Jilllian

Today is the only day after two months and a week that I've wished I had my pain meds back. Not because I want to kill my physical pain, but to kill my emotional pain. And to dull those before-sleep thoughts that circulate through the empty space between my ears.

I've literally been in bed since June of 2009, leaving only to go to work (some of which I can do at home from my bed), to sometimes attend one of my kid's school sporting events, or to keep appointments, most of which I end up rescheduling due to extreme social anxiety.

I was raped in college, something I've told only two people (my best friend, and my therapist) in my life. It was brutal (not that all rapes aren't), and I came out of it with three rib fractures, a punctured lung, a broken jaw, wrist and foot, some physical scars from knife cuts, and emotional scars to beat the band. Oh, and that social anxiety thing. And some hypervigilance. And nightmares.

That happened over a 24-hour period of time, a long time ago. I don't remember much of it, even though sometimes I try to. I was in a coma for two weeks. When I came home (college apartment), I ate through a straw, and weighed 98 pounds soaking wet. Packed up my boxes and left. I never pressed charges despite overwhelming evidence. I learned soon after that he had raped another young woman. One burden I carry is the fact that had I testified, he could have been locked up and unable to victimize someone else. It is a heavy burden to bear.

When I left that place, I left behind my self-worth, a love of life, and happiness. I moved away, threw myself into books so that I didn't have to think of anything else, and finished grad school summa *** laude. Not patting myself on the back here, just expressing how deep a desire to avoid emotional pain can be. I took some post-graduate work until meeting my former husband and starting a family. Had two babies who again, took my mind off of the pain most of the time.

Now though? Now, they're older and spreading their wings, and I've had way too much time to think. And remember. Enter pills, stage left.

Pills helped me forget. If I had nightmares, I never remembered them in the morning while on opiates. Triggers weren't so frequent (like smelling his cologne somewhere), and my mind was in a happy place. I'm realizing now how those pills turned me into that happy carefree person I used to be.

So today, I miss them. I don't really want them. But I do miss them.

At this point I would be afraid of what I would do with them. I am in therapy, and think I'd be much worse off without it. I've had my therapist for almost 15 years.

I hate my life and hate myself for allowing so much time and energy into being a slave to my past. A month or so ago, my therapist said to me "you've suffered long enough." She meant it in a different way from how I took it.

Today's not a good day. Neither have all the yesterdays since that incident, nor is it likely my tomorrows will be.

If I had one wish, I'd wish I was happy again.

Ranger

Prayers, Jilllian. I'm sorry for what you had to endure, but confident in your future.

scrambled2012

Hi Jillian,

No, you won't be able to forget. You're not supposed to be able to forget. It was a very important event. It's a survival thing, and it changes people forever.

Wow, you have a job; that is good news.

Wow, you have not one but two kids? What a great expereince (and challanging) it must be to have raised a family. I hope you have communicated to them the sad fact that the world can be a violent, dangerious, horriable place, in addition to being a place of beauty, love, learning, and forgiveness. Its a mixed, bag, this place we live on.

We are human. Therefore we make mistakes, and the older we get, the more mistakes there are to reflect upon. Learning from them, and trying to pass that lesson on, is all we can do. If you feel that not testifying against the criminal who victimized you was a mistake, then you need to cut yourself a break and understand your own humanity. We make mistakes. We all do. Don't let this event continue to victimize you again and again by attacking yourself for your own actions. You were tramatized--and usually folks who are tramatized haven't exactly studied up on how to react in an ideal fasion to the event.Cut yourself some slack.

I have an idea that may or may not help--getting a second job; not because you need it economically, but rather in order to learn a new thing, associate with different people in a controled and relativly safe environment, and occupy your free time with things that distract. If you keep your first life (main job) facts to yourself, it can be like a second life or identity, providing reference points you didn't have in addition to expereinces and social connections. Its a challange that distracts, just like working on your postdoc.

I know you are in pain. I'm glad your with us, and your kids, who look to you on so many levels as an example, are better off with you then without you, even after they have spread thier wings. It is important that you know that.

Life can be horriable; but not all of it. Its worth living the time we have been given--eventually we will get to the end anyway, no reason to rush things.

You aren't alone Jillian.

aeo1313

I don't know what to say; if you were here I would hold you in a big hug and tell you life will one day be ok again.

Ann

awuh1

I once went to a seminar on PTSD. The person conducting it was very famous, and his material quite well presented. He told the true story of an extreme tragedy that was hard to even listen to. It was a story of a mother who had accidently shot and killed one of her own small children one night, thinking the child was an intruder. For many days he referred to this story and it seemed to all of us in attendance that the mother, having endured this horrible experience, would never get relief from these tragic events. The damage was done. The past could not be changed.

Then on the final day of the seminar he told us the end of the story. He said that the mother became a crusader of sorts. She went around to groups telling her story and advocating mandatory gun control and gun safety education. She had a powerful story and she had found a way to make this tragedy meaningful. She had done this by sharing it and perhaps preventing a similar tragedy.

This is not unlike what is done by many of us here on SR or in the rooms of AA. By sharing our experience with drugs and alcohol we bring forth a measure of meaning from the tragic events in our own lives. In so doing we are granted a certain freedom from the boundaries of self. This freedom only seems to be possible through the transformation of pain and tragedy into the greater good. I think you have already begun to do that by sharing your experience. I hope you find ways to make it even more meaningful.

artsoul

Wow, you've been through a lot.... :ghug3I can totally relate to wanting a "happiness break" via chemicals (I looked at drinking as my "mental vacation"). Getting sober made me realize, however, that I was resisting more and more of my inner feelings and fears and as a result, they just got stronger over time. I felt like a victim of my own mind.

I knew I had to find a way to deal with the stuff between my ears if I expected to stay sober. Therapy helps, as does meditation, but the thing that works best for me is something called mindfullness (you can google it and see what you think). It's very simple and involves not resisting or judging our thoughts/feelings, but allowing them to be there and just observing them in the moment as they come and go. Check it out!

Fenris

Jillian, my prayers are with you. Within this community of alcoholics and addicts, I have heard, seen and felt a lot of pain, a lot of trauma. We all have our stories. They bind us together. You're not alone. Your past doesn't have to define you. I have personally seen men and women with histories that I can't even begin to imagine living through rise up and become a positive force in the lives of family, friends, and strangers. You can too.

--Fenris.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your pain Jillian - I spent years dealing with stuff that drinking or drugs never quite obliterated too.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist, I'm glad you're in recovery and I'm glad you're here with us - I really hope someday you can find a way to lay down the burden of your past.

D

Anna

Jillian, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this.

And, I can understand your frustration with the after effects of the tragedy which seem to occupy your mind.

The thought I had when reading your post is that I wish you could turn the incident into something positive. I wonder if you have considered doing volunteer work at a Womens Centre where you could share your story in a way that would help others in similar situations?

(((Jillian)))

sissy07

Jillian,

There is one word I have that describes you - SURVIVOR. I admire you so much. You have gone through more in your life than 99% of the population ( not just alcoholic, drug adicted individuals, but those with so-called charmed lives). I can not put into words how much I admire your strength. God bless you....your spirit inspires me. I am so sorry this happened to you. Wow. I am speechless. Gotta hand it to you, you are a warrior and a beautiful person. You owe yourself happiness....I like the idea of reaching out to other rape survivors. Make a terrible event into something somewhat positive by reaching out to those suffering, if you can. I am so very sorry. Love and hugs.

Jilllian

Thank you. I wish I was as confident, but maybe that will come in time. I feel selfish having posted what I did, since so many people on this planet struggle for the basic necessities of food, water and shelter. I know I should feel blessed.

Jilllian

Thank you, Sissy. And God bless you, too. I read your words with tears in my eyes so they were a bit blurry, but the message was clear. I have thought many times of reaching out to others who have experienced similar trauma, but I never followed through. I'm not entirely sure why though,, but suspect that guilt and shame are two feelings that prevent me from doing that. That, and also the fact that I don't believe I've handled it in a way I'd recommend others to, which to me makes my words pretty invalid.

As for my strength, I don't deserve any props. Lying in bed for three years, wasting away to 100 pounds, while being fully aware of the effects of that, not to mention being sometimes emotionally absent from my chidlren's lives, shows that I don't value my life as I know on a logical level that I should. Ah, now that's a topic that I'm going to research tonight, as it just popped into my head.

Thank you so much for your kindness. I needed to hear your words.

Jilllian

Thank you, Anna. I have considered doing just that. The ironic thing is that when I was in community college (during the time of my attack), I was very involved in "Take Back The Night" rallies in the city I lived in. Oh, the irony.

As for another way of turning it into a positive, and your post reminded me of this, I just read something about recreating your nightmares, so that that they're not intrusive or even bothersome, so I'm looking into that ~ at least when I have the energy to.

Thank you again, Anna.

Jilllian

Thank you Fenris.

It is interesting how some people are so much more resilient than others. Once, on my way to work, I saw a man hang himself from a swing set in front of the school I worked at (I'm a psychologist, funny as that sounds). The police hadn't yet arrived and I was taking my babies to daycare at the time. I bolted out of my car and ushered children toward a different entrance to the school after trying to lift this man to release the rope's tension. He was already gone. But do you know what most of these inner city kids did? They held their notebooks by the side of their face to block their own view of this hanging man, and kept walking toward the school entrance they were initially bound for. Now THAT's resilience. If I had half the strength those elementary and middle schoolers had....

I hadn't thought of that incident in years. And I'm pretty sure I was *meant* to think of it after reading your post. There are no coincidences, right?

Thank you.

Jilllian

Thank you, D. I hope so, too.

Jilllian

that's exactly how i feel!

yes, i'm well aware of mindfulness and preach and teach it at every opportunity (at work, i mean). funny how we don't take our advice. not funny as in "ha-ha," but you know what i mean.

the problem i had with practicing mindfulness (like just accepting the feelings and not judging them one way or the other, and just riding them like a wave) is not practicing it enough. it's so much easier to just give in and not do the work, and i'm 100% guilty of this.

thank you for reminding me of this tool in my tool box, and if i get through this cluster-eff of wanting to call it a day, i will do this.

Jilllian

See? I should feel grateful and lucky that something this terrible on a scale of terrible-ness didn't happen to me. That poor mother. My goodness. I'm sure I haven't half the strength she has, and wouldn't be here today if something like that happened to me. Thank you for the perspective/reality check.

i need to keep reminding myself of this. it's the *reaction* to our past and present experiences that matter. [/QUOTE]

Is she on the lecture circuit? Or, does she have a website? If I get out of this funk, I'm wondering if reading up on how she survived this would help.[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much.

ReadyAndAble

You are clearly a strong, caring, and extraordinarily self-aware person. I have no doubt you are already on the path to much happier tomorrows. Meantime, I'm glad you're sharing this part of your journey with us. You are definitely an inspiration, Jillian. Thanks for being here.

DesertEyes

Hello Jillian, and pleased to meet you

Sorry to hear that you are going thru so much pain. You described it quite well, took me back to when I first quit the booze and got into recovery.

Yours truly was raised in a "toxic" famiily. Child abusers, pedophiles, and other such. I don't remember the first time I was raped, or who it was. What I do remember is my grandfather passing me around to a couple of his friends, I guess I must have been around 5 years old or so. It wasn't just the rapes, grandpa enjoyed inflicting pain. I still have scars in "certain areas" of my body from all his attentions.

Grandpa never drank. He was stone cold sober. He knew exactly what he was doing, day after day. Year after year. Once in a while there would be another child. I don't know where he got them, but I do know they didn't last long.

Booze is how I self medicated, once I ran away from home. Just like you described, it kept the nightmares away, and my emotions from going insane.

I understand about PTSD, I used to have it in abundance. Besides 12 step programs and therapy what helped me was to reach out to others. Just like you said, I had _nothing_ to offer. Absolutely nothing. But I did it anyway. I found a few other survivors in meets of AA and we started a whole new program called ISA ( Incest Survivors Anonymous )

Through that program I had the honor of meeting people who had _far_ worse childhoods. At least I could get out and about in the world, even if my emotions were out of control. I met people who were permanently disfigured and disabled by the sociopaths in their families. People who spent years in hospital burn units as children. Without family present.

And worse. But I won't go into that here.

I understand about the guilt. You did not testify, I left my younger brother behind when I ran away. That guilt ate at me for decades. What I have learned is that my first priority is to save _me_. Only after I am safe can I think about helping others. There were so many times I sat with another survivor and heard them say exactly the same thing; they left home and left the siblings behind. While hearing them I would think, "well, duh, if you had not left you would be dead".

These other survivors taught me the most important thing I have to give them. I understand them. I know what they feel. I had no advice, no words of wisdom. But you know what? they did not need words, that's what shrinks are for. What they needed was somebody to just sit there and understand them. That I could give.

Today the only thing left from that abuse is a very mild nightmare about once a year, and the physical scars. All the other damage has healed. I love being alive and I can't wait to see what new things tomorrow will bring. I still reach out to other survivors when I can. Two or three times a year some young woman will wander into a meet, with that look in her eyes that I remember so well. I give her some phone numbers of other women I know who have formed support groups, tell her where the closed meetings are.

We have our own version of the steps and slogans and all that. My fav is our version of the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change
The courage to change the future I can
and the wisdom to start today.

Jillian, you _are_ going to heal. You have been healing all these years. You raised two children, you were out there in the world amongst people. That is such a huge, impossible thing for us survivors to accomplish. Just the fact that you have not killed yourself all these years is beyond fantastic, considering what you endured. You are doing _so_ much better than most of us ever do.

Yes, you _do_ have a lot to offer. You survived and overcame the horror. You had a _life_ for so many years. Most of us can't even _dream_ of a life when we first start dealing with these issues.

You will be happy again, Jillian. Little by little. One day at a time. And you have a few thousand people here on SR standing by you, cheering you on. We know you are worth it. All you have to do is believe that _we_ believe in you.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Jilllian

Mike, I got chills when I read this: "I don't remember the FIRST time. I'm so, so sorry for what you endured. I cannot imagine being in that situation. My rape occurred one time. My heart goes out to you. You must be a really strong and resilient person.

Wow. Just wow. And here I am whining and complaining about an attack I survived with no real lasting physical issues. Perspective is something I really, really appreciate here on this forum (and everywhere in life, actually).

How did you learn to forgive yourself, Mike? And to give yourself permission to forgive? I don't mean that to come off as a "you-should-have stayed" comment and I want you to know that because I know that you did nothing wrong. You went into self-protection mode. The whole "flight or fight" mode that we shrinks throw out there on a daily basis.

.

Thank you for saying that. Healing is so tiring, isn't it? Right now it feels like I'm fighting something that is so much bigger than me. But with the pils, it wasn't.

I wish I loved life. And I wish I looked forward to tomorrows. How did you get to that point? Through therapy? Or just through the ISA group that you started? Or both? And how long did it take for you to get better?


Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I appreciate that very much.