Many a loved one have enabled a person to their grave.. something to that effect. So, while she may like to have a sympathetic ear, in the end, this might not helping her in the long run. It's hard to lovingly detach but it's crucial to our sanity and our health. Family members are often times as ill as the addict in a very different, but no less damaging way. My advice to you is to seek out an Al Anon meeting. There you can receive the support you need and some much required comfort and acceptance. Good luck to you and keep coming back for support. This site is what got me started, gave me awareness and helped me to begin taking care of myself. What followed was nothing short of a miracle and I am pleased to say my husband is now home from rehab and on his way to an AA meeting as we speak.
This website and it's loving members are a God send.

Jeff_C

Growing "old" gracefully is a feat in itself. Growing old gracefully while an alcoholic, an impossibility. I have a friend in the "program whose mother was dying. Since his residence was somewhat removed from hers. He did what he could by phone, and traveled occasionally to physically help her out as best he could while maintaining his obligations to his family, and of course his recovery.

As time passed and the pressures mounted finally he went to his sponsor and "dumped". His sponsor, a wise ol' bird, sober some thirty odd years, and a man I count among my friends was heard to tell him the following. "Your Mother's passing is between her and God. What you see fit to do, or not to do, is between you and God. Don't get confused".

Alanon is specifically oriented for those folks associated with alcoholics, whether they are recovering or not. It is formulated to treat "our" dis-ease, which often can be loosely defined by our relationship with that alcoholic.. although treatment of that alone will have both far reaching and profound affects upon life as we know it, in ALL our relationships.

Find a meeting and attend. Bring what you find back here and kick it around. This is a wonderful adjunct to an active program of recovery , but make no mistake. In and of itself it does not constitute one. Some good suggestions in the messages above, All the best to ya.

greynblue

Thank you both. You taking the time out of your day to write such incouraging words was almost painful for me. Your words of incouragement and wisdom meant A LOT. I WILL seek out an al-anon meeting locally. Again, thank you.

pumuckl

Greynblue:

I just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you should never hesitate to jot down your feelings here or in a meeting. Other people in your shoes benefit as much from you as you do from them. It's a two-way street, and there are lots of people like us out there, unfortunately.

Your family is lucky to have you, and "detaching" doesn't mean that you are abandoning them. You are simply making sure that your mother's alcoholism doesn't kill you along with her, which it will do if you let it. You will never be able to fix your mom, as you have figured out by now. But you can help yourself. And you are.

Pumuckl

Gabe

I love that phrase. That is EXACTLY what my mother does on a constant basis. It's a shame that people like this can't take time out to count their blessings and be grateful for the good things in their lives. But they seem consumed with spinning their webs of doom and gloom. All my life, my mother has taught me one lesson. And that is "how NOT to be". She is currently teaching me how NOT to be when I get older.
Thank God for the generous, loving, festive good spirit that was my Father. He is the one who taught me how to be a good person and a good parent.
Peace,
Gabe

SNICKERS

WILL SOMEONE TEACH A STUPID BLONDE ,THAT HAS NO BUSINESS BEING ON THEIR KIDS COMPUTER, HOW TO TALK TO SOMEONE!!!

greynblue

Snickers, why did you write that? I don't understand why you would respond to my posting with that???

Justme57

Hi Grey and a belated welcome to SR

I would not worry about the previous post , it is probably just someone looking to chat , who does not know how to use boards . I dont think it was specifically aimed at you .

Anyway , my name is Lee , and i see the wise Alanon people have already helped you

HUGX
Lee

SUNFLOWERGIRL29

Welcome, Grey! Something else I know I struggle with re: the alcoholics/addicts in my life is that it is a disease- it causes them to be selfish and self-centered, which means to me that it is not that they are hurting us on purpose, or that they are just jerks. I know I take much of it personally (my AH when active would often say negative things to me while drinking/ or when he wanted to drink) and I took it as he honestly thought I was stupid. Right now I am coming to terms with this all over again (I've been down this recovery road before and relapsed years ago) and I know that this is one thing I did forget- as long as they are active in their addiction / not getting help, they are not fully able to get past their own sickness. So...something I find myself doing is just repeating over and over to myself whenever I start to hurt about something he (or any other addict in my life) has said or done that was part of his disease that it is just that- the disease and not the person who is hurting me.
Also- I agree- it is so great that you are expressing how YOU feel about how everything is affecting you, as well as the pain you feel about her problem. So often we tend to forget our feelings matter too and that WE matter, and this is sooooo healthy!!!
Keep comin' back and post away!!!!
-Sunflowergirl29

SNICKERS

sorry greynblue! i wasn't referring to at all. i was referring to myself! thanks justme57, yes this all new for me. i'm just exhausted with life right now. sorry again to anyone who took offence. WHAT A WAY TO INTRO MYSELF HA!!!

SNICKERS

let's start over again shall we.. HI i'm snickers (my horses name which i lost 4 yrs ago). i'm glad to get into this program so i can talk to some of you. please be patient with me. i'll be gone till late sunday pm, but will check threads. i'm anxious to talk ang get this out. give you an example of how much computering i know, i wrote a long letter introducing myself last night, thought i sent it to the board, now i can't find it.. DAH.... and yes i'm blonde blue eyes 40 and have 3 great boy's.. talk to you when i get back. HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!!!

greynblue

Snick,

No prob about the weird post. It was just funny because I am also blonde with blue eyes, and was on a computer the kids in my house also use sometimes!

Anyhow, sorry your letter got lost! That has so hapened to me before. I am glad you have come to this site, though, and hope you had a great new years! Talk to you soon?...

Grey