stressedwife

I finished the Codependent No More book and almost through The Verbally Abusive Relationship book. I'm so loaded with information. While reading the latter, I came to realize fully what my situation is. I have been verbally abused for the past 30 years...on top of living with his alcoholism. I was shocked when I realized it....wondered why I didn't realize it before. I know I have many problems and a long way to get to my happy place but I will do it. I will be making an appointment with a counselor in the next week or so. I need help moving in the right direction. I've read the part about trying to set boundaries for the AH/verbal abuser...but I'm not ready to do that nor do I think I even want to. This stress I am living under is about to kill me! I am leaning strongly towards a separation even though the thought scares me. I know it will be harder on me going on my own..with my 2 girls, but I know I can do it. What I can't do is live the way I am...waiting for the next hammer to fall. I also don't think when I do decide to leave that I will be able to tell AH about it face to face. Judging by his reaction to me going to Alanon...he won't take it well. I don't need to hear the derogatory remarks he will make, the yelling, etc etc....wouldn't surprise me if he got so angry he hit me. I will discuss it with my counselor to figure it out. I just need to get better...I am so very tired emotionally. It's also sobering to realize that AH probably doesn't love me in a way I think he does..not like I once loved him. He loves me in the way he is capable of...which isn't a good loving situation. I honestly don't think there is any hope for our relationship which really saddens me.

chronsweet

Once I got passed the sadness, I got mad. I am stuck at mad, bitter, and lonely and just wanting out. My mom is watching DS2 tonight and I am taking myself to an Al-Anon meeting and then going to see a movie for the first time in YEARS. I used to go to movies all the time. I need to start enjoying life again, and I am going to force myself to do it.

I know I will get blamed for cheating, but who.cares.

stressedwife

I hear you Chronsweet....I was so upset earlier today I had to stop work and go talk to my Mom for a while. I did feel better after that. Yes, I am really sad now and I'm sure that will change as I think about it more and more.I have no friend....haven't for a long time because of AH..never knew how he would act...if he would blow up, etc etc. My Mom and my oldest daughter (22) are my best friends. Been out of Alanon for a few days..maybe a week..because I've been sick but will start back next week. I also know I am due a long cry...I feel it has been coming on for a while now, but I have to be alone to do that. Our time together now is like 2 "friends"...he's in the garage drinking beer, smoking cigarettes and watching what he wants on TV. I'm in the house fixing dinner and spending time with the kids..well the oldest. The 18 yo usually goes out. Neither of them have really had friends over ever because of AH. She doesn't even want her b/f to come over for fear her Daddy will embarrass her. He came over a few times but then she stopped having him over. Sadly, AH hasn't even asked why! I still look at the last 30 years as a lot of wasted time. The best thing about it is my 2 girls! I don't like feeling like this but know it's part of the process, but I"m ready to move to the next level.