changeschoices

Here on F&F of alcholics, I hear so much concern for our A's. We worry if they are okay, we feel guilty if we abandon them, we wonder what we can do to help them. If you go to the Alcoholism and Recovery boards, the people posting are worried about their drinking. As they should be. But I do not hear the obsessive, worried thoughts about their loved ones.

We say, "I am so worried about my A getting arrested for DUI". On the other boards, they are not saying, "I am so worried about my codie crying herself to sleep alone tonight, worrying about me getting arrested tonight".

We say, "How will I pay the bills if my A gets fired from his job?" They do not say, "I don't know how my family will survive if I get fired."

We say, "I wonder if he is out cheating on my while he leaves me alone at home?" They do not say, "I wonder if another man is in our bed while I'm out drinking all night".

We say, "What is this doing to our children?" They do not say, "What have I done to my children?"

This is not to diminish the struggles of the alcoholics. It is to clarify to myself that my XA is addicted to alcohol, but I became addicted to him and to life with an alcoholic.

LaTeeDa

I had the same epiphany after I had been here for a couple of months. On the A side of the board, they focus on themselves. On this side of the board, we focus on them. Those of us over here could learn something from them I think.

L

TakingCharge999

I had known for a long time I was not a priority in XABF's life, meetings and forums just confirmed what my intuition had told me before. Any addiction is sad and I am glad there are many of us healing every day and placing our priorities straight.

RedCandle

Too ironic! I always hop over there to gain insight from the "other side" and I am ALWAYS amazed (although, I shouldn't be!) that there is NEVER a post about worry over a wife/husband/child/parent. I'm not saying they don't worry....but their posts are never like ours. Sometimes, I find that really aggravating...but it often makes me think about where my attention and concern is directed (answer: not me).

EmmyG

I am at my parents' and my mom showed me the flowers my dad got for her. He arranged big flower pots all over the back deck so she can sit out there while she recovers from illness. Just made me question when the last time was that my AH did anything with me in mind.

Seren

Hello CC!

I'm glad that you are beginning to learn that it is a perfectly good thing for you to take care of yourself. You are worth it!

Several posts have been removed from this thread under Rule 4.
Remember that we all want the same thing in the end--to live a peaceful and happy life.

LifeRecovery

I attend Al-anon for myself and go to open AA meetings to learn about the disease of alcoholism.

One of the reasons I continue to go to the open meetings is because the sharing is much more appropriately "I" centered. That is something I struggle with and it is healing for me to watch that part of recovery, and to learn from it.

I have also been pleasantly amused about how much laughter there is in open meetings. Al-anon can often be very, very serious where I live (which is not inappropriate), the open meetings though often have a lightness from some of the shares that you don't always see in Al-anon. That is helping me to learn that recovery can have moments of lightness and fun.

lizatola

Wow, thank you for sharing this. I am very new to recovery and my AH is not in any kind of program even though he's not drinking, but I never really thought about the contrast between our sides of the street. It really brings to light how their addiction and behaviors turn us into addicted people too. I guess I always thought I was being a good mom when I worried about the future of our family, or about my son's safety in the car with him. I never realized that he really just didn't think about those things and that I was becoming addicted in my own way. Crazy making, all of it.