dbh

Good Morning Everyone:

My daughter will soon be graduating from 6th grade. As part of the ceremony they're putting together a slide show with pictures of all the students in her class. They asked for a picture of them when they were a baby, 5 years-old, and a recent photo. I spent the morning looking through pictures for my daughter to choose from.

My children are 9 & 12 and I can honestly say that being their mom has been one of the most gratifying and enjoyable parts of my life. I have so many fun memories with them. I just spent about an hour at the computer smiling and getting tears in my eyes. I am so grateful that I have them in my life! I am also grateful that my husband and I have been able to create a loving family environment for them to grow up in. This is a remarkable feat considering my husband and I are both ACA's.

Anyway, as I was looking through the pictures I thought about how much my parents have missed out on. My father because he was in a drunken haze for most of his life. My mother because she never truly recovered from her own abusive childhood and her life with my father.

I do have a few happy memories from childhood. Our life definitely improved when my mother and father divorced. What I found interesting is that when my father developed dementia he kept reliving the time before their divorce thirty years ago. He remembered the handful of beach trips we took, going for ice cream, and taking us to parks. Spent zero time reminiscing about the decades he spent in bars!

His alcoholism took away 30 more years of memories that he could have made with his children.

I once read in a book about abusive parents that sometimes all our parents can teach us is how NOT to live your life. Dysfunctional parents show us firsthand what can happen to your life if you don't get help and don't conquer your addictions.

I truly hope that I can continue on the road to recovery so that I don't miss out on anything else in life due to my family of origins dysfunction.

Not sure if anyone else can relate. But, thank you for letting me share.

db

ACOAHappyNow

This is so true. I don't have one good memory of being with my father as a child, not one. Even the times when he managed to control his temper long enough not to be abusive, I was holding my breath and walking on eggshells waiting for him to explode. It's just sad all around. So senseless. Sometimes I think diseases like this, alcoholism, are a facet of pure evil because they take so much from those who suffer from them and also from those who are around the people with the disease.

kudzujean

You and me both. My father died from alcoholism when I was still a little kid. I don't remember him as anything but an unpredictable, abusive alcoholic. I don't have any good memories of him.

frances2011

What a lovely testimony to the power of Recovery and what's possible for the children when we break the cycle of alcoholism and drug abuse.

Thank you for sharing!

DesertEyes

I definetly relate. My parents missed out on my daughter, watching her grow up, become a responsible adult, build a family of her own. Nothing in life is better than that.

I worried constantly about being a good parent. Read tons of books, went to meetings, talked to other folks raising their own kids. On and on. My biggest fear is that addiction would reach into her life, somehow, along with the misery and horrors it produces.

One day our daughter calls me up, tells me that _her_ daughter is pregnant. Said I should be proud as I am now going to be a great-grand-pa. And by the way, my daughter said, the man who's the father of the baby? He hit her.

You can imagine the emotions that exploded in me.

But not to worry, said my daughter, "he's already in jail. You don't have to tell me about al-anon"

I guess I did alright as a father. My kids can take care of themselves just fine.

Mike

ODAT63

Yes indeed, there is a lot of sadness involve with alcoholism.
I was thinking about my children, they are adults now but they lost their biologycal father 8 years ago (he was 47), I was already remarried with an alcoholic who raised my boys, we got divorced 18 months ago however he missed:
Both our sons HS graduations
My oldest got married and has a beautiful daughter, he (AXH) saw her once last year, has not contacted any of our sons since.
My oldest son graduated from college last week (his SF doesn't know bc he has gone NC).
MY Oldest is having a second child (AXH doesn't know bc of NC).
School plays, holidays, games at the park etc. etc. I will say alcoholism is a "lonely" disease.

Kialua

Every step of my child's life, each milestone in her life, I am reminded of how much my parents chose to miss. And they didn't want to participate with my daughter either which was my preference as well, as they weren't to be trusted. I am in awe of just how much they missed living in the squalor of the bottle. I raised my kid in all the school groups, the choir, sunday school, sleep overs, everything I missed. Just another facet of growing up with drunks.

womaninprogress

I will be the first to admit I am FAR from the perfect parent. But most lessons on parenthood I learned were what NOT to do. When I hear my daughter tell any and everyone that she had an awesome childhood I practically cry everytime. I did some things right.

It was so hard honestly watching her grow up. It made me so sad for the little girl I was. When my daughter was so innocent and spoiled at six I thought of the times at six when I would get calls to come get my passed out mother out of the bar. Or my Dads alcohol breath in my face, touching me, nobody caring where I was or if I had dinner or did my homework. I guess when I lived it, it was normal, didn't seem so bad. But when I compared my daughters life to my own....WOW.

dbh

Dear WomanInProgress:

I can so relate to your post. Sometimes I look at my children and think, "I wish I could have your childhood!".

When they complain about not wanting to go to dance or practicing their musical instrument I try to tell them how lucky they are to even have these opportunities. I was told that I couldn't play and instrument because we didn't have any money (my father drank and gambled it all away). I didn't really participate in any activities because my mother was too busy trying to hold the rest of our lives together. Not easy with an alcoholic husband.

Reading facebook posts from people who grew up in my town also makes me sad at times. Some have such wonderful memories of town parades and other events that I didn't even know occurred.

Well, unfortunately that was the childhood card that I was dealt. I'm working hard to accept it because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. It can still make me sad though.

I am so, so grateful that I can experience a happy childhood through my own children. A couple weeks ago we took them to an indoor waterpark and my inner child was happy to go down the slides with them

Hugs to you.

db

reverse

I definitely can relate to your story. Thanks so much for sharing. I, too am proud of the family I have created thus far. I'm sooo happy that I have been able to be there for nearly every single moment of my children's lives. Certainly, there is a lot more I wish I could do for them, but for now I am doing the best I can with what I have while I'm going to school full time to be a nurse. But, like you, when I look back at all of the photos of my daughters, I get to thinking about how much time my parents have missed out on my life (and their lives too). It truly leaves a very sick feeling in my stomach when those thoughts come to mind (which is why I don't think about it as much as I once used to--it gets easier with time). Even with me being super mom--being busy with school, working part-time, my husband working full and sometimes over time, I STILL believe that I have been there for my kids more than my parents ever were. I will continue to be there for them, relish every single hug, kiss, tear, temper tantrum, annoying protest, every joy, and heartache that they will experience in this lifetime. I am so thankful that I have learned not to take my children for granted and not to see them as a burden. I'm thankful that I have learned various ways to deal with the stresses and upsets of life in healthy ways so as not to potentially harm my family. I feel that I am so blessed in so many ways and wouldn't trade what I have for anything in the world. My children have blessed my life so much---even during the sometimes chaotic and frustrating moments. We all have our bad days, right? Even little kids do--but I'm so glad I can be there for them when they too have a bad day. It truly is sad, indeed to think of all the blessings in life people miss out on because they're stuck in an addiction and continue staying there--despite people reaching out to them to help. It truly grieves me to think about it...which is why I have moved on to better and brighter things---the legacy I am creating for my own children and how exciting it will be to be a fun grandma to their children someday ...to grow old with my husband and tease him about things that happened 30 years prior--as if they happened yesterday. These are the wonderful blessings I look forward to in the years to come. I can't spend my life looking back anymore....I wasted too much precious time grieving over something that never was meant to be and trying to fix something that was never meant to be fixed by me. Again, thnx for sharing.

Mo S

Congats on being a great Mom. I totally agree; my parents are people I never really respected because of the choices they made EVEN WHEN OFFERED THE GIFT OF RECOVERY. My brother and i vowed never to be like them. We are both in recovery and successsful in our own right. Our detestful feelings about our parents and the choices they made worked to our advantage. My mother is still with my abusive father today. She is the perfect role model of what NOT to accept in a relationship.
Thus i grew up and refused to enter an abusive relationship thanks to Mom and Dad- so they did teach me something besides tying my shoes along the way

49er_fan

I became a parent six weeks ago. My whole life I've tried to contain my life into a world without disruption, and without chaos (read controlling). I've tried to manage it to where my world wasn't rocked. I suppose that is what my father did at my age as well. However, when I came along it threw him into a tailspin. He couldn't handle a child. He spent every age of my life trying to get me to act like an adult so that his world wouldn't be thrown into chaos and disruption. He couldn't accept that I was a child and acted like a child.

That's what I'm taking most from my childhood into parenthood, is that I have to have 100% acceptance that I have a newborn, 100% acceptance that I have a 2 year old, etc. I have to treat this child exactly who she is and not who I want her to be.

Willybluedog

I have to ask all of you, does how you were raised ever affect your parenting?

I was beaten, kicked, hit, belittled and screamed at on a regular basis as a kid.

All the bottled up rage I developed as a kid I carried into adulthood, I have struggled with depression, and my temper is a constant issue for me.

I suffer from chronic pain and it makes me crabby, I try not to gripe at my family, but I don't always do a good job, I don't ever hit my kids! I can be short and snappy with them when they decide to not do the things they are supposed to do.

I see a therapist to work through all these issues but I know I should do better.

I feel like the only one that is doing this!

reverse

Well, first of all, it's great that you are seeing a therapist...and also that baby steps are important. It's great that you are working on ur temper and can recognize that it is hurtful at times to the people around you. At the same time, it is only human sometimes to be a crabby patty. Let's face it....everyone gets crabby from time to time. Compound that with the exhaustion of chronic pain...and it can be really difficult not to be crabby and short-tempered a lot b/c you don't feel good...then u get frustrated b/c u want to do more than what you can, but are unable to....so that adds to it as well. For me personally, when I have my crabby patty days/moments/ and sometimes every day and I get short w/ my kids....I try to tell them that I am sorry (I tell the husband too--and vice versa), it was wrong for me to say that or do that, and/or I'm just having a really bad day and don't feel well today. Children are more forgiving and understanding than we realize. The most important part is that we acknowledge our faults, apologize and try to do better. We are only human tho and sometimes our best is all we can do. If it's an issue that is really severe to the point where one needs medication b/c they are getting so depressed...that's when a doctor/therapist comes handy--which u are already doing! Life isn't always easy, we have our bad days....but its how we deal with it....face it...try to do better and just say u know what....this day really sucks for me and I feel like crap! I wish I could do so much more, but this is all i've got today. AND tomorrow is always a new and brighter day--one step at a time. Sometimes people just need to whine and talk about it too---they need to vent their frustrations and get it out....b/c penting it up isn't healthy either...makes things worse. With my husband...I usually say, "Ok, I need to talk about this...get it off my chest....go on and on about how crappy I feel today ...and then say...ok...i'm done w/ my b*tch session now. I really needed to do that. Thanks for listening." Surely there's nothing I can do about the situation but sometimes it at least helps to get it off my chest and then move on.

Kialua

What she said^. I have constant pain too, mostly legs and feet some hands and elbow. It didn't help being beat daily as a kid so I understand that. It has never really interferred with my mood though. I only got stressed at nite when I couldn't get to sleep. I guess I'm so used to my pain. That I. Live through it. My little one said the other day," I'm so sorry you hurt. Why did God do that to you?" I just had to laugh but told him it wasn't God's fault. I'm so sorry you hurt too.

frances2011

Sending gentle hugs and gratitude to all.

I wish for all living with pain to find relief and peace.

dbh

You're definitely not alone. Actually, observing how I was acting/reacting around my children and seeing that I was mimicking some of my mother's behavior was what actually lead me to ACA meetings and back to therapy.

For some reason it's getting harder for me as they get older. When they were young, they needed me so much and obviously loved me unconditionally. Now that they're almost teenagers, I feel like I'm getting triggered more by their behavior. I have so little tolerance to rolling eyes, disrespect, and moodiness. I find it hard not to take everything personally.

Just the other morning, my twelve-year-old and I had an argument right before school. She was "tired" & moody and I found it so difficult to be around her. I sort of sat with my feelings for awhile and decided that, just like my mother, I don't like to be around people who are in bad moods. I think I tend to be control by other people's emotions and I absorb their negative feelings. Just like when I was a kid!

I apologized to my daughter when she got home from school.

I'm still a work in progress and unfortunately I think I'll have to be aware of my ACA tendencies for the rest of my life. I'm finding that parenting can bring out the best and the worse in me. My children know I'm not perfect and that I make mistakes (sometimes BIG mistakes). However, I hope that they realize that I'm trying my best.

Thank you for letting me share.

Hugs to you,

db

Kialua

Teenagers will rock your world that's for sure. It brought up all the same tendencies in me too, how dare she do this? how dare she say that? I knew I was parroting my Dad and I had to really shake it, but it was darn hard and won several times. She still brings it out in me, when she calls and won't answer simple questions. It's endless. But knowing that it's a problem for me helps a lot.