Deserto

Well once again it's the point of recognition, all the chips are on the table, I can continue to lie to myself or I can face the facts.

Was sober from October through December, then the thought came to me that a few would be manageable.... by April had the vodka stashed in the garage, and the misses and I went on a good three week bender that finally ended with us weaving in the kitchen at 4 am one Saturday night with a bunch of drunks we barely knew. Who thought it would be a good idea to throw the afterparty?

So she's been sober 14 days, and committed to it. Me, I've been back and forth, sober about 5 of the last 10. Got busted with that vodka in the garage, said I'd go straight, then came up instead with some rules (no more than 8 drinks a week, no more than 3 at once) and then Friday night went camping with a buddy and blew those rules to smithereens. Came home the next day (yesterday) and the wife saw I was hung over and I said, "Well, see, the three beer rule is a bit loosey goosey but I'm still committed to the eight drinks a week maximum" and she said "See ya, I'm going to a friend's" and I said "What a grown man can't have a few beers while camping with his buddy?" quack quack quack.

I need to commit again, the misses and I have long agreed that the only persistent problem we've ever had is the alcohol (for both of us) and every once and while the dream of a sober life takes hold and we make a go of it. And she's saying this is it; and I'm twisting into contortions telling myself "Well you can't quit for someone else, this is a recipe for disaster and resentment" and then thinking "what a fool you'll be if you choose alcohol over her." What a fool you'd be.

Stayed up til 5 am just watching the TV last night, zoning out, eating chocolate like a rejected schoolgirl on prom night. Day two again here.

It's so obvious when we're doing the addict excuse dance; I can go over to the friends and family forum and see my words written verbatim by a stranger I've never met.

First step I guess is honesty, right? And accountability? And so here I am again. I'm going to go float the river with a friend (bringing sparkling waters!) and maybe I'll even talk to her and be honest instead of pretending everything's alright, whistling past the liquor store as it were. Then again maybe I won't.

BillyPilgrim

Deserto, we have all been there

The first drink does the damage, so 2 simple rules and you wont get drunk

1 Dont have the first drink
2 Consult Rule 1

DayTrader

I know the feelings......

It wasn't so much the direct trouble from drinking (although, I DID get 3 dui's), but it was all the "hating myself" that came with it. I was pretty ashamed of my actions. Sneaking around, hiding bottles I even hid them in the trash - and I lived ALONE (I guess I was hiding my shame from the garbage men.....or from a guest who might see all the bottles if they went to throw something away).

There's a line in the AA book that I seemed to experience "at certain times, the alcoholic has no effective mental defense against that first drink" (not an exact quote, but fairly close I believe). I'd made resolutions to stop.....to slow down...and I could stick to them for a while. But the, here would come one of those "at certain times" and I'd be drinking again. It was maddening.

AA helped me......a LOT. Not so much the meetings (it was tough to find strong meetings in my area) but the program itself. I knew a handful of ppl who said they were JUST like me, they did the steps, and everything changed. It didn't seem like the steps would do that much.....but there were more and more ppl saying the same thing - they were a mess, they got serious about AA, worked the steps, and their lives changed.

Well.....I'm another one of those guys saying the same thing to you. Maybe AA is something you should consider?

Sapling

I think you should both go to a meeting...You want to commit to something...Why not that? Work the steps...Stop the madness....I think you owe it to eachother. You know that fool that chose alcohol over her you were talking about?...That was me. I didn't go quick enough.

sugarbear1

I'm going to go float the river with a friend (bringing sparkling waters!) and maybe I'll even talk to her and be honest instead of pretending everything's alright, whistling past the liquor store as it were. And that you delete your reservation that followed this statement.

I hope you follow through with you decision.

tanja

((Deserto))

I can read the pain in your post. You stopped drinking for 2 months. What tools did you use at that time? It doesn't sound like you have much of a support system. That is essential. I too recommend AA. You can develop a support network of sober friends and learn what they did to lead a better life alchol free. Believe in yourself and DON'T EVER GIVE UP. Find comfort in the fact that you helped me in my struggle and served as an inspiration. I KNOW you can do this!

OCDDan

Deserto,

Thanks for that valueable post, sounds like you hit the complacency stage in December and went to the school of hard knocks. Now you are smarter. I like to pop in here every day for my fix of sobriety, maybe that will help you too, stop quackin and get krackin on some sobriety, do it for you, do it for your liver, do it for every reason, just do it this time. Hang on to the Misses, it's hard to find a good match.

Hevyn

Hi Deserto. Very good & helpful post. Glad you are back trying to get it right this time. We know you can do it.

My (former) husband & I were drinking buddies, too. It was so much fun when we were in our 20's. By our 30's things were spinning out of control, but no one wanted to acknowledge what was happening. Alcohol ruined our lives together, and cost him his life. I'm so glad you aren't going to let that happen. As far as telling your friend, I know I felt very relieved after it was out in the open - but we're all different. I hope you are on your way to peace of mind, health, and sobriety.

Dee74

Hey Deserto

You're a better man than this - and you know it.
Stop the rollercoaster my friend - I know you can do it.

Make the leap

D

instant

I hope you can find a way out of this to a place where you are at peace.

Deserto

Well the cliff swallows were gorgeous on the river. And we had a downstream wind. It doesn't get much better than that.

Driving home on a beautiful May day, I was struck by how incredibly simple this is and can be. No need to feel policed by the wife, no need to feel ashamed, no need to wrestle with rules and renegotiate etc etc. Just quit again. Life gets incredibly simple after that. It's not easy, but it's simple.

So, Day 2, check. Great sober day on the river, check. Feeling a rekindled strength coming on.

Thanks everyone for your advice. You'll be seeing my ugly mug around here again

Anna

Good attitude, Deserto!

Try to let go of the shame and frustration and focus on the benefits of a sober and enjoyable day.

I can feel the pain in your posts, too, and I hope that you and your wife can both commit to a sober life. There is lots of support here at SR, so I hope you keep reading and posting.

ReadyAndAble

Beautifully said. Recovery for me is very much about how I view the world. If I change my view, I change my world. Wish it were under better circumstances, but glad to see you again, Deserto.

eJoshua

Welcome back! Thanks for the great and honest post.

Taking5

I'll take it one step farther - I am 50 yo and still single, never married, because both of the women I fell in love with were smart enough to not marry a drunk.

I hope you smarten up before your girl does.

Someguy23

This morning, when I opened my inbox, I found an e-mail from a girl who gave me my marching orders because I was always getting drunk when we'd go out.

I was never too interested in her... but I still regret her more than many others just because it feels like a dumb reason to get dumped.

What I'm trying to say, though I don't think you need me to tell you, is that you would indeed be a fool.