Once a Codependent always a Codie!!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Once a Codependent always a Codie!!
we say once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, I wonder if it is the say for us codie.
I relapse after doing So good for so long and now I am back to it, I know is not right but can't stop myself.
Am I always going to be codie!!
I relapse after doing So good for so long and now I am back to it, I know is not right but can't stop myself.
Am I always going to be codie!!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by ODAT63 
Am I always going to be codie!!
I look at it like any other learning curve. We may relapse a few times and we may make a few mistakes but I think it is more the process rather than the end result. I mean, as long as you and I and everyone else here are working to be less codependent, then we are surviving and becoming closer to those wonderful qualities that define each of us.
No, I don't believe any of us will always be a codie.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Not qualified at all to comment on the alcoholic part of it, but here is my opinion on the codie part.
I've been on the path of recovery for almost seven years now. My belief has evolved over that time and what I've come to accept is that, as humans, we have particular traits which are a part of who we are that we cannot change. And even if we could, it's probably not a good idea.
Certain traits can manifest in the form of codependent behaviors. It doesn't make the traits bad. It's just the behaviors that are negative. For example, I can use my natural desire to fix things on my house, or on an alcoholic. It's the same personality trait, it's how I use it that matters.
So, my focus in recovery is to identify behaviors that are unproductive or self-defeating, figure out the underlying personality trait the behavior comes from, and find a different, more productive way of expressing that trait.
It's a complete win-win for me since, not only am I minimizing my destructive behaviors, I'm also maximizing my natural strengths! I'm not trying to change who I am, but simply changing how I am.
L
I've been on the path of recovery for almost seven years now. My belief has evolved over that time and what I've come to accept is that, as humans, we have particular traits which are a part of who we are that we cannot change. And even if we could, it's probably not a good idea.
Certain traits can manifest in the form of codependent behaviors. It doesn't make the traits bad. It's just the behaviors that are negative. For example, I can use my natural desire to fix things on my house, or on an alcoholic. It's the same personality trait, it's how I use it that matters.
So, my focus in recovery is to identify behaviors that are unproductive or self-defeating, figure out the underlying personality trait the behavior comes from, and find a different, more productive way of expressing that trait.
It's a complete win-win for me since, not only am I minimizing my destructive behaviors, I'm also maximizing my natural strengths! I'm not trying to change who I am, but simply changing how I am.
L
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, I know that my codependency started as a child of an abusive alcoholic.
Unfortunately, I am still a work in process. Why? because my alcoholic mother is still alive and drinking at age 86. I really feel that I will finally be able to climb over the top of the mountain once she dies...although,I really won't know the answer until she dies ...and, actually there is a chance that she may outlive me...boy...that would be the pitts...talk about ruining ones passage over to the great divide!
Unfortunately, I am still a work in process. Why? because my alcoholic mother is still alive and drinking at age 86. I really feel that I will finally be able to climb over the top of the mountain once she dies...although,I really won't know the answer until she dies ...and, actually there is a chance that she may outlive me...boy...that would be the pitts...talk about ruining ones passage over to the great divide!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 317
Some of my best friends are codependents (jk,jk), but my particular defects of character don't manifest themselves that way.
What I can say is that if I didn't believe that change was possible, I wouldn't be here.
I've been in Al-anon for two years, and I know I've changed. And I believe that I'm "better" at the two year mark than I was at the one year mark. And I've seen similar changes in some...no all...of the people that started the program around the time I did.
When I started the program, I didn't know I had any defects of character. The thought crossed my mind: "The alcoholic is the one with the problems, why do I need a program?" It didn't take long for me to recognize that I had been damaged by living with alcoholism, and at first I used the program to recover and heal.
Later though, I started to recognize that yes, I've got problems of my own that I need to work on. Some of those issues can be removed, some problems take longer to deal with. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing "Whack-a-mole."
I hear some people in the program who say "I keep coming back because when I don't go to meetings I go back to my old behaviors." Maybe that's true. I prefer to think that I keep coming back because the process of improving myself is continuous. The more I improve, the wider and more open my world gets and I have more opportunities for improvement.
When I was focused on the alcoholic I was only focused on the alcoholic. Now, I recognize that the only person I can change or improve is myself...and that one concept is liberating. I've gone from bondage to freedom.
What I can say is that if I didn't believe that change was possible, I wouldn't be here.
I've been in Al-anon for two years, and I know I've changed. And I believe that I'm "better" at the two year mark than I was at the one year mark. And I've seen similar changes in some...no all...of the people that started the program around the time I did.
When I started the program, I didn't know I had any defects of character. The thought crossed my mind: "The alcoholic is the one with the problems, why do I need a program?" It didn't take long for me to recognize that I had been damaged by living with alcoholism, and at first I used the program to recover and heal.
Later though, I started to recognize that yes, I've got problems of my own that I need to work on. Some of those issues can be removed, some problems take longer to deal with. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing "Whack-a-mole."
I hear some people in the program who say "I keep coming back because when I don't go to meetings I go back to my old behaviors." Maybe that's true. I prefer to think that I keep coming back because the process of improving myself is continuous. The more I improve, the wider and more open my world gets and I have more opportunities for improvement.
When I was focused on the alcoholic I was only focused on the alcoholic. Now, I recognize that the only person I can change or improve is myself...and that one concept is liberating. I've gone from bondage to freedom.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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I have been living with codependent behavior since I was a kid. I did not grow up with active addiction, but I did grow up with two adult children.
I started working my eating disorder recovery 12 years ago this summer, and codependent stuff came up and I started to work.
Three years into recovery I met my exAH and a whole new level of my behavior was uncovered. I do know this though, I don't know that I would have survived the marriage without the work I had done previously.
I have improved the whole time. Like a non-healing wound if I don't clean this stuff out it will continue to infect my life. But healing and cleaning sometimes happen at the same time.
If you have seen the movie Shrek he talks about being a complicated ogre and he has many layers like an onion.
I am a complicated human, but my layers are like an artichoke. The tough stuff is on the outside, but as I remove layers something else might come up again....it is a deeper and more fullfilling layer. The end result is getting to the delicious heart of the artichoke though.
I started working my eating disorder recovery 12 years ago this summer, and codependent stuff came up and I started to work.
Three years into recovery I met my exAH and a whole new level of my behavior was uncovered. I do know this though, I don't know that I would have survived the marriage without the work I had done previously.
I have improved the whole time. Like a non-healing wound if I don't clean this stuff out it will continue to infect my life. But healing and cleaning sometimes happen at the same time.
If you have seen the movie Shrek he talks about being a complicated ogre and he has many layers like an onion.
I am a complicated human, but my layers are like an artichoke. The tough stuff is on the outside, but as I remove layers something else might come up again....it is a deeper and more fullfilling layer. The end result is getting to the delicious heart of the artichoke though.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
This is a slow and gentle path, one of the things I noticed as I have been going along is that I was having the same ideas about my own feelings as I felt about the abuse I was receiving in my realtionship.. Missing him, feeling down, feeling afraid. I was having the same reaction to my process as I was to feeling like I was allowing myself to be abused. I hated it and I was beating myself up for my feelings. It's a form of self abuse.
My personal goal is to find some kind of acceptance and peace in my life, I do that by letting go of the things I do not control, very 12 step ish lol. The twelve steps IMO can be beneficial to everyone, but the path through them is littered with struggle, I don't know where I will end up, but what I have incorported in my life now, is continually reminding myself, that finding peace is wrought with struggle, I get to have my intense feelings , and be in my own agony and still have moments of peace everyday, moments when I know that it's okay, tomorrow will bring something new that will put a smile on my face, but most importantly that I am loveable, and it's okay to love myself. Not perfect yet. Enlightenment is very painful, but very neccesary.
If I slip, I will learn something. xoxoxoxoox
My personal goal is to find some kind of acceptance and peace in my life, I do that by letting go of the things I do not control, very 12 step ish lol. The twelve steps IMO can be beneficial to everyone, but the path through them is littered with struggle, I don't know where I will end up, but what I have incorported in my life now, is continually reminding myself, that finding peace is wrought with struggle, I get to have my intense feelings , and be in my own agony and still have moments of peace everyday, moments when I know that it's okay, tomorrow will bring something new that will put a smile on my face, but most importantly that I am loveable, and it's okay to love myself. Not perfect yet. Enlightenment is very painful, but very neccesary.
If I slip, I will learn something. xoxoxoxoox
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
Every moment is a NEW moment. You can remake yourself in any way you can imagine. You are not doomed to repeat yourself.
The same goes for addicts. The reason they say "Once an addict, always and addict" is because it's more helpful for them to remember the darkness their addiction caused them in order to avoid it, but they too are remaking their lives into something new, refreshing and unimaginable at every moment, one step at a time, one day at a time.
You can, too!
The same goes for addicts. The reason they say "Once an addict, always and addict" is because it's more helpful for them to remember the darkness their addiction caused them in order to avoid it, but they too are remaking their lives into something new, refreshing and unimaginable at every moment, one step at a time, one day at a time.
You can, too!
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