questioning427

I met this pretty cool guy. I'm fairly recently out of a serious relationship, but ended it and am at peace withthe fact that it didn't work. This guy is super sweet and makes me laugh. He's been sober for 18 months, but has been instatutionalized the whole time (jail and rehab). Now he's been completely up front about his story, as have I. We've both discussed taking it veeeeeery slowly. Sure he give a kiss every night we see each other before I leave, but its not been further then that. We spend the whole time just talking. As I type this out and reread it, it seems like we're doing things they way we should. I have very little experience with people in recovery, but not a complete str I just don't want to screw things up for him .. he does still have a ton of things to do to rebuild his life, and he is determined to do it... should I put us to the back burner before it gets anywhere so he can focus on his thing?

zoso77

If he has a ton of things to do to rebuild his life, then you have to ask yourself why he's starting a relationship with you. More to the point, why are starting a relationship with someone who has spent most of the past 18 months in either jail or rehab?

I see that you've just joined the board, and I'm very happy that you have. You will find that you're amongst friends. Please take the time to read the sticky notes on the home page and learn about what it is you're dealing with. There is a lot of knowledge to be gained, provided you have an open mind. Please, please be careful.

Welcome to the board.

ZoSo

questioning427

ZoSo- both your questions are very good ones :-) I don't really feel like its starting a "relationship" per say, but I guess it is... I mean we get coffee sit in the car or take a walk, and talk. About what we want in life, pasts, presents, etc.. I guess that it is how you start a relationship, but I feel more like its starting friendship, that has a distinct chance of turning into a relationships in the future.. I don't even know if that makes any sense.

As far as why I'm even giving him the time of day, I saw him on a pretty regular basis, and every time i did, he made me laugh and was helpful and sweet. I don't judge people on their pasts, as long as they're making steps towards their future. Which is something, from what I've seen, he his doing.. he is very passionate about what he wants in his life, and he knows exactly what steps to make and that he can only take one at a time. He also knows that he can/has had a great life, until he made the decision to use.

I dunno, he's really nice and makes me feel good about myself.. and I love that he communticates, because its hard to find a guy that can or is willing to. Which is the most important thng in any relationship to me.

My only concern is if there is a large chance that him getting involved on any level with someone will mess with his soberity. Thanks for your response and advice I look forward to reading ur future posts :-)

Taking5

When did judgment become a negative thing? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You damn well should judge someone on their past (especially recent past). If he had 3 years of sobriety under his own power and not because he was in jail or rehab, I'll concede a little wiggle room.

He is an addict and a convicted criminal (so am I for the record). Recidivism and relapse rates suggest that he'll end up in rehab again, in jail again, or both. He may be the special case that makes it, but you need more evidence at this point before you ignore these cold, hard statistics. He needs years of sobriety on his own that you know about (not what you were told about) before you consider a relationship.

If you proceed be damned careful, JMHO.

outtolunch

You cannot keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

How long has this guy been out of prison?

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR. There are many people here who have had relationships with addicts. And many of the experiences are bad to say the least.

Personally I know that I can never have a relationship with someone in active addiction. Addicts can be the most charming people on earth. They are often very smart and witty. Those are traits that make an addict good at staying addicted.

If he is fairly recently out of jail/prison, his biggest challenges are in the next several months. Although you can't make him use again, you can impact his concentration and lack of concentrating on his own recovery can easily lead him right back.

There's a saying in the rooms of NA and AA. While the addict is in their meetings, their addiction is out in the parking lot doing knuckle pushups. Recovery from addiction is HARD and maintaining healthy relationships is often HARD. Imagine how hard it would be to do both at the same time.

gentle hugs
ke

tomsteve

I dunno, he's really nice and makes me feel good about myself..


you got work to do on you, darlin.

bluebelle

People can say all kinds of nice things and say that they want to be a changed person when they have been in jail and rehab for the last 18 months. Why was he in jail? Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

teke

hi i'm a recovering addict who eventually married that same fun,lovin supposedly recovering addict. my life soon became a living nightmare. it took 21 yrs for me to figure that i had to separated myself from him and his addiction inorder to save my own sanity. his addiction or recovery had nothing to do with me at all, it was all his responsibility.

please read very careful "WHAT ADDICTS DO" found at top of forum page. addicts are master manipulators, watch his actions. recovery is a life long process, it takes total commitment and is a LOT of hard work. it"s easy to stay clean while in jail.

please focus on you, educated yourself on addictions and keep posting. i'll keep you and your friend in my prayers.

questioning427

Dgillz- what I posted was I don't judge people on they're pasts, as long as they're making steps towards their future.. I agree that past behaviors is the best predictor of future, but I strongly believe that people deserve a chance. ALL people mess up and make mistakes, its just my nature to give evryone a chance in any aspect of my life.. so what you saying is that someone shouldnt get involved with an addict unless the have multiple yrs sober under their belt? Thank you for your insight :-)

Outtolunch- I understand that *I* cannot make or break his soberity, I'm concerned that any sort of romantic relationship will be overwhelming in his process.. he's been out 6months

Tomsteve- I have a lot of work to do why? Because I was with a guy who severely under appreciated me and someone else is making me feel good again? Thought this was supposed tbe a supportive place? Thanks for the judgement!


Bluebell- he got caught with a large amount of drugs while being on probation

Teke-thanks for the reading advice, will definatley get on that right now :-)

wicked

When you found this out, that he was caught with a large amount of drugs on him, while he was on probation for a similar crime (was the original charge about drugs?), what did you think about that?

To me, even when he knew he was already in trouble, and on probation, he chose to get involved with drugs that says he is nowhere near getting sober. It's called personal exceptionalism, "nothing can touch me, I am special." Apparently not.

questioning427, maybe you are looking for judgment when there is none.
Tomsteve suggested you work on yourself, do not look outside yourself for validation, and it is extremely dangerous to look for that in an addict.

Normally, I think most people in recovery would say that just 6 months out of jail, he has too many things to do to get his life on the straight and narrow, rather than focusing on a romantic relationship.
If you continue, may I suggest that you watch his actions, and not listen to the words. My ex used to think if he had good intentions and then told me about it, then it was as good as done. That is not reality.

I am not judging you or him. I have been in your position, and my oldest son has been to prison (a crime committed to get money for heroin). I am sharing my experience with addicts, (in recovery myself) and how they think or live. It is all about the drugs. It looks good now, but when he starts using (and he will without a program) everything will go bad quick. Keep both eyes open, watch the actions, don't listen to the words.

Beth

:ghug3

Taking5

That is one of the things I was saying, yes.

reverse

If you want my advice, find someone who is more stable and is not in the midst of recovering from a drug addiction. There are plenty of nice guys out there who will make you laugh, who are able to stand on their own two feet, bring something to the table, and are not walking the tightrope of a drug addiction. Surely, your past relationship(s) may have been bad, but realize there are better guys more suitable and 'safe' for you. It takes time to find the right guy sometimes b/c it's often easy to settle for the first thing that comes along and who gives us attention. Not to mention, a person can tell someone the reasons why they were in jail--but are they really telling the truth? A lot of times, they downplay what 'really' happened in order to make themselves sound more appealing. There is nothing wrong with you saying...I don't think it's the right time for me to be in a relationship right now. If you are afraid of what he will think, that's already not a good sign. Even if he is okay with you wanting to back off from a relationship for now....perhaps re-evaluate your standards of what you want in a partner. What are you willing to settle for and why? What's wrong with finding a funny guy who makes you feel good about yourself who doesn't have such a shady past and isn't walking a tightrope with addiction? He needs to get himself together before he even thinks about starting a serious relationship. Are you willing to start a relationship with someone who has such a serious issue and do you know exactly how you are going to deal with the possibility of him relapsing and/or winding back up in jail? That is a reality you have to face. Just because someone makes you feel good and is nice to you doesn't mean it's a wise decision to start a relationship with them. You mentioned that you have little experience with people in recovery--hence why it makes sense to me that you are even considering a relationship with him. Lastly, you mentioned you don't want to screw things up for his recovery. What about the fact that he could screw up your life because you didn't know any better--and you allowed it? He is responsible for him and you are responsible for you. That's just my opinion based on the facts given.

BeavsDad

"should I put us to the back burner before it gets anywhere so he can focus on his thing?"

Yes.

There's a lot of experience on this forum from folks who have been where you are right now and let their hearts lead them on a path to misery. Please read as many past posts as you can and try to make an educated decision (with your brain).

The next steps you take could seriously define the quality of your life for the next several years.

If you have your own issues, work on those. The "wrong" guys will prey on and exploit any insecurity and self-esteem issues. It'll start when you least expect it, like right after they move in or knock you up.

Happened to my niece, but "he makes me smile"

Good luck.

rjamal

i wouldnt do it. i just got out of a relationship with a heroin addict and he used the its not working stand. no, he was still using, lieing, cheating and was using me. I wouldnt get into a relationship with him, i would find someone who is healthy and who can give you a future or try to give you a future. He is an addict and he is looking for someone to feel the empty void in his life.... addicts always look for love in others because they dont love themselves...........

Vale

So very true,rjamal!

Doingfine

I believe you can be a friend to this guy but it would be harmful to both of you to get into a relationship.

I find that people who have been to jail and then keep on using are reckless and don't care about themselves. And if he is rebuilding his inner strength and healing, I highly doubt that would happen in 6 months. I bet he has been through some extremely traumatic experiences which would make him interesting to talk to but not easy to date him. These experiences scar and need counselling to understand why we did what we did and how to avoid getting weak and going back to drugs In the future.

Why do you have to date? Can't you meet for coffee? I would make damn sure he isn't using as well as he could have people after him such as drug dealers or the police and then you may get involved.

Anyway thats my opinion.

I hope he stays clean