Learningtodeal

I had no idea how hard this was going to be. I am trying so hard to detach and leave ABF to his own devices. He's weaning off the subutex and says he's "going to do it", "I'm so different than I was", "you have to have faith." All the right words but very little action. This just started this week. His attempts to wean from the subutex to nothing and my attempts to let him do or not do as he pleases. But, I keep finding myself doubting his sincerity, being invested in his decisions, wanting to know where he stands, and analyzing every action. He won't go to NA but he claims he will see his therapist once a week for personal and once for group. I should be okay with that and let it go. But, instead I am analyzing the fact that he cancelled his therapist appt today because of an important meeting and that he's not going to group tomorrow cause he needs to see a sober friend because he's blown him off too many times, blah blah. If he were serious, then at least ONE of these things would take priority. So, I'm feeling my hope dwindle. But, it's hope I shouldn't have in the first place. Hope for change that I can't control is what has gotten me here in the first place. I'm supposed to be disregarding all of this and focusing on me, not him. Yet, my thoughts keep going back to that obsessive, micro-managing place where my hostility builds and my resentment grows. And my life takes a back seat to his. It's my fault that his needs have trumped those of anyone else in the family, because I've allowed it to happen. If I could go to an alanon meeting right now, then I would but the child are issues get in the way. That and my absolute lack of motivation to do basically anything. I've been neglecting the chores that I so desperately need to do because I just can't force myself to do them while I'm feeling this low. Ugh. Pity party, party of one. Lol.

dollydo

" I've been neglecting the chores that I so desperately need to do because I just can't force myself to do them while I'm feeling this low."

The only thing I can say is that the longer you procrastinate the more difficult it will be.

For me, the more depressed I became the deeper the hole became.

If you plan ahead, I would think that you could make arrangements for child care.

You can get your life back...if...that is what you want...

Learningtodeal

I'm getting there. It actually helped me a lot to just post this, to vent my frustrations and spend a few minutes feeling sorry for myself before getting on with getting on. Yes, I believe that all things are possible if I want them bad enough. But, I also think that our life does put limits on us. Child care, with planning, is possible. I could drive across town and drop her with a friend for an hour. But, in a moment of feeling weak, I do not have the luxury of dropping evything and going to a meeting whenever the mood strikes. I just need to allow myself moments to feel weak and exhausted then stand up and do what I need to do. It's part of coping and healing. I can't expect to be fixed overnight. So, even if i find myself reverting or feeling sorry for myself for a moment or two, as long as I remain forward-moving, it will all be for the best in the end. I'm happy that these boards exist so I can externalize my mini-breakdowns instead of keeping these thoughts bottled up inside like I have for so long.

Windmills

I have childcare issues too I decided to choose one meeting that I really love and attend it every week. I know exactly when I need to leave and when I'll be home (I get lifts from another member who is aware of my situation). My mum or sister watch my daughter for the 3 hours I'm gone. I also stay in touch with friends from the meeting by phone during the week which is an amazing thing, I would be a wreck if I didn't have those lifelines.
I know AlAnon is bigger than FA but I found that when people identified with my situation they offered me their number, and after meeting them a few times I felt comfortable enough to text or call them. Just a suggestion

nytepassion

See the correlation here? He is neglecting to put his recovery first as you are. You can see what he is doing or not doing, yet you are doing the same thing. If he doesn't take the necessary steps to nurture his recovery then you know what will ultimately happen. It works the same way for us as codies. We have to make our recovery our priority or you get stuck in the same ol' viscous cycle. The merry-go round effect.

It is hard cause we have waited so long for them get into recovery and so when they do we have a renewed sense of hope that fizzles out with each missed group, canceled therapy session. Actions do speak louder than words. His are definitely saying that he is on dangerous territory if he doesn't start doing the necessary foot work. All the more reason for you to plunge into your own recovery. Just as sick as we get of them using they get of us micro-managing. It is part of the dance of codependency on our part.

You are very aware of what you are doing is not good for your recovery and that is a sign of growth in itself I found that when I was weakening in an area of my recovery that reading and rereading about (lets say) detaching with love or how to detach with love. Knowledge truly is power. It was like a light in a dark tunnel for me. It showed me the way out. The path to sanity.

You can't stop him from doing what he's going to do, but you can put all that energy into your own recovery and be okay regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I have no doubt that you have been enlightened and you will arrive at that place in your recovery.

Hugs,
Passion

lightseeker

the thing that helps me to stay out of the pity party for one is to work the recovery program that I wish other's would work. If I can't/won't do it there is no way to expect that someone else might do it.

Even if you can't get to face to face meetings there are on-lines that are available to at least touch base with. I know that when I've faltering I come to our site here (which I'm doing right now).

My experience is that I waited for years and years to see results from all of the promises and rationalizations that my ex husband used in regards to his recovery and counseling. Even when I left it up to him I was in the background with my awareness of whether he was going or not. He went "just enough" and said "just enough" that I continued to hold out hope. He used to say to me "don't leave before the miracle happens".....good heavens....what a ploy that was!

It's really hard to do what you are doing but in the long run it's just better to be alone than with someone with promises that are broken. I saw what it did to me (depression, disconnection from my own life, the inability to get things done) and the few crumbs I did get from him were not worth it. I kept waiting around for my hopes to come true and it almost destroyed me.

hang in there.....

hope213

let it go. you can do nothing to help him. it is his addiction when he wants to stop he will. i am sorry u have gotten caught up in his web. read around.