dk914

My boyfriend of about 2 and half years has been battling drug addiction since before I met him. When we first got together I sorta knew he had a problem and sometimes I can't believe I put up with it...but there was something about him that I was not ready to give up on. My friends all thought I should leave him and that he isn't someone I should be with. I ended up getting pregnant and when I was 5 months along and after having my suspicions, my bf admitted to having a problem and said that he wants help and needs to go into a detox program. He went to a 5 day detox program and they were the longest 5 days ever. I was so devastated that this was happening. I never really understood the drug and what it does to you so I was shocked when he told me this. When he got out he was a happy person, happy to be clean. he went to a couple meetings and then just stopped going to them. I was always concerned about this but I knew nagging him about going would not make anything better. THe baby came and almost a year after his detox stay, we are back in the same situation. HE began using again. for a while i had my suspicions but he denied. he finaly came to me saying he messed up and needed help cause he can't do it on his own. he tried but he would end up using because he would feel like crap and couldnt get through the day. he has again checked himself into detox. he wa sable to call me and he said that he is considering a 30 day rehab. i am so proud of him for taking it upon himself to get help. i truely believe he wants to change and be there for both me and our son. but a part of me is just fed up with this situation and im terrified it will happen again. how much of this can i put up with? i have my own problesm with stress and being a stay at home mom with the baby and there are also other problems between me and him that have been going on. we been fighting alot lately and numerous times have talked about ending the relationship. we have financial issues. i stay at home with the baby, he works. so i am still living at home with my mom and he lives at his house with his family during the week. (my mom isn't his biggest fan adn doesnt want him living with us and only will let him sleep over on weekends.) i know that if he decides to go to rehab, she will only see the bad about it and probably will never let him at the house again. im just so confused and dont know what to do. i dont really have anyone to talk to. i love him so much and he is my best friend. i want him to get better and get help. i want to be there for him, give him all my love and support. but a part of me is saying that i should just leave - even though its not what i want. i feel like i have to leave, i need to do what is best for me and the baby. but i don't want to. i feel so lost. to make matters worse, my mom is away for this week, so its just me and the baby right now. im so lonely. i have been looking forward to this week for it to be just me, him and the baby - as a family and also to enjoy my first mothers day. but nowim finding myself sitting here at night, with no one to talk to. i can't talk to my friend beause they alreayd think i should leave him and they will never understand. they also don't know that he still has drug issues. i need some guidance. i never thought i would ever be in a situation like this. i want for us to be a happy family so bad and its just falling apart.

bunkie65

Dear im so hurt. Your "gut" is trying to tell you something. And I too know the loneliness you speak of and the the torn mindset on wht 2 do. Also the loving someone and wanting desperately to fix them make it all better, love them through it, not give up on them. The list goes on! However I can not control addiction, I can't cure it and I did not cause it, nor can you or did you. I went to an alnon meeting hoping and praying they would tell me how to fix him and make life grand..... quite the oppisite happened, they shared their experiences, hopes and strengths ... gave me tools to make me better, ya see when we live with addiction it makes us sick, without realizing it. I had to look at me and learn how to get healthy in my mind, and spirit.

I can't tell you what to do. I can pray for you and offer my experiences and what worked and works for me. I can encourage you to go to a meeting and try at least 6 before you decide if its for you. I canalso tell you I hve two sons with my ex addict and had to do what was best for them and me and that was leave. Its been 6 years and he is still using.

All I know is I have to keep the focous on me, take one day at a time, pray for the courgage to change the things I can, to accept the things I can't and wisdom to know the difference and for Gods will for my life and the power to carry that out! I will be saying prayers for all of you.

Take care of you sweetie and your son. Let God guide you and also if God is big enough to take care of you then you have to trust he is big enough to take care of your bf.

outtolunch

What you expected and wanted out of this relationship is very different from the cold hard reality of this situation.

There is nothing you can say or do that will keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are. If all it took was love and support to snap anyone out of addiction, none of us would be here.

Has he been making meaningful and consistent financial contributions to the support of his child?

EnglishGarden

Welcome, dk, I'm very sorry for your painful situation. I know this isn't the life you'd hoped for with your abf.

First things first: The baby. The best thing for you to do is stay with your mom, and abf stays with his parents, just as you have it right now. Your little baby is very fragile, babies need our 100% attention and love and protection. It isn't your child's fault that the father is a drug addict. It will be up to you to protect your child, and one way of doing that is to stay with your mother, in a drug-free home, with someone mature and sober to help you give all the love and care your innocent child needs. Please remember that everything you do today, as a mother, affects whether your child has a chaotic and painful childhood, or a peaceful and happy one.

Your abf will probably use drugs for quite a much longer time before he gets clean and sober ( if he does get clean and sober, of course, which we hope he will eventually). I am sorry to say it may be counted in years, the time he will continue to use. Or he may get clean for short periods and relapse repeatedly, on and off. During all this time, he will have mood swings, he will emotionally withdraw, he will physically disappear, he will likely start to blame you for the problems in the relationship, and he will be inconsistent in giving you money to support you and your child.

So, stay with your mom. Train for a job of some kind to start as soon as you feel you can leave the child in daycare. Respect the sacrifice your mother is making for you and never allow your abf in her home if he is not clean and sober and is not treating you and the baby responsibly. And don't lie for him. That starts the long path to violation of all your principles, for the sake of a drug addict.

We are glad you are here and hope the forum helps you in many ways.

teke

HI, im so sorry you are going through all of this. i can totally relate to your situation. i've been there and it took me 21 years to realize i had to separate myself from him and his addiction inorder to literally save my own sanity. sorry to say, i didnt leav soon enough, i now have adult kids who were effected.

please read the stickies at the top of the forum page. there is nothing you can do to help him, he has to do what it takes to help himself. watch his actions, unless he is committed to his recovery, his addiction will continue to get progressively worse.

keep the focus on you and your baby, set goals for you and work toward them and keep posting here. you are not alone, we all are here for you. i'll keep you and your family in my prayers