Finally reached that point

Old 05-13-2012, 03:17 AM
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Finally reached that point

I hope that I'm finally ready to leave my AH after 8 years. I came close last weekend, right down to finding a flat, but made the BIG mistake of telling him. What was I thinking?? He wore me down over the weekend and I foolishly agreed to re-consider that particular flat and that I'd give him another month to see if he would go and get treatment again....

I think you can all guess where this one is going.....

Tuesday - all good. Made all the phone calls to his doctor and his counsellor for appointments for Friday.

Wednesday - he's absolutely estatic. Finally been given Employment and Sickness Benefit as they have agreed he's not capable of work (he suffers from social anxiety and depression). We've been living off just my wages for the past year since he lost his job due to drinking (and we worked at the same place, so you can imagine how great that was when they fired him!!)


Thursday - money received. £1000 backdated. He told me that he was going to give it all to me to stop him from being tempted to buy alcohol. I get home from work and he's clearly drunk.

Friday - see above. I'm given £250 and told the rest has gone to pay bills. Bearing in mind, I pay all the bills from my bank account...
He did manage to go his his doctor who wants to put him on Baclofen as part of a trial. So now he's sitting back waiting to go on this drug and according to him, what's the point of stopping now when in a couple of weeks a drug's going to help him stop? Unbelievable.


So this time I have reached the end of the line (I hope!!) and I am going to return to my flat-hunting and say nothing until I'm actually moving my stuff out. My only problem is that he only ever leaves the house to go to the shop to get alcohol, so it's going to be really hard to move out in front of him.

But I know now, I can't be living like this for the rest of my life! I've had enough of the lying, the stealing and the emotional abuse and I'm ready to just let him throw his own life away without throwing mine away too.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:49 AM
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Good for you!

I don't know what the laws are in the UK -- in most US states, you can actually get the sheriff's department to come out (although where I live, they only stay for 15 minutes) if someone is trying to prevent you from moving out.

In the absence of law enforcement, I would bring all the friends I could round up. Even the most egregious meanie will be somewhat slowed down by other people being present.

Wishing you peace and resolution in your decision.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:53 AM
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So, sounds like you have reached YOUR BOTTOM. Take that 250 pounds and
use it for your deposit on a flat, heck maybe the one you found last weekend
is still available.

What he did was typical A behavior. He has another 'excuse' to keep using.

Are you attending any Naranon, Alanon, therapy. One of those or a combination
of 2 of them, say Naranon and therapy or Alanon and therapy would be an
excellent way to HELP YOU.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so much.
Remember you can also rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh, as we will
understand.

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-14-2012, 12:39 AM
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don't know what the laws are in the UK -- in most US states, you can actually get the sheriff's department to come out (although where I live, they only stay for 15 minutes) if someone is trying to prevent you from moving out.
It's not so much that he would try to physically stop me - it's the usual emotional blackmail that As seem to excel in! My plan is now that he's got money and is back to drinking constantly is to do a flit whilst he's passed out in the afternoon. My friend have thankfully said they are happy to drop everything and help me shift asap, so that's good!

I just need to be strong and not waver when/if he straightens up for a couple of days - I need to remember that it's only ever temporary and that he'll soon revert to type.

I've not been to Alanon - unfortunately there's nothing close to where I live and even the nearest ones only seem to have sessions in the day when I'm at work. I do have counselling provided by work, so that has helped me understand my own behaviour and now I'm finally learning that I only have the power to change myself not him.

But this forum has been the biggest revelation - reading other people's stories and realising that I'm not alone and that many people are going through exactly what I'm going through. Because my AH only drinks beer and only ever drinks secretly (I've not seen him drink in 3 years!) I've found it hard to relate his alcoholism with the stereotypical A portrayed on TV (I've never had experience of alcoholism before), so this forum has really helped me - just wish I'd found it earlier!
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Old 05-14-2012, 12:25 PM
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Careering - You A sounds alot like mine. He only drinks beer, well mostly, I know he does buy hard liquor sometimes and maybe more than I think. I think he sneaks that, but he also now tries to hide the amount of beer he drinks. He says he CAN'T be an alcoholic because he just likes to drink. LOL LOL LOL

I too, have gotten as far as picking a place to live, or temporarily stayed with my mom, but I always told him in advance and thought my leaving or plans to leave would straighten him up. It may for a day, possible two at most, but I have come to realize he actually needs this stuff to live now because he is addicted. My ABF doesn't think he has a problem though, so, it will be a long road to his recovery I am afraid. I have already been with him for five years and I don't even want to waste another six months of my life and our son's life living with this addiction.

I plan on moving in with my mom mid-August or early September when our lease is up. My mom is a pretty wise woman and she tells me that I just need to go and not give him warning too far ahead of time. Of course, he will have to know at least 30 days ahead of time because we are on the lease together and I won't chance leaving him at the apartment himself because the deposit money is all mine (imagine that). He has already broken two screens and got grease on the new carpet, so I have to make sure all the things that are intact remain that way to maximize my deposit return.
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