Quacking

Old 05-11-2012, 05:58 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Quacking

Can someone here enlighten me on quacking? I've been working all day today. I'm a paralegal and I have a huge court filing coming up. I have to have my phone on because I've been on it most of the day.

My AH is home, drinking, and constantly calling me. One minute he's calling to say he hates me and make threats, the next minute he calls and says he's lonely and he wants to sing to me, and I'm his best friend.

This is like torture. On one hand, I'm very, very angry. I just want to move on with my life. On the other, there is no one else to worry about him. I'm afraid he's going to drink himself to death. Should I let his family in England know, so they can come and do something if they want to, or do I just leave him to his own devices? This is painful. I feel so alone and there's nothing I can do. I feel good about leaving him, and I feel a sense of calm and peace. But at the same time, I have this crazy person who won't leave me alone for five minutes, and I do care about him, so of course I don't want him to die.
EmmyG is offline  
Old 05-11-2012, 06:10 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Emmy))) - First of all, unless you or his family want to lock him in a room, there is nothing any of you can do to make him stop drinking. I say this as an RA. I'm also a recovering codependent, have loved ones who are still active.

To me, quacking is telling me what they think I want to hear. Anything to keep me on a string, be their enabler, whatever. It's talking about things that their actions show totally different..."I'm really gonna stop this time", "I'm NEVER going to drink/use again", etc.

Is he going to drink himself to death? He might, he might not. He will go either way, with or without you. I don't mean to sound heartless, but I know that it was only by having my family say "ENOUGH" and allowing me to face the consequences of my addiction that I chose recovery. My XABF? It didn't work for him. I have a little over 5 years in recovery, he's dead. I couldn't make him see what he was doing to himself and I finally detached completely. All he had to do was go to a dr., but using was more important. I know addiction inside and out, from both sides of the fence, but I was powerless to make him quit.

You deserve to move on, you are not responsible for what he does - that's all on him, no matter WHAT he says. We A's are really good at drawing people back in with empty promises, dramatics, talk of suicide, etc. What we want is for someone to keep taking care of us while we continue using/drinking.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 05-11-2012, 06:16 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Don't call his family. They may inititally be sympathetic, but they will most likely turn on your and blame you for everything. I speak from experience. He's a grown man. If he wants his family's help, or wants them to know what's going on, he will call them.

Don't try to analyze anything a drunk person says. Or anything a temporarily sober alcoholic says. It's all nonsense: quacking.

There is nothing you can do to prevent him from dying, except to stop enabling him and give him the opportunity to get help. Alcoholics are remarkably resourceful; if you stop enabling him, he will most certainly find someone else who will, unless he decides to get help.

It sounds painful, but he obviously doesn't care about you right now, in the throes of his addiction. If he did care about you, he would stop jeopardizing your job by calling you and he would be at AA as we speak.

Sorry, hope my post doesn't sound harsh-- I'm super busy tonight but wanted to check into the boards. Emmy, you have to love and take care of yourself right now, because sometimes no one else (but your higher power) can be there to do it for you. You must be really smart to be a paralegal! Clearly you are an amazing person to do such a hard job and keep it together while dealing with an alcoholic who is heaping stress on you. Stop answering his calls!!
changeschoices is offline  
Old 05-11-2012, 06:19 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,729
Can you set his phone number to silent or to something different so you will know it's him and can send the call directly to voice mail? You do not have to answer his calls or read his texts. When you reach a point in the evening where work won't be calling, you can turn your phone off. You are going to have to be the one to take control of this because he will harass you as long as you allow it.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 05-11-2012, 08:21 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Climbing hills, flying down...
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Hi Emmy,

First of all, sending you good thoughts and hugs. This is so hard. What I did with my ASis is set the ringtone for her number to a specific sound; that way, I know it's her and I can ignore it because I know she'll just want to spout more drunken crap. Hope that bit of advice helps.
FarawayFromCars is offline  
Old 05-15-2012, 02:52 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by ady gil View Post
The bold part here is SO important IMHO. When an active A is "sober" he/she is doing nothing but obsessing about the how, when and where of the next drink. Nothing is important except that next drink. And this information came to me DIRECTLY from my AH's mouth when he was 6 months sober (in a recovery program) at one point - he talked of the compulsion - he was always - yes always thinking about the next drink, he would compulsively get up and start walking to the store, even if he didn't think he wanted the drink. Anyone or anything else was in the way of thinking about the next drink and his only purpose in dealing with anything else was to get it out of the way as soon as possible in order to think about the when where and how of the next drink.

As to what is "quacking" - to me that is the A saying anything and everything to keep things out of his way so he can either get the next drink or obsess about it. It's easier for them to have an enabler so part of the obsession is keeping us around, it has nothing to do with if they even like us or not in my opinion.

Even after my AH told me all that I stayed after two more relapses before I had him move out - I'm a slow learner.
I'm new here but have been around many drunks in life, and I agree with everything you say. I have a good friend who quacks all the time. She is in a chronic state now and quacks most often about her being a victim. She thinks she is incapable of doing many things that she should be capable of, and most of her quacks have to do with that. She quacks in order to control me so that I will do those things for her.

By the way, where is that hilarious, long quacking thread? As I said, I'm new here, but I'd love to post in it.
PuffysFriend is offline  
Old 05-15-2012, 03:00 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Welcome, Puffy's Friend!
I will go look for it (the thread), another thread is in the stickies.
It is called "sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry."

:ghug3
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...es-me-cry.html

here is the one in the stickies,
Beth
wicked is offline  
Old 05-15-2012, 03:16 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 6
Thanks! So often the quacking has to do with excuses for not being able to function in real life...inability to operate email, get from point A to point B, etc.

Examples: My friend, Puffy, wanted to go to a museum event she was invited to. she had isolated herself in her bedroom for months. When she was unable to find anyone to escort her--to get her there--she asked for advice from a couple of friends and made the attempt on her own. Oh good, we said. She did manage to board the train, but she got on the wrong shuttle after that. My goodness, the quacking that ensued! Screaming quacks about the experience, the evil bus driver, her need to throw up when she got to the wrong destination, etc.! She went to Santa Fe, actually--a great town for museums, art, etc....but the quacking!

I have a question. Does she gag and throw up when she has been away from her beloved vodka? Is the withdrawal process causing this? I have heard so many quacking theories from her that I don't know, but it's what I suspect.
PuffysFriend is offline  
Old 05-15-2012, 04:14 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 31
Cool

[QUOTE=Emmyhe's going to drink himself to death. Should I let his family in England know, so they can come and do something if they want to, or do I just leave him to his own devices?
_________________________________________

share your burden with his family, your friends, anybody you trust that loves you both. It is quite the load to carry and keeping this a secret enables him to keep his addiction going. (Protecting )

I kept my husband meth addiction secret for 3 years. DID NOT TELL A SOUL. It was very depressing and I felt alone and isolated from the world.

it is great that you have this board to share your feelings, but try to reach out to his family as well.

It may not solve anything, but what harm could it do anyways?? The more people onboard to over loving support the better.


Take care friend
Amy27 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:51 AM.