Finally ready to finish step 1!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Finally ready to finish step 1!
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes. I tried and I tried. Nothing ever changed, things just became worse.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
He is not me. He is a whole other person with 42 years of living this way- and it works for him in his mind. He reacts to things in ways I find impossible to comprehend, and to be honest I don't want to understand.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I accept that addiction is a disease. With this in mind I find it easier to accept that until he gets professional help, nothing is going to change. Just like I can't cure cancer, I can't cure addiction. Even if he's clean, all I'm left with is a clean addict.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have tried to change my ex into the man I thought he would/should/ could be. I became sad and felt rejected when he wouldn't accept my help, he became resentful and over time violent. Not directly due to my actions of course, but thinking I could change him meant it was ok to stay.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I am awful at asking for what I want or need. I never asked him to what I wanted or needed, he was emotionally absent and hateful. In future it may be better to be direct. If you're living in fear of asking your partner for affection, you're in the wrong relationship.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Sad. I felt sad and disappointed and rejected. I felt shame because I couldn't live up to other peoples comments about how I'd changed his life. I became inwardly resentful that he wouldn't change his lifestyle for me and our child. I never expressed this to him or even allowed myself to think about it, but I knew it was there.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I could focus on myself and my life. I could let go of the feelings of failure and disappointment when others fail to live up to their promises.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I use the serenity prayer a lot. I remind myself I am powerless. Other people have to learn from their mistakes as and when they are ready.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
I was once, I've been in FA for coming up to 5 months and accept there is no quick fix.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
When they behave badly in public. When they insult or verbally or physically attack another person. When they relapse.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
In most situations with my ex I felt great shame and embarrassment. I felt others were judging me by his awful behaviour and life choices. Sometimes they were.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I came to families anonymous just before Christmas when my ex stole all my money, all my valuables and disappeared. I hoped for someone to give me a magic spell to make things ok again. I had left physically but emotionally I was still very much in a relationship with him. Now I accept that it may be a long road. Progress not perfection
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
Social services told me to leave with our child if he relapsed. Noone else really commented. Nowadays my FA friends and DV support worker express concern for me and my safety, I take heed and always follow their advice to protect myself from his insanity.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I don't eat, don't speak, have trouble sleeping and concentrating. I sometimes suffer recurring nightmares and anxiety attacks.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
In lots of ways I sought approval from his family and my own family by staying. I was surrounded by weak women who believed in keeping the family together at any cost. I also desperately wanted approval from my ex but never found it.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Yes. My life sometimes gets kind of unmanageable when I agree to things I am unhappy with.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I don't know. I hate crises and don't enjoy being in panic mode, it's bad for my health. I love just being calm and happy but it feels like long long ago!
How well do I take care of myself?
I don't.
How do I feel when I am alone?
Lonely usually. It's rare I am alone as I have a 2 year old, but I don't enjoy my own company.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity makes you feel superior. Pity is feeling you are above another person. Pity is wanting to fix someone. Love is equal, sympathetic and understanding. Love is allowing someone the dignity to navigate their own life.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I don't know, maybe? I didn't know he was an addict, there were many red flags early on for his abusive tendencies though so maybe that was what pulled me in.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
No and no. I have to write things down to make sure I don't minimise or forget about them. I can't separate one feeling from another. An FA friend sometimes says 'how did you feel when he did XYZ?' and I sit in silence because I genuinely don't know.
Questions from Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997
Feel free to start your own thread to discuss your experience with the concepts etc in Step 1.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes. I tried and I tried. Nothing ever changed, things just became worse.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
He is not me. He is a whole other person with 42 years of living this way- and it works for him in his mind. He reacts to things in ways I find impossible to comprehend, and to be honest I don't want to understand.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I accept that addiction is a disease. With this in mind I find it easier to accept that until he gets professional help, nothing is going to change. Just like I can't cure cancer, I can't cure addiction. Even if he's clean, all I'm left with is a clean addict.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have tried to change my ex into the man I thought he would/should/ could be. I became sad and felt rejected when he wouldn't accept my help, he became resentful and over time violent. Not directly due to my actions of course, but thinking I could change him meant it was ok to stay.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I am awful at asking for what I want or need. I never asked him to what I wanted or needed, he was emotionally absent and hateful. In future it may be better to be direct. If you're living in fear of asking your partner for affection, you're in the wrong relationship.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Sad. I felt sad and disappointed and rejected. I felt shame because I couldn't live up to other peoples comments about how I'd changed his life. I became inwardly resentful that he wouldn't change his lifestyle for me and our child. I never expressed this to him or even allowed myself to think about it, but I knew it was there.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I could focus on myself and my life. I could let go of the feelings of failure and disappointment when others fail to live up to their promises.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I use the serenity prayer a lot. I remind myself I am powerless. Other people have to learn from their mistakes as and when they are ready.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
I was once, I've been in FA for coming up to 5 months and accept there is no quick fix.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
When they behave badly in public. When they insult or verbally or physically attack another person. When they relapse.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
In most situations with my ex I felt great shame and embarrassment. I felt others were judging me by his awful behaviour and life choices. Sometimes they were.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I came to families anonymous just before Christmas when my ex stole all my money, all my valuables and disappeared. I hoped for someone to give me a magic spell to make things ok again. I had left physically but emotionally I was still very much in a relationship with him. Now I accept that it may be a long road. Progress not perfection
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
Social services told me to leave with our child if he relapsed. Noone else really commented. Nowadays my FA friends and DV support worker express concern for me and my safety, I take heed and always follow their advice to protect myself from his insanity.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I don't eat, don't speak, have trouble sleeping and concentrating. I sometimes suffer recurring nightmares and anxiety attacks.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
In lots of ways I sought approval from his family and my own family by staying. I was surrounded by weak women who believed in keeping the family together at any cost. I also desperately wanted approval from my ex but never found it.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Yes. My life sometimes gets kind of unmanageable when I agree to things I am unhappy with.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I don't know. I hate crises and don't enjoy being in panic mode, it's bad for my health. I love just being calm and happy but it feels like long long ago!
How well do I take care of myself?
I don't.
How do I feel when I am alone?
Lonely usually. It's rare I am alone as I have a 2 year old, but I don't enjoy my own company.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity makes you feel superior. Pity is feeling you are above another person. Pity is wanting to fix someone. Love is equal, sympathetic and understanding. Love is allowing someone the dignity to navigate their own life.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I don't know, maybe? I didn't know he was an addict, there were many red flags early on for his abusive tendencies though so maybe that was what pulled me in.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
No and no. I have to write things down to make sure I don't minimise or forget about them. I can't separate one feeling from another. An FA friend sometimes says 'how did you feel when he did XYZ?' and I sit in silence because I genuinely don't know.
Questions from Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997
Feel free to start your own thread to discuss your experience with the concepts etc in Step 1.
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