lydiebreeze

Hi all,
I'm new here - but not new to the journey to sobriety.
My ex-BF told me I have a very short memory and it's true. I get 3 or 4 days under my belt and BAM - I completely forget that I have a problem.
I'm on day 3 again and I'm not contemplating actually drinking but I've pushed out of my mind that just last week at this time I was drinking for the hangover, had called in to my job and missed a very important appointment.
I wish I had a videotape of myself in that condition!
Anyone else go through this?

WhySoSerious

yup that's the scariest part for me

desertsong

I think a lot of us have short memories when it comes to the consequences of our drinking. That's probably why so many of us have relapsed over and over again. I did the same thing but now I keep a journal. I've written down every rotten, horrible thing I've done/said in that journal so that I could remember what I used to be like. The memory fades, but those words on the paper are there forever and they are very sobering (pun intended). I've not had a desire to drink in some time now, but when I first got sober and would have an inkling that I might like a drink, I just picked up that journal and started reading. It makes me shudder. Maybe that's something you could try?

Veritas1

Hello and yes I have gone through this.

The AA program is helping me.

When I think about my drinking, it makes no sense whatsoever.

Who drinks when they have experience with so many troubles with it?

We do. Over and over again.

Some ideas I just had stem from the "Big Book" of AA called Alcoholics Anonymous. Have you seen this book? It might be a good idea to read it. You can also call up the AA hotline and ask for a member to call and talk with you. You can also look up your local area AA group info, find a meeting, and go and listen for the solution.

If you need help let me know. (pm)

We don't see the truth, or we if see it...if I saw it, it was very easily pushed aside for that drink.

I wanted to change the way I felt.

Alcohol did that for me.

Alcohol was my solution.

Of course I would drink. It's the only life I knew.

But if you start to build a sober life. This will become and replace the drunken life.

What's your plan?

Sapling

They talk about this in the Big Book of AA...I guess it's a problem that's been around a long time.

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.

The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casual way, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!" Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. How often have some of us begun to drink in this nonchalant way, and after the third or fourth, pounded on the bar and said to ourselves, "For God's sake, how did I ever get started again?" Only to have that thought supplanted by "Well, I'll stop with the sixth drink." Or "What's the use anyhow?"

BB first edition pg 24

doggonecarl

I don't think we forget. I think we want the drink more than we care what it did to us.

nonblondechef

Unintentionally, I have forgotten my mother's maiden name, where I parked my car, how old my kids are. I have forgotten to buy that ONE thing I went to the store for. Try as I might, I have not forgotten and can not forget all the horrid memories of being under the influence of alcohol. As Desert Song wrote, it is very sobering. Great job, Lydiebreeze, keep up the great work!

Zencat

When I want to drink, my memory becomes very spotty. I could have crawled out of intensive care from alcohol poisoning a week before and if my intention is to drink, its on! I have consequences of alcoholism blackouts.

Rather that relying on what already happened to make positive change, rely on what change are you willing to make in order to get alcohol free.

A stroll through memory lane is not much of an addiction treatment plan!

Knowing that you have the ability to take control of the direction you need to go in, put together a plan of action, follow through and you will become a person you like. You can do it because you are worth so much more than what alcohol is doing to you.

lydiebreeze

Thanks everyone for your replies.
A journal is a good idea.
I AM going to AA
In the past I went in spots - and those spots were always sober ones.
Then my schedule would change and I'd say "Oh well, there goes that - can't make the meeting today - park closed"
Helllloooo?????
I live in a HUGE city - there is a meeting at almost any time of the day - any time of the week!!!!
So - my plan is this.
Make a meeting every day.
Go to the store and get quick and easy food to eat whenever I feel the urge - which will be good because I don't eat when I drink.
I also gave my notice at the restaurant because I can't serve alcohol - I'll buy it after my shift.
And I for sure can't MAKE drinks (we sometimes have to be our own bartender) because I would make myself one too.
So that's the plan so far - and I've stuck with it for the last 3 days.
Phew.

artsoul

Sounds like you're motivated and ready to make some changes, which is fantastic! Whatever you can do to make it easier on yourself to stay sober...... I had to slow things down for a while because I was always stressing myself out.

This forum helped me so much, too. The mental obsession doesn't immediately go away when we stop drinking and coming here gave me a dose of reality and inspired me to make it through one more day without drinking.

Glad you've decided to join us - congrats on your 3 days!!

Dee74

welcome

I think it's very common lydiebreeze. Joining SR and reading/[posting here daily really helped me remember just what was at stake - I hope it will help you too

D

Zebra1275

I need a longer memory

That's why I go to a few AA meetings per week and log onto SR most everyday.

kittycat3

Hi lydie!
My ex did videorecord me in an awful state and showed it to me afterwards. It was one of the worst things I'd ever seen. I could not stand to have actual evidence of that behavior exist and I immediately deleted it. (I still drank after that).
I added a blog post here and listed all of the regrettable things I've done while drinking in my latest relapse. It was extremely humbling, yet somehow it was less horrifying than the video and more importantly, the message was clear as a bell - I need to stop drinking. Anytime I feel weak I revisit it and my resolve is improved. I just don't want to sign up for the reckless behavior that is guaranteed if I drink.
I encourage you to do the blog posting thing - or even post it on the boards if you want - it was cathartic and felt good to get it all out there, like confession

Wayne444

Hi Lydie, and welcome to SR.

Probably the most helpful part of this community for me since joining recently, has been reading posts here each night which remind me of the hell drinking and then acting crazy was putting me through. Adding a little encouragement has been good too.

Best to you.