My inlaws are fruitcakes!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 27
My inlaws are fruitcakes!
I am ready to tear my hair out. My husband's family are just incredibly negative people. They are critical and judgemental and have difficulty being happy for anyone. I seem to be caught up in some weird triangle with my mother in law and sister in law. They have a pretty strained relationship and are incredibly dysfunctional in their relations with one another. They constantly make snide remarks to each other and about each other and I always feel awkward. I rallied on my sister in law's behalf when my MIL made some profane statements that I found offensive, I asked her to stop talking that way in my presence. I did this because I resent this woman using curse words to describe her own flesh and blood and because she views my sister in law as competition somehow. God forbid that SIL be involved in mine and my recovering husband's life - she feels slighted. Can anyone say codependent?
Now, it has come to my attention that my SIL and MIL are wagging their tongues over ME! I used some of my OWN money, given as a Christmas gift from my father and a work bonus to purchase some new furniture and my parents brought in their decorator to give my place a little makeover - it was a GIFT but now I hear that I had 'some nerve out blowing money while XXX was in rehab!' - my MIL had given me a small amount of money to use however I chose knowing I had only ONE income while hubby was away but suddenly she is resentful that the money was not used as she intended. First of all, it was a gift without stipulation (not so, I guess) and secondly, that money went toward food and gas, not my furniture. I suppose I have learned a lesson that some people do not want others to be happy. The whole thought process behind the new furniture was to create a nice, new vibe in the home. I wanted a comfortable place for him to come home to, a fresh look , new coat of paint, that sort of thing. I used MY money but suddenly this mini makeover has become about my abuse of money given to me.
I desperately want to set some people straight but my husband says to leave it alone. He told me that misery loves company and his mom and his sister are miserable indeed. While they may tear one another down, they are even better at tearing down others! He tells me to keep our business to myself as much as possible. I feel very aggravated. I don't operate in a fake way. If I don't care for someone, I limit my dealings - I have learned the hard way that not all families are kind and loving and supportive. I have married into the epitome of a dysfunctional family and I don't know how the heck I will ever fit in!
The sick thing is that both of them sort of clamor for my approval in this weird way.
I think now it's because they realize that I am their link to my hubby who has always lied to keep them at bay or what have you. Now that he is sober, they all want a piece of him it seems. It's just all too much for me. I feel like I am walking a tightrope. If I am guarded, they take it personally, if I am forthright, things get twisted around and turned into a negative.
Does anyone out there have any advice for me on dealing with toxic inlaws? I am ready to scream!!!
Now, it has come to my attention that my SIL and MIL are wagging their tongues over ME! I used some of my OWN money, given as a Christmas gift from my father and a work bonus to purchase some new furniture and my parents brought in their decorator to give my place a little makeover - it was a GIFT but now I hear that I had 'some nerve out blowing money while XXX was in rehab!' - my MIL had given me a small amount of money to use however I chose knowing I had only ONE income while hubby was away but suddenly she is resentful that the money was not used as she intended. First of all, it was a gift without stipulation (not so, I guess) and secondly, that money went toward food and gas, not my furniture. I suppose I have learned a lesson that some people do not want others to be happy. The whole thought process behind the new furniture was to create a nice, new vibe in the home. I wanted a comfortable place for him to come home to, a fresh look , new coat of paint, that sort of thing. I used MY money but suddenly this mini makeover has become about my abuse of money given to me.
I desperately want to set some people straight but my husband says to leave it alone. He told me that misery loves company and his mom and his sister are miserable indeed. While they may tear one another down, they are even better at tearing down others! He tells me to keep our business to myself as much as possible. I feel very aggravated. I don't operate in a fake way. If I don't care for someone, I limit my dealings - I have learned the hard way that not all families are kind and loving and supportive. I have married into the epitome of a dysfunctional family and I don't know how the heck I will ever fit in!
The sick thing is that both of them sort of clamor for my approval in this weird way.
I think now it's because they realize that I am their link to my hubby who has always lied to keep them at bay or what have you. Now that he is sober, they all want a piece of him it seems. It's just all too much for me. I feel like I am walking a tightrope. If I am guarded, they take it personally, if I am forthright, things get twisted around and turned into a negative.
Does anyone out there have any advice for me on dealing with toxic inlaws? I am ready to scream!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Gracie
Their dysfunction is their dysfunction and you do not have to join the the dance of codependency with them. Part of codependency is being a people pleaser, and you probably know by now that there is no way on God's earth that you could ever please those people.
My suggestion would be to step out of their lives, maybe visit on special occasions or have telephone conversations occasionally, but do not discuss your own situation and if they start beefing about each other, just tell them that they should speak to the other person, not you and refuse to continue that discussion.
It takes practice, but you are only a victim if you allow yourself to be. Keep your own business private, and don't mind theirs. It works and you will feel much better.
Hugs
Ann
Their dysfunction is their dysfunction and you do not have to join the the dance of codependency with them. Part of codependency is being a people pleaser, and you probably know by now that there is no way on God's earth that you could ever please those people.
My suggestion would be to step out of their lives, maybe visit on special occasions or have telephone conversations occasionally, but do not discuss your own situation and if they start beefing about each other, just tell them that they should speak to the other person, not you and refuse to continue that discussion.
It takes practice, but you are only a victim if you allow yourself to be. Keep your own business private, and don't mind theirs. It works and you will feel much better.
Hugs
Ann
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 27
Thanks, Ann - that helps. I see the occasional breakthrough and being a codie with a savior complex myself, I encourage everyone to come together and work together, etc. It worked for about one day. By nature, these people are what they are - it has been their way for years now.
You are right, though. It's my choice if I want to participate and I always end up feeling jipped somehow.
Starting today, I can change things. It's just so obvious to everyone if I try to pull back some - I am one of those people who is very comfortable sharing..sometimes too comfy as this recent incident confirms! I need to learn to keep my trap shut more often and concentrate on OUR life, not the extended family..
You are right, though. It's my choice if I want to participate and I always end up feeling jipped somehow.
Starting today, I can change things. It's just so obvious to everyone if I try to pull back some - I am one of those people who is very comfortable sharing..sometimes too comfy as this recent incident confirms! I need to learn to keep my trap shut more often and concentrate on OUR life, not the extended family..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Gracie.....I have been in your shoes!!!! I have also learned the VERY hard way that my in-laws love for me to share info with them.....that way they have something to stab me in the back with later!! They do ALL five of their children that way......and recently I actually heard my father in law say that my BIL had "paid him back" for all he had given him.....PAID HIM BACK....you mean we owe our parents for raising us!!!! What a hoot.
Here is a great piece of advise someone gave me for when I do visit them......few and far between visits!!! Learn to re-direct. If they are drilling you for info....change the subject....did you see Michael Jackson is in trouble again....or I love that show CSI....or gee, how did you get lawn looking so good.....anyway, I have found that it works pretty good. Not usually my style, but I have learned with them......they are set in there ways and there WAYS are a big part of all five of their childrens "issues". I can't "fix" them and definately COULD NOT live with them...so I have adjusted accordingly....
Blessings,
Constant
Here is a great piece of advise someone gave me for when I do visit them......few and far between visits!!! Learn to re-direct. If they are drilling you for info....change the subject....did you see Michael Jackson is in trouble again....or I love that show CSI....or gee, how did you get lawn looking so good.....anyway, I have found that it works pretty good. Not usually my style, but I have learned with them......they are set in there ways and there WAYS are a big part of all five of their childrens "issues". I can't "fix" them and definately COULD NOT live with them...so I have adjusted accordingly....
Blessings,
Constant
Gift Of Encouragement
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Brighton MI.
Posts: 68
How did my inlaws get over to your house? I have the same shallow set of inlaws the dysfunction is how they stay significant it is very sick and is what breeds the addict.
First of all it is based on a warped set of belief systems in my case a compulation of low intelligence, simple sheltered existance
with no boundries through out the family structure the attitude is rich people are crooks bowling is a national past time the lottery is a weekly grocery item,and if you raise your kids any different than they did you are the cause for the demise of civalization as we know it or new it, infact if your belief systems differ slightly you probably are the anti-christ and the beginning of the fall of man kind.
Now if you are a beer drinking fat family couch patato and can go to mass on saturday afternoon to beat the rush sunday morning than you have wisdom beyond your years and we'll meet ya at the rams horn after church and gossip about the rest of the family while we have the chance god knows all we do is help them out and they crap on us.
I have 28 years of stories that they have been helping me and ya no what I never asked them once to get invoved in fact I have never even invited my idiot father inlaw to my house that man even after I kicked his butt he will not leave me alone I know its terrible but I truelly wish he would die he has crude comments about everyone and when he talks about my kids I tell him to find another subject with just a look and a nod of my head.
My wife and I started going steady at age 13 and am 40 now thats why we have so many years with this man haunting me I even moved 40 miles away from him so he wouldnt just keep showing up and now when he does show up he stays longer and says hey just go ahead and do what you were going to do pretend I am not here and when I do I here it from every other family member how I hurt poor dads feelings or how I treated him like crap.
He and my mother in law gave my kids gift cards for christmas and they went out to buy little mo-ped scooters with there own money and the gift cards and you should have heard how they never would have given them a cent if they new what the kids were going to do with the money.
I have been going to 2 to 3 meetings a day just so you dont read about me in the papers or see me on CNN.
Gracie anyony who knows me knows I am very loving and easy going and very forgiving but these people dont even try to improve so I must avoid them at all costs, again the count down starts today there is only 360 days untill christmas man that day comes quick.
((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) Steve
First of all it is based on a warped set of belief systems in my case a compulation of low intelligence, simple sheltered existance
with no boundries through out the family structure the attitude is rich people are crooks bowling is a national past time the lottery is a weekly grocery item,and if you raise your kids any different than they did you are the cause for the demise of civalization as we know it or new it, infact if your belief systems differ slightly you probably are the anti-christ and the beginning of the fall of man kind.
Now if you are a beer drinking fat family couch patato and can go to mass on saturday afternoon to beat the rush sunday morning than you have wisdom beyond your years and we'll meet ya at the rams horn after church and gossip about the rest of the family while we have the chance god knows all we do is help them out and they crap on us.
I have 28 years of stories that they have been helping me and ya no what I never asked them once to get invoved in fact I have never even invited my idiot father inlaw to my house that man even after I kicked his butt he will not leave me alone I know its terrible but I truelly wish he would die he has crude comments about everyone and when he talks about my kids I tell him to find another subject with just a look and a nod of my head.
My wife and I started going steady at age 13 and am 40 now thats why we have so many years with this man haunting me I even moved 40 miles away from him so he wouldnt just keep showing up and now when he does show up he stays longer and says hey just go ahead and do what you were going to do pretend I am not here and when I do I here it from every other family member how I hurt poor dads feelings or how I treated him like crap.
He and my mother in law gave my kids gift cards for christmas and they went out to buy little mo-ped scooters with there own money and the gift cards and you should have heard how they never would have given them a cent if they new what the kids were going to do with the money.
I have been going to 2 to 3 meetings a day just so you dont read about me in the papers or see me on CNN.
Gracie anyony who knows me knows I am very loving and easy going and very forgiving but these people dont even try to improve so I must avoid them at all costs, again the count down starts today there is only 360 days untill christmas man that day comes quick.
((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) Steve
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: saskatchewan
Posts: 26
Funny how I also have this problem!!! I know I need to make some healthy boundaries with them, but I find that I question myself about what exactly would be healthy... I do know I kick myself in the but everytime I tell my mother in law anything personal about my relationship because somehow her opinions and assumptions about what I need to do seem to get the best of me and I forget to work on my own program / fill with all kinds of nasty fear (she speaks in alanon language yet doesnot walk the talk and treats her husband and other family members with very extreme hostility). However, I also remember an old AA saying about praying for your enemies (sometimes they feel pretty damn close to enemies so I guess it should work). I may give it a try when I am ready to.
It bugs me too that I know I have been a good daughter in law and have tried my hardest to be a good wife and mother. I too am usually very easy going ( also a great people pleaser) to most people that know me, yet I am treated like I am the b*tch. I know when it drives me insane that I must just remember to work on myself and not worry about what or how they may perceive me. Yet, still, for those of us who must be blessed with inlaws that treat us this way, it is sure great to be able to vent (I must work my program now, resentments are setting in!!!)
-Sunflowergirl29
It bugs me too that I know I have been a good daughter in law and have tried my hardest to be a good wife and mother. I too am usually very easy going ( also a great people pleaser) to most people that know me, yet I am treated like I am the b*tch. I know when it drives me insane that I must just remember to work on myself and not worry about what or how they may perceive me. Yet, still, for those of us who must be blessed with inlaws that treat us this way, it is sure great to be able to vent (I must work my program now, resentments are setting in!!!)
-Sunflowergirl29
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Kansas City,Mo
Posts: 478
gracie,
I have been married for 21 Years now and early on I had to tell
the inlaws what I thought of them.Harsh reality is sometimes best.(was for me)
Needless to say they left me alone and kept me out of their crapola.But they didnt like me much because I spoke my mind.
I say..that is fine no love loss here.I married my hubby and took the vows for "us" not them!!
They are a family of I'm never wrong!You are!And I cant stand
people who cant own up to their own mistakes.
Well,Im still married and they dont come around much.
I like the arrangement!
I have been married for 21 Years now and early on I had to tell
the inlaws what I thought of them.Harsh reality is sometimes best.(was for me)
Needless to say they left me alone and kept me out of their crapola.But they didnt like me much because I spoke my mind.
I say..that is fine no love loss here.I married my hubby and took the vows for "us" not them!!
They are a family of I'm never wrong!You are!And I cant stand
people who cant own up to their own mistakes.
Well,Im still married and they dont come around much.
I like the arrangement!
Gift Of Encouragement
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Brighton MI.
Posts: 68
Boop, yesterday I really needed to vent, your way is pretty much how I handle it I dont get caught up in the drama I just put my foot down when my line in the sand has been crossed.
I feel they can have there shallow lives because after dinner Im going home. HUGS Steve
I feel they can have there shallow lives because after dinner Im going home. HUGS Steve
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: saskatchewan
Posts: 26
This is awesome advice- NOT GETTING CAUGHT UP IN THE DRAMA!!! I think this is so important to remember for those of us who have a dysfunctional family (especially those darn inlaws!!!) I am going to speak my mind too (I have a hard time standing up to my mother in law's petty and critical judgements) and lay my cards on the table. It is always better to give a resentment than to keep one, how very true when it comes to her - I am the one miserable right now and why? B/c I got caught up in the sickness of it all and drama. Awesome way to look at it!!
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