Adventure

Hi all

Struggling a lot this week and something happened this evening that irritated/bothered me way more than I expected.

Rewind about 10 days.... I confided in a friend/work colleague about my home situation. She is someone I 100% trust and knew would be good for me to talk to her. She had suspiciouns about my AH as we live fairly near each other, and our husbands go back a long way. Her husband has actually tried to talk to my AH in the past. She listened and listened and listened, and helped me think about things in a way I hadn't thought of them before. I am having a very difficult time in work at the moment and my crappy personal life has made it almost intolerable for me. I have no safe haven - I can't escape from work at home, and I can't escape from home at work. It has caused me a huge amount of stress and has recently become unmanageable.

My friend was shocked at how difficult everything has become for me, and told me that from where she was sitting it seemed like I had been stuck in my situation for so long, that I had normalised what is in reality a crisis. I never thought of it like that before, and was blown away by this statement. It made me very sad to think I have, over a long period of time, allowed this to happen.

Fast forward to tonight. I attend an Al Anon meeting on a Wednesday. My AH has been aware of these from the day I started. Initially he either wouldn't acknowledge them at all, or would bring them up when trying to start a fight and say they are brainwashing me etc. etc. (whatever!). His uneasiness has started to lessen recently, and then tonight he asked "Are you off to your meeting? Sure why don't you take my (new) car seeing as you haven't tried it yet?". The reality of this statement hit me like a tonne of bricks. Not only does the fact or the reason that I am attending Al Anon meetings not even register with him any more. But it was like he was sending me off with a pat on the head to go and get myself better, while he sits at home enjoying the nag-free time I cannot describe the sick feeling in my stomach - it was hours ago and it still won't go away. He is completely immune to the fact that I am getting help for myself to learn how to move on with my life after the damage caused to it by his alcoholism.

I can hear him in the next door bedroom snoring like a train now and I want to just freak the hell out. Sorry for the long rant - just can't believe how reality kicks in randomly every now and again and makes me remove my head from the sand......

Katiekate

((((((Adventure))))))))

NewbieJ

Wow. Well we are all here for you.

I have a question from something you said - "I...allowed this to happen." How did you allow it to happen? Do you feel you enabled him, have codependency issues, etc.? It reminded me of the 3 C's of Al Anon - "I didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it."

LifeRecovery

Adventure-

I have been away from my relationship at year and a half and divorce over a year.

I am just now writing a "history" of the relationship, and I am realizing how much I continued to allow unacceptable behavior and tried to make it "normal."

To me though that is different than feeling like I am the cause of the drinking, abuse etc. That I know I did not cause.

The only analogy that comes to mind is if someone steps on my toe. A "normal" response is ouch and go on about the day. Instead when I had an insult greater than a toe squash happen to me I tried to figure out how come I did not move my toe in time to not have it squashed, why was my toe so big in the first place and most importantly how could I make sure it never got in the way again of my loved one. If I took the problem on as my own then I had some control over it....and would attempt to work on it (most importantly).

Finally for me denial was a bandaid that came off very slowly. I was in so much shock that as I started to come out of it I could only handle some reality at a time.

That was honestly some of the hardest times in this recovery. I did not have the panacea of denial to hide in, and I had a lot of reality and emotions to work through.

Take care of you, you are worth it.

SoloMio

One of the best things I've experienced with having good therapists (which I haven't utilized as much as I should have) is that they hold a mirror up to "normal." I remember telling a therapist things and I saw right away in their face and in their response that I was accepting something unacceptable--taking as normal something not normal. They didn't justify, they didn't turn it around on me, they simply said, "THAT is UNacceptable." And I would think to myself, "oh, yeah?" Like one time when I took the kids on a visit to see my extended family, which I did very rarely as they live in another state. AH bailed on me that day, and so I went alone. My EAP counselor just looked at me and said, "When you're married you do those things together. That is unacceptable."

I didn't realize that he should have supported me and come with me on that trip. I didn't want to make him do anything he didn't want to do.

It's funny how I literally need someone to provide that thermometer.

SoloMio

Double post.

wicked

"I didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it."

I cannot speak for Adventure Newbie, but this "allowing" she speaks of reminds me of the frog in the pot story.
The frog gets in the pot, the water is comfortable, someone turns on the gas, and slowly, ever so slowly the frog doesn't notice it is boiling until it is too late.
Slowly over a long time.

The snoring is horrible, absolutely wall shaking, impossible to sleep and obnoxious.
I swear the fury I would get about not sleeping made me about crazy.

Beth

Adventure

Thank you all so much not only for taking the time to read my long post but for replying too.

NewbieJ, I almost completely live by the 3 C's and can honest say that I have done for a long time. I suppose what I was saying I allowed to happen directly relates to me and how I have allowed my life to go down the route it has and have allowed myself to normalise the ridiculous. I suppose it is a survival thing where sometimes it's easier to just plod along with my fingers in my ears than to face up to reality. Hope that makes a bit of sense?

SoloMio, yes, there are so many UNacceptable things in my life, and I don't understand why I continue to accept them. Have two weddings coming up in the next month, both of which I'll attend on my own. Perfectly normal if I was single but not for someone who is still "married". Another example is the awful time I'm going through at work - I should be able to come home and have a rant and even a cry and then a cuddle but instead I've to dread opening the front door, and play the avoiding game all night.

Wicked, someone told that very frog story at my Al Anon meeting last night - how true it is. As for the snoring, it has made me think homicidal thoughts on more than one occassion. Even my poor dad's snoring is a trigger for me these days......

So many people here are giving me incredible hope that very soon I will be brave/strong enough to walk out the door and not look back. I know it's in me to do it, and I know it's what I want - it's like I'm waiting for someone to come, pack my bags for me, take me by the hand and bring me somewhere peaceful. Any takers? I'll pay the airfare!

So thanks again to you all and God Bless this place and Al Anon for making me stronger every day.

Adventure

chronsweet

OMG, I have been having a hard time dealing with the snoring lately. I actually recorded it on my iphone and played it back to him. Trying to role ABF over on his side so he doesn't snore so dang loud SO I CAN SLEEP, sometimes causes arguments, and him becoming beligerant. I have taken to either sleeping with my 2 year old lately or on the couch. Sometimes I lock him outta the room if I happen to get in the bedroom before he does.

Drunken snoring is so freaking obnoxious, it is hard to explain the fury it causes in me.

changeschoices

Keep going to AlAnon. Eventually, you will be able to be your own knight in shining armor and will walk out the door to your new life. It sounds like you're getting closer. You'll know when it's time.

pathway

Very True!!!!!

Adventure

Thank you so much

Katiekate

Thank you so much for this!! It was so helpful:ghug3

Adventure

Hi chronsweet
AH and I have been in separate rooms most of our 5 years married life. Originally it was due to his snoring which I didn't realise was caused by his nightly secret drinking, and for the last 3 years or so has been due to his refusal to stop drinking. That is the only boundary I've followed through on 100% - he drinks, he sleeps in the spare room. He gave up trying to come in to my room a long time ago - so I consider us separated even if we legally are not.

Right now, it's 12.20 at night, I am in a separate room, with my earplugs in, and I can still hear the snoring. I am fit to be tied up with the rage right now. Another couple of minutes and he is gonna get it

Adventure

I somehow missed your post LifeRecovery, and wow what a post.

Yes, I think this is what I tried to describe but not near as well as you have done.

I am scared about this, if it has the impact that AH's comments had last night - it is going to be a rocky road for me.

Thank you so much, what a lovely thing to say.

Adventure

chronsweet

Adventure,

Unfortunately I don't have a spare bedroom, wish I did, because I'd be in there myself. I have tried telling him he can't come into the bedroom while he is drunk (which is every stinking night) but he won't listen. Hard to talk to / rationalize with a drunk (sigh). Fighting or trying to kick him outta bed doesn't work and just causes my little guy stress, so although I bought the damn bed (as well as nearly everything we have), he gets to sleep in it and I get stiff necks from sleeping on the couch or in a twin bed with my son. I am taking the dang bed when I move out in September if he doesn't get some help (which he probably won't), and he can go back to sleeping on a friend's couch or air mattress like he was when I met him. Geesh, I can't believe how freaking codie I have been letting this guy into my life. The air mattress, lack of car, loser job and multiple roomies SHOULD have been a clue, huh???? LOL.

Krys

I lived with my abf for almost 6 years. He has a deviated septum (from prior drug use) so snoring was always an issue, but was worse when he started drinking. I used to ask him to roll over, flick his ear, poke, even pinch (he is a VERY sound sleeper) and then one night I got so mad I threw a pillow on his face. Didn't work so I gave him a little kick in the butt. I didn't realize he was on the edge of the bed...he fell off. We have hardwood floors so the humungous bang when he hit the floor more than likely woke my downstairs neighbor. I tried to hide the fact that I was laughing hysterically by hiding my face in the pillow and even pretended I had nothing to do with it. "What happened...did you fall?" He didn't buy it and went and slept on the couch...and I got a good nights sleep for once! Immature? Yep. Worth the laugh I still get every time I think of his surprised face popping back up over the edge of the bed? Hell ya! lol. Every now and again I think about it and smile and he will ask "why are you smiling?" I don't even try to hide it, I say "remember that time I kicked you and fell off the bed?" He doesn't think it's so funny. Ha!

Katiekate

Lmao

suki44883

You might try using a box fan, turned on high. I use one and it drowns out almost all other noises. Perhaps that, along with your earplugs, you can get some sleep.

Adventure

So I went and banged his door repeatedly - not too loudly but loud enough to wake him from his drink/pill enduced sleep. When he eventually woke I said "So, is that really annoying?", and he said "Yes", to which I replied "Not as annoying as your (bleep bleep bleep) snoring". Closed the door, went back to bed, and slept like a log

Chronsweet, on occassions in the past where nothing will wake him, I've resorted to pinching his nostrils in my desperation. Not for very long of course, just a second or two, works a treat!

Suki, would the box fan not keep me awake? Or is it one of those loud but soothing noises?

Adventure