Confused I need alittle help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
Confused I need alittle help
Well lets just say that my wife of 12+ years is finally getting help. I kicked her out of our house after finding her a living zombie (drunk) in our house on my birthday while my daughter sat on the couch telling her that she was burning dinner. This has been going on for years and I finally had enough. My daughter is now doing better in school, has friends and is for the first time being a 11 year old kid.
I'm a different story.
I am destroyed inside, I am lonely,....I love her.
I have a lawyer waiting to serve her and get the divorce going but I keep holding back because I don't know what to do . She is emailing me, texting me calling me to say how much she has accomplished and learned over the past 30+days. She wants me to meet her for dinner so we can talk. I have stopped replying to her altogether. I know that this is not enough time for her to recover and I can't deal with the imminent relapse. I have to suffer even more for a disease that I didn't cause. I have to suffer without her. My daughter has to suffer without her mother. I want to take her back and I did for 1 week just to kick her out again because my daughter wasn't ready to have her back yet.
My family wants me to run and find somebody that is more worthy of me and my daughter. I keep thinking that she is worthy and I can wait for her to be in a better place maybe we can be a family and I can have my wife back. I am talking to a counselor but honestly I need to know if there is any hope and what I should be doing.
I'm a different story.
I am destroyed inside, I am lonely,....I love her.
I have a lawyer waiting to serve her and get the divorce going but I keep holding back because I don't know what to do . She is emailing me, texting me calling me to say how much she has accomplished and learned over the past 30+days. She wants me to meet her for dinner so we can talk. I have stopped replying to her altogether. I know that this is not enough time for her to recover and I can't deal with the imminent relapse. I have to suffer even more for a disease that I didn't cause. I have to suffer without her. My daughter has to suffer without her mother. I want to take her back and I did for 1 week just to kick her out again because my daughter wasn't ready to have her back yet.
My family wants me to run and find somebody that is more worthy of me and my daughter. I keep thinking that she is worthy and I can wait for her to be in a better place maybe we can be a family and I can have my wife back. I am talking to a counselor but honestly I need to know if there is any hope and what I should be doing.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you are here, but sorry about what brings you here.
I think you are a good Dad! You have removed your daughter from an unhealthy environment and given her a chance at being a youth - as opposed to caretaking an adult.
Is there a reason you feel obligated to meet with your AW (alcoholic wife) right away? If you are feeling pressured, then say NO. No is a complete sentence (you are not obligated to explain your answer).
My advice is to give yourself time. As much time as needed. You did not arrive in this situation overnight, and it will take longer than 30 days to find lasting solutions. A fellow Al-anon member asked me this question when I was overwhelmed with major decisions to make: "You don't have to solve everything by 3 p.m. today, do you?" No, I did not. I just needed to do the next right thing for me (and my children) for that day - one day at a time.
I am glad you have a counselor to share your feelings with. That is a healthy step in taking care of yourself. Have you considered attending Alanon meetings for face-to-face support during the week?
Is there hope? Yes, sometimes. It is normally advised to give the alcoholic a year of recovery to focus on learning how to deal with life on life's terms without picking up again. I agree with that after trying to re-unite with my alcoholic. I believed he was still sober and working his recovery and we attempted a long distance relationship. My A went back to drinking and tried hiding his drinking *to protect me from his relapse*.
During that time I continued to work on my own recovery from living with alcoholism. I used Alanon meetings for support, read/posted here at SR, and read self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" and learned more about alcoholism by reading books like "Under the Influence".
I was doing something else that is recommended: "work the kind of recovery program you expect them to be working".
When it finally ended, I was in a better place. I am a better me as I continue to take care of myself.
I'm glad you are here, but sorry about what brings you here.
I think you are a good Dad! You have removed your daughter from an unhealthy environment and given her a chance at being a youth - as opposed to caretaking an adult.
Is there a reason you feel obligated to meet with your AW (alcoholic wife) right away? If you are feeling pressured, then say NO. No is a complete sentence (you are not obligated to explain your answer).
My advice is to give yourself time. As much time as needed. You did not arrive in this situation overnight, and it will take longer than 30 days to find lasting solutions. A fellow Al-anon member asked me this question when I was overwhelmed with major decisions to make: "You don't have to solve everything by 3 p.m. today, do you?" No, I did not. I just needed to do the next right thing for me (and my children) for that day - one day at a time.
I am glad you have a counselor to share your feelings with. That is a healthy step in taking care of yourself. Have you considered attending Alanon meetings for face-to-face support during the week?
Is there hope? Yes, sometimes. It is normally advised to give the alcoholic a year of recovery to focus on learning how to deal with life on life's terms without picking up again. I agree with that after trying to re-unite with my alcoholic. I believed he was still sober and working his recovery and we attempted a long distance relationship. My A went back to drinking and tried hiding his drinking *to protect me from his relapse*.
During that time I continued to work on my own recovery from living with alcoholism. I used Alanon meetings for support, read/posted here at SR, and read self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" and learned more about alcoholism by reading books like "Under the Influence".
I was doing something else that is recommended: "work the kind of recovery program you expect them to be working".
When it finally ended, I was in a better place. I am a better me as I continue to take care of myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
You are such a good dad.
I gave my alcoholic husband the boot a year ago. We have been together 20 years, married 16 of them, and have four kids. My husband began drinking alcoholically 8 years ago. I love him, he is a good guy, we've had a pretty happy life together, all in all. I told him at that time that I would give him a year to pursue active recovery and sobriety, then we'd reassess at the one-year mark. That was my "line in the sand."
So, a year into it, nothing has changed, my AH says he has "cut back, says he is "now a normal social drinker," says, says, says. He has attended a whopping 2 AA meetings, which he pronounced "full of losers." They say you are supposed to judge by their actions, and in his case, no action. So, after a year of informal separation, I am moving ahead with legal separation.
You can give it time, but go by her actions. You can always get back together, even after a divorce. The damage being done to your daughter is tremendous when living with an active alcoholic. You are a smart man to halt that. Your daughter being happier without mom is a huge sign --- listen to it!
Can you get yourself in Al Anon? Attend some counseling sessions with a therapist who knows about addiction and codependency? Read everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism. My personal favorite books are "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" by Beattie. Both books changed my life and gave me the tools to make better choices for my family and also tools for life in general. I miss my "old" husband so much and still love him, this is all very painful, but enough is enough!
Welcome to SR. This forum is a good place for support and feedback!
I gave my alcoholic husband the boot a year ago. We have been together 20 years, married 16 of them, and have four kids. My husband began drinking alcoholically 8 years ago. I love him, he is a good guy, we've had a pretty happy life together, all in all. I told him at that time that I would give him a year to pursue active recovery and sobriety, then we'd reassess at the one-year mark. That was my "line in the sand."
So, a year into it, nothing has changed, my AH says he has "cut back, says he is "now a normal social drinker," says, says, says. He has attended a whopping 2 AA meetings, which he pronounced "full of losers." They say you are supposed to judge by their actions, and in his case, no action. So, after a year of informal separation, I am moving ahead with legal separation.
You can give it time, but go by her actions. You can always get back together, even after a divorce. The damage being done to your daughter is tremendous when living with an active alcoholic. You are a smart man to halt that. Your daughter being happier without mom is a huge sign --- listen to it!
Can you get yourself in Al Anon? Attend some counseling sessions with a therapist who knows about addiction and codependency? Read everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism. My personal favorite books are "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" by Beattie. Both books changed my life and gave me the tools to make better choices for my family and also tools for life in general. I miss my "old" husband so much and still love him, this is all very painful, but enough is enough!
Welcome to SR. This forum is a good place for support and feedback!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to our SR family
I hate so much that your family has been devasted by this disease ~ it truly breaks hearts but it does appear that you are making healthy decisions on what is best for you and your daughter - even tho it is painful.
I have found for me thru Al-Anon, SR, meetings, reading recovery literature, connecting with my Higher Power, and working with a sponsor ~ I am recovery from the affects of this disease and making a wonderful happy life for me ~ regardless of the actions of my loved ones that suffer from this disease ~
I hope that you can do the same!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I hate so much that your family has been devasted by this disease ~ it truly breaks hearts but it does appear that you are making healthy decisions on what is best for you and your daughter - even tho it is painful.
I have found for me thru Al-Anon, SR, meetings, reading recovery literature, connecting with my Higher Power, and working with a sponsor ~ I am recovery from the affects of this disease and making a wonderful happy life for me ~ regardless of the actions of my loved ones that suffer from this disease ~
I hope that you can do the same!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.
Some one wrote here that alcoholics/addicts don't build families they destroy them...I trully believe that.
Sorry about your pain, keep busy and do fun things with your dd.
Some one wrote here that alcoholics/addicts don't build families they destroy them...I trully believe that.
Sorry about your pain, keep busy and do fun things with your dd.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your help in this. All I want to do is call her and let her come home but I know that I am more in love with being in a relationship than I would be with the person. I may go to some meetings I'm kind of on the fence. My biggest worry is that I will be turning my back on her when she could actually be "cured" ( I know that it is a life long disease)for a lack of a better word. She is going to meetings every nite somtimes twice. She has a therapist that she is going to regularly. What are the odds that she could actually pull through this and we could have a normal relationship? It is hard because i know what I am doing is the right thing and most of the time I can be strong. It is harder when she wants me to talk or see her cause I feel like I will cave in, but then when I see her I just want to scream at her and I just want her to leave again. I miss her when she's gone and hate her when she's here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I miss her when she's gone and hate her when she's here. That sentence hits home - I understand how you feel completely. I miss Ah so badly I am distraught but know if he was here and not sober - it would be the same. It sucks and I am sorry for you to be struggling as well- stay strong for your daughter - I am trying to do the same for my sons!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by alittlehelp 
My biggest worry is that I will be turning my back on her when she could actually be "cured" ( I know that it is a life long disease)for a lack of a better word.
I'm not qualified to address your worry but I will say that whatever you decide to do....do what is best for your daughter, both today and for her future.
I truly wish you well.
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