Finally honest with myself - and him
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24
Finally honest with myself - and him
My AH said he needed to go to ER yesterday to get something to help with his WD from painkillers. Swore he wasn't going to get pills and made a big deal about since he told them he was addicted and trying to detox he could never get any more pills in these 2 counties. Said they gave him an IV and a prescription for nausea meds and told me the pharmacy he dropped it off at (I refused to give him cash before he left).
On my way to my first Nar Anon meeting, that familiar feeling hit me in the gut - he's lying! Never saw his discharge papers. Unfortunately the NarAnon meeting person never showed up so after 20 min I left (there was only 1 other girl there and it was her first time too). I was going to do him a favor and pick up his prescription on the way home but I recognized that I was obsessing over it because I knew I would find out he lied. Because I'm trying to take a different approach to things and I've been reading "Codependent No More" I was trying to sort through why it mattered.
I asked myself how I would feel if he was really telling the truth. That's when it hit me - I wouldn't be relieved. I wanted him to be lying so it could give me a reason to leave him. Addicted or recovering, clean or not, I want out of this relationship.
Of course, at the pharmacy they said that he did drop off a prescription last night but it was at a different location. I asked them to confirm what it was and she told me Percocet. When I got home I was very calm and simply told him what I learned. He flipped out saying he told the truth, showed me his discharge papers (which said he went in for chronic back pain and that they prescribed him percocet). He insisted they made a mistake and was ready to head to the ER to get his records to prove himself. I told him it didn't matter because I would never believe him. I told him I wasn't kicking him out, I wasn't yelling or screaming, "proving" himself wouldn't change anything.
I refused to fight and stayed calm. I refused to discuss things in front of the kids. I told him the truth - that I wanted out. He got mad and demanded I take him to a friend's house which I did. He is trying to text me and sweet talk me but then he got mad when I replied "I love you too but I meant what I said, I want to end this relationship."
I really hope he will understand that I mean it and try to help me do what's best for the kids in a difficult situation. However, I'm preparing myself for more sweet talking and attempted manipulation and guilt trips. I don't know what the future holds - he might come back in the house, he might threaten suicide. Surprisingly, coming to this decision and telling him how I felt, most of the anxiety I have been feeling is gone. I feel at peace with this decision and I am willing to deal with whatever lies ahead.
I am actually excited to start working on my recovery - I used to love running but haven't done it in a year. I'm going to get back to the gym because I used to feel so good when I was exercising regularly. I'm going to stop filling my body with junk food and eat fruits and veggies again. No matter how he takes this, he is not my responsibility. It is not my addiction, the consequences of his actions are not mine to bear. He is so worried I've been cheating on him or plan to but I'm not even remotely interested in that. I have to take the time to work on myself and give my kids a happy and healthy home environment. I find myself getting ready to step off the merry-go-round and it feels great.
On my way to my first Nar Anon meeting, that familiar feeling hit me in the gut - he's lying! Never saw his discharge papers. Unfortunately the NarAnon meeting person never showed up so after 20 min I left (there was only 1 other girl there and it was her first time too). I was going to do him a favor and pick up his prescription on the way home but I recognized that I was obsessing over it because I knew I would find out he lied. Because I'm trying to take a different approach to things and I've been reading "Codependent No More" I was trying to sort through why it mattered.
I asked myself how I would feel if he was really telling the truth. That's when it hit me - I wouldn't be relieved. I wanted him to be lying so it could give me a reason to leave him. Addicted or recovering, clean or not, I want out of this relationship.
Of course, at the pharmacy they said that he did drop off a prescription last night but it was at a different location. I asked them to confirm what it was and she told me Percocet. When I got home I was very calm and simply told him what I learned. He flipped out saying he told the truth, showed me his discharge papers (which said he went in for chronic back pain and that they prescribed him percocet). He insisted they made a mistake and was ready to head to the ER to get his records to prove himself. I told him it didn't matter because I would never believe him. I told him I wasn't kicking him out, I wasn't yelling or screaming, "proving" himself wouldn't change anything.
I refused to fight and stayed calm. I refused to discuss things in front of the kids. I told him the truth - that I wanted out. He got mad and demanded I take him to a friend's house which I did. He is trying to text me and sweet talk me but then he got mad when I replied "I love you too but I meant what I said, I want to end this relationship."
I really hope he will understand that I mean it and try to help me do what's best for the kids in a difficult situation. However, I'm preparing myself for more sweet talking and attempted manipulation and guilt trips. I don't know what the future holds - he might come back in the house, he might threaten suicide. Surprisingly, coming to this decision and telling him how I felt, most of the anxiety I have been feeling is gone. I feel at peace with this decision and I am willing to deal with whatever lies ahead.
I am actually excited to start working on my recovery - I used to love running but haven't done it in a year. I'm going to get back to the gym because I used to feel so good when I was exercising regularly. I'm going to stop filling my body with junk food and eat fruits and veggies again. No matter how he takes this, he is not my responsibility. It is not my addiction, the consequences of his actions are not mine to bear. He is so worried I've been cheating on him or plan to but I'm not even remotely interested in that. I have to take the time to work on myself and give my kids a happy and healthy home environment. I find myself getting ready to step off the merry-go-round and it feels great.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Good for you to be putting your own and your chirldren's welfare before addiction.
If you are vulnerable to the sweet talk, you have the power to protect yourself and children. Is there any rational reason to continue to take or read his calls/texts?
If you are vulnerable to the sweet talk, you have the power to protect yourself and children. Is there any rational reason to continue to take or read his calls/texts?
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